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Have had enough

(41 Posts)
Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 17:33:21

I think this must be my 3rd or 4th post here over a year or so about feeling lonely in my marriage. I feel like I am at my wits end, things pick up for a while then always fall back to the same pattern.

Basically I am a work widow. When my dh is not working he is out with mates. I work shifts and get 2 weekends off a month. Normally he is working the weekends I am off but he took this one off. Stupidly I thought that would mean some family time but no he went out at lunchtime Friday came back at 1am, got up at 7am yesterday for a game of golf and few drinks with pals which seen him return at 5am this morning drunk out his mind. From taxi receipts on the table I see over 48hrs he has spent £90 on taxis alone not to mention what he has spent on his 2 day bender. He slept all of today and i refused to hang around waiting on him so ds and I went out to his activities then had to go to my mothers prearranged birthday meal without him. I was mortified.

Since I got home he has laid on the couch not offered any help with dinner, homework getting the ironing done for ds school stuff nothing. Am so pissed off at feeling like a unpaid skivvey.

It's like the final straw for me. I get nothing from him no love, emotional support nothing. I am going through a hard time right now which he knows and could use some support and help. I feel like the sight of him makes me furious right now. Don't even know what I am trying to say or ask I just need to vent. Have been lonely for so long I just can't see a way to change it. This weekend has shown me that he sees me as nothing more than a doormat and I have allowed it to happen as I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. The saddest thing is I notice ds has stopped even asking if daddy will be home or seems to notice when he is not anymore.

I hate living in a home that is lonelier when he is here if that makes sense.

Amazoniancracker Sun 09-Dec-12 17:40:48

He needs to leave. Tell him the marriage is over. It's not a marriage anyway is it.

You won't have to feel the frustration at being openly ignored and not supported once you are doing it on your own. He will have to curb the weekends with his mates once he has to have his son to stay with him at weekends.

be strong. You have to end this sapping and needless misery.

JustFabulous Sun 09-Dec-12 17:43:53

What strikes me is the fact that he has given his children no thought as he was pissing about with his mates as he knows you are there to look after them. No thought that you might want some time to yourself, need to go out or actually just want to all be together.

He will never change so can you live with this for ever or do you need telling you deserve more?

CailinDana Sun 09-Dec-12 17:44:21

Have you talked to him about it? What has he said? His behaviour is disgusting by the way, I'm just curious as to what justification he thinks he has for being that way.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 17:45:09

This isn't a marriage.

twofingerstoGideon Sun 09-Dec-12 17:45:56

You deserve much, much more than this man is giving you.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 09-Dec-12 17:47:04

Sounds like the weekend you just had is the straw that breaks the camel's back - and also an objective marker of why the marriage is over. He had a precious and rare weekend opportunity to spend time with his family, and he chose (without consultation) to spend it with friends. Think of it as 'constructive dismissal', but you are the one that dismisses him as a result. How will you do it? Separate bedrooms as a minimum I should think, and informing him that you are seeing a solicitor about a divorce.

dondon33 Sun 09-Dec-12 17:47:59

In your position, if you'd made previous attempts to sort it out with him, and it's not working/he's not attempting to make it better, then I would rather be alone.

From your post you sound utterly pissed off and rightly so. Sounds like he is treating the family home as a hotel, with you as his maid.
That's so sad about your little boy too.
Time to find the strength to do what you see fit and if that's kicking his arse out then so be it.

GreenandwhitePenguin Sun 09-Dec-12 17:49:19

Oh poor you Broody. I agree with Amazoniancracker. It is not a partnership and is a marriage in name only. Even if you don't tell him it's over right now at least start to make plans for living without him and give yourself a date to work towards. It will be really hard for you and ds but how can it be any worse than the situation you are in right now. He obviously has no respect for you and the work you do to provide a good and loving home for your ds. Sorry you are going through this.

