Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What would you do?? I could do with a bit if advice

(68 Posts)
Ahhhcrap Sat 08-Dec-12 23:38:49

Ive name changed for this but could really do with some MN words of wisdom..

2 years ago my dh of 6 months had an affair, I found out by chance. It had been going on for about 4months and appeared to be an emotional affair. We talked lots and he swore to me there was nothing physical in it. We've always had difficulty communicating but we muddled through. His reaction on me finding out was the reason I stayed. He was very full of remorse and did everything I asked such as stopping contact etc.

Anyway fast forward 2 years and I'm just starting to feel secure again. We have a mutual friend who weve known for ages, he knew about the affair as I confided in him at the time. He does try to stay neutral and he did help me out perspective on it. My dh doesn't know I told him.

But he's out tonight with my dh and they've both had a bit to drink, our friend has just rang me in a bit of a state and I've just shoe horned it out of him what was wrong. It turns out my dh DID have sex with the woman, although he swore to me he didn't. I did say at the time that if I found out he'd lied to me that would be the end.

I feel in shock ATM, I don't know if I should let sleeping dogs lie or confront him, (I won't tonight as he'll be drunk) it feels that if I make an issue out of it then I'm raking up old ground, but also it's opened up old wounds and I don't know if I can deal with this again.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to talk...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 20:16:49

he simply does not want anyone else to find out what an inadequate person he is

it's ok for you to know that though, obviously, as you don't really matter

YOU DO !

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Dec-12 20:19:19

You are stronger now than at any other time. There is no doubt he's cheated on you. If you let him stay now it will be even harder to get rid of him. Pack his bag and tell him to get out. He is so clearly in the wrong now that even he can't pretend he isn't.

Wecanfixit Sun 09-Dec-12 20:33:12

I do sympathise with your , and what a horrible way to find out, BUT, you have had a shock and need time for you to take stock and sort out how you really feel about this before confrontation, a knee jerk reaction just now will not help you in the longterm, so please be very kind to yourself, ask yourself if you love him and can you go on from here , affairs happen I know it is awful, but again please think what you want to come out of this , it is you that matters here , take care and hope it all works out .

MiniTheMinx Sun 09-Dec-12 21:21:02

He's making you feel bad! Is there a link between being a liar and a master at manipulation???? I wouldn't believe for one minute it was just twice......he is saying that to try and minimise it. If you said "I know it was ten times" he'd eventually admit say "yes only ten times" knowing all along it was 20.

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 22:18:53

He upstairs in bed now, booked into a hotel for the next couple of nights.

I was feeling sorry for him until he told me he was sleeping in our dd's room, which smacks of emotional blackmail to me (we have a spare room).

I truly don't know what to feel right now, but I'm going to heed your advice, look after me and DD and not make any decisions until I'm comfortable to do so.

Thanks again

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 22:34:10

Why is he sleeping in DD's room?

Stop feeling guilty for upsetting him - he's been lying and cheating HE has done this.

Of course he doesn't want to tell family or friends - who would. Tough shit. Ring his parents tomorrow and tell them exactly what a feckless wanker disappointment their son is.

GET MAD - you bloody well should be.

Unless you want a life of being cheated on and lied to - do not let him come back from the hotel he's booked into. I promise you, he will not change and you will have a lifetime of misery with him sad

You and your DD deserve more than that life and you can have it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 22:39:17

Who is in the hotel ? Him ?

Keep him out of your daughter's room. Fucking arse, to try and throw his dd out of her bed. I would hate him for that.

If he comes back home, he goes in the spare room. No half-decent person, however pissed off at having his card marked, would insist on more than that. To do so implies attempts at abuse and manipulation.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 22:49:21

It's amazing what you 'assume' isn't it - I assumed there were two beds in there!

AhhCrap - where is DD?

I'd take her to bed with me if I were you smile

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 22:51:02

I think he's asleep in the DD's room now, but is booked in the hotel for a couple of nights from tomorrow night - well, that's what I got out of Ahh's posts anyway.

