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after the affair

(14 Posts)
LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 09:29:42

Re - above message "he's only met her once"

Typo - should have been he HAD only met her once, clearly no longer the case!

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 09:27:33

I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband had started seeing a woman he met on a freebie dating site. It had only been going on for a few weeks and he's only met her once (albeit for a weekend together), and we were about to go on a monster holiday we'd spent years planning...

I realised, literally yesterday, that I had been the one pushing - begging if I'm being honest - for him to love me, to forgive me for being such an awful wife that he cheated on me.

He's left me and gone to her two or three times now and every time when he has come back he has sworn to stop contact. Every time I have said it's his last chance, no more lies, even though I've clearly not meant it once. I've messaged her, I'm ashamed of how crazy I think I've been acting, I've said things I wish I could take back. When I found out last week that they were STILL talking to each other he told me had always been planning to leave - just not before Christmas. I'm heartbroken. He left that day and I think he's staying with friends. He's looking for jobs in other cities. She's left her husband (or so I'm told). I feel cheated out of the rest of my life.

We've been together since I was at school. I have no idea how to begin to separate my life from his and I hate myself that I know, for certain, if he came back today, I still wouldn't be in a place where I can turn him away. I have no idea yet where that kind of strength comes from. I don't think he will come back anymore. I hope I find some strength from somewhere.

EdithWeston Mon 10-Dec-12 23:32:33

If he is not going to break off contact, and is giving you 'nothing back' when you try to talk about what has happened, then he does not appear from what you have posted to be remotely remorseful for what he is doing, nor committed to you.

It's not a great idea to make permanent decisions in the immediate aftermath of discovery, but it really does sound as if you need time away from him to work out your options. Think about asking him to leave asap. And, other than necessary child and finance admin, do not contact him during the separation. If he contacts you, make your first question 'have you left her?'. Until the answer is 'yes' there really isn't anything worthwhile in a future with him (and even when it is, he's got a huge task ahead of him to show he's worth ever going near again).

Even if you think he's gone to OW, stay calm and dignified. Be kind to yourself. Use the opportunity to regain your strength and work out what kind of future you want for you and DCs.

sunny177 Mon 10-Dec-12 23:27:56

I promise you it will get better. I spent many a day wondering where he was what he was doing just like you and still occasionally I start thinking about times when I guess he was with her or phoning her. i found out at one point he'd taken our youngest dd who was 18 months at the time out with her on several occasions and at that point thought i don't want to know any more and stopped digging around for evidence as it killed me, but I do promise you it will and does get easier. I now think about it loads less and i have quickly come to realise that the more i argued and was angry with him the worse i felt so i made a conscious decision to be as amicable as possible with him for the kids sakes and I've managed it. The less i argued with him the better i felt. don't get me wrong i hate him and what he did and will never forgive his deceit and lies especially after he was 'trying' but still in contact with her but it makes it easier to get over i think. just get as much support and care as you can from family and friends and keep yourself and the children busy. i think if it wasn't for my children i would still be in a worse place. eventually you'll have weekends when the kids are with him and you can start rediscovering yourself and begin to have quality time for yourself. Like you I thought never again will I trust a man or date but 6 months later I do feel ready. You will get through it it's just a long roller coaster of a journey.
Like I said anything I can help or support with please just message me. I had a friend who'd been through similar and was 6 months further down the path from me and it helped so much to have her advice and support x x x

doinmybest Mon 10-Dec-12 22:32:43

Thanks sunny it helped me. I think about him constantly, when he walked the dog was he phoning her, when he played football did he see her, when I went out was he phoning/texting. Now I still wonder what hes doing, where is he, is he watching what we used to watch on tv but its getting better Im not sure about dating , Im not sure I could trust anyone again sad but Im looking for that light at the end of the tunnel

