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Finally fancy him but...

(90 Posts)
pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:34:57

I know I'm up for flaming here (thus the namechange), but I'll tell the background.

I have a good friend, we've been very close for about 8 years. For the first year he fancied me terribly but I didn't fancy him. He then got a girlfriend for a few years, then they broke up. We had a few snogs but nothing more - I wasn't all that interested then. He got another girlfriend and has been seeing her for several years. They live together.

We are still very close. We text almost daily, and have done for years. We visit each other and stay over in each other's beds (although nothing happens, although he used to fondle my hair sometimes if we were a bit pissed). We go out just with each other, rarely with her as well. If she does come out it's a very different night, and then she goes to bed while we stay up and giggle for hours. Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together and "would put money on it"- including the three different groups of strangers we met on a night out last Friday. At the end of the night we were pissed and walking down the street holding hands. There were one or two moments where I pulled away because I thought we might kiss. We went out for after work drinks again yesterday and do weekly.

I'm starting to realise that I actually really do fancy him after all.

I just think he needs to get his head sorted because if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't want him to treat another woman like he does me. It's not right. I can see that. He doesn't know that I've changed my mind. It's never been on the agenda - just good friends, although clearly a bit closer than it should be.

What do I do?

raskolnikov Fri 07-Dec-12 13:41:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raskolnikov Fri 07-Dec-12 13:30:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pennymixup Fri 07-Dec-12 13:18:52

So he lives with his long term g/f but you visit each other and stay in each other's beds? Then you all go out but you two stay up late giggling after she has gone to bed? Well if I was that long term g/f I would kick him into next week, tbh it's like an affair but almost worse because you seem to be rubbing her nose in it rather than being discreet. I think you and he are both behaving very badly and btw just because everyone thinks you should be together doesn't mean it would have any chance of working if you were...

oldwomaninashoe Fri 07-Dec-12 12:08:24

How about finding out if he is "really" serious about the girlfriend before you give the whole situation another thought.

I agree he is treating/has treated her in an appalling manner, no wonder she moans, but your whole relationship is not a normal "friends" relationship, it sounds very bizarre to me!

Who knows he could be just with her out of habit, who knows? He may have be carrying a torch for you for years, or was just trying his luck all those years ago. If you make a move now you could end up horribly humiliated.

Whatever transpires your friendship should not continue as it is. It is not a "normal" friendship.
If you cannot make it a romantic relationship because when you have your sensible head on you can see him for what he is and be realistic about a future with him, just step away.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, but realise the "friendship" is unhealthy.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 11:29:27

Have you no self respect OP?

Kikithecat Fri 07-Dec-12 10:02:55

I agree with Someone. Cards on the table and if he's no longer interested, forget him. His GF will be better of finding someone who really loves her and is not always dashing off to see his 'best friend'.

MooncupGoddess Thu 06-Dec-12 23:13:06

Oh honestly. I'd avoid a big conversation as it will just up the drama. Instead, back off and stop bedsharing, holding hands, hair ruffling etc. It's just boosting his ego while distracting you from meeting other men.

Some0ne Thu 06-Dec-12 23:04:44

Don't live a life full of regret - it's soul destroying.
This. I'm sorry, I know it's a selfish and hurtful course of action towards his GF but I do honestly believe that in the long run it's best for everyone if you put your cards on the table.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 23:02:19

hello OP please move on from this, I bet he doesn't fancy you anymore - a lot can happen in 8 year. Now you fancy him (surprise), he is with someone else. What you both get out of this is the history you have together, the camaraderie that only really close friends develop, its great up to a point. But its neither fish nor fowl, worst of both worlds. Move on.

You've got a second date coming up this weekend? Great! Go, enjoy and distance yourself emotionally from this toxic 'friendship'. Seriously, speaking from experience, where the lines are blurred in any relationship (whether man or woman), it always ends up a nightmare. Good luck.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:56:09

Of course it meant something !

Just because you have got a different slant on it doesn't mean you have both acted very badly.

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:52:22

Yeah maybe. It just never meant anything before.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:50:05

he does

and you are a dick for playing along with it

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:45:36

AF that is probably the best a good point in that he knows I know how he has treated her and even though we've been relating like this for years before she came along, he will think I'm ok with it.

I'm not really ok with it, but I do think it's largely his responsibility to not initiate anything with me. Which he does.

Put it this way he does sound like a bit of a dick.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:41:28

Judge him, OP

Judge him on his present behaviour towards his long term gf

He'll do that to you

Why wouldn't he ? He'll be justified in thinking you are ok with it, that is for sure

SpoonyFuckersWife Thu 06-Dec-12 22:38:04

Please back off for the sake of the girlfriend.

Do to others.. and all that.

It's that simple, op.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 06-Dec-12 22:37:18

I think your answer to how he feels is very much answered by the fact that he is in a long term relationship with another woman.

Yes they could be unhappy, but then he'd be unlikely to be considering marriage.

And yes he could be using her as a placeholder for you, but then he'd probably have split up with her when you became single again, just in case.

He'd be a horrid person if he's leading her her on whilst secretly loving you. He's already seeming like a terrible partner. Be honest, do you want a man who behaves like this?

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:35:44

Does he strut? grin. He might be the 'more sensitive guy' tbh, now that is embarrassing. AF you do make me laugh out loud, love the idea of a dog with two dicks.

Yes I think I should back off - it's not an appropriate 'friendship'.

Madeleine what I want from this thread is some clarification about what is reasonable, and some perspectives on the situation. It has actually been helpful to distill it down to needing it to be resolved one way or another, particularly as it was just floating along. I don't know that I am determined to tell him, because of the obvious risks to our friendship, to people getting hurt etc. However the chance to think it through has been helpful.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:33:19

she already is having an affair with him

at least in her eyes

It is possible for feelings to change, and it have nothing to do with fancying someone because they are no longer available. Plenty of marriages arise from platonic friendships, and some might say it is better to be friends first than realise you have nothing in common after lust wears off.

You have two choices - say nothing, and move on, or say something and risk losing a friendship. Don't have an affair with him though. That would be wrong on so many levels, and would hurt his girlfriend terribly.

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 22:29:00

I'm not sure what you want from this thread, please

It's pretty clear you want to tell him, and probably will. I hope nobody gets hurt if you go ahead, but I think it's extremely unlikely, whichever way it goes.

Have you thought that if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, he may well tell his gf that you have declared them (as it were). Then what happens to your friendship?
I can,t imagine she will be happy for him to spend so much time with you in future - particularly not overnight - if she knows how you are thinking about him.
.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:27:33

I bet you'll say he isn't "strutting" though

you'll say he is a "sensitive" type

they are worse

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:26:29

spend less time together and stop feeding his ego

he must be strutting around like a dog with 2 dicks

making a tit of yourself with someone else's boyfriend is not a great booster of the ole self esteem

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:23:45

I don't really know. It was just such an entrenched part of how we related. There were a few periods where it was more neutral, and periods where it was more weird. Lately he's moved back to London and we are spending more time together and I've had a "gosh, actually he's lovely" reaction, and just not sure what to do about it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:20:36

why didn't you back off from this "weird dynamic" when she came on the scene then ?

do you think of him as "your property" and so you persisted in your closeness that is actually very wrong ?

that would be weird

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:17:27

weird, weird. I CAN spell.

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