Help! Abusive estranged father returning...

[MickeyTheShortOne]

Hi everyone. I think I'm looking for some advice and a big un-mumsnetty cuddle
I've just had my first baby. She is 18 days old and is a little light in the horrible darkness that seems to be engulfing me now.
I haven't seen my father since being a year old. I have no memories of him. No idea what he looks like. He physically and mentally abused my mother for three years until she finally managed to get rid of him. He went on to have another child, and abuse another woman.
For a long time now he has lived in America, nearly died twice of pancreatitis (due to being an excessive alcoholic), fell down a cliff, broke his back and crawled all the way back up and survived. Has had another child, abused another wife, etc etc.
He's coming back. Said wife and child have run away and now he is moving back to the UK permanently to live with his mother, in the village that I've grown up in and called my home for 20 years.
His mother is an absolute headcase, told him that he was going to be a grandad, and told me in no uncertain terms that he wants "to get to know me". On this occasion I was still working, and heavily pregnant. I well and truly burnt all bridges with her and told her that she or he are having nothing to do with me, or DD, and then kicked her out of my shop

My aunty (the only nice sister who is still in touch with me) rang me today and told me that he is coming back, for good, this weekend.
I'm so scared.
Luckily, I have moved, and not many people know where we live so hopefully there is no chance of being found by either of them.
But I feel so vulnerable. DP is back at work for another week and a half and I'm really terrified that he will turn up on my doorstep. I can rely on the village gossips to tell him everything. What do I do? I'd love to be able to tell him where to go, but I fear that if and when that time comes I won't be strong enough and will let him walk all over me. I don't do confrontation. Especially with a man that I don't know, with an abusive history like his. I know he will come back and be a raging alcoholic again. I feel a bit like I can't leave my house now and can't go back to my village and do things like I did before.
Sounds stupid but I'm scared to go back to our local pub in case he will be there. Alot of his old friends drink in there, know me, know the baby and I am so worried that he'll start drinking there. I know I won't be able to set foot in there knowing that he could be in there, or could turn up.
Bang goes my fecking christmas.
Ugh. I feel like shit. I don't even know what the bloke looks like anymore. I have a picture of him, that is years and years old, which for some reason I've never been able to throw away. (Although I may have done when I had the last row with his mother).
I'm so scared for my mum. His mother knows where she lives and I'm so scared for her that he will turn up there looking for us. She says she's not bothered, and will tell him to fuck off, basically. But she's so good at acting brave when I know she isn't. She'll go to shit in three days time. I don't think domestic abuse is ever forgotten. I don't even know the whole story because she's always tried to protect me from it.

Sorry everyone. I'm not sure what I need to help me get through this, poor DP doesn't know how to comfort me and I'm terrified to even answer the door. I'm so on edge. I'm not allowed to drive for another 3 weeks still, due to complications with the birth of DD. Any advice?

[Whocansay]

You're giving this guy way too much power. If he approaches you, tell him you have nothing to say to him and leave. If he threatens you or your mother, call the police. Don't give him the headspace. He doesn't deserve it.

Everyone else in your village will see him as a washed up, old drunk. Because that's what he is. You owe him nothing.

Sending you the unmumsnetty hugs

[Angelico]

Bumping this for other wise MNers to give advice.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Op

I understand why you are so worried, but please think about what sort of state he might/will be in? if he is moving back to his Mums it might be because he isnt able to look after himself anymore, cronic alchoholic plus two cancers and a broken back.

This guy could be in a wheel chair for all you know, he might not be able to get up in any bodies face.Try and calm down I know thats easier said than done, but it really seems like the thought of him is scarier than he actually probably is.
Chances are and hopefully he is a wizened old man who is now down on his luck
and looking for the sympathy vote, thats easier to handle than what you are describing. Sit down and think of what evidence you have for your claims about him, then only act on what you know for sure. When he gets here is there someone who can nose around for you and report back to you on how he seems health wise etc?


Please dont panic because it might come to nothing, plus remember you have you dp, and you are a new Mum and want protect your baby, its only natural.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Poor you.

The news of him coming back seems to have turned you into a fearful child again. Especially with his mum treating you as a child, dictating what your relationship with him should be.

Well, you are an adult now. Reflect on what you want: no contact, contact at a safe place in x months, and if he turns up, dictate your terms. Your little one is tiny (congratulations!). You have every right and reason to want to keep her away given his past.

Being a blood relative does not give him access. I have unfortunately a few odd balls in my family. My mum called the police when one of them turned up in the middle of the night ringing the bell without stop. The police were great, I was a child btw, and the said relative never did that again.

You can decide and make yourself safe. Try to think of him as a stranger maybe. Someone who must gain your trust.

[Seabright]

Can you do things to make yourself (and your mum) feel safer? Spyhole in the door. Chain on the door. Personal alarm by the door.

I agree with previous posters who say he may be coming to live with his mother because he can't look after himself anymore.

How efficient are the village gossips? What if you told them about him now, before he comes back and maybe tries the "poor me, my daughter won't see me" routine. Everyone he tried it on would know why and back you up.

[MickeyTheShortOne]

thankyou for the advice. its now the weekend... i feel slightly better now that its sunk in. There isnt anything i can do to stop it happening but i think i will get a chain put on the door, etc etc. thankyou for all your advice. i agree with whoever said (sorry on phone cant namecheck) that its turned me into a fearful.child again. It really has- i hadnt looked at it like that before. but you are right, i am an adult now and i have my own little girl to think of!!

[WatermelonSugar]

Glad to hear your feeling slightly better. One thing that strikes me reading your OP - you say you don't do confrontation but it sounds like you managed to get your point across pretty well to his headcase mother! Can you draw strength from that?

I agree with the posters who say he's just a washed-up old man and has no power over you. The thought of him and what he represents to you and your mum is likely to be far worse than the reality - just a sad, bitter old man who's clearly made a colossal mess of his life.

[bringbacksideburns]

He's a lifelong bully who is now an old man. Stay calm. If he turns up at your home or shop tell him you don't want to speak to him. If he won't leave phone the Police to have him removed. Speak to Womens Aid about your mum so she knows what steps to take if he starts bothering her.

As for his mates in the pub - don't think they won't have got the measure of him over the years either. Don't let them concern you. You can make it clear to everyone you know he's a violent abuser who left you when you were a baby and you don't even know what he looks like.
He hasn't any Power in this, unless you let him. He was never in your life.

[HollyBerryBush]

you and you mother are remembering him as he was back then. He's however many years older now - bullies can only bully if you allow them that power over you - in the cold light of day, he's an old man. he may very well be bitter, twisted or quite verbally aggessive but he shouldnt have power over you because you barely know him.

Another poster somewhere made comments that her DH met his estranged father in the pub, the estranged father went disphit because he wasn'taware his son was married. The poster tore him off a strip about not being there when growing up - and she did this infront of all the estranged blokes drinking mates.

So you see, if you choose to take it - it is actually you that has the power over him - you choose not to engage and take any crap that may be coming your way.

[Jux]

Back then he had power. Now he doesn't; not over you, your mum, no one you care about. Tell people you know before he rears his head about his background, get those gossips going. A pre-emptive strike will work in your favour as everyone will know soon enough why you want to have nothing to do with him.

Good luck.