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Is my boyfriend tight?

(313 Posts)
pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:39:48

Firstly, apologies for the long message!

I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!

We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.

He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?

As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!

I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 12:44:17

He might just have no idea. Next time he suggests something you can't afford, say so. If he's staying at yours tell him he needs to chip in.
Is there any possibility he doesn't want expensive items showing up on his bank statements?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 12:48:26

No you're not being unfair. He's not making any effort if he's constantly round your place and not contributing. (Why do you never stay at his??) He's not only a freeloader he's got a bloody cheek critiquing your cupboard contents when you've only known him a few weeks! I'd dump him for the frozen pies alone...

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 12:50:57

Yes he's taking the piss slightly but I think that you haven't been upfront and honest either.

Don't offer to go Dutch if you can't afford it and then expect him to somehow know that you wanted him to pay. FWIW, I don't believe that the guy should just pay and I think it's quite a sexist and out of date attitude.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:51:13

I'm not really sure whether he's worried about his bank statements. I know that his monthly outgoings are rather high and I'm not suggesting he should take me out to expensive places. But he should really chip in more as we're always staying at my place.

Maybe I'm just annoyed that he has such awful eating habits...

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 12:55:06

Then you need to set out some ground rules. When DH and I first got together, he was round at mine a lot and eating a lot of my food so he just gave me money towards the food.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 12:55:12

Are you sure he's a financial analyst? Have you ever been to his place or stayed over there? Usually when a man says 'I'll bring supper' IME it's steak, salad, wine and possibly an M&S pud to round it all off with.... not a tin of effing beans.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:56:37

We're not staying at his place, because he hates his flatmate's girlfriend.

APMF Mon 10-Dec-12 12:59:27

He doesn't seem to be making much of an effort but another way of looking at it is that he feels at ease with you and doesn't see a need to keep track of who spends the most.

As for being tight, I say no. Ok, he isn't the most generous boyfriend around, considering how much he earns (no romantic countryside breaks?) but hardly tight.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:04:13

I have seen his CV (well, one of the many versions) and it says that he is a financial analyst. Never been to his place as he doesn't like staying at his. I live in a shared household too, but have lovely flatmates and our house is really comfy. There might be various reasons why he prefers staying at my place instead - nearer to the city, comfort, great flatmates.

A tin of beans is not exactly my idea of dinner.

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 13:08:29

I am foodie OP and a tin of beans isn't my idea of dinner but over the years I have found that to a lot of people, it really is! hmm

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 13:08:49

You've never been to his place? He's tight, has poor taste in food and he is using your home as a very cheap hotel, three nights a week. What on earth are these 'expensive outgoings' because the money sure as hell isn't being spent on you.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:15:22

It seems as if it is very comfortable at your house. And you earn less than half than he does...

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 10-Dec-12 13:16:09

Hes on more than 50k if hes an FA in the city unless he's junior. It sounds like studenty tightness, apologies and commiserations if he's older as he should know better!

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 13:16:52

If I ever get back into men or dating the first thing I shall say is "Oh no I cant cook to save my life".

No way would I slaving away putting the effort in for someone who doesnt pitch up with a nice bottle of wine or be fulsome with praise for my meals.

YANBU and yes he sounds like , amongst other things, he is tight

This does sound a bit weird. If he's making 50-60K, why does he even have a flatmate? And if he does, why are his outgoings so high?

It's not totally about the money, is it, it's about generosity and being on the same page.

I do think it's a bit outdated and sexist to expect a man to pay for everything on a first date. But it's not odd to expect something nice if you are always cooking nice dinners for him.

Why did you see his CV?

SuperChristmasScrimper Mon 10-Dec-12 13:19:50

You sound shockingly money focused to me. You remember every single penny spent and every single meal in 2 months?! That's a little creepy.

perceptionInaPearTree Mon 10-Dec-12 13:20:39

He should pay for you if he takes you out for a meal, especially when he ought to be trying to make a good impression. I agree it sounds like student behaviour!

MuffinPaws Mon 10-Dec-12 13:20:47

He sounds tighter than two coats of paint and very hard work.

Leave the bastard.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:24:03

It does not matter if a person earns £10 000 a year or £1000 000 a year - tight is unattractive.

Frugal - if you are a couple and working towards a joint goal i.e. paying a mortgage/fees/for an operation - is a good thing.

When you are in a relationship and there is one half who is tight with money, it causes problems (there also tends to be a give/take dynamic with the tight person also being the taker in the relationship - as evidenced by the examples you have given above)

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:24:32

He definitely has poor taste in food and it annoys me.

His outgoings: rent (less than my £550), mortgage and car. He does get money from his tenants though, so I thought it should cover the mortgage, but apparently not. I suppose it costs quite a lot to manage a property.

Oh I completely forgot to mention the following. He also leaves his clothes for me to wash. I think he should chip in more if he expects me to be a 50's housewife: cooking, cleaning and washing his clothes too.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:27:51

His clothes? After eight weeks?

He's a charmer alright.

By the way; what would happen if you were to go to his place for a change?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 13:27:55

Mortgage?

He "hates his flatmates girlfriend"?

You have never been to his house?

Are you sure this "flatmates girlfriend" is not his or even a wife?

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:28:25

X post with Quint

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:31:18

I've never been told that I'm money focused - maybe I am. But I had to spend quite a lot of time to remember what we have spent over the past two months. I only added these details to explain the situation better. And the reason I know the exact amount is that I looked up the prices on the restaurant website before posting this. Plus I have a very good memory and tend to remember trivial details. But so does he. He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago if I had found his £2.50 that had fallen out of his pocket in my bedroom.

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