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another suspicious text messages thread

(99 Posts)
unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:47:55

Hello - looking for advice here - have seen so many similar MN threads on this topic and now find myself in this position. I know I am going to get advice on here that I need to confront DH but I am not sure I am in the place to do that yet.

Friday night DH had works xmas do - gets in about 1.30am and into bed and falls asleep. All totally expected by me and no problem at all.

Saturday evening I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea. DH's phone is charging up there and it beeps an incoming text message. Phone is right next to me and I look at it, and, being an iphone, the text message is displayed on the screen. text message reads

"please tell me, I'm going mental here".

His phone has been in the charger in the kitchen since about midday and, being an iphone, it displays all the text messages that haven't been opened yet. The message before the one above reads

"oh my god did we um last night?" (left at 4.30 in the afternoon)

This is from a number (so not a name DH has stored in his phone). I now open his iphone (i know the code and he knows mine). I took a photo of the screen (advice gleaned from previous MN threads!) and missed the first one and have now forgotten it but rest of the convo goes:

DH "No waited and waited only left about 45 mins ago"
Mystery Person "Argh how did i stuff that sad "
DH "Dunno literally got a taxi about 1.30 obviously really looked for you :0( "

And then the other nexts Mystery Person sent that afternoon.

I dont say anything and act normal - go to bed mulling it over. DH still hasn't picked phone up from kitchen. Get up at 9am this morning as DH's turn to get up with DC. I take DC out on playdate, get back about 12.30. Check DH's phone and he has replied along lines of "No, sorry for late reply I left my phone at home" (i didn't have time to make a proper note). Not sure what his reply means as he was at home all day.

I went out this afternoon and call the number from a phone box - woman answers and i hang up.

I have never ever had any reasons to suspect or mistrust DH. I know i read his messages, but i couldn't miss the first ones i saw that flashed up on the phone. I know i should tell him what i have seen and get his explanation but not sure i can face it right now. There must be an innocent explanation for thos texts - is there? Even if DH hasn't done anything physical is there some kind of wierd relationship going on between him and this texting woman?

Hi unsure. I havent any wise advice but just wanted to let you know I think I am probably in the same country as you so any help you might need please let me know.

ivykaty44 Mon 10-Dec-12 09:06:31

The fact he is now lying about the texts makes it worse. I guess he siad the first stupid excuse that came into his head - some random texts - not knowing of course that you know he has been having a text conversation with these random text.

At this point he could have been honest which would be much easier - but now I am afraid it is a trust issue and you need to decide whether you can live with not knowing whether he is being truthful or not in your day to day life. Added to which you need to decide whether to let him know you'r not as stupid to believe the random text thing.

I would call his bluff - ok I have the number here lets telephone it and see if the person on the other end knows you or not? As I don't believe the random number story...

Then watch him shit himself.

sad

Tobermory Mon 10-Dec-12 09:08:22

Unsure, this is not looking good.

So sorry sad

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 10-Dec-12 09:10:45

Has he taken his phone with him?

You don't tend to need your phone when you've got a migraine. Especially if you usually leave it out.

You've got nothing to lose now. Go and find him, tell him that you know he knows her. Don't explain. Tell him that you know more than he thinks, and that it's time he started talking.

Then see what he says. Hopefully you know enough to see if it's outright lies he comes out with, or not.

You've already hit that point of no return. You may as well find out what you are dealing with. If he's honest, you can try and talk through it, at least for your own piece of mind. If he lies, than you'll know that he's hiding more. There would be no point in continuing to lie if you already know everything.

And if you don't find anything out from him, call the number. Preferably from his phone. Or get him to call it, on speakerphone. Her response will be very telling.

TalkativeJim Mon 10-Dec-12 09:23:11

Hang on, where are you? It sounds as if you are a Brit in Australia - 12,000 miles away from home? If so, please be aware that depending on your status you may not be able to take the children out of the country if he doesn't agree.

I know that's thinking a long way ahead and hope it doesn't apply to you anyway, but just for you to factor it in and think what your approach might be before you even put him on the alert that you might leave over this.

I'm so sorry by the way.

LoopsInHoops Mon 10-Dec-12 09:32:29

Well, he has lied, so I think it's time to gather as much info as you possibly can.

MadSleighLady Mon 10-Dec-12 09:54:36

I'm only going off other similar threads myself, OP, so might not have a clue, but if I had to bet money I'd say not much has happened yet. That "bright and breezy" lunch text she sent today (or yesterday by now for you), that sounds to me like she's using any excuse to contact him, and this is all at an early stage. A scant day after that breathless allusive conversation about taxis and "um", and suddenly she's all "oh hiiiiya, been meaning to answer your email from last week but I've been sooooo busy!" I was subtler than that at 15.

It's not encouraging that he is lying though. He's clearly a bit cross and embarrassed, but whether it's because he massively regrets whatever happened/nearly happened or because he was quite enjoying a little will-we-won't-we fantasy it's hard to say without more info. And he's not being remotely helpful there. sad So at this point, I would snoop.

fiventhree Mon 10-Dec-12 10:09:18

Op, that is exactly what my h said and did for years to me:

"Think he is being short with me now and trying to make me feel like a suspicious shrew of a snooping wife. I asked what he would think if he saw texts like that on my phone and just said "I wouldn't look".

He is controlling you by making very clear his disapproval with you for what you did wrong.

That means he is a cheat, then a liar, and now someone who blames you for finding out.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 10:58:07

For "gone to bed with a migraine," I would read "gone to get away from you so he can get his story straight in his head."

