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Does anybody still have bad/sad days 2 years after divorce?

(22 Posts)
GemsAngels Mon 10-Dec-12 14:26:15

Its been an emotional and financial roller coaster over the last 2 years, I sometimes wonder how I got through it. It would take a very long time to explain from what Iv come from to where I am and the journey getting here. I was just wondering if having sad days was kinda normal 2 years on, I know everyone has bad days but yesterday and today are just awful, Im feeling so emotional right now. I thought it took 2 years to get over a divorce and I honestly thought that time was near until yesterday, I dont know what happened to me. I feel angry at myself for being this way but I just cant help it.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 14:32:04

I'm 18 years down the track since everything finished, life is good on the whole and still, when I least expect it, something reminds me of that past life and I get a twinge of .... I dunno.... sadness? regret? nostalgia? Nothing like as raw as it was originally (and 2 years is still quite a short space of time) but I think some traumatic things never really leave you. You just learn to live with them. No point being angry with yourself. There's no timeframe on grief.

GemsAngels Mon 10-Dec-12 14:49:00

Really? Still? I guess I feel angry cos I dont want to be sad, Iv come so far. I just hate the thought of always having days like this. Its the guilt thing at his time of the year. Divorce has got to be the hardest thing Iv ever done.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 16:08:35

No-one wants to be sad. But shit happens. Life happens. I don't think you can't expect to sail through painful experiences like divorce or the death of someone close and emerge completely unaffected. We don't think anything of it if something reminds us of a happy experience - we're quite happy to ramble through old photo albums reminiscing - so we shouldn't be surprised if we occasionally remember bad times. Certainly you shouldn't feel angry about a natural emotion.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 16:15:11

BTW... guilt is for the birds. However the divorce came about, even if it was you that initiated it, you need to downgrade 'guilt' to 'regret'....it's far less corrosive.

feelingdizzy Mon 10-Dec-12 16:16:41

I am 8 years post divorce and the day to day sadness of the event has gone,but divorce is like any sad and traumatic event,it doesn't disappear.

It leaves a mark,my divorce will always be a sad event in my life like other sad things.I choose to see how I have survived and thrived and I look at my kids now 9 and 10 and think' I did that'.I am proud ,a liitle battered and bruised by the journey but proud nonetheless.

It's not a bad place to be.

flatbellyfella Mon 10-Dec-12 17:02:41

2 years on & still hurts like hell. I don't think I will ever get rid of the emotional pain.

Wecanfixit Mon 10-Dec-12 18:47:53

2 years it that all? , sorry but I agree with Cogno , I am 20 years down the line and things can still come back to haunt me unexpectedly , I do remember that in the early years I could not see the wood from the trees , hate to say it but that old cliche time is a healer really is true hear, be kind to yourself , it is a HUGE and traumatic and life changing event in anyones life, and so much to come to terms with , I hope you have good friends and family who support you for years to come , you will get through this.

SherbetVodka Mon 10-Dec-12 19:08:29

I split with my ex husband five years ago. It was my decision and was the right thing to do for us both. I'm now married to another wonderful man who I love with all my heart. Ex H is happily in a relationship with someone who is far better suited to him than I was.

But I still often feel sad and guilty about leaving Ex H. Don't really know why, it's strange.

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 19:13:32

I am almost at 3 years of splitting and it was all happening at this time of year so I am currently doing some "this time 3 years ago " days.

As I know my marriage needed to end I have always tried to use that as a starting point to limiting the pain .Also it wasnt my choice so in the long run that has helped to accept what I couldnt change.

If there was no sadness and pain that would make a mockery of our 17 years together so I just try and go with it and know it will pass. Nowadays it happens rarely and goes quickly

Is it the time of year for you OP ? So much happy family stuff everywhere you look

Feckthehalls Mon 10-Dec-12 19:15:12

I still feel very sad about my divorce sometimes. It was 16 years or so ago

Llareggub Mon 10-Dec-12 19:21:57

I feel a bit worried reading these posts. I am a year in from separating from my ehH and our divorce is underway on the grounds of his unreasonable. Apart from the financial shit he left me in, and the strain of getting used to being essentially a lone parent, I haven't had much in the way of angst about our marriage breakdown. Will it hit me like a truck sometime soon? I do have days where I feel it is difficult to cope but for me that is more about being knackered, rather than him if you see what I mean?

