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Have had enough

(41 Posts)
Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 17:33:21

I think this must be my 3rd or 4th post here over a year or so about feeling lonely in my marriage. I feel like I am at my wits end, things pick up for a while then always fall back to the same pattern.

Basically I am a work widow. When my dh is not working he is out with mates. I work shifts and get 2 weekends off a month. Normally he is working the weekends I am off but he took this one off. Stupidly I thought that would mean some family time but no he went out at lunchtime Friday came back at 1am, got up at 7am yesterday for a game of golf and few drinks with pals which seen him return at 5am this morning drunk out his mind. From taxi receipts on the table I see over 48hrs he has spent £90 on taxis alone not to mention what he has spent on his 2 day bender. He slept all of today and i refused to hang around waiting on him so ds and I went out to his activities then had to go to my mothers prearranged birthday meal without him. I was mortified.

Since I got home he has laid on the couch not offered any help with dinner, homework getting the ironing done for ds school stuff nothing. Am so pissed off at feeling like a unpaid skivvey.

It's like the final straw for me. I get nothing from him no love, emotional support nothing. I am going through a hard time right now which he knows and could use some support and help. I feel like the sight of him makes me furious right now. Don't even know what I am trying to say or ask I just need to vent. Have been lonely for so long I just can't see a way to change it. This weekend has shown me that he sees me as nothing more than a doormat and I have allowed it to happen as I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. The saddest thing is I notice ds has stopped even asking if daddy will be home or seems to notice when he is not anymore.

I hate living in a home that is lonelier when he is here if that makes sense.

Lueji Mon 10-Dec-12 07:44:28

There is no chance of that he is not a abusive person in the slightest.

If you look at it carefully I think you'll find that he is, actually.

dondon33 Mon 10-Dec-12 06:15:45

You've come so far in such a short space of time broody please don't call yourself a doormat - YOU'RE NOT!!

You sound like a lovely person who has simply wanted to take care of her family and have tried, like an adult, to discuss the problems with your H to have him ignore them. HE alone is to blame for his behaviour, lack of interest and his awful treatment of both you and ds.
NEVER feel guilty for what you're going to do - you tried, he didn't and now the best option for your and ds happiness is to be rid of the man-child that frequents your house when he deems fit.
It takes guts and strength to even reach that decision broody and now that you have you'll find reinforcement in those decisions and gain further strength every time he stays out all weekend, blows money and refuses his own son precious time together.

I know I shouldn't but I'm glad your intelligent DS said what he did to you - he may not know completely broody but he is aware enough to reach that conclusion all by himself - of course he feels like that, you're there for him like a parent should be while his 'dad' is merely little more than a name to him.

Your plan about the timing - after paying off some of the mortgage, sounds better for financial reasons but would you be able to continue that long without it grinding you down further?

Hope you had some sleep, take care of yourself x

Oh, and I think you sound like a nice person. With courage.

It's sad. He's a lesser man than you thought he was. One day you might find your soulmate (or near as damnit) but you never will while you're putting up with this sad

meditrina Sun 09-Dec-12 21:27:02

You listed above various financial and administrative barriers to just separating now.

I just wanted to say there need be no particular timetable to effecting the separation, and the things that strike me as likely to be most important now are:

a) being kind to yourself, and turning all your emotional energy onto yourself and your DC to allow yourself to gain strength and find out what you want to be there in your future
b) start seeing the barriers you've identified as simply that - temporary admin difficulties which you can overcome. You'll probably need a bit of planning time. Use it well.

GreenandwhitePenguin Sun 09-Dec-12 21:23:23

Just catching up with this thread.You have made a breakthrough tonight and you should be very proud of yourself. Don't give in, even if it gets tough for a while because it will be well worth it in the end. Hope that you manage to get a few hours sleep and are not kept awake worrying about your future.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 21:13:22

Thank you x

loflo Sun 09-Dec-12 21:10:07

Oh Broody it's so sad sad my friend suffered a number of m/c to have two amazing little ones. But last Christmas she threw him out - albeit for different reasons but she has worked her arse off to give her kids the security and attention they deserve. It's not been easy but they are happier than ever and such a tight wee unit. I wish that for you and yours.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 21:05:00

sad

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:53:20

He has just taken everything he has for complete granted. You would never think his son was born after years of ivf the little amount of time and effort he gives him now.

Don't feel a nice person right now. Don't think I have ever felt more tired low and scared.

Amazoniancracker Sun 09-Dec-12 20:36:15

maybe he does maybe he doesn't. That matters not a jot.

The fact is, no matter what he thinks he wants or what he is up to, he's welcome to it.

It's your life and your son's life that matter in the immediate scheme of things. Your little boy can do without knowing that the man who is meant to be his caring father is simply not interested.

He should be bloody ashamed of himself. Golf and taxis?? Both are many a mediocre man's downfall. Sad git.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:34:55

Yes, they are a bit caramelised, but I like them like that smile

OP, you sound like an utterly lovely person. You do deserve better than this.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:26:55

Anyfucker... Hope you rescued your onions!

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:25:55

There is no chance of that he is not a abusive person in the slightest. I will just be ignored now and he will ride out my mood until I have had enough of living like it and usually give in. Not this time have had enough.

I gave up so much for him, more children, a planned adoption, everything I ever wanted and it took me to some low places but watching him be so emotionally distant and cruel and seeing yet again that he does what he likes then just waits until I have had enough of not talking disgusts me. He has not even apologies about missing my mums birthday today am furious beyond belief.

I will take every piece of advice I have been given here to protect myself and ds financially all that matters now is him. I sometimes wonder if he wants out but is too scared to do it and is just pushing me to my limit.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:13:02

Sorry, had to run as the onions were burning.

