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this is horrible(20 Posts)
i sort of know what i need to do but i need to vent.
Dcousin has been one of my best friends for the last 6/7 years. i've always tolerated her 'princess' attitude and being the older of the two of us, it's always been me helping her out with things (money, relationship problems, issues with her family) as opposed to her being my support. this was fine. she worked and repaid me any money i lent her and would help me out with babysitting as a way of thanking me for having her at my house so much.
recently things have changed. between july and oct she borrowed £185 from me in 3 different amounts. at the time i had no doubts that she actually needed the money otherwise i wouldn't have lent it. however i've had none of it back and tbh she doesn't get in touch anymore unless it was either to borrow money or if she had no other company. before i would have gotten in touch with her and kept the contact going but i've started to feel as if i'm being used and decided that i was no longer going to chase the contact, that if i was important to her as a friend she would be in touch. she didn't get in touch for about a month (a long time for us) and when she did it was because she had split up with her Boyfriend, i comforted her was there for her and she told me she would be coming home for a weekend visit because of it. another of my friends offered to babysit for me so that i could go out with Dcousin while she was home so i texted cousin saying this. dcousin didn't reply. then another friend (who doesn't know either of teh other two, so complete coincidence) texted saying her and her DH were going out on sat and did i want to come so i texted Dcousin again the day before the potential offer to babysit would happen asking if she wanted to go out and still got no reply. i waited til 10.30pm before texting friend 3 and saying that yes i would go out with her and her DH (friend 2 was still happy to babysit even though i was going out with a different person) so lunchtime the next day Dcousin texted asking if we were going out that night. i replied that i had made plans to go out with friend 3. she just replied "have fun" which if you knew her you would know is not what she was thinking. she hasn't been in touch. i think she's probably huffing. i'm not interested in chasing her. i'm done with being available for her all the time but not having the same back and being huffed with when i make other plans after her leaving me hanging for a response. in the back of my mind i think she might have been waiting to see which of her other friends were available for going out before committing to me. i feel like the friendship is probably ending, if it isn't already over.
the problem is do i ask her for the money back? i feel she will blow up and that will definitely be friendship gone for good with no chance of reconciling but i'm wondering if it's that much of a loss? also, i think in her head she doesn't think she has the money but she is out drinking, and i mean heavily drinking at least 3 times a week and is always posting pictures of it on Fb along with comments about her latest purchases that she is so happy with, each time i see it i think "why the hell haven't you given me back any of my money if you can afford all this?". i dont want her to be skint but even if she dropped one of those nights out a week for a couple of months she could have paid me back already. i know it's not up to me to say how she should live but it gets to me everytime i see that she is spending more money when she knows she owes me. she even bought flights for her other friend to come and visit her for her birthday.
so do i ask for it back? if so do i ask now, 2 weeks before xmas or do i wait til after january, i know it's always a tough month and i dont want her to be skint, but at the same time my account is sitting in overdraft.
i was also going to ask if you think i should get her a xmas present as normal but after posting all this out i dont think i should.
sorry for the length of this. i'm really just getting it all down on paper so to speak but any advcie would be appreciated.
and no i will never be lending money to anyone again. i am also going to have MUG tattooed on my head. i really trusted her to pay it back as soon as she could.
This is all a bit shit for you, but I guess you've learned a lesson about lending more than you can afford to lose. I think it would be off to ask her for the money back so close to Christmas (but not as off as not offering to pay you back!). I feel that you have to be the better person, and let her know that you need the money back by, say, 20th Jan to "pay your credit card off".
Sadly, you'll probably have to decide if you're willing to write off the relationship for the sake of getting your money back. Ano, no - no christmas present.
yes absoloutely learned a lesson. as i said, i never would have done it except it was her and she said she really needed it. i have only ever lent to her as i do honestly belive in that old saying my dad drummed into me. we go back so far and i never thought for a second i wouldn't get it back at least a bit at a time within a few weeks as always happened in the past.
i think i will wait till after xmas as you say and ask if she could pay me a regulary amount so she isn't down a massive amount in one go.
i think the friendship is done. when i look back, it was me carrying it and being available for her, to lend money, do lifts etc. when i have eased back on contacting her, it stops altogether as opposed to her getting in toush asking if tehre was something wrong.]
thank you for getting through all that.
My view is, don't worry too much about her feelings and how skint she might be. If your account is in overdraft YOU are skint, and you ought to have your money back.
So no more concessions for this one. Take a deep breath, pull rank, and calmly ask for your money back. Could you try that?
She might cry or rage or pull some similar act, but if you set the ball rolling now it will get the worst part over with. You might not realistically get your money now, or get all of it, but the process has to start somewhere.