MyLittleFireBird Mon 10-Dec-12 19:24:41

I am 2 years post split and no, I don't ever have sad days or feel any emotional pain about the relationship break-up (together over 8 years) but I was pretty much over the loss of him by the time we split. I have sadness and regret that it happened on my son's behalf only. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I am therapy to deal with the aspects of my life that make me sad.

ISayHolmes Mon 10-Dec-12 19:29:37

I found I had low days thinking about everything that had happened only when something bad was going on my life. It was like a trained connection IFYSWIM: today was lousy=feel down= mull over failed marriage. I didn't regret the divorce, it just became a bad habit to associate negative emotions with the memory of everything that had happened. I was so used to getting upset over our relationship that even when it was over my mind found a way back to it. Once I realised I was upset about other things and just falling back on the old worries I stopped thinking about everything that had happened so much.

Hope that makes sense.

BadLad Tue 11-Dec-12 08:45:55

Still feel very sad from time to time years later.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 09:24:33

It may not hit you like a truck if it hasn't already, Llareggub, but it wouldn't be surprising if you got strange days when you suddenly felt a bit "oo-er" about it. A general sadness, a down-ness, the old "if only" syndrome. You've probably been too busy to mourn the relationship that might have been if you've been so busy picking up the pieces. Mourning may come, but more gently for being late.

Like losing a parent, say; you get over the grief, but one day you hear a song they used to sing or see something you would have wanted to tell them about when they were still here, and it briefly awakens the feeling of loss. It doesn't mean you're not really over it as such, because most of the time it's ok. In a way it's a good thing because you wouldn't want to forget them totally. Or in the case of divorce, you don't want to forget the Awful Lessons!

ike1 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:18:57

I am having a real down time at the moment 3 years on...its Christmas you see.. all that thing about family and get togethers. Very hard..plus my ex gives the impression of being extremely happy with the OW while I still struggle with the sense of rejection and loss..sorry. Its not like this most of the time though.

LemonDrizzled Tue 11-Dec-12 10:47:57

I'm not divorced yet but have been separated 27 months (my choice). I HATE failing at things and dislike myself for how I behaved at the end of the marriage. Despite being with a lovely man now I have been very full of remorse over what happened to my life and how things have turned out for my DC. I never expected life to turn out like this.
On the plus side I have left a selfish user and recalibrated my twat radar nicely.

GemsAngels Tue 11-Dec-12 12:47:09

Thankyou all so much for your messages smile
It was 2 years last month and with it being christmas, maybe its harder. I can relate to most posts.
To cut a very very long story short I had to leave my husband to find me. I had a not so nice upbringing and I let it effect my marriage, who I was. Its too late now and Im angry I couldnt be who I wanted to be when married.
I think its what I should of had that I miss, more so than who I had, not sure really.

gettingeasier Fri 14-Dec-12 17:45:40

ISayHolmes thats interesting I think I do that too but hadnt made the connection. I am going to give that some thought.

ike I totally understand and its feelings of that kind that made me delve back for this thread. My XH had his OW lined up and has been with her since we split and I assume they are happy . She has lots of DC with GFs etc and all in all it sounds like the Waltons !! By contrast I have not had so much as a date in 3 years and I think that its a straight case of envy sometimes that gives me bad days where I think how come he gets to go off into the sunset after 17 years and just slot himself into a ready made life where I wouldnt know where to start. Also my heart appears to have atrophied and left me with no desire for a man in my life

I think Christmas does amplify this with all the perfect lives being peddled out there and I am looking forward to Boxing Day and getting past the 3 year mark

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 08:21:41

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