AuntieFlaubert Sun 09-Dec-12 17:56:30

Broody
He sounds like the sort of man who was thoroughly spoiled at home and then swapped his mother/carer for a wife/carer.
Sad to say but I think you and your DC would be better off without him. You described yourself as a 'work widow' so an ex-wife by choice cannot be any worse.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 17:57:51

Yes we have talked it over more times than I care to remember. He says he works so hard for us as if he didn't we would loose everything and with the economy as it is..... Have heard it all. All I asked is that we striked a balance and made what time we did have together count. Due to starting his own business (and his pals mostly growing up!) he does not go out as much but when he does he has to be the last one home out till the bitter end. I'm sick of it. He is 36 years old and out in I presume nightclubs till 5am when he has a 5 year old child at home. Please don't get me wrong I don't mind him going out but he has taken the piss this weekend. That's 32hrs since Friday he has pissed against a wall whilst he not only let me down but his 5 year old son too.

I don't know how I would leave him. It works as I work shifts I don't know how I would get ds to school on the days I work and financially I went part time when I had him and the option for full time has not been there since he started school. Financially I earn a full time salary for my 28hrs so it would he hard to find the money to support ds alone. I just don't know what to do. You are right he is never ever going to change. I blame myself that I got so down that it was easier just to shut up about things and now it's in a state where he thinks how he has behaved this weekend is acceptable.

I will add he done this knowing we are worried sick about my dad who has been diagnosed with dementia. This may be the last birthday of my mums where he is actively with us (in mind) and we wanted to make it a special day. Well he managed to ruin that as as much as I tried to paste a smile on my mum knew I was upset. I feel like I just want to disappear

CailinDana Sun 09-Dec-12 18:11:16

The fact that he's tried to justify his behaviour says it all I'm afraid. He thinks there's no problem, so he's not going to change.

dequoisagitil Sun 09-Dec-12 18:14:44

You'd probably have more free cash on your own wage, tax credits & his child support contributions if you were managing your own household without him pissing money up the wall on boozy nights, golf & taxis. His outgoings are enormous, while on your own you could budget and know exactly where your money was going.

I think it's worth looking into.

He's spoiling your life and not bringing you the support & care you should expect from a partner.

AuntieFlaubert Sun 09-Dec-12 18:16:03

Financially I earn a full time salary for my 28hrs so it would he hard to find the money to support ds alone.
If you separate he will still be required to support your DS, either voluntarily or through the CSA.

JustFabulous Sun 09-Dec-12 18:16:24

You wouldn't have to support your DS alone as your H would have to support him, and you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:18:01

You are minimising your situation, I think (understandably...we all have to find a way to live comfortably)

But you are not a "work widow" at all. You are being treated like shit whether he is at work or not. This is not a scenario of a workaholic neglecting his family...because that can be worked through and compromises achieved.

The situation you have is that when he is not working he is not prioritising his family...and is in fact being an utterly selfish shite. There is no "compromise" there unless he realises he will lose his family if he carries on the way he is.

The only motivation he has to change is loss because while you continue to fume silently and put on a brave face for others, you are facilitating his disrespect of you. From his POV...why would he stop doing what hurts you if he hasn't already if you put up and shut up?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:18:12

who looks after your ds when your working shifts?

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 18:30:41

He is at school I work maximum 3 week days and 2 weekends out of 4. When I am a early shift my husband takes him to school when I am a late shift he works from home in the afternoon and collects him. I stry work very early so breakfast club etc is no help and I have no family here who could help my parents live 1 hour away and are both in poor health.

I know I have been my own worst enemy I just went through a stage of not caring enough that I let it happen I have been so low and so tired with everything that has been going on that I just got on with things. I will look into the tax credit situation and what I would be entitled to on my own. I just need to figure out how I would cope with the work situation and ds. He I all that matters to me now. I won't be anyone's doormat.

Probably immature but I had a good eye opener today when I realised he takes his clothes off and drops them there. Leaves his plates where he eats and does nothing literally nothing around the house bar make a mess. Well he is in for a shock as far as his stuff is concerned in on strike. Have pilled it all in a corner of the spare room. No more washing cooking nothing. He is on his own like he has let me be for so long now

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 18:32:20

He is at school I work maximum 3 week days and 2 weekends out of 4. When I am a early shift my husband takes him to school when I am a late shift he works from home in the afternoon and collects him. I stry work very early so breakfast club etc is no help and I have no family here who could help my parents live 1 hour away and are both in poor health.