If you are good with assertiveness techniques, try the 'broken record' one ... I can see you're upset, but I want my money back now please. If not, maybe borrow a book from the library and study a few techniques before you start! 'A woman in your own right' is an old classic.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do!
You sound like a nice and kind person, but the old adage is true , never lend more than you can afford to lose. I don't lend on principle that I never borrow.
DH is a sucker for a sob story so have been stung several times. Frankly, several of his mates I would ask outright for money back but DH doesnt like the boat rocked. I don't like DH being taken for a mug.
So what to do? Unless you can deal with confrontation, you are going to have to chalk it up to experience.
i am going to ask for it back, mainly because it's so much and i have really scrimped for xmas and i know she has it. if i thought she would never have it i would write it off as a loss but i can see almost daily how much she is spending going out drinking and shopping.
assertiveness comes and goes with me TBH but i think i can muster some up for this. i saw on fb last night that she's trying to organise a holiday for next summer with her friends and that spurred me on to decide to ask for it.
i think she will either go off on a big temper tantrum or just huff but i do think she will pay it back if i ask. she always made me promise not to tell her family that she borrowed money from me and i still wouldn't but i think she would worry that i might if she didn't pay it back.
i will wait til after xmas though and wont expect it all back at once, just an agreement that she'll give me so much every week/month.
thank you both.
Santa I agree you should ask for the money back, repeatedly (because she might refuse) and risk losing this "friendship". If this were a romantic relationship then I would be asking what are getting out of it? It sounds to me like she faces losing more than you if the friendship breaks down, and is that any more than she deserves?
But yes get that money back. It is the principle as well as the fact you need it.
change of plan. i'm going to ask for it tomorrow as i've just seen on FB she's going to get a sleeve tattoo done in the next couple of weeks and i know they aren't cheap! she clearly has the money she owes me.
How old is she? She sounds very young?
I wouldn't worry about losing this friendship if it were me.
Good for you ask for it back.
Oh and fwiw we were stung to the nice sum of £16.5K from exbil. He totally conned us and others. We had it at the time but exdh is skint now. No sign of any repayment. Exbil used fake documents to show he was going to be paid a large sum. I stopped exdh from giving him any more when I went through one of them and it didn't feel right. Seems he'd changed the date on it and he'd already had that cash. I've also been stung for a few hundred with an ex aquaintance who's dh was 'dying'. That was years ago he's still here.
They'll get there comeuppance one day.
that is a massive amount! and as for lying about someone dying! that's disgusting. so sorry for you. i feel stupid asking for £185 now!
yes she is young. 19 and at UNI. i'm not worried about losing it anymore. i've been thinking more about it today and i really do think she was using me for a long time, i just didn't see it. the clues were there, she used other people in her life but i never thought i was just another mug.
I know it's unbelievable isn't it?
No don't feel stupid it's a lot of cash. Plus she needs teaching a lesson.
There are givers and takers in this world. I'll always be a giver but am not a mug. Plus helps not having it to give
im actually in awe of her confidence
brass neck. how she can post so openly about new purchases and all her nighst out and drinking and holiday and tattoo plans knowing that she owes money to someone who will see her FB updates. if i owed even a fiver to my mum i would be sweating til i had it back in her hand!. i dont know how fraudsters who do big time cons live with it. the nerves would end me.
Certainly ask for it back, but tbh I would be prepared for the fact that She will probably ignore your request, She sounds utterly self absorbed, block her on fb too, her updates will only rile you.
yes i'm starting to think she might ignore it or refuse. she is behaving very arrogantly on FB.
Why not use FB to send her a message saying how happy you are to see she's flush and enjoying herself and is there any chance of her repaying the £185 she's borrowed from you before Christmas as you're skint?
Depending on her response, you can follow up with a further message asking if she'd like a
china mug for Christmas as a reminder of what you mean to her.
i think that would just wind her up TBH and i'd be less likely to get my money back.
I was thinking the same as izzyizin tbh. If you know the friendship's over do that. But only after it's obvious she isn't giving you it back.
The question you've raised in your OP is whether you ask for your money back before or after Christmas. As your cousin is prancing around spending £ like it's going out of fashion and you're overdrawn, it seems expedient to put in your request for repayment sooner rather than later. .
At the every least this will remind her that the money she's had from you was not a gift and, in addition, your poverty will be the perfect excuse if she should subsequently comment on the fact you've failed to give her a Christmas present.
I'm curious to know why you're so in awe of this selfish relative. From the essay you've written on the subject it's obvious she's wound you up by failing to repay the money you've loaned her and, as the wronged party, to my mind your feelings should take precedence over hers.
If you are always passive in your dealings with her, it's no wonder she's taken you for a mug.
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