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Is my boyfriend tight?

(313 Posts)
pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:39:48

Firstly, apologies for the long message!

I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!

We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.

He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?

As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!

I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?

janelikesjam Mon 10-Dec-12 14:17:13

p.s. if you are "stuck in a dead-end job" OP, I really think it would be better for you to concentrate on yourself and what you would really like to do and go for that. This is a much better strategy for happiness and fulfilment than wasting your energy on idiots as above. Meanwhile cook for yourself, cook for friends etc, you sound like a good cook!

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 14:19:56

Excellent advice from jane Concentrate on yourself for a little while.

I'd be ditching this online person sharpish along with raising your own relationship bar. He being tight and you washing his clothes after only two months in?!, the first 12 months are supposed to be the happiest and you are clearly unhappy.

Re this comment:-
"I have to stay I come from a family where we had enough money when I was a child and my dad always used to buy me little treats, so I would feel loved".

Sounds like your Dad was guilty for divorcing your mother and so tried to overcompensate (perhaps as you are doing now with this young man of yours). Think what you wanted more than anything else from your Dad was his actual TIME and showing effort, not just bloody treats that are short lived. Think also about what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

Re your dead end job any chance of changing it?.

cestlavielife Mon 10-Dec-12 14:41:31

"flatmates girlfriend"? and you take his word for it?
go on a recce.

so he has a place with a mortgag and has loders to pay the mortgage?

but he doesnt like one of them (or their partner) but wont ask them to leave?
none of it makes sense.

call his work and see if he works there or google him.

washing his clothes after two months?? washing his clothes fullstop. why why why ???? are you mad??

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:43:26

AttilaTheMeerkat,

You are absolutely right. I didn't care much about the treats, I only wanted my dad's actual time and effort.

Yes, I have been attending job interviews since July, but no luck yet. Will keep trying, I'm very stubborn. smile

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 14:45:03

Pippi, I am not sure that he's that genuine. He's keeping you away from his home (but happy to come to yours) and not spending any money. These are warning signs to me that he could be in a relationship already.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:45:11

I think I have been blind and have been trying to please him without getting much back.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:46:20

I'm seeing all the warning signs now...

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 14:47:50

Just read the clothes washing part. That's nuts.

I totally agree with lego. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please a new boyfriend, but you should really think about why you are so anxious to please someone even though they are really taking advantage of you.

It is totally valid to say that you want to be with someone generous (whether with money, time, attention, whatever). If that's the case, then stick to that. Set it as a new standard. If you start seeing someone and they aren't meeting that standard, bin them and move on. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.

How old is he anyway?

lostconfusedwhatnext Mon 10-Dec-12 14:49:36

Little bits of money here and there don't matter, sometimes, but the way he is doing it to you, in context, shows a lack of respect for you. Add it all up: the money you spend on food for nice cooking, the cooking itself, the using your place, the washing (!!!), the snippy remarks about what you don't have in (seriously?), the going to a caff without you (rather than getting your breakfast ready for when you wake up) - it means he thinks that a girlfriend is an appliance and you are there to service him. Actually I am glad you are not flush because I'm afraid if you could afford to finance all this you might put up with it - if it is the money that is making you question the whole situation, then good, because it needs to be questioned.
I would get rid - if you want a partner, he isn't one.
Or, if you don't have strong feelings for him (do you say if you even like him, or are falling for him? I missed it if so) and want a fuck-buddy arrangement for now, do it at his place, or at a hotel that he pays for, and don't make meals or do washing. But don't do this if you really deep down want a partner or if you would be better spending the energy on yourself or real relationships (including with real friends)

ClippedPhoenix Mon 10-Dec-12 14:50:15

He certainly knows how to "look after" No.1" which is him OP.

LoopsInHoops Mon 10-Dec-12 14:50:19

Oh come on OP, he's clearly married.

I can't believe that you're washing his clothes for him shock Some good advice on here though, I think it sounds quite dodgy too, sorry!

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:08:55

I will definitely phone his company's switchboard and why out whether really works there.

I'm glad I posted this thread, it made me think about the whole situation from a different angle.

My best friend and mum think I'm insane and don't understand why I'm with someone so nasty. He does have some good points too, but maybe I need to write down all the pros and cons. In fact, I will do it tonight.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:10:00

Sorry, I meant 'find out whether he really works there'.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:10:38

He is 32.

What has he done to make your friend and mum think he's nasty?

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 15:17:23

I'd have dumped him at the wash my clothes part.

Not to mention the always cooking for him.

Screw that. 8 weeks in should be about the two of you cooking meals together in between having sex on the floor, or ordering in takeaway and money shouldn't even be an issue.

DTMFA. Because he's tight and fucking weird.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:22:40

Dreamingbohemian, the same washing clothes and cooking part. And making comments about the contents of my fridge.

TheWombat Mon 10-Dec-12 15:36:12

Oh dear sad
I really don't think you are money-focused OP. But I do agree with everyone that you need to do some digging about his domestic arrangements and maybe his job, too. There's something not right about it all and I think the money thing was just the part you first picked up on - maybe because you were sensitive to it because of the dad thing, IYSWIM.

Don't sell yourself too short smile

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 15:37:06

OP your best friend and Mum are wise.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 15:43:21

I wouldn't bother doing any digging up, either. Just dump. If he asks why, tell him, 'Because you're weird.'

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 15:52:06

Yes, no digging for info. It will only make you feel bad and raise more questions than give answers.

He leaves his clothes for you to wash? shock

Why the hell do you do them?

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