Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dumpable?

(94 Posts)
snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 07:42:16

Been brooding about this. Don't want to drip feed so bit long.

Have been seeing bloke for five months. It has been fun - great sex, lots of social stuff. We both have kids but tend to see each other alone, mutual choice.

This weekend - no kids. Lovely Friday afternoon in bed, both left work early so could spend a bit of quality time together. Saturday had tickets for a show in London, travelled up early, delicious lunch, museum, touristy walk, show, great dinner and home more great sex

Sunday am, he wakes early to take part in hobby (by prior agreement) I stay in bed, lounge about, have coffee. he returns about 3 hrs later comes back to bed bringing Sunday papers. He asks for cup of tea (although he has just come up stairs) I make him cup of tea and come back to bed.

So we're lounging about, drinking tea, reading paper and the popular omnibus version of a weekly tale of the life of country folk is announced. I am an habitual, though not obsessive, listener, which he knows. Following conversation ensues:

Him - 'oh we're not listening to this shit'
me - 'it's the Archer's I want to know what happens to blah' (don't want to bore you with plot)
him - well you can go downstairs if you want to hear it'(re-tunes to replay of TMS)
me - 'hang on, you're reading the paper, can't I listen to the Archers?'
him - 'No'
me - 'what?'
him - 'no'
me - ' are you seriously saying that I can't listen to the archers while you read the paper?'
him - 'yes'
me - 'you are joking?'
him - 'no'
(staring contest follows where neither wavers)
me - 'I'll get up then'

I am incredulous and completely bemused. I get out of bed, shower, dress, go downstairs. Listen to Archers.

He comes down about an hour later and asks if I'm 'still sulking'. Rather than dissolve into lump of seething fury I tell him I'm leaving, he jokingly asks if he's dumped so clearly knows he's been a knob, tell him I'll text him later and leave.

Bit more background - this is my first relationship since end of EA marriage two years ago. Done the freedom programme and the horrendous divorce.

I feel like 'sending' me for a cup of tea was the tester and then refusing to 'let' me listen to a radio programme was pushing the boundary a bit further. Over reacting or ltb?

Viviennemary Wed 12-Dec-12 21:17:31

DH always mocks the things I watch on TV but who cares. I don't. So I laugh at the films he watches which are truly juvenile. Puts on Po face. I think it was fair enough for him to say it was rubbish but not fair to say you couldn't watch it. What a nerve. But it's not really enough for anybody to say if this means there is no future.

Wecanfixit Wed 12-Dec-12 21:11:47

Be careful think over what you are gaining from this "relationship", sounds too controling the NO word , but it is your life I would personally dump him and look to finding someone nearer to home spare you the 3 hour drive when you are pissed off at them.

tzella Wed 12-Dec-12 20:21:06

Oh dear. Hope you're OK, snoop smile

I have to say that his behaviour was the very definition of a red flag. Just run a bit of bad behaviour up the flagpole and see if it flutters. 

My ex did this. Demanded (I don't even remember what he said, I was so dumbfounded) seconds on the roast dinner I made. I was so astonished that my head started buzzing and... I got up to get him seconds. He left for work the next day (after I doubtless shagged him that night as sex is head-turning for me too!), I packed up his bits and texted him to collect them. He rang and invited me to an hotel and we had a marvellous time hmm But it got worse and worse, he pushed, I pushed back and then it got really insane and I ended up having to call the police. 

It's just feels ridiculous to have to heed these seemingly tiny warnings but they flabbergast us for a reason. Because they are bullshit. 

CuriousMama Wed 12-Dec-12 16:08:06

Glad it's sorted. When will you tell him as sounds like he thinks it's still on?

snoopdogg Wed 12-Dec-12 16:04:53

Sigh.....

He's a numpty. Had the convo, he knew he was in the wrong, tried the 'well, I hate the Archers line' (accepted) suggested that it was still out of order to simply forbid me something and that he'd spoilt the weekend. He said 'So that's it is it, I'm dumped?' I said that I didn't think it was completely necessary to end the relationship because we'd had a disagreement. He apologised. I said I preferred to discuss issues and reach compromise rather than deal with an absolutist which seemed to confuse him.

I don't think he's used to debating things like an adult, I don't think he's used to compromise, I don't think he's for me.

It's over.

Just for the record, I don't not say anything anymore (dreadful grammar). I certainly do want fun and being told what to do is not fun - unless it's the 'put this in there' sort of being told what to do. grin

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 12-Dec-12 10:49:27

Lets hope you are right! smile

dequoisagitil Wed 12-Dec-12 10:48:52

Her last post said she's not interested in needy point-scoring bitter fuckers, so I'm hoping that extends to not seeing him anymore. As I don't know what fun is to be had with such a person. But maybe I'm being optimistic.

Theala Wed 12-Dec-12 10:48:36

And that it's an insight into the sort of man I don't want to be with. Not interested in needy point scoring bitter fuckers!

I read this as she's dumping the fucker, no?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 12-Dec-12 10:45:43

I did not get that she was dumping him, only that she was not going to say anything, and that this was ok because she just wanted fun now anyway?

dequoisagitil Wed 12-Dec-12 10:33:37

I thought she said it provides an insight into the sort of man she doesn't want to be with, ergo she's dumping him?

