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Have had enough

(41 Posts)
Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 17:33:21

I think this must be my 3rd or 4th post here over a year or so about feeling lonely in my marriage. I feel like I am at my wits end, things pick up for a while then always fall back to the same pattern.

Basically I am a work widow. When my dh is not working he is out with mates. I work shifts and get 2 weekends off a month. Normally he is working the weekends I am off but he took this one off. Stupidly I thought that would mean some family time but no he went out at lunchtime Friday came back at 1am, got up at 7am yesterday for a game of golf and few drinks with pals which seen him return at 5am this morning drunk out his mind. From taxi receipts on the table I see over 48hrs he has spent £90 on taxis alone not to mention what he has spent on his 2 day bender. He slept all of today and i refused to hang around waiting on him so ds and I went out to his activities then had to go to my mothers prearranged birthday meal without him. I was mortified.

Since I got home he has laid on the couch not offered any help with dinner, homework getting the ironing done for ds school stuff nothing. Am so pissed off at feeling like a unpaid skivvey.

It's like the final straw for me. I get nothing from him no love, emotional support nothing. I am going through a hard time right now which he knows and could use some support and help. I feel like the sight of him makes me furious right now. Don't even know what I am trying to say or ask I just need to vent. Have been lonely for so long I just can't see a way to change it. This weekend has shown me that he sees me as nothing more than a doormat and I have allowed it to happen as I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. The saddest thing is I notice ds has stopped even asking if daddy will be home or seems to notice when he is not anymore.

I hate living in a home that is lonelier when he is here if that makes sense.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:07:33

Broody, don't beat yourself up about what has gone before

You can change it any time you like.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:13:02

Sorry, had to run as the onions were burning.

I meant to also say if you continue to diminish yourself it will keep you in this awful situation. Look to him. He is the one that put you both here. All you have done is try to keep your family together...and him ?

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:25:55

There is no chance of that he is not a abusive person in the slightest. I will just be ignored now and he will ride out my mood until I have had enough of living like it and usually give in. Not this time have had enough.

I gave up so much for him, more children, a planned adoption, everything I ever wanted and it took me to some low places but watching him be so emotionally distant and cruel and seeing yet again that he does what he likes then just waits until I have had enough of not talking disgusts me. He has not even apologies about missing my mums birthday today am furious beyond belief.

I will take every piece of advice I have been given here to protect myself and ds financially all that matters now is him. I sometimes wonder if he wants out but is too scared to do it and is just pushing me to my limit.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:26:55

Anyfucker... Hope you rescued your onions!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:34:55

Yes, they are a bit caramelised, but I like them like that smile

OP, you sound like an utterly lovely person. You do deserve better than this.

Amazoniancracker Sun 09-Dec-12 20:36:15

maybe he does maybe he doesn't. That matters not a jot.

The fact is, no matter what he thinks he wants or what he is up to, he's welcome to it.

It's your life and your son's life that matter in the immediate scheme of things. Your little boy can do without knowing that the man who is meant to be his caring father is simply not interested.

He should be bloody ashamed of himself. Golf and taxis?? Both are many a mediocre man's downfall. Sad git.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:53:20

He has just taken everything he has for complete granted. You would never think his son was born after years of ivf the little amount of time and effort he gives him now.

Don't feel a nice person right now. Don't think I have ever felt more tired low and scared.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 21:05:00

sad

loflo Sun 09-Dec-12 21:10:07

Oh Broody it's so sad sad my friend suffered a number of m/c to have two amazing little ones. But last Christmas she threw him out - albeit for different reasons but she has worked her arse off to give her kids the security and attention they deserve. It's not been easy but they are happier than ever and such a tight wee unit. I wish that for you and yours.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 21:13:22

Thank you x

GreenandwhitePenguin Sun 09-Dec-12 21:23:23

Just catching up with this thread.You have made a breakthrough tonight and you should be very proud of yourself. Don't give in, even if it gets tough for a while because it will be well worth it in the end. Hope that you manage to get a few hours sleep and are not kept awake worrying about your future.

meditrina Sun 09-Dec-12 21:27:02

You listed above various financial and administrative barriers to just separating now.

I just wanted to say there need be no particular timetable to effecting the separation, and the things that strike me as likely to be most important now are:

a) being kind to yourself, and turning all your emotional energy onto yourself and your DC to allow yourself to gain strength and find out what you want to be there in your future
b) start seeing the barriers you've identified as simply that - temporary admin difficulties which you can overcome. You'll probably need a bit of planning time. Use it well.

It's sad. He's a lesser man than you thought he was. One day you might find your soulmate (or near as damnit) but you never will while you're putting up with this sad

Oh, and I think you sound like a nice person. With courage.

dondon33 Mon 10-Dec-12 06:15:45

You've come so far in such a short space of time broody please don't call yourself a doormat - YOU'RE NOT!!

You sound like a lovely person who has simply wanted to take care of her family and have tried, like an adult, to discuss the problems with your H to have him ignore them. HE alone is to blame for his behaviour, lack of interest and his awful treatment of both you and ds.
NEVER feel guilty for what you're going to do - you tried, he didn't and now the best option for your and ds happiness is to be rid of the man-child that frequents your house when he deems fit.
It takes guts and strength to even reach that decision broody and now that you have you'll find reinforcement in those decisions and gain further strength every time he stays out all weekend, blows money and refuses his own son precious time together.

I know I shouldn't but I'm glad your intelligent DS said what he did to you - he may not know completely broody but he is aware enough to reach that conclusion all by himself - of course he feels like that, you're there for him like a parent should be while his 'dad' is merely little more than a name to him.

Your plan about the timing - after paying off some of the mortgage, sounds better for financial reasons but would you be able to continue that long without it grinding you down further?

Hope you had some sleep, take care of yourself x

Lueji Mon 10-Dec-12 07:44:28

There is no chance of that he is not a abusive person in the slightest.

If you look at it carefully I think you'll find that he is, actually.

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