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Why can't I stop getting upset when seeing XOH

(24 Posts)
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Mon 10-Dec-12 17:33:44

Hello,

All the advice I had from you when deliberating about what to do when I found out about the emotional affairs XOH had been having was great and I'm hoping you'll have some wise words for me now.

I decided to ask X to leave and he has been gone for over a month now. I am sort of okay with the day to day stuff (the run up to christmas is testing though) and keep it together when it's just ds and me. However, when X collects ds and drops him off (3x a week) I just can't stop myself from crying. I still love him and it still hurts so much.

I think the thing that makes it worse is that he seems pretty happy with the situation, I think he wanted out and is relieved to have his old life and freedom back now. We went to get a christmas tree yesterday and I nearly broke down in the shop as it hurt so much knowing that we wouldn't be spending christmas together whilst he was laughing and joking about our shared christmas's together.

He is being quite supportive and financially he is being great (I realise it's early days though so not sure if this will last). I really wish I could stop being so weak, I try to remind myself of what it was like to live with someone I couldn't trust and I do acknowledge the positive changes but I think, deep down, I would have him back in a heartbeat if he asked me.

Please give me a kick up the bum or tell me that I'll get over this and things will get better.

Thank you.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Mon 10-Dec-12 17:34:56

Oh, meant to add that I only have a few minutes before he brings ds back so apologies if I take a while to respond to any replies, got to put ds to bed and do some housework <exciting>

SirSugar Mon 10-Dec-12 17:39:04

Things will improve, you will find yourself again and be glad he's gone. When he sees that you are moving on he will probably come begging, but by then it will be too late

Spero Mon 10-Dec-12 17:42:54

You will get over it but it will take time. You are in shock and grieving. It will be horrible but it will get better and who knows what wonderful things lie ahead for you. Be nice to yourself and moan to who ever will listen.

FBworry Mon 10-Dec-12 17:45:48

(Hugs)

A month is such a little amount of time, and while Christmas is such a special time it also highlights these losses. You are going through an entirely normal grieving process. Do not be too hard on yourself. Your life is changed so much.

Are you finding it harding adapting to being a single parent too?

Try to take it day by day and plan lots of lovely things.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 21:31:31

I understand the grief and the loss. I started the year happily married (so I thought) and am ending it divorced....

I was doing OK, but with Christmas coming up I am struggling too. Im getting good support from RL friends and also people on here.

I find that I am happier when Im busy and that I love spending time with DD.

I keep telling myself that I dont want XH to steal any more of my life and that he doesnt deserve my tears, but its not easy....

One day at a time is all that any of us in this situation can do

2rebecca Mon 10-Dec-12 21:42:08

Why did you go to get a Christmas tree with him? That was bound to end badly as its a couply thing to do. I think you need to stop involving him in stuff like that, him being a bloke and able to carry heavy stuff isn't sufficient reason to keep involving him in this sort of stuff.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 21:44:04

Stop torturing yourself by doing "family" things with him, for a start

Well he's having his cake and eating it isn't he. He gets to do the coupley things with you and then go home to his wife and kid free life and you get all the emotional hurt and pain and the single parent life.

Stop doing stuff with him, keep contact to a minimum if you can, I know it's hard but you will have more respect for yourself in the long run.

These things are never easy especially at Christmas.

dequoisagitil Mon 10-Dec-12 21:55:06

Have to agree that you shouldn't have him involved in getting xmas trees etc,it just blurs the boundaries and makes it harder on you. Try to keep contact to a minimum while you're healing - it doesn't have to be aggressive, just tell him you need space.

You don't need to be 'friends' right now. You can still be civil without spending time together. You can build 'amicable' up after some time has passed and every word of his is no longer a knife to the heart.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 21:59:03

Stop seeing him, except for when he collects your DS, and keep that contact as brief and emotionaless as possible.

Doing other stuff with him is just pointlessly painful for you (and probably great for his ego).

If he was having EAs then he's basically a twunt. And, so ask yourself why you would want to spend time with a twunt?

I don't care how 'great' he's being financially...sharing money is easy, if you have it...but being honourable, acting like a grown-up, showing integrity - now that's how I measure a real man.

Your ex isn't a real man. Not in my book.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 22:01:53

You are letting him have an emotional affair with you love

marriedandwreathedinholly Mon 10-Dec-12 22:10:09

When he was having emotional affairs he was emotionally abusing you. By being nice and kind and making you feel good for a little while at least, he is still emotionally abusing you. I agree you need to keep contact to a minimum and to disengage from him, by doing otherwise you are playing into his manipulative hands and allowing the emotional abuse to continue and allowing it to make you feel vulnerable.

