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Is my boyfriend tight?(313 Posts)
Firstly, apologies for the long message!
I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!
We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.
He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?
As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!
I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?
Oh damn just saw the last few posts....was a bit slow with my response there!! Too bad Maybe he was an arsehole after all
You havent been going out with him very long. It sounds like he's testing you to make sure ur not a gold digger as you have such a salary difference. He has probably had girls take advantage of his generosity in the past and is not keen to repeat that. Wait for him to trust you, then he will be more generous. Try not to moan toooo much about money. Buy little gifts that he doesnt expect, like a CD or something...you might have to do it a few times but after a while he will naturally feel he should return the favour, you will then slowly build up a good trust where you both feel comfortable to buy each other little things within ur budgets and all will be well.
My BF was totally stingey when we first met, he always used to split the bill when he had spent most (im vegetarian). I'd sometimes just make a little comment like - oh maybe £5 less for me look? Paying your way is one thing, but make sure its fair or else he'll think he can get away with it long term. And then make a big splash like - I think I'll get dinner for us tonight darling. He might not be used to that and will hopefully reconsider his attitude.
Dont do his washing for him, you are really not helping yourself with that one!! If you act like his mum he will totally take advantage!!
wasted four months on tightass miserable git? Tut, tut. You have got to look to improve on that timing, Pippi.
If you fetch up with another skinflint with moths in his wallet, dump the fucker within 4 days and work towards getting your speed down to 4 hours max
I think that Valentines day should also be for celebrating the fact you are single and not in a shit relationship too.
Have a kick ass Valentines day!
I meant I Give It A Year, of course.
Thank you guys. I´m going out with a female friend tomorrow to see I Give It Year, I deserve a bit of fun and laughter. Especially after being with the ever-miserable ex.
I´m currently reading this book called Mr Unavailable. He has so many "qualities" described in the book. :D
Well done! Its fine to be miserable after a dumping even when it is so richly deserved!
Oh and congratulations on the job!
Congratulations on the new job, pippi!
I'm sorry your ex enjoyed an extra couple of months in your company. You are far too good for him and his odd, selfish, highly suspect behaviour.
On to greater things now
I´ve been off this site for long. Just wanted to give you an update.
I´m embarrassed to say that I didn´t dump him then, but I eventually did it today - by text. I´ve been really unhappy for the past couple of months and was actually trying to make things work. Didn´t want to be clingy, so tried so hard not to text him or make contact. So I was always in the begging situation and he had control over the relationship.
A few things about him: he never called me (only maybe twice to ask if I was pregnant - his worst fear - after I texted him I needed to talk about something).
I spent Christmas with my family in my home country and never heard from him. I was really upset.
I got him a Christmas present (a Bulgari aftershave), but didn´t get a present myself. Apparently he does not believe in such traditions. :S How cold and uncaring.
As it´s Valentine´s day this Thursday, I asked what he would be doing then and the reply was "nothing, I´ll be working". He only comes round once a week (Saturday), so that was his plan for this weekend as well. Well, not anymore.
I was so upset the whole weekend and eventually came to my senses today and made the decision to dump him. My friends are really pleased about this. I am crying while writing this, but I know I will be feeling better soon. At least I have great friends to support me.
I am already starting to feel better about myself. Good riddance.
Oh by the way, I got the job I had an interview for back in November last year.
He's tight, my ex was like this he'd take me out (which wasnt very bloody often) he'd moan about the price of everything! It is so unattractive. I do believe that in the beginning I think that the man should be a gentleman and pay if he wants to take you out! I dont care if that sounds sexist by the way
oh he sounds mean, and even if he doesnt know he is being mean it would put me off him, hate mean people, i dont mind peope being careful with money but there is a difference. my husband when I met him, i had an old banger of a car and he was a well paid carpenter, he was only 23 and also i was only with him about 3 months , he handed me 500 quid and said look get that car fixed i dont want you driving around in a death trap. oh it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. And ever since he has more than looked after me, and i in turn look after him, might not work but i do my very best to treat him to nice things. are you going to say something to him?
