Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

lovely but unaffectionate DP

(101 Posts)
zookeeper Thu 06-Dec-12 12:28:34

That's it really; I have been with my lovely DP for two years. We don't live together but we see each other three or four times a week. He is thoughtful, unselfish, caring, funny, kind to my dcs etc but physically unaffectionate.

The only time he shows any affection is when we're in bed and he wants sex. Otherwise it's a peck on the lips when we meet and another peck when he leaves. He wouldn't think to hold hands with me when we're walking along or snuggle up to me when we're on the sofa or anything like that. If I hold his hand when we're out (or in for that matter) it just doesn't feel right because he clearly isn't comfortable.

As he's so lovely in other ways I've overlooked it but recently it's become more and more of an issue with me as I love handholding, hugging and all that stuff. I've mentioned it a couple of times and he says he loves me ;it's just the way he is and that he does "try" confused but he's just not affectionate.

I don't want to make a huge issue of it because I think then it would all become a bit forced and I wouldn't want to hurt him. However I am beginning to feel very resentful and almost tearful about it because I don't think he'll change and I wouldn't want to separate

Has anyone any experience of this/suggestions? I've never had unaffectionate dps/boyfriends and I've no idea how to deal with it tbh.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 19:01:06

The OP didn't say that he was affectionate in that way then stopped, which would be weird and signal something else going on, she said that he had never been like this.

OP, you want something that this man cannot give you, therefore it's either a compromise due to the other things hes says and does or it's a no go for you. That is very allowed and then you aren't compatible.

Don't make him feel bad becasue he doesn't openly show affection in the way you want.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 19:17:17

Stop trying to put a round peg in a square hole. I also have to say that if you back right off and maybe let him come to you a bit you never know. I hate pressure, I like to decide about where i put my body and who puts theres on mine. Someone all over me like a rash makes me recoil.

As I said I'm very like your boyfriend in this respect, I can't stand my space being invaded with puppy dog eyes and someone being on me. He probably has noted that maybe you need a bit more affection. Let it sink in, stay away and he will probably come to you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 19:31:14

I am going to go against the grain a bit here (and maybe align with clipped a bit ?)

I am not a physically demonstrative person. I don't do PDA's. I don't hand-hold with my husband. We chat, we laugh, we grope when we fancy sex. Outside of that, we are not touchy-feely. We are not dodgy people.

Years ago, someone who knew us both said I was cold. That is very wrong. Because I choose to not be all over someone, wanting kisses and cuddles all the time doesn't make me cold. It makes me a bit reserved and very aware of my own body space, that is all and it should be my choice to not have someone else's idea of "intimacy" forced on me

However, I make a lot of eye contact, turn my body towards them, engage fully in conversation, properly listen to people

I am remembering an old bf here who would be touching me all the time, but never listened to a word I said. He was also an arsehole who was fucking around all over the place.

Food for thought

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 20:27:08

I may not kiss you but i would walk over hot coals for you.

Affection is as affecton does. Actions speak louder.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 20:50:33

Had a wine Op so nicking your thread with a sort of relevance still. As a for instance I met my brother that I hadn't ever met since i was say, um, 3 last weekend and he kept kissing me on greeting on my bloody mouth, it was as instant yuck. I wanted to smack his face. Don't be so familiar, I now dont want to bloody speak to him again!

What Im trying to say is, its either false or damn weird that people want all this misplaced affection, what on earth is wrong with you?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 06-Dec-12 20:59:52

OOPs OP that sort of just came tumbling out really grin very randomly and very inappriately. i just sort of typed it.

Im going for a lie down.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:03:00

< turns clipped on her side and leaves a pint of water and two paracetamol on the bedside table >

smile

WarmFuzzyFun Thu 06-Dec-12 21:20:13

Thu 06-Dec-12 20:27:08
Beautifully put ClippedPhoenix

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 22:22:27

the trouble with this is if our needs are to be affectionate, that need will NOT go away...

Zoo, Willard Harley says: the two most important needs for women (on the whole) are: 1. conversation, 2. affection.