Gay40 Mon 10-Dec-12 12:46:12

If you have got to the point of checking text messages, your relationship is in trouble already, regardless of what might be going on.
As for classic behaviours, all these must be taken in context of the person you know. I display all the classic signs put forward in this thread with the main difference being a) I'm not cheating and b) DP could look at my phone at any time, have it for the day etc.

Kahlua4me Mon 10-Dec-12 13:33:12

I feel so sad that this has happened to you, nobody deserves to go through such anguish.
Now that you are here though you need to go right through with it and get the truth.
Don't let him shift the blame by saying you should not have looked at his phone. If he has nothing to hide why would it bother him and surely he would be telling you about these bizarre texts.
Let him know that you know he is lying about not knowing the person, and also that you need the truth.
I would be tempted to send a text from his phone suggesting meeting up and asking what they fancy doing, just to see what the response is, but maybe that isn't a good way to deal with it. You need to get the truth from him really.

Wishing you strength.

forgetmenots Mon 10-Dec-12 14:16:00

Does he have his phone with him? I suffer from migraines. Can barely look at my phone when I have one.

I agree with all those saying that checking messages shows a problem but you didn't go snooping. And he is lying.

If it were me I would ask him straight 'why are you lying'

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 14:35:16

Gay If she'd been activuely scrolling through his messages for anything dodgy, then perhaps. But she wasn't snooping. The phone was out on the side next to her, charging, and she could see the message on the screen as it came through. She glanced at it in passing and saw something odd.
Entirely different.

Battlefront Mon 10-Dec-12 14:44:32

Well, I was going to say the lunch thing proves nothing much is going on. IME if you're having a passionate affair, you don't receive a text on Friday suggesting lunch and forget to answer it until the following week.

Also the time he came home earlier than you expected - even if he wasn't with her, finding himself free unexpectedly, when you weren't expecting him home would have been a perfect opportunity and he didn't take it.

Unfortunately though you do know he's lied, maybe more because he thinks it looks bad rather than is bad itswim? Maybe they have been/are on the brink of something which is why he doesn't want to explain himself?

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 17:44:17

He is lying.

This is how it looks to me:

'Did we 'um'?' This means that they haven't already. That at least is good.
Sounds like they have both majorly flirted at the Xmas do, with perhaps a bit more.
She has followed it up with the texts, indicating that she is interested.
He then takes the bait, and suggests lunch next week.
She delays a response, trying not to look too needy (or because she has been busy over the weekend with her own family), then sends text on Monday about manic day.

So he is on the cusp of starting an affair. You ask him about it, and his reaction is firstly to lie by claiming no knowledge of the person, then to blame you for looking.

Only he knows if this is the first time he has had an affair, or if he has done it before.

I'd be dragging the truth out of him, and not giving him the opportunity to get his story straight, delete further evidence, and warn this woman. Sorry you are going through this.

Bloody Xmas parties - I was at mine on Friday several married colleagues were snogging. Mot a great way to cement respect at work.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 18:03:31

Very sorry, the uncertainty and suspicion is relentless when you start to wonder.

Talking of pictures I know you were referring to screenshots but is there any way of seeing photos from the Christmas do, someone usually posts them on social networking sites?

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 18:20:11

Yes, and look at the people in the background of the pics.

MadSleighLady Mon 10-Dec-12 18:22:17

He then takes the bait, and suggests lunch next week.

OP said this happened "last Friday" at 1pm. So before the Xmas party. It is the woman who has followed it up today, a bit randomly after the "um" conversation, which is why I think she's being a bit desperate. Otherwise agree with your summary though.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 18:35:55

How are you feeling this morning unsure?

lunar1 Mon 10-Dec-12 18:42:05

Sorry this is happening unsure, hope you got some sleep last might

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 18:51:05

Hello. Morning here now.

Yes - DH sent the lunch one on Friday. She sent the one about meaning to email him yesterday evening. The strange weekend texts in between had vanished.

I find it really hard to believe anything has happened (yet) and DH is now punishing me for not trusting him and is going to play the injured party.

I am in New Zealand by the way - DH and I both have dual citizenship. There is no way I would take the DC back to the UK without him as it wouldn't be fair on them or him.

I think I am just going to have to monitor this - I know all his computer/facebook passwords etc but I really don't want to snoop so am not going to go that far. As i said, it will be telling now if he suddenly starts keeping his phone close to him.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 19:33:53

He can play the injured party all he wants, if he hadn't been so obtuse this all could have been straightened out already. Let's suppose it is all quite innocent, what is easier, discussing some business contact flirting with him or huffing off to bed with a migraine? Btw if you do contemplate sex with him better be safe and take precautions, that should refocus his mind.

SugaricePlumFairy Mon 10-Dec-12 19:43:13

How is he punishing you, is he giving you the silent treatment?

mrsEbruce Mon 10-Dec-12 19:55:49

Unsure, only you can decide what you should do, what you thinks went on in this situation at the end of the day only you know your husband and your marraige on this site. Though great to vent and ask advice if find the comments degrading this couples marraige, her husband inapproprieate this is a family so people reading between the lines and presuming things isnt the best way to go.

I hope all works out for you

AgathaHoHoHo Mon 10-Dec-12 19:57:26

I've just read this thread and wanted to say I really hope it is innocent, although it doesn't look great at the moment for you.

Does he generally do the punishing thing when you have done something he doesn't agree with?

I think I would be tempted to just say that you need to clear something up, that you know he replied to the texts, and you are now wondering why he lied and what it means. You saw the first text innocently, it's hardly surprising you looked for the others in the circumstances. He has lied - that is a fact that you are aware of. He can't take the moral high ground on you looking at his phone from his position of lying.

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