I hope I'm reading her right, anyway.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 12-Dec-12 08:42:55

<head on desk>

You are excusing him, lowering your expectations, and rewriting history with this man, so that you can justify to yourself why you should continue without pulling him up. confused

Ah well. Your life your relationship.

tinkertitonk Tue 11-Dec-12 17:41:18

YABU, the Archers are unbearable. The signature "tune" is used by the North Korean secret police for torturing dissidents, but it only makes me want to hang myself.

HandbagCrab Tue 11-Dec-12 17:34:37

See... You were going to pull him up but he's being needy so you're not saying anything, presumably not to add to his burden. Not ideal IMHO. I see him doing what he wants and you accommodating him (archers, tea, ringing at antisocial hours).

Perhaps he saw his marriage problems as small but she felt they were huge. Perhaps it was an exit affair. Perhaps she is an evil cheating bitch. I dunno. Has he done any work on unpacking what happened? If he hasn't perhaps a year is too soon to be with someone eise anyway regardless of whether he is abusive or not. At worst he is and is looking for a new victim, at best he's an emotional mess who is looking for someone to sort him out. Either way, you don't have to be involved if it not what you want

sarahseashell Tue 11-Dec-12 12:12:08

Any time spent on your part thinking about why he's being mean/rude or even thinking overly about how he's feeling and so on at this stage is time you could better spend taking care of yourself.

Also the 10.45 'needy' phone call? it just is all sounding like something you might be better off without OP, from an objective POV. Find a man who can look after his own emotional needs while you look after your own.

snoopdogg Tue 11-Dec-12 12:02:02

No, I'm saying it doesn't excuse it at all, just provides an insight. And that it's an insight into the sort of man I don't want to be with. Not interested in needy point scoring bitter fuckers!

She told him the relationship had run its course, his daughter has told me in confidence that there's someone else. He thought they were having normal lowish level problems that would sort over time and was shocked when she ended it. She told him it was over about 18 months ago and moved out a year ago. We met in July.

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 11:47:20

The normal reaction to someone not feeling the same way about you as you do about them is not to be horrible to them.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 11:41:21

So, because his wife fucked off that excuses him being a twat to you ?

Why did his wife leave him ?

sarahseashell Tue 11-Dec-12 11:36:34

OP sounds a little like you're making excuses for him? Put your own interests first here at this stage, especially having relatively recently escaped an EA relationship. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking because he's mean to you it shows he cares [been there emoticon] No it doesn't. It show's he's got the potential to be an abusive arse

snoopdogg Tue 11-Dec-12 10:59:08

Morning, I went to bed early-ish (old lady emoticon) and was woken by the phone at about 10.45. Was himself being a bit needy. Will have to have the chat later and report back.

Tend to agree Somerset. The way I look at it is that I'm not currently interested in a big romantic full on relationship. Having finally escaped the car crash that was my marriage I am primarily interested in getting laid and having fun. If this doesn't meet the criteria I'm happy to walk away. I think the only thing I'd say in mitigation on his behalf is that his marriage ended more recently than mine and she left him. The way we met was completely unexpected and the relationship has developed very nicely to date but I get the sense that he has more feelings for me than vice versa and he might be struggling with that.

Not that that's ever an excuse for cuntish behaviour.

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 06:47:11

You're not over-thinking and you're not high maintenance. Just for the record.

Him coming down an hour later and asking if you're sulking is SUCH a telling comment.

Why would you be sulking unless something had gone down, and someone had done something to piss the other right off? He's basically admitted to pissing you off, and rightly so. He knew full well what he did.

And - here's the things - there was utterly no need to forbid (because that is what he did) you to listen to the Archers. He was reading. The radio being on was no skin off his nose. The only reason he did that was to see if he could do it.

And he didn't get away with it. The whole atmosphere in the house changed after he did it, and he knew full well that you were Not Happy. He now knows how far he can push you, which isn't very.

By all means give him another chance if he's that good in the sack - but my last dollar says he will need that other chance, because anyone who tests someone in such a ludicrously controlling way so obviously and so soon into a relationship won't be able to help themselves. I say you deserve better. And there is better out there.

Mimishimi Tue 11-Dec-12 06:10:22

He didn't sound very upset by the prospect of your relationship ending. That's what would make him 'dumpable' to me. He may genuinely hate the Archers, he may have wanted to lie in bed to read the paper ( good for spreading it all out), he might think you make a great cup of tea. He certainly could have been much politer about it , especially the radio program. He should not necessarily feel contrite about asking you to go downstairs but I think if he cared about you, he would have apologised for the rude way in which he went about it and would have felt dismayed that you were hurt by it. Instead it seemed as though he were laughing at you&#128531;. I wouldn't even call him back to explain that I was hurt actually. If he called, I'd probably tell him that I can't see the relationship continuing.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Tue 11-Dec-12 05:57:26

Well the way he treated you struck a chord with you and raised red flags, you need to listen to how he makes you feel, not just the good bits.

ComradeJing Tue 11-Dec-12 04:47:22

<nosy>

How did it go?

I vote LTB by the way.

orchidee Tue 11-Dec-12 00:37:12

The problem with abusers is that they don't punch you in the face on a first date. Things would be so much clearer that way. smile Instead though it's hazy ahead and clear in hindsight.

OP- how are things now, did you have a chat tonight?

CuriousMama Tue 11-Dec-12 00:18:04

How did it go?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now