Mother Invites ExH for lunch....

[moonmanic]

My Mother informed me yesterday that she has spoken to ExDP and invited him to a family pre-Christmas lunch next Sunday and that he has accepted.

She did not even ask me if it was convenient for me to go, just took the assumption that we will be there. She said that it would be nice for them (which means her and my Dad) for us to have a Christmas lunch with myself, ExDP and our DD.

She knows that I am currently going to Relate on my own to find solutions to me and ExDP's issues, not to find ways to get back together as the relationship is over, but just for advice and direction with regard to how to deal with certain issues like assertiveness on my part and establishing boundaries. ExDP is quite a strong character and is often putting me down and bossing me about and I wanted to regain a bit more control in our relationship for the sake of our DD. My Mum knows this and I have also confided in her about his sometimes bullying behaviour towards me.

The counselling I have been receiving at Relate have delved into all of my relationships including with my parents and this has let me "see the light" and I now believe my mum has always behaved in a very emotionally abusive way, particularly using gas lighting tactics. Always telling me things have not happened when they definitely had, minimising and invalidating my feelings to things that a normal person would be expected to feel strongly about etc. I am now someone who does not have masses of confidence and second guessing myself is a bit issue in that.

Therefore, with regard to her inviting ExDP to lunch without discussing it with me in light of the stuff I've told her, am I being unreasonable to feel betrayed by her? I have always felt like I can't trust her, particularly with doing right by me. She said that she wants to do it for my DD, that it would be nice for her (as ExDP is going away to his family for Christmas and won't be with us) to have a "pretend Christmas" (she is only 13months btw so won't really know what's going on). To be honest I think me and ExDP probably would of done something like this anyway, just the 3 of us.

I'm just interested what others would think if your mum invited an Ex partner for lunch like this. I have such little faith in my own thoughts and feelings I don't know what is reasonable if that makes sense?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

She's lost her conkers hasn't she? Of course you're not being unreasonable to expect your own mother to keep her nose out of your private business and not try to play matchmaker or whatever silly idea she was thinking.

Hope you told to shove her cosy little pre-Christmas lunch up her arse....?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

So you have told her you won't be attending ?

yes ?

[blackcoffee]

tell her great, you hope they all have a good time
you have other plans

[blackcoffee]

wonder where your attraction for bullies stems from ...

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Well, if your mum is a bully then it's sadly not very surprising that you married a bully, nor is it very suprising that she is colluding with him now.
Refuse to go to the lunch, tell your mother that you will not socialise with your XP, end of. Whatever she might say, it will not harm your daughter if you prefer to keep a distance between her father and yourself.

[cestlavielife]

He is your ex. You don't need to go to this dinner.
Your dd is too young to miss it.

(in future times at her wedding yes you might attend as well as exp but you don't need to go to this lunch. If they wish to see your ex well up to them as adults to do this without you

[Kewcumber]

I would think my mother had lost her marbles and would have no qualms about saying "NO". It isn;t her decision to make and if you don;t say no to this then it will continue like this with her treating you like a child.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

BTW... don't confide in your mum any more either. She can't be trusted with relationship information so she has forfeit the right to know your business. It's sad when you can't trust someone but it's a lesson learned.

[Bonsoir]

Just say no.

[moonmanic]

Thats pretty unanimous then. Its helped me feel like I'm not being a drama queen. I don't think I responded to her at all when she told me. I'm generally a bit slow with feelings and emotions, things happen or someone says something to me and it takes a while to work out something is amiss...

I will tell her I won't be going. Kewcumber I think my mum lost her marbles along time ago! She almost made me lose mine too, but I'm desperately trying to hold on to them!

And Cogito I won't confide in her anymore. I'm always got my fingers burnt.

Counselling has really put a lot of stuff into perspective. She is always doing stuff like this, I don't even know if she does it maliciously or if she just does'nt know what she is doing?

[andapartridgeinaRowantree]

Jus Say No.

She's clearly a barm pot who enjoys playing with your emotions. How strange.

[TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine]

It hurt me that my parents and siblings tried to keep in touch with my DS's father citing good relations.

I came to the conclusion it was reasonable for them to decide their relationship with ex-h. It was reasonable for me not to be involved in it.

I told them it was hurtful. Asked them not to tell me about any contact they felt they needed to have with him. He soon revealed his true colours and contact is now restricted to reluctant Christmas cards.

Your instincts are fine. Keep up the counselling. Don't go to lunch.

[MrsFlibble]

Yeah tell her you made other plans, if my mum did that i'd know she was mentally ill, i know she wouldnt since she thinks her DD's ex are wastes of space, so yeah, tell her stick lunch and her match making up her, interfering, bullying, untrustworthy arse and tell exp to go up it too, the cheek of it.

[Kewcumber]

"I don't even know if she does it maliciously or if she just does'nt know what she is doing?" I doubt she does either - its probably been going on so long the reasons for it are lost in the mists of time

[jingleallthespringy]

It is undermining you, isn't it, to invite him and present it to you as a fait accompli. She didn't even consult you. You're not an idiot. and you're not going. don't bother making a fuss (easy to say) just say no as flatly as possible, then change the subject.

[drizzlecake]

I would say it was malicious or why didn't she ok it with you first?? He's your ex fgs.

I wouldn't say anything. I would arrange something else on that day and just not turn up - that way she won't get the chance to rant, blame and guilt trip you (pressing more buttons) when you say no - 'I was only doing it for DGD' blah blah bullshit...

That way your Dex gets pissed off with her for wasting his time and she looks the manipulative bat she is.

Everyone else will tell you to say no but by turning the tables on her and pissing her off your DM is less likely to try this sort of sneaky emotional manipulating again.

[orchidee]

Do you think your mum may have narcissistic personality traits?
If so, you've been groomed your whole life, so it will feel odd to stand up for yourself.

The idea that it'll be a nice event for a baby is just bonkers.
If anything, your baby is best learning now that mum and dad do separate things, and not being confused about your relationship as she grows up.

Oh and your ex knows what role he's playing here.

[Greensleeves]

She is using a classic technique called "triangulation", placing herself in the relationship between you and your ex. It's a very common way of exercising control. She is a toxic manipulative bitch and you would be better off without her. IMO

And don't forget - your sister has a choice too. You shouldn't feel obliged to rescue her from your mother or feel guilty about not sharing the load.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I feel your pain OP. My stbxh is EA and a gaslighter. So is my mum who thinks that a) I shouldn't have left a husband who didn't beat me or cheat on me and b) that I don't deserve any of 'his' money.

And guess what, she couldn't help me move into my house because she and my dad were meeting stbxh at our second home (that he's keeping and which is near where they live) to go out with him for a walk.

YANBU to blow out this event or any similar in the future. Stand up for yourself :)

[Greensleeves]

The sister thing is on the other rotten mother thread and I am an idiot!

the triangulation bit was what I meant to say to you OP

[jingleallthespringy]

tiredofwaiting - my family were like this with my ex too ie they chose him over me. It took me over 20 years but I've finally cut them out for good. YAY should've done it years ago

pardon hijack.

[HughFearnlyShittingFuck]

wow tired, your mum sounds like a real corker!

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's time to trot out the good old Mumsnet response "That doesn't work for me". Don't get into whys, wherefores or justifications (she knows anyway, or doesn't care very much); it simply will not suit you to be there. And you totally do not have to.

[QueenofWhatever]

OP my family did the same - in spite of (or maybe because of) knowing about the years of domestic abuse and a fun period in hospital. It is surprisingly common.

As you start getting over your relationship with your ex, you may re-examine your relationship with your family and your role in it. I found it very illuminating and am now no contact but a lot happier.