I know I have been my own worst enemy I just went through a stage of not caring enough that I let it happen I have been so low and so tired with everything that has been going on that I just got on with things. I will look into the tax credit situation and what I would be entitled to on my own. I just need to figure out how I would cope with the work situation and ds. He I all that matters to me now. I won't be anyone's doormat.

Probably immature but I had a good eye opener today when I realised he takes his clothes off and drops them there. Leaves his plates where he eats and does nothing literally nothing around the house bar make a mess. Well he is in for a shock as far as his stuff is concerned in on strike. Have pilled it all in a corner of the spare room. No more washing cooking nothing. He is on his own like he has let me be for so long now

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 18:38:23

Your life will be so much better when you get shot of this useless, lazy, horrible twat.

dondon33 Sun 09-Dec-12 19:02:32

Completely agree with anyfuckers last post.

He says he works so hard for us as if he didn't we would loose everything and with the economy as it is.....
Hmm! Actions speak much louder than words......at what point over the weekend did he actually think about his family? Blowing £90 on taxi's alone not to mention how much else, are not the actions of a responsible man providing for his family.
Look into finances and childcare costs broody you deserve so much more from life than this, so does your son. Even a slow approach, gathering info about leaving, about his income/assets etc could give you a more positive outlook on the situation - at least you will be actively taking your life back from this selfish bastard.
Well done about the strike, don't let it drive you mad though because his response will probably be to increase the mess/whinging for clean clothes in the hope that you'll cave in and just do it. Tell him to go pay someone to do it all, you're not his glorified cleaner,cook, launderer, child minder any more.

"I won't be anyone's doormat."

I have actually just cheered out loud for you and startled the dog. Keep repeating that. Time to get angry, Broody.

And time to start subtly getting proof of his finances. If he's self-employed it may be hard to prove he earns enough to do things like spend £90 on taxis.

startlife Sun 09-Dec-12 19:30:59

You will do better on your own.Living with such a selfish man is draining.Consider an au pair or student who would be happy to stay over and do the school run.

If the issue is childcare you will find a solution.

Broodymomma Sun 09-Dec-12 19:48:35

Thank you all so much you have given me strength tonight to think I'm not wrong and I do deserve more. He has literally done nothing ds asked him to play a game and he said no as he was poorly. It's the only thing the child has asked of him all weekend. I never even spoke to him have acted like he is not even here and he has not attempted to talk to me. I done everything for ds and will continue to do so as I want to and will no longer try to hide what a crap dad he is being. I was lay with ds after our story and he said to me I have a secret. I asked what it was and he said "I love you more than daddy" it broke my heart that his little head thinks that way but secretly made me smile. In time he will look back and remember for himself that mummy always made time unlike his father right now.

We co own the business so I have access to all the accounts he also works part time that money would be harder to prove but like everything else he leaves lying around there are payslips too. The business is cruelly doing very well in my mind I think give it a year as the aim alway was to pay off the mortgage next year then financially I would be in a better position to set up a nice home for ds and myself. I know he will refuse to move out and I can't with ds as have nowhere to go. He knows this which is why he thinks he can do what he likes when he likes with no regard to me. Even last weekend he watched me for hours cleaning ironing washing and he just sat there doing nothing. I said how can you sit and watch and not offer to help he said why should I you enjoy it so much you are finally a wife. He said it in a jokey way but am pretty sure he meant every word of it. Makes me laugh I am the idiot who stood on Friday night whilst he was out getting pissed and irOned his stuff for his golf and piss up the next morning as he did not have time. What a mug I have been

Amazoniancracker Sun 09-Dec-12 19:58:20

Once the scales have fallen from your eyes Broody, there is no going back. You sound a strong and grounded person. Put your son first above everything. He and you can have a lovely life. Your husband can be as much of a father as he cares to be and maybe he will even come to appreciate his son a little more.

Please photopy or gather and keep all those payslips, receipts etc.

if there is any risk that he may become physically abusive once he finds none of his washing/ironing or cooking done then do have a bag packed and ready and do not be afraid to call the police.

Strong vibes your way. <>

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