He would NOT be coming back into the marital home if it were me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 22:52:40

Yes, I reread and see that is the case

He is asleep in his daughters bed

I would read that as pissing all over your territory, OP, and an aggressive act you should take very good note of

quietlysuggests Sun 09-Dec-12 23:03:11

You wont grow old with this man.
You will either split up now, and your daughter will have a pretty intact mother in her life,
or you will split up in 10-20 years time after your shit head husband has had multiple affairs,
when your daughter has a sad shell of a broken woman for a mother.
Sorry.

TalkativeJim Mon 10-Dec-12 01:41:53

Good luck OP.

Get him out, get space from him.

Start telling people what has happened.

Expect him to pull out all the stops to get you to put up and shut up, including your DD's welfare. Just remember - the absolute best thing you can do for your DD in this situation is to not let her grow up with a mum who despises her cheat of a dad, in a home where there's no real trust, no real security, and no real love, because it died a long time ago.

KeatsiePie Mon 10-Dec-12 06:01:31

I'm so sorry.

It IS a big deal. I started to write a whole long thing on how I think you should deal with this in the long term, but I just can't say. It is your marriage. But again, this is a big deal, doesn't matter how long ago it was!

But wrt. the short term: I think it's also a big deal that he wasn't willing to leave, that he took your daughter's bed. Imagine if you were in his place (that you were the one who'd been unfaithful and then dishonest about it). Imagine you were genuinely terribly sorry that you had cheated, genuinely terribly sorry you had lied, feeling as awful as you would feel. And you were willing to do anything you could. If he said "I need you to leave," would you go upstairs and take your daughter's bed? I bet you wouldn't. I bet if he said "I need you to leave" you would say "Of course, I'm so sorry, I'm sorrier than I can ever say, I'll leave right now."

The most important thing to him right now should be your feelings. Next to that he shouldn't care where he sleeps. I don't like what it suggests about his priorities that he has opposed your wish for him to leave, that he isn't putting your feelings first in this regard.

Lueji Mon 10-Dec-12 07:35:07

I think his reaction tells you all you need to know about him.

He is a liar and a manipulator, yes.
And doesn't even respect you enough to keep shut about it with the lads.

If you stay with him, I wouldn't be surprised that he'll do it again and again.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 07:49:39

He doesn't want to tell his family?

But he's happy to boast about it to his mates?

hmm

His affair isn't even a secret, he just wants you to collude in managing his reputation.

Don't.

Tell whomever you choose.

Given how many people know, they'll probably find out eventually anyway. Just like you have.

Oh, and don't be impressed that a man is crying.

They all start snottering when they get caught.

His tears are for himself.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 07:51:39

So he disrespected and humiliated you two years ago by having an affair and lying through his teeth about it, tried to do it again a couple of months later as well as who knows how many other times and now he's disrespecting and humiliating you all over again now by boasting about it in the pub to his mates.
And then tries to make out you're over-reacting and you should foret about it as "it was ages ago." You dealt with "ages ago" by going on the facts as you believed them to be at the time from the lying bastard and made a heroic attempt to re-build your relationship. He watched you do that, knowing he'd been lying. You've now been thrown right back to those initial feelings of hurt and betrayal. DON'T let him minimise them.
He's looking after number one here, and I don't see how he can profess to love you if he's prepared to brag to his mates about what he's done to your love for him.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 08:13:34

And two years isn't ages ago.

There are women on here two years on from affairs by genuinely repentant husbands who are still struggling to get past it.

You, of course, haven't had the chance to get past it, because he was neither repentant nor honest.

He has a real fucking cheek maintaining that his lies and betrayal if you (that he still likes to boast about) are so far in the past that you are not allowed be upset about them.

Because he doesn't give a shit about your upset, about what he has done to you.

His only concern is his own upset and inconvenience at the consequences if being caught.

At least you found out what a bad husband he is while you are still young.

rumbelina Mon 10-Dec-12 09:33:38

I'm so sorry this is happening to you :-(

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now