sunny177 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:28:51

Hey stripeymum, in may I find out my exh was having a affair. Like you I spent a week begging him to stay and he did and we tried to work through it. I believed I was happily married. No one but you can make the decision but I would suggest that if like my ex he isn't giving anything back, i think i persisted for aout 3 weeks, then maybe his heart isn't in the same place, after trying hard I found he'd been texting emailing his mistress whilst sat next to me watching tv and whilst he said he was going to try he obviously couldn't keep away! To cut a long story short I think to work through it is as hard as to separate and go it alone. Whatever you decide, and it has to be what you decide not what anyone else thinks/wants but just remember you are worth so much more and unless he can pull his finger out and start to prove that you will never be able to heal from this. 6 months on and I am beginning to feel I don't think about what he did 24/7. I'm now online dating and have really found myself again and feel like me not just someones wife/mother. After being married for 10 years I never would have believed it but I'm ok and yes it's hard at times I have 3 dc, I am a working mum but I love my children to bits and they always come first. I hope my story gives you a bit of hope that there is life past this and you can do it. Just don't be second best and don't hang on to a thread when you can and will move on to something much better. If you want to have a chat or any more questions as I remember being where you are and it's a really dark place to be, please please message me. You need as much support as you can Hun x x x there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise x

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 20:22:42

Do not tell him you want to try to stay together. That is letting him off the hook. Even if you do want that, make him believe you are seriously considering ending it. Make him leave while you consider it.

And bear in mind - if he's not on his knees begging your forgiveness he isn't really sorry sad

doinmybest Mon 10-Dec-12 20:02:52

i agree, take your time. Only you know if you beleive he's going to put in as much effort into working it through as you are. Is he remorseful? Does he realise you're weighing up the options and he could lose everything? How does he seem? Only you know. If you think he is committed to working it out then you need to decide if its what you want. If youre not sure from his point, then theres your answer. Sorry its a bit round the houses but don't do anything you will regret either way

jelliebelly Mon 10-Dec-12 19:46:34

One week isn't long enough to have any idea - dh had an affair/mid life crisis 10 years ago pre-kids and I can truly say we are stronger now than ever BUT I threw him out, sold our flat and lived in a different city for 6 months before we started to work it out - at no point during that time did I have a clear picture of how it would turn out in the end. 10 years on tbh I still get the occasional flashback I have forgiven him but don't think I will ever forget what he did.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 19:37:35

I am sorry, what a bombshell.

Take your time, weigh things up. Does he work with her, does he see her every day? Did he sound in the least bit sorrowful or keen to repair your marriage? "nothing back from him" doesn't sound like he is prepared to work at this. Did he tell you or did you find out?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Dec-12 17:46:29

And certainly you do not have to take him back.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Dec-12 17:43:54

I agree that a week is still very early days.

I would make a decision to use the next several months to process your emotions - this means asking for time and space to do this.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends to help with this process.

As for your H, he should be working hard in helping the marriage recover - ideally he should be seeking therapy and doing some reading to find out what make him choose to have an affair instead of counselling, talking to you etc.

FBworry Mon 10-Dec-12 17:08:42

One week is not long enough to decide anything final.

However if your dh is not giving anything back is there really a choice? As that suggests to me he perhaps is not interested in working things out, when he should be at your knees begging for forgiveness.

Im sorry for what your going though sad

stripeymum Mon 10-Dec-12 16:56:02

I found out DH was having an affair last week. I have gone though a rollercoaster of emotions since then and feel like I have been standing there saying "let's work through this" since then, with nothing back from him. TOday I have realised that I have a choice as well as to decide if I even want to be in this relationship and I am not so sure. I love him, we have 2 kids together and a good life. I truly believe we could work through it, but now I am thinking that I deserve better, more and perhaps splitting up is an option. Either way it will be hard, I'm prepared for that, but for once I am uncertain.....any advice out there. should i want to try, or get excited about a new life with more time for me, more quality time with the kids (rather than putting off doing stuff as I think we should do it as a family, not just me and them) and learning from the relationship so potentially using that to meet someone who would treat me better. I am very unsure.

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