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What would you do?? I could do with a bit if advice

(68 Posts)
Ahhhcrap Sat 08-Dec-12 23:38:49

Ive name changed for this but could really do with some MN words of wisdom..

2 years ago my dh of 6 months had an affair, I found out by chance. It had been going on for about 4months and appeared to be an emotional affair. We talked lots and he swore to me there was nothing physical in it. We've always had difficulty communicating but we muddled through. His reaction on me finding out was the reason I stayed. He was very full of remorse and did everything I asked such as stopping contact etc.

Anyway fast forward 2 years and I'm just starting to feel secure again. We have a mutual friend who weve known for ages, he knew about the affair as I confided in him at the time. He does try to stay neutral and he did help me out perspective on it. My dh doesn't know I told him.

But he's out tonight with my dh and they've both had a bit to drink, our friend has just rang me in a bit of a state and I've just shoe horned it out of him what was wrong. It turns out my dh DID have sex with the woman, although he swore to me he didn't. I did say at the time that if I found out he'd lied to me that would be the end.

I feel in shock ATM, I don't know if I should let sleeping dogs lie or confront him, (I won't tonight as he'll be drunk) it feels that if I make an issue out of it then I'm raking up old ground, but also it's opened up old wounds and I don't know if I can deal with this again.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to talk...

howdoo Sun 09-Dec-12 01:09:50

Oh lovey, what a horrible thing to discover.

A few months ago, I posted on here because I found out that my DH of 10 years, before we got married, had shagged another woman, rather than the snogging/fumbling he had previously admitted to. I found out because we were a bit pissed and I asked him. I was surprised, but relieved, when posters here said it was a long time ago, before we were married, and as long as nothing else had happened, I should let it go.

Anyway, when I first read the OP, I thought maybe it was similar. But there are quite a few differences.

First of all, it had been going on for months, and only finished (presumably) when you found out about it.

And you had to find out about it, he didn't come to you and admit it.

And he then lied about it (although this is fairly standard, from what I can gather)

The killer for me, is that ONE month later, he is emailing another woman and then lying through his teeth about it. So I don't really understand why you say "I trust him to go out with his mates and I don't think he'd do it again..."

One month after you find out about his four month affair, he should be doing everything he can to make you know how committed he is to you and your marriage and make you feel better about his shameful behaviour.

But he is emailing another woman. And lying about it til he's blue in the face.

I'm so sorry, I just don't know how you could ever trust this person again.

Lueji Sun 09-Dec-12 01:35:23

You are less than 3 years into your marriage, and your H has already lied twice (that you know) about other women, one of whom you have just found out he actually had sex with.

It's possible that he has been faithful because he was found out twice earlier, but it's also possible that he has learnt to hide it better.

Are you able to trust him? Deep down? Because that should answer your question about leaving him or not.

HollyBerryBush Sun 09-Dec-12 07:29:40

I don't trust your friend in this at all.

He will have a motive for telling you this.

A best he is a chronic gossip, at worst he's being malicious.

I don't care for the why and wherefor etc of your friend telling you what would piss me off is the lies your DH has told you, that lie that the past however long (since the affair) has been built on.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 08:09:22

"so he will cry, beat his chest, apologise, swear he was just terrified he'd lose you, blah"

Yeah, he'll probably have one of those cheater's "breakdowns" to turn all the attention to how awful he supposedly feels about being caught treating you like shit.

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 09:34:36

Thanks for the replies.. I'm feeling a bit more stable this morning.

I have a houseful today so haven't mentioned it and I want to have a proper conversation with my friend so I don't go off half cocked.

I still don't know what I want out if this but I have this horrid, cold gut feeling I can't get rid of, and I've questioned everything that's gone on the last 2 years.

I also dont want to rip my dd's life apart, it's really so unfair on her, I feel guilty just thinking about splitting the family up sad

fruitstick Sun 09-Dec-12 09:36:52

He's the one splitting the family up, not you.

You can't stay together if you don't believe him.

First of all, it would not be you splitting up the family. It would be your cheating, lying DH. It's really important to get the blame right here.

Second, for me personally, the thing I would find really unforgiveable in all this is that by not being honest about shagging others, he's not just lying but actually risking your health. I assume you didn't get STD checked, because it was just an emotional affair? That is so, so wrong on his part.

I'm sure he will deny it, if you confront him. He will say he was just exaggerating to his friends. Be prepared for him to say this. It's still a big deal, even if true, because then it shows he has so little respect for you, he's willing to let other people think you've been cheated on without knowing it.

I don't think you should have to go through more and more years of torturing yourself, just because he's a twat.

CarpeJugulum France Sun 09-Dec-12 09:57:11

I know you don't want to rip your family apart for your daughter's sake; but... imagine that she was in your situation. You would not hesitate to hug her, and tell her to get the hell out of being with a man who did not respect her. You would want more for her than that.

I've never been in your situation, but you need to separate out your relationship with him and his relationship wih her. If he wants to, there is no reason for him not to be a good father.