sorry didnt mean to go on a rant there - to summarise what i am trying to say: yes he is being very tight and to my mind this is a character trait not something to be taken in isolation - and trust me, you can try and get someone to change their behaviour - you can never change their character........ same advice break up with him and find someone with a nicer character
I have been in this situation - and yes he is tight - and he will be tight in other ways too. i remember when my dh and i started dating i noticed he would never leave a tip and other smallish things. then when we started getting more settled we would have dinner in my house alot and i remember asking a friend was it tight that he never even brought as much as a bottle of wine or a packet of biscuits. the writing was on the wall then and i wish said friend would have told me that yes that is a stingy miserable person right there!
anyway i married him and had kids and to say i have had a tough few years would be an understatement.
he will only get worse as the stakes get higher - they always do - so while you might be enjoying his company now and hoping that things will improve or he will change - that wont happen. sorry to be so doom and gloom but i am on very dependent on my dh (not to pay everything to to pay his share) and it is horrible and makes me feel very insecure. always excuses not to pay his part of the electric bill or complaining about the price of everythign.
sorry to be so blunt but dont get involved any further - if you are not mean yourself there is nothing as unattractive and embarrasing as being with a tight wad. there are no excuses.
ps might just be my dh but along with the meaness there was always this retinence to hold back in other areas and whilte lies and pleading poverty - run girl!!
Fed and watered from my fridge, never offered to help out. I,m a single mum low earner, he was an analyst on 40k.
Took home from my fridge 2 sauages for his breakfast next day,i had brought to feed dc.
Brought my dc a large packet of crisp some left over, he ate the rest because he had brought them told dc not to have anymore.
Took him out to dinner he sat there and ordered 7 pints of beer with his food.
Wanted lift home from Airport, it was my skint few days before payday asked for tenner petrol said I was taking a fucking liberty asking him for it.
Started his own clothes buisness ran him around suppliers and places in my car, didnt pay for any petrol.
Asked him for a t shirt from his new buisness, held his hand out and charged me for it saying he was not a charity.
Moaned that he would not pay £23 for a meal for 3 of us and I was a mug to do it.
please Pippi tell me you have not hooked up with my ex of 3 years. All of the above is one tight arsehole, maybe it his twin brother!!!!
I must have missed this gripping thread in December - desperate to hear the outcome!
"And I'm so glad that the tone of this thread has changed back to being supportive, which is what you deserve, rather than that crazy tangent of baseless accusations!"
Not sure what accusations you're referring to Fluffball... BUT
I do think OP should have a long think about what happened in this relationship - not just about what her boyfriend did, but about what she did. Unless that is she wants to spend the rest of her life skivvying for some man and being treated like a slave by her children.
Definitely just dump and don't expend any more energy on this man. So what if he doesn't have the job he says he has, or if he is married... You already know he is discourteous, tight, misogynistic, and looking for someone to do his washing/ cook him meals/ put out etc. on his terms.
Please listen to your head. Speaking as someone who's been there, pre-Mumsnet, and wishes she'd had such wise and kind advice from other women (and some nice men) all those years ago.
One day you will probably meet a good man, but he ain't it.
You sound like you're reaching a good headspace regarding this strange man, pippilongstockinglondon. Just way too many red flags for you to even consider him as a long-term prospect. Given this, I agree with those who've said there's no need to try to verify the details he's given you, play detective, etc. I can assure you that he's behaving like he's got something to hide, which means he's lying to you - either overtly or through omission. So I guess any lingering "infatuation" is misplaced anyway, as you don't actually know the man you've been dating!
And I'm so glad that the tone of this thread has changed back to being supportive, which is what you deserve, rather than that crazy tangent of baseless accusations! Even when you know people's comments are totally off-base/unfounded, the insults can still hurt - especially when you're someone who values others' opinions of you/likes to see people happy (as I can certainly attest).
Best wishes to you.
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