You are grieving but you are doing really well and ultimately you will come out of this so much better off once you make a clear break from him. I know that's hard when you share a child but you must do the sharing on your terms and learn to fly, to soar above him and find happiness without him; it certainly won't come with him.

Good luck OP. Shit time of year to be going through this. xx

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Mon 10-Dec-12 22:17:31

Good point about stopping doing the family things; it was his idea (as I don't drive and he has a car), he says he still wants us to do things together with ds but I find it too hard.

I think I'm adapting to being a single parent okay, I have been trying to stay in the present and not look too far forward. Ds has become a lot more of a mummy's boy which is a bit worrying, I remember the feelings I had towards my father when he left and I don't want ds to go through the same.

Thank you for this, it's opened my eyes to what is happening and, as hard as it wil be, I think I'll have a chat with him on Weds about not doing stuff together anymore. I just thought that ds would suffer if we didn't if that makes sense.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 22:17:55

You are not weak, not at all.

Weak would be ignoring what he did and carrying on with your marriage because you can't cope with being alone. What you have done by asking him to leave proves that you are strong.

The hurt will gradually recede but you need to protect yourself and that means, as the PP said, not doing family things with him. I am sure that you feel that you must do it for the sake of your DS but actually, it will be confusing him as much as it is hurting you.

Daddy has moved out, but then he is still doing nice things with Mummy, but then he is gone again....

For both your sakes, I agree with the others that you need to disengage. Hand over your son at the door, take him back at the door and leave it at that.

I am thinking of you xx

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 22:20:22

x post.

He is clearly manipulating you. He wants all the best bits of being a daddy but with none of the bad bits. This has to stop and I am glad that you have realised that.

You are strong, stay strong.

And be ready for him trying it on again with you. He didnt want you when he could have you, and now you dont want him then he will be desperate to get back with you. Only for him to do it all again once he knows he has you hooked and then gets bored.......

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 09:37:38

Your ds will suffer more if he receives mixed messages and sees mummy upset.

AbigailAdams Tue 11-Dec-12 09:54:00

You can't carry on doing things with DS at the moment because of what he did. Tell him this. There may be a way back to "friendship" once the horrible and immediate feelings of rejection and hurt have gone. Until then I agree with the rest, minimal contact.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 09:57:50

Children thrive best when there are clear boundaries in their life. It makes them feel secure and confident.

At the moment the boundaries in your life OP seem very fluid...one minute you're a family unit buying Xmas trees...the next minute Mummy is upset...the next day your DS is being handed over at the front door...it's simply all too confusing for children, and it really unsettles them (which is why your DS has become very clingy).

You need to stop doing the family stuff with your ex because you aren't a family anymore. You need to constantly reassure your DS that both Mummy and Daddy love him very much, but that you don't live together anymore, and that you don't do things together anymore - and keep repeating this.

Pretty soon he will forget that life was ever any different, and he will be fine.

openerofjars Tue 11-Dec-12 09:59:11

He shouldn't get to have his cake and eat it. Tell him to do one.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 11-Dec-12 20:52:19

Right, I've had a text conversation with him and said no more family time and quick handover of ds when he collects him and drops him off. I said we couldn't be friends and that it was confusing ds. I had agreed to him staying Christmas eve (on the pull out futon!!) so he could be with ds christmas morning but I have cancelled that and said if he really wants to see him he can come early (7am) then leave. Ds will be with me for Christmas day then spend Boxing day and the next 3 nights with him. It'll be the longest I've been without ds and I'm dreading it but looking forward to a break.

You lot are great, when I told my DM what you'd advised she wholeheartedly agreed and said he was having everything his way but that she hadn't wanted to interfere. She went through this with my father and I've asked her to help me in the future in regards to this as it's all so strange. I know I'll get through it, I've got through worse but when you're putting your children first you start doubting your decisions.
Thank you so much, again.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 21:23:31

I always feel inordinately pleased when lovely OPs such as yourself act on the infinite wisdom that is imparted by so many caring women (and some men) on this board.

Now that you're driving the bus, you'll find the route that will transport your ex to the place he needs to be - which is firmly in your history so that you can look forward to a brighter future without him sucking the joy out of your life.

Have a great Christmas, honey, and get yourself out and about catching up with your dm and other relatives/friends and enjoy a wine or two while your little lad is with his df.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 11-Dec-12 21:50:55

Thanks izzy, it never fails to amaze me just how supportive this forum is. That people take time to think and reply to help others is just brilliant. I really hope one day I'll be on here giving people the benefit of my experience.

Hope you have a great christmas too!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 22:17:38

Great news

You stand up for yourself love

He is not in charge and he is not the boss of you wink

You need to protect yourself from as much hurt as possible, and that means disengaging emotionally from him. Listen to your mum, she sounds wise and ask her to speak up sooner next time.

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