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Xmas party and OW

(22 Posts)
Whiteteeth Sun 09-Dec-12 19:43:06

Every Christmas I start to feel really low as it was at Christmas 3 years ago I found out about dh's affair. We have worked hard on our marriage but there is still a way to go. He just told me about the Christmas work party that OW will also be going to. My initial reaction was that he was not going and shouldn't have even asked, but there is also a part of me that thinks that I shouldn't have to be the one who hides away. I worked there too before children and always went to the Xmas party even after i left as I still know so many people. I hate that it still affects me and makes me miss out on so many things. What would you do? Go or stay away?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 19:47:46

I think you both stay away. You're not going to enjoy watching him gazing at her across a crowded room and, if there's any alcohol in the mix, it might get messy....

freerangeeggs Sun 09-Dec-12 19:49:20

Yeah, if it was me I'd stay away.

Whiteteeth Sun 09-Dec-12 19:50:24

She hates him and I actually feel completely indifferent towards her, which is such a breakthrough. But yes you are right, we will stay away again. I don't know if I particularly want to go, I just hate that I can't.

AlmostAChristmasHipster Sun 09-Dec-12 19:50:48

If you're not going, then neither should he! He should know this without having it spelled out.

DontmindifIdo Sun 09-Dec-12 19:50:54

Do other people at work know about the affair? will you be the object of gossip/pity - will others be looking over to you, waiting to see if there'll be fireworks? If that was the case, I'd avoid it like the plague.

If you think you, your DH and the OW are the only one who will know, then it comes down to how you think you can cope - will it just cause you pain, would it help you to see her and 'put it to bed' or will it throw you back to where you were 3 years ago?

Really, I think there's a lot to be said for discussing with your that he might want to start looking for a new job in the new year. Working along side her is just going to create lots of situations like this.

Whiteteeth Sun 09-Dec-12 19:53:24

I agree he should get another job, we have discussed that before. He doesn't actually work with her anymore as he works from home all the time now, but I think things would be better if he found something else.

cronullansw Sun 09-Dec-12 19:58:40

You should both go and hold your heads high.

Be proud that she didn't break you apart. You had him before, you have him now - you've won that game.

Whiteteeth Sun 09-Dec-12 20:00:35

I am pretty sure no one else knows, she made a huge fool of herself over him and is probably very embarrassed, I don't know how I would feel, I just know she would feel so uncomfortable and ashamed, as would he, but they are the ones who should feel that way. Unfortunately I sometimes feel that by my avoiding her, I feel like the one with the shameful secret. I want to get rid of that feeling, but I guess going to the party could make me feel worse.

HollyBerryBush Sun 09-Dec-12 22:05:54

she made a huge fool of herself over him and is probably very embarrassed

Well she didn't do it all by herself - and frankly - it ws your DH that played away and probably spun her a line or two. As much as you have your marriage on track - it was him that strayed, not her. Don't shift blame.

badinage Sun 09-Dec-12 23:36:14

I'm sure he won't be 'gazing across a crowded room at her' - what a spiteful thing to say to a poster who has asked for advice about a difficult situation!

More likely he will not wanted to be reminded of his very regrettable actions.

I'm going to suggest a compromise, because I think you need to face this as a team and if you've come to feel indifferent about her, it could do you the power of good if you faced her and managed to hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong and you've got nothing to be ashamed of. This might actually lay a few ghosts too.

So can you both go but not stay all evening - using the rest of the evening out just the two of you for a meal or something?

If there are still people you know there from when you worked at the company, you could ring one of them beforehand and say how much you're looking forward to catching up. That way you know you'll have someone to talk to apart from your husband. Stay for an hour or so, don't drink alcohol and then leave and have a stiff drink somewhere else. Good luck!

SundaeGirl Mon 10-Dec-12 00:16:59

I tend to think that there's more dignity in avoiding these sort of situations than putting a brave face on (it so rarely convincing). Seriously, save yourselves the hassle, you and DH stay home with a take away and then have a bath together. You win, she loses.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 00:28:01

I would never, ever put myself in the situation of marching into a room and "holding my head high"

Don't attend the party, and there is no question that your H doesn't either

Competition with the OW is demeaning, no matter how much water is under the bridge

It's just a stupid party...arrange another pleasant evening on your own terms and don't give it another thought

drizzlecake Mon 10-Dec-12 00:32:12

DH's company dos are a complet pia as far as I'm concerned. Are you sure they used to be fun?

* I just know she would feel so uncomfortable and ashamed, as would he* Hmmm, how do you know that she hasn't moved on and isn't having a passionate romance with the boss? or at least has put the affair far behind her and doesn't think of it now. If no one has informed you of her present shame and embarrassment then I would't make presumptions.

Just because it is still v painful for you doesn't mean it is for them.

Go if you are sure you are able to get through it without getting upset. I suspect that she will act as if it never happened so are you up to going along with that?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Mon 10-Dec-12 01:04:53

Stay away. You have nothing to prove. Yes the fact that you can't go and see people YOU like - because of others' fuckwittery - sucks. But going to prove a point, or as one upthread suggested, to rub her nose in the fact that you have kept your 'prize' is a load of shit you really don't need this Christmas.

Do something nice somewhere else smile

Whiteteeth Mon 10-Dec-12 02:01:26

I am sure she has moved on drizzlecake as have I. I just meant that my presence would be uncomfortable for her as it should be. But I wouldn't want it to be uncomfortable for me, as I did absolutely nothing wrong, but I fear it would and that is why I started this thread. It is just so unfair that I live with the repercussions. As for DH, I expect that he would feel most uncomfortable, but then he should have thought of that and I really have no sympathy or interest! Thank you all for your responses. I think I will stay away as I have for the past 3 years. It probably will be boring anyway, it's just when you are forced out that it becomes an issue.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Dec-12 08:53:25

I'm with the others - your dignity is far more important and you both must have far more exciting things to do than go to a boring work do.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 08:59:46

It is her workplace. Not yours. Much as it hurts, you have no business there.
I think you need to move on, not just from your job, but your colleagues too. Unless you see them out of work, they are not your friends. They are her co-workers. This Christmas party is like staying in the past, rather than moving on.

It seems that you both are emotionally tied to this place where he found an OW, it is not healthy.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 09:04:21

"It is just so unfair that I live with the repercussions."

That's the lot of the cheated wife, unfortunately. Carry on living with the cheater and you automatically end up living with the repercussions in the shape of constant reminders.. Split from the cheater and you face living with a different set of repercussions. No-win situation really.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 09:27:57

Remember, this is a life that your husband has thrown upon you, you cant blame anybody but him for this. And he is the one who promised to love and cherish you.

And he is not even willing to look for another job, to make your lot a little easier.

And I think this is very apparent every year around the Christmas party, as it hits you like a ton of bricks how he is refusing to let you and him move on past this.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune Mon 10-Dec-12 09:47:33

How big is the party?

20 people or 200?

In a large crowd there is no reason why you shouldn't both go.

DontmindifIdo Mon 10-Dec-12 11:36:52

There's a lot to be said for asking your DH to start looking for another job. You shouldn't be in this position next year. You no longer work there, if he no longer works there bit by bit it'll stop being a place you have to think about.

And yes, after 3 years, she's probably moved on.

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