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How to really get over the past?

(19 Posts)
HettySunshine Sat 08-Dec-12 14:50:05

I thought it hadn't posted the first time. Sorry for the weird double posting!

HettySunshine Sat 08-Dec-12 14:48:57

Hey there OP, while I agree you have every right to be a bit nervous about your DP slipping back into his previous behaviour, based on the info you've provided I don't think you need to worry too much at the moment.

Last year when he was being a dick you were not properly together and now you are a family. Also, he said he'd be home at 11pm which is not an unreasonable time on the weekend and he was back by 9.30 which is obviously a good sign.

Is he going out with the same people tonight? Do you like them? Any chance you could get a bs and go with?

Obviously if he starts staying out late frequently and being vague about where he is and who he's with, then you may have a problem but as it is I think you're fine.

grin

HettySunshine Sat 08-Dec-12 14:41:57

Hey there OP, while I agree you have every right to be a bit nervous about your DP slipping back into his previous behaviour, based on the info you've provided I don't think you need to worry too much at the moment.

Last year you were not properly together and now you are a family. Also, he said he'd be home at 11pm which is not an unreasonable time and was home by 9.30 - this is obviously a good sign.

Is he out with same people tonight? Any chance you could get a bs and go too?

I'd suggest having a chat with him about the way you are feeling and see how he responds. I genuinely don't think he will want to hurt you.

smile

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 13:22:51

Nothing more than insecurity????? Are you for real?

If a thief ransacked your house, got caught, promised to reform and offered to spend their weekends mowing your lawn into the bargain..... would it be 'insecurity' if, just a short time later, you saw them with your purse and wondered how much money they'd nicked?

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 12:31:12

Fast forward to now things are going great......and it is nothing more than op insecurity that's putting doubt into this relationship

Canweput what do you want to happen

And cogo you have me so wrong do not even try to second guess me....you'll be wrong

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 12:20:35

And I'm seeing someone who wants women to prostrate themselves in front of shitty men, forgive the unforgivable, tolerate the intolerable and take on all the responsibility for sorting things out. The OP has only been with this person for a very short time, has been treated extremely badly for most of it, he seems to be back up to his old tricks and yet you're suggesting there is only one possible way forward.

I'm not actually saying 'leave' him. I have said 'eyes wide open' because I would like the OP to know that what she is feeling is entirely normal and rational and some things cannot be 'got over'. It is not always possible or desirable to forgive.

TheReturnOfBridezilla Sat 08-Dec-12 12:13:26

Reassurance. Sigh. I have a new phone and seem to be unable to type coherently on it.

TheReturnOfBridezilla Sat 08-Dec-12 12:12:39

The thing is, he has betrayed your trust and paid the price. That price is the fact that you will never completely trust him again amd need reassuranve ocassionally. Whether you stay or go, he can't possibly blame you for that, it's a normal, human reaction.

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 12:08:59

Decent people will actually sort things out and might just start to get along better

It is ok to forgive or to sort things out with your partner

It seems some people well ok most people on here will give the advice leave him he is not worth it

I see lots of crap advice here normally from women who have become so bitter and twisted that they decide to make it their personal campaign to destroy as many marriages as they possibly can in the time that they have got ....its a shame <Sigh>

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 12:00:58

"Just because some people have difficulty forgiving and trusting does not mean this is the same for most decent people"

'Decent people' will be exploited & hurt if they are too quick to forgive and trust. 'Decent people' remain decent people, even when they decide they do not wish to forgive or trust a liar and a cheat

meditrina Sat 08-Dec-12 10:39:25

It can take years to get over a betrayal. Something knocking you back is normal.

You have been amazingly generous in looking at causes and working to reconcile.

I think you do need to 'drag the past up' - but this is because you need honesty if you are to recover from this and keep going forwards together. He needs to understand that you are not yet fully healed, and that he must think of your needs. If at includes your not being ready for him to have solo nights out, he must respect that and stay in, or find a sitter so you can go out together. And he must realise there is no timetable for this - it is unreasonable for him to think you should be OK by now. If he made a genuine mistake in thinking you were OK with his resuming solo nights out, and is sorry and desists, then you may be able to keep moving on. If he is reluctant to see this, then you do need to think about whether he is serious about reconciliation.

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 10:23:10

People cannot possibly actually change...... Sure they can Just because some people have difficulty forgiving and trusting does not mean this is the same for most decent people

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 06:38:12

The phrase is 'once bitten, twice shy'. Sadly, once someone has seriously betrayed your trust and let you down, it's very difficult to trust them again. It's not 'overthinking' or insecurity in the slightest. It's a totally natural reaction and a reasonable thing to assume that shitty behaviour patterns will carry on as they did before.

You seem to have plenty of excuses for him why he behaved the way he did. You're quite casual about the 'ups and downs'. Make sure you're going into this with your eyes wide open and not just seeing what you want to see because you don't fancy being alone with a baby....

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 08-Dec-12 04:12:42

Sounds miserable.

Of course you can judge him by how he treated you when you were pregnant.

It tells you a lot about a man.

Canweputthetreeupyet Fri 07-Dec-12 19:02:37

izzy he came home early i txd to say i was going to bed he txd back straight away saying he would be home at 11 and he was back at half 9. Everythings been great, its jut my own insecurities that are giving me these thoughts. Im trying to keep them all in or keep them ftom him at least.

Canweputthetreeupyet Fri 07-Dec-12 18:59:47

I was carrying our ds (his 1st) and i think he was shitting himself about becoming a dad and he was very willingly easiy led by his arsehole of a mate, someone very close to him got killed so he was on a self destruct.

He changed as he realised that he wanted a family and not to be going out all the time and only seeing his son twice a week.

But now im sat here overthinking, all hes done is gone out, but in my head hes cheating on me and making a fool of me again.

izzyizin Fri 07-Dec-12 18:57:09

If you weren't 'really in a relationship' this time last year surely what matters is how he has behaved since you've been together.

You've said he went out last night - did he return more or less when he said he would or did something occur to make you think that your relationship is going to go tits or belly up?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Fri 07-Dec-12 18:51:41

Why did he treat you so badly a year ago?

What changed?

Canweputthetreeupyet Fri 07-Dec-12 18:46:17

This time last year me and dp were having problems, he was being a 1st class prick, he cheated on me and and spent all weekend every weekend in the pub. We wernt living together at the time and we wernt really in a relationship. Anyway things changed and we agreed to make a real go of us he realised he had been an arse.

Fast forward to now things have been going great a few ups and downs but nothing like last year. However he went out last night and hes out again tonight and all my worries and memories are filling my head.... I am scared that we are going to go back 12 months and things are going to go belly up.... I dont want to say anything to him because we are supposed to be looking foward and i dont want to drag the past up. He hasnt been out for ages.

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