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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH just tried to kill himself....

46 replies

vikingmaid · 07/12/2012 19:08

Long story short. DH had a breakdown last year, drinking self harming and a short fling. tried to work it out but he walked anyway. I have seen it for what it is, namely mental health, we have been under huge strss and it finally got him. Have been seperated for 4 months although hoped he would get help. Have been getting on with it and looking after DC. Last night he got very drunk and tried to kill himself. Has been blaming me for leaving, although I know its guilt and I think he thought running away was the answer. Now he's in a very black place. I wish I could hate him, but 20 years is a long time. Just want hand holding really.

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MistletoeAndTomHardyPlease · 07/12/2012 19:09

((((hugs))))

where is he now?

izzyizin · 07/12/2012 19:11

How did he try to kill himself? Presumably he was found in time and is now in hospital which hopefully will enable you to relax for the weekend knowing that he's in a safe place?

ipswichwitch · 07/12/2012 19:11

Oh god how awful, I'm so sorry. I'll hold your hand and hope someone has something to say that can help. Look after yourself and your DC, you deserve some tlc

vikingmaid · 07/12/2012 19:11

In his flat all alone, hospital let him go. He is ok, doesn't want to talk though.

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Persuasion · 07/12/2012 19:12

Didn't want to read and run. Is he somewhere safe now, where he can get help?
And do you have anyone you can talk to in RL? Don't underestimate how stressful this is for you too.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 07/12/2012 19:12

Has he done this to try to manipulate you into going back to him? How was he when you were together?

Make sure that he has the medical people on call and understand that there is nothing you can really do. It's down to him.

He has to help himself. You can't do this for him.

(((((hug))))) don't be hard on yourself, this is NOT your fault.

teenyweenytadpole · 07/12/2012 19:12

Oh dear, so sorry to hear this. Does he have help? Do you have anyone to talk to - counsellor? friend? My DH also suffers from depression and has talked about this but never attempted it so far. It's really hard to live with isn't it.

MistletoeAndTomHardyPlease · 07/12/2012 19:13

Is it safe for him to be alone? :(

Persuasion · 07/12/2012 19:14

Sorry, cross posted. The fact they let him go should be reassuring, assuming he had a decent assessment, and they're following him up. I know it may not seem like that just now though.

vikingmaid · 07/12/2012 19:19

I dont know how he is, wont see anyone and all his family 100's of miles away.

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izzyizin · 07/12/2012 19:19

How did he try to kill himself? Did he or another party call an amublance?

Was he admitted to a psych ward? Were you notified as his next of kin or was another relative alterted? Have you spoken to the hospital doctor(s) who decided to discharge him?

Persuasion · 07/12/2012 19:24

This is not your fault. It's horrible, and obviously frightening, but it is NOT your fault. I know it's really hard, but if he won't talk to you, you can't make him. If you can let him know you are available to talk when he's ready you can do that, but he is the only one that can determine what happens now.

Unmumsnetty (((Hugs)))

girlylala0807 · 07/12/2012 19:24

My ex husband did this to us last year. I will never forgive him for it. Ever. Don't ever let him have you believe its your fault. It's not. Do you have rl support? Pm me if you would like to chat. Take care.

Varya · 07/12/2012 19:44

Mine tried this in 2010 and no MHT has really help.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 07/12/2012 20:34

People who genuinely want to kill themselves usually succeed. I think blaming you is despicable quite honestly. You may have a 20 year history but he clearly hates you.

junowiththegladrags · 07/12/2012 20:40

I don't think he hates you but agree that blaming you is despicable.
You are not responsible for his actions. He's a grown man who needs help for sure but whether it should be from you? No...absolutely no.

You need to distance yourself at this time as him blaming you is only going to cause you both even pain. I'm sure he knows where to get help if he needs to, and until he does, for your and your children's sake, keep your distance as much as possible.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 07/12/2012 20:47

Of course he hates the OP. By blaming her it's clear he's done this simply to make her feel responsible and guilty. Whether he lived or died, even though it's not her fault, he knows she'll have this on her conscience - probably for ever. It's the very worst thing someone can do to another human being.

izzyizin · 07/12/2012 21:03

Is this what he's told you or do you have independent proof that he made an attempt on his life last night?

Either way, what he chooses to do is entirely up to him and you cannot be held responsible in any way for his behaviour or his actions.

glastocat · 07/12/2012 21:05

I have no advice, just wanted to offer you a hand to hold. This is not your fault.

LittlemissChristmas · 07/12/2012 21:09

Sorry no advice but this is not your fault. Please concentrate on looking after you and your dc.
It sounds harsh and I'm sorry to say it but the majority of those who try it and do not succeed (especially more than once) are doing it for attention. He needs help, to get himself sorted out then he can become a husband and father again.

zoeymlucas · 07/12/2012 21:15

Think about it logically:
If he was home and alone and tried to do it that means HE called the ambulance which means it was a cry for attention not actually trying to kill himself, there is a huge difference! Then blaming you is manipulating you to feel guilty and sorry for him, plus sorry to sound cruel but as someone who has experience of someone actually committing suicide- if he was able to get up and walk out the hospital he didn't really try that hard to do damage as they would of had him sectioned if they believed he was a risk to himself, or he would of been too ill to get up and go!

Sorry to sound hard but people who want to end it do and this who can't cope and want a cry of attention do things like this! Do not be sucked into this and let him play you any further

MrsFlibble · 07/12/2012 21:41

Zoey is right, if he really wanted to kill himself, then he would have succeeded,

This is coming from someone who took an overdose, its a cry for help and attention, thats all.

peppapiggy · 07/12/2012 21:48

My exH did this 5 or 6 times resulting in HDU admission twice and ITU admission once, he would do this when I wanted to end the relationship or to try to gain sympathy and get me back. Since I divorced him and refused to communicate with him he has not attempted it. It is not your fault, he is an adult, it is his choice. It is surprisingly common how many people do this in order to manipulate and control others, don't let him do that to you.

Santasapunkatheart · 07/12/2012 21:58

There are huge myths around suicide, namely they people who want to succeed will do so. It's nonsense, as some attempts fail for whatever reason. That said, someone in the grip of true suicidal feelings is mentally ill, if only temporily. He needs help and to get out all these feelings of again and blame towards our OP.

Sorry this has happened but he does need to deal with the issues and get help. Don't accept the blame - it is not your fault.

vikingmaid · 07/12/2012 22:31

Thank you all for your comments. I know only he can help himself. He called a friend too tell him what he had done and he called the ambulance. As for 'blaming' me, he wasn't blaming me for the self harm, he is upset and full of self loathing, but earlier in the day blamed me for the breakdown of the family...even thought he walked! said he couldn't stand being with me...all projection, I know he desperately misses us and he has set up home in his flat as he thought that would be the answer. However, he needs to accept he has problems and until he does no-one can help....still, difficult to watch from afar, especially as me the kids love him!

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