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My mum. Time to just give up?

(57 Posts)
Badvocsanta Fri 07-Dec-12 20:09:05

I will try not to drip feed but this has to be condensed or I would be here all night!!
I am the eldest of 3 of an Irish catholic mother (not that she is a practising catholic but we were all brought up in the faith)
Since I was about 10/11 I have been dealing - along with my dad - with my mothers mental health problems.
I nursed her through 2 breakdowns before I was 20.
My siblings were not involved really...I remember having to come home from work during my lunch hour to spoon feed her some lunch or she wouldn't eat.
My siblings seemed unconcerned she was below 6 stone at this time.
I was working part time from 13 and gave all my earns to my parents...it was what put food in the table some weeks.
And yet even though my sister started work at 16 they took no board from her until she was 20.
My brother has never really worked for any length of time and so has never contributed to the family.
Now I am a mother myself (2 ds's) I am getting more and more angry and upset at her actions both in the past (which is pointless) and now.
I invite set and my dad for lunch in Xmas day and an now really regretting it sad
She has a problem with her leg ATM and keeps telling me how bored she is, how much it hurts etc...and yet she can spend hours going around the shops with my sister.
I took her to the gp last week, even though my ds2 was ill and she knew that. I took him out in the wind and rain so she didn't have to walk to the gp surgery. The next day she is walking round sainsburys with my sister...
She is coeliac and will not stick to the GF diet. This means she has stomach problems most of the time.
She has always been far more partial to my siblings, ESP my brother.
Which is fine.
But she is now showing similar favouritism wrt the grandchildren.
My sis has 2 boys and my bro has a 1 year old girl.
We all now live in the same village and yet they never come to see my kids.
If we dont go there we don't see them.
I am so fed up. I know Aibu to expect her to change. She won't. But I am so tired and fed up and would love to have the kind of family that actually want to spend time with us.
My kids are so great, they deserve better.
Luckily pils are fab, which possibly makes the comparison harder to bear.
Wwyd re Xmas?
Just leave it as it is?
They will come, eat and leave anyway so won't be here long...
sad

Badvoc Sat 29-Dec-12 18:41:29

No imperial i didnt.
Silly to apply really...as i said. Pride i guess.
I was at home until i was 26 and i left to get married.
I started a degree with the OU before ds2 was born but with the new changes to HE i cant continue as i cant afford it.
We cant move...at least not whilst the boys are happy at school. If that ever changes i am out of here!
Feel very low and upset again today.
Thanks for your replies x

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 18:44:25

Cheer up! Turn it on its head and think "That is the last Christmas that they will spoil - in future all my Christmasses will be lovely." You've had the worst of it now, OP - time to relax.

cantreachmytoes Sun 30-Dec-12 13:16:19

If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. My mother (also undiagnosed MH issues and toxic to me as a result) came for Christmas against my better judgement and I regret it now.

However, the upside is that she won't be coming next time because she won't be invited and if she mentions it, I will be sure to state just how much I'm looking forward to a Christmas with just DC and DH. I'm past caring about upsetting her more than caring about me being upset.
Resolution for 2013? Be selfish in my relationship with my mother!
I hope you don't beat yourself up too much for your Christmas. It is dreadfully disappointing, but you tried. It sounds like you've tried a lot and for a long time. You're not less important than her (or your children), so give YOURSELF a break in 2013 and don't put yourself in situations where you know you're being (ab)used. If it wouldn't be ok for your DCs, it's not ok for you.

Badvoc Sun 30-Dec-12 14:13:59

Sorry to hear that cant
Yes 2013 needs to be different

RafflesWay Sun 30-Dec-12 15:28:33

Oh bad, I have only just read through your thread and this sounds very similar to my past situation. However I was the illegitimate child of a very strong Irish catholic family - my fault of course! My mother married my stepfather when I was 5 and left me with gp's to move away and start new family with 2 new dc. I spent all my childhood being pushed from pillar to post and hardly saw her. However, thankfully I was blessed with a brain and despite having to work 2 jobs from 15 - as by then I had to support myself in my own flat as grandfather had died and grandmother became toxic also - I eventually had a great career and married A fantastic man so now have a beautiful home and life with dh and dd. I tried so many times to mend fences with my mother but she constantly treated my half sisters so much better than me and was only pleasant to me if she wanted money or help with something. It left me devastated constantly! However 20 yrs ago I decided enough and broke off all contact with both her and her family for good. Best thing I ever did! Yes there have been times when i have envied other people and their relationship with their own mother - never knew my father- but I have been soooo much happier since losing contact and although we all live in same village we just never see each other. I spotted my mother walking down the village main street about 7 yrs ago and felt nothing. No hatred, no longing - just nothing. I now just wish them all well but have no desire at all to re-enter their lives. Strongly believe this was the best decision for all of us but when I look at my own dd - who has severe learning difficulties - I cannot for the life of me understand my own mother's treatment of me as my dd is my life as she is of my dh. I wish you the very best bad but I doubt anything will change unless you take a stand as they have nothing to lose - only you will continue to feel more and more depressed and you deserve so much better. Believe me, everything you have stated I suffered too including having Christmas ruined etc. And much worse.

Badvoc Sun 30-Dec-12 17:46:46

Raffles.
I am very sorry to hear your story, but many congrats in your lovely dh and dd.
My dh is great, and my children are wonderful (but of course I would say that!)
I am not worried about living in the same village at all..I never see my brother, only see my sister on the school run and not everyday. I only really see them if I visit my parents house and I won't be doing that anytime soon.
I have had no text, phone call, nothing from my brother over Xmas.
I have felt physically ill since Boxing Day - my dh and dc have gone to my pils without me as I just don't feel well enough - and it's all due to them.
They actually make me ill!

RafflesWay Sun 30-Dec-12 21:24:33

I know that feeling so well bad! I felt suicidal at times and constantly questioned myself as a person etc. This will eat you alive if you allow it to. I am not necessarily saying you should take such drastic action as I did but their behaviour suggests they don't have normal "family feelings" for you. (I bet you are a terrific mum yourself as you will be so conscious of being so different to your own mother!) I made the decision after asking myself seriously would my life be better with or without them and when I looked at the pros and cons the latter seemed easier to live with. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by keeping your distance for the time being and focus on your own lovely family who will be the ones to keep you strong and sane. Keep talking to us on here bad - we will be here to support you whenever you need it.

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