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 10:36:56

I'm off to Tesco now and all I can think about is where to insert the cucumbers!!! confused I'm really fucking mad right now I can barely look at him

MiniTheMinx Sun 09-Dec-12 13:51:11

Thinking about you today, what a terrible day you must be having.

So he lied a second time just after the "emotional affair" It seems he is actually incapable of telling the truth. This jack the lad wants his cake and eat it. Family and the life of a single man.

Maybe now is not a good time to spilt the family up. I disagree with the other posts saying it doesn't matter that it is Christmas. If I could hold it to together over Christmas and keep my head, I would put his bags on the door step on new years day. Let your little girl have the Christmas she deserves. Some things are more important than the feelings of adults, in the short term.

In the long term, you need to be happy to be a good mum, not demoralised and demeaned. She won't thank you if you allow her father to become even more of a lying pig whilst your self esteem slips away. No child deserves to see the very worst side of their parents played out throughout their entire childhood.

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 16:50:08

I've had chance to catch up with my friend and it seems he's lied more. He told him that, yes they had sex, but it was going on for longer than I thought which means it might have been happening when we got married .

I've spent all day mulling it on the pretense if Xmas shopping..

Came home and had it out with him.. His first reaction was to deny it, get angry, the classic signs. He finally admitted he'd had sex with her twice and has now left. He hasn't taken a bag and been on the phone already. He does however seem more concerned with who told me than me.

clam Sun 09-Dec-12 17:06:00

Oh dear! sad
Have you got anyone who can come round and keeep you company through this?

clam Sun 09-Dec-12 17:08:40

The thing is, you worked very hard and re-built your marriage like a house on foundations that were not secure. And to top it all off, you're now discovering that the actual bricks are faulty too.
Do you still want to live in it?

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 17:12:22

The classic attention to the "who told you". He really is a lying swine, so sorry

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 17:43:33

This is really awful but contrary to the poster above who says historical indiscretions are not too big a deal I actually really disagree. I think nobody expects their partner be perfect, fidelity is a reasonable expectation in an agreed monogamous relationship but sometimes some people mess up, this can be a deal breaker but for people who it isn't, what absolutely should be a deal breaker is years and years of dishonesty about the indiscretion. I think cheating liars often capitalise on the idea that "it was 10 years ago" means it is not significant but to the person discovering the indiscretion the pain is the same pain plus the pain of having lived a whole life based on a lie or lies. I think the lying for many years makes it much worse and that would be the deal breaker for me.

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 17:45:31

He got married to you while he was sleeping with someone else and lying about it, he is now mad at being caught out and not sorry at all...

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 17:50:30

If you thought this happened two years ago, and you've been married 6 months, does that mean he was seeing someone else for at least a year and a half?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 17:56:43

This man is a chronic liar and will only admit to what he thinks you have found out.

Several times now, there have been more "revelations" about what kind of man he is

There will be more even now that you don't know...you realise that, don't you ?

Don't stay with this man for your daughter...that would be the worst example you could ever give her

TalkativeJim Sun 09-Dec-12 17:57:55

Hope to God you dump him. Because one thing you can be sure of, here's what the pattern of married life in the future looks like when it comes to a comprehensive liar/cheater like this.

He has no respect for you, your marriage, or your family. And by the looks of it he's not likely to develop some any time soon.

I'd get a few things in a bag for him and tell him they're on the step for him to collect.

Better for your DD for a split to happen now rather than after his next couple of dalliances three/six/nine years down the line.

Don't waste your life on a cheat.

TalkativeJim Sun 09-Dec-12 18:09:37

What actually possibly tells you the most about this man is the fact that shortly after you discovering the 'inappropriate friendship', he was already trying to play away again sending emails to someone at work. Not utterly remorseful at having hurt you, not bending over backwards to reassure you, but back sniffing around other women almost straight away.

Given that, it was overwhelmingly likely that the EA was a physical affair, and that he was a full-on, deliberate, unrepentant cheat.

I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through right now, but I really hope you can now see how rotten this guy is. You will undoubtedly have a happier, more stable life not married to him.

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 19:25:50

He came back and I'm a bit of a wreck now, I feel guilty for making him feel bad - how does that work??

Ahhhcrap Sun 09-Dec-12 19:29:17

I've told him he can stay as he's got no where else to go but I think he could have stayed with family or friend but he doesn't want to explain why.

I've had tears and snot off him on the phone..

I know what I should do but why am I feeling like the bad guy for splitting up? It's almost like I'm the baddie in all this as it was such a long time ago and I shouldn't be making a fuss.

Thank you all so much for the hand holding

Teeb Sun 09-Dec-12 19:43:46

You really need to put you first here. Do you think him being in the house is for the best right now? Especially if he has family close by. Him going away for a day or two doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if you don't want it to, but it does give you an opportunity to clear your head and concentrate on taking care of yourself/your daughter, as well as making him realise how massively he has fucked up.

TalkativeJim Sun 09-Dec-12 20:05:50

It's not a long time ago.

It's now. You have just discovered that he is a cheat and a consummate liar and appears always to have been so. Contrary to what you thought up until last night.

I hope you find the strength to make him leave, so that you can at least think things through without the pressure this shit of a man will undoubtedly now try and pile onto you.

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