Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Finally fancy him but...

(90 Posts)
pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 18:34:57

I know I'm up for flaming here (thus the namechange), but I'll tell the background.

I have a good friend, we've been very close for about 8 years. For the first year he fancied me terribly but I didn't fancy him. He then got a girlfriend for a few years, then they broke up. We had a few snogs but nothing more - I wasn't all that interested then. He got another girlfriend and has been seeing her for several years. They live together.

We are still very close. We text almost daily, and have done for years. We visit each other and stay over in each other's beds (although nothing happens, although he used to fondle my hair sometimes if we were a bit pissed). We go out just with each other, rarely with her as well. If she does come out it's a very different night, and then she goes to bed while we stay up and giggle for hours. Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together and "would put money on it"- including the three different groups of strangers we met on a night out last Friday. At the end of the night we were pissed and walking down the street holding hands. There were one or two moments where I pulled away because I thought we might kiss. We went out for after work drinks again yesterday and do weekly.

I'm starting to realise that I actually really do fancy him after all.

I just think he needs to get his head sorted because if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't want him to treat another woman like he does me. It's not right. I can see that. He doesn't know that I've changed my mind. It's never been on the agenda - just good friends, although clearly a bit closer than it should be.

What do I do?

SpoonyFuckersWife Thu 06-Dec-12 22:38:04

Please back off for the sake of the girlfriend.

Do to others.. and all that.

It's that simple, op.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:41:28

Judge him, OP

Judge him on his present behaviour towards his long term gf

He'll do that to you

Why wouldn't he ? He'll be justified in thinking you are ok with it, that is for sure

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:45:36

AF that is probably the best a good point in that he knows I know how he has treated her and even though we've been relating like this for years before she came along, he will think I'm ok with it.

I'm not really ok with it, but I do think it's largely his responsibility to not initiate anything with me. Which he does.

Put it this way he does sound like a bit of a dick.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:50:05

he does

and you are a dick for playing along with it

pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 22:52:22

Yeah maybe. It just never meant anything before.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:56:09

Of course it meant something !

Just because you have got a different slant on it doesn't mean you have both acted very badly.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 23:02:19

hello OP please move on from this, I bet he doesn't fancy you anymore - a lot can happen in 8 year. Now you fancy him (surprise), he is with someone else. What you both get out of this is the history you have together, the camaraderie that only really close friends develop, its great up to a point. But its neither fish nor fowl, worst of both worlds. Move on.

You've got a second date coming up this weekend? Great! Go, enjoy and distance yourself emotionally from this toxic 'friendship'. Seriously, speaking from experience, where the lines are blurred in any relationship (whether man or woman), it always ends up a nightmare. Good luck.

Some0ne Thu 06-Dec-12 23:04:44

Don't live a life full of regret - it's soul destroying.
This. I'm sorry, I know it's a selfish and hurtful course of action towards his GF but I do honestly believe that in the long run it's best for everyone if you put your cards on the table.

MooncupGoddess Thu 06-Dec-12 23:13:06

Oh honestly. I'd avoid a big conversation as it will just up the drama. Instead, back off and stop bedsharing, holding hands, hair ruffling etc. It's just boosting his ego while distracting you from meeting other men.

Kikithecat Fri 07-Dec-12 10:02:55

I agree with Someone. Cards on the table and if he's no longer interested, forget him. His GF will be better of finding someone who really loves her and is not always dashing off to see his 'best friend'.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 11:29:27

Have you no self respect OP?

oldwomaninashoe Fri 07-Dec-12 12:08:24

How about finding out if he is "really" serious about the girlfriend before you give the whole situation another thought.

I agree he is treating/has treated her in an appalling manner, no wonder she moans, but your whole relationship is not a normal "friends" relationship, it sounds very bizarre to me!

Who knows he could be just with her out of habit, who knows? He may have be carrying a torch for you for years, or was just trying his luck all those years ago. If you make a move now you could end up horribly humiliated.

Whatever transpires your friendship should not continue as it is. It is not a "normal" friendship.
If you cannot make it a romantic relationship because when you have your sensible head on you can see him for what he is and be realistic about a future with him, just step away.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, but realise the "friendship" is unhealthy.

pennymixup Fri 07-Dec-12 13:18:52

So he lives with his long term g/f but you visit each other and stay in each other's beds? Then you all go out but you two stay up late giggling after she has gone to bed? Well if I was that long term g/f I would kick him into next week, tbh it's like an affair but almost worse because you seem to be rubbing her nose in it rather than being discreet. I think you and he are both behaving very badly and btw just because everyone thinks you should be together doesn't mean it would have any chance of working if you were...

raskolnikov Fri 07-Dec-12 13:30:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raskolnikov Fri 07-Dec-12 13:41:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now