He says: men CAN learn these skills. They would never talk to a client the way they talk to a women (I don't do talking or holding hands. Sign here, you turkey...) If they care about their partner they can learn to listen and hold her hand, simply because it is important to her.

Just as having sex is important for them! (Well, important to me too)

badinage Thu 06-Dec-12 23:29:21

Yeah but all these posters saying you're not affectionate are not crap in bed are you?

The posters says the sex is rubbish and is all about his needs.

That's the difference.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 23:33:22

Good point, bad. I myself am a wonder in the sack wink

OP herself said he is otherwise lovely, so seems a bit conflicted. And tbh, there are quite a lot of men out there who a little bit crap in bed, aren't there?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 23:33:32

who are

ike1 Thu 06-Dec-12 23:35:53

See I am with Clipped and Any Fucker here... yes Ill do hand holding, hugs when someone is upset or needs it, maybe the odd spontaneous cuddle. .but beyond that and the odd back rub its a bit bloody irritating to have someone smothering you or demanding constant physical affirmation...

badinage Thu 06-Dec-12 23:41:11

And tbh, there are quite a lot of men out there who a little bit crap in bed, aren't there?

It certainly seems so. What I don't get is why this is overlooked by some (sexual) women as being of no real importance in the great scheme of things. Especially in a newish partner to whom you've got no real commitment, like marriage or kids.

It's the fact he's useless in bed that would make me want rid of him more than the lack of affection.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 23:41:59

As I said I'm very like your boyfriend in this respect, I can't stand my space being invaded with puppy dog eyes and someone being on me

Me too. I cannot bear being groped about and constantly bothered. I had a boyfriend once who was very touchy feely, in the end it made me feel quite queasy and I couldn't bear him being anywhere near me. Fortunately both DH and I both value our personal space !

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 23:47:48

me too, badinage, but we are not the OP smile

ImperialBlether Thu 06-Dec-12 23:48:50

But the OP isn't talking about groping him and bothering him. She's talking about a level of affection which a lot of people want and get within a relationship. He doesn't want the same level.

Personally, I think both people have to have matching levels otherwise there is unhappiness, frustration and maybe even disgust.

OP, I would end the relationship but keep him as a friend. Knock the overnights on the head - you're getting nothing from that. He can come round as a friend, but then go home, leaving you free to find someone else.

I know (from experience) that being single in your forties is difficult, but not as difficult as trying to hold the hand of a man who's avoiding you.

ike1 Thu 06-Dec-12 23:55:49

Yeah the sex is a different matter but I dont want a tree trunk leg pinning me down after...

zookeeper Fri 07-Dec-12 08:01:01

Blimey everybody! I just came back to this. No time now but we did have a long convo about it last night which was interesting.

The sex isn't rubbish, but it is a little bit crap (thanks anyFucker lol). I did say that to him (fro the first time and very late in the day I suppose) and he was horrified lol.

I'll report back later if you all haven't lost the will to live yet

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 07-Dec-12 08:36:18

There is no reason he can't improve on the slightly crap sex side (has he got a but lazy and selfish?), but it would be unfair (and a waste of time) to try and change his basic personality

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 10:03:23

Cheers AF, they did the trick grin

LookBehindYou Fri 07-Dec-12 10:49:54

I agree Anyfucker. I like sincerity.

janelikesjam Fri 07-Dec-12 14:23:29

Just some great lines in this thread

"I know (from experience) that being single in your forties is difficult, but not as difficult as trying to hold the hand of a man who's avoiding you.... "

"And tbh, there are quite a lot of men out there who a little bit crap in bed, aren't there....?"

"I can't stand my space being invaded with puppy dog eyes and someone being on me.... "

janelikesjam Fri 07-Dec-12 14:28:00

And ...

"You can waste an awful lot of time 'wishing and hoping and thinking and praying' as the late great Dusty Springfield once put it" ....

"Just because I don't want to lie on someone whilst watching the telly, kiss people when they want to kiss me, hold hands etc. doesn't mean I can't have an intimate relationship"

I have had people lie on me whilst I was watching the telly and it was quite nice if I remember rightly, but I was young and a bit sex-mad grin

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 14:47:30

Are you extracting the urine here at all jane grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now