I meant to also say if you continue to diminish yourself it will keep you in this awful situation. Look to him. He is the one that put you both here. All you have done is try to keep your family together...and him ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:07:33

Broody, don't beat yourself up about what has gone before

You can change it any time you like.

Amazoniancracker Sun 09-Dec-12 19:58:20

Once the scales have fallen from your eyes Broody, there is no going back. You sound a strong and grounded person. Put your son first above everything. He and you can have a lovely life. Your husband can be as much of a father as he cares to be and maybe he will even come to appreciate his son a little more.

Please photopy or gather and keep all those payslips, receipts etc.

if there is any risk that he may become physically abusive once he finds none of his washing/ironing or cooking done then do have a bag packed and ready and do not be afraid to call the police.

Strong vibes your way. <>

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 19:48:35

Thank you all so much you have given me strength tonight to think I'm not wrong and I do deserve more. He has literally done nothing ds asked him to play a game and he said no as he was poorly. It's the only thing the child has asked of him all weekend. I never even spoke to him have acted like he is not even here and he has not attempted to talk to me. I done everything for ds and will continue to do so as I want to and will no longer try to hide what a crap dad he is being. I was lay with ds after our story and he said to me I have a secret. I asked what it was and he said "I love you more than daddy" it broke my heart that his little head thinks that way but secretly made me smile. In time he will look back and remember for himself that mummy always made time unlike his father right now.

We co own the business so I have access to all the accounts he also works part time that money would be harder to prove but like everything else he leaves lying around there are payslips too. The business is cruelly doing very well in my mind I think give it a year as the aim alway was to pay off the mortgage next year then financially I would be in a better position to set up a nice home for ds and myself. I know he will refuse to move out and I can't with ds as have nowhere to go. He knows this which is why he thinks he can do what he likes when he likes with no regard to me. Even last weekend he watched me for hours cleaning ironing washing and he just sat there doing nothing. I said how can you sit and watch and not offer to help he said why should I you enjoy it so much you are finally a wife. He said it in a jokey way but am pretty sure he meant every word of it. Makes me laugh I am the idiot who stood on Friday night whilst he was out getting pissed and irOned his stuff for his golf and piss up the next morning as he did not have time. What a mug I have been

startlife Sun 09-Dec-12 19:30:59

You will do better on your own.Living with such a selfish man is draining.Consider an au pair or student who would be happy to stay over and do the school run.

If the issue is childcare you will find a solution.

"I won't be anyone's doormat."

I have actually just cheered out loud for you and startled the dog. Keep repeating that. Time to get angry, Broody.

And time to start subtly getting proof of his finances. If he's self-employed it may be hard to prove he earns enough to do things like spend £90 on taxis.

dondon33 Sun 09-Dec-12 19:02:32

Completely agree with anyfuckers last post.

He says he works so hard for us as if he didn't we would loose everything and with the economy as it is.....
Hmm! Actions speak much louder than words......at what point over the weekend did he actually think about his family? Blowing £90 on taxi's alone not to mention how much else, are not the actions of a responsible man providing for his family.
Look into finances and childcare costs broody you deserve so much more from life than this, so does your son. Even a slow approach, gathering info about leaving, about his income/assets etc could give you a more positive outlook on the situation - at least you will be actively taking your life back from this selfish bastard.
Well done about the strike, don't let it drive you mad though because his response will probably be to increase the mess/whinging for clean clothes in the hope that you'll cave in and just do it. Tell him to go pay someone to do it all, you're not his glorified cleaner,cook, launderer, child minder any more.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 18:38:23

Your life will be so much better when you get shot of this useless, lazy, horrible twat.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 18:32:20

He is at school I work maximum 3 week days and 2 weekends out of 4. When I am a early shift my husband takes him to school when I am a late shift he works from home in the afternoon and collects him. I stry work very early so breakfast club etc is no help and I have no family here who could help my parents live 1 hour away and are both in poor health.

I know I have been my own worst enemy I just went through a stage of not caring enough that I let it happen I have been so low and so tired with everything that has been going on that I just got on with things. I will look into the tax credit situation and what I would be entitled to on my own. I just need to figure out how I would cope with the work situation and ds. He I all that matters to me now. I won't be anyone's doormat.

Probably immature but I had a good eye opener today when I realised he takes his clothes off and drops them there. Leaves his plates where he eats and does nothing literally nothing around the house bar make a mess. Well he is in for a shock as far as his stuff is concerned in on strike. Have pilled it all in a corner of the spare room. No more washing cooking nothing. He is on his own like he has let me be for so long now

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 18:30:41

He is at school I work maximum 3 week days and 2 weekends out of 4. When I am a early shift my husband takes him to school when I am a late shift he works from home in the afternoon and collects him. I stry work very early so breakfast club etc is no help and I have no family here who could help my parents live 1 hour away and are both in poor health.

I know I have been my own worst enemy I just went through a stage of not caring enough that I let it happen I have been so low and so tired with everything that has been going on that I just got on with things. I will look into the tax credit situation and what I would be entitled to on my own. I just need to figure out how I would cope with the work situation and ds. He I all that matters to me now. I won't be anyone's doormat.

Probably immature but I had a good eye opener today when I realised he takes his clothes off and drops them there. Leaves his plates where he eats and does nothing literally nothing around the house bar make a mess. Well he is in for a shock as far as his stuff is concerned in on strike. Have pilled it all in a corner of the spare room. No more washing cooking nothing. He is on his own like he has let me be for so long now

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:18:12

who looks after your ds when your working shifts?

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