wife had 2 affairs

[haventacluedad1]

June 2011 i found out my wife had been having an affair with a work colleague(2), then she admitted to having affair with another work colleague(1). I have been struggling to come to terms with all of this because when the affair with number 1 started it was 6 months before our marriage she blames time apart because i was working the late shift to help pay for our wedding(July 2009).Don't buy that being the only reason! This affair carried on for 2 and a half years and elasped over my wife being pregnant with our son(Aug 2010). My wife said that intercourse never happened between them, it was just oral but for an affair to last that long? Affair with number 2 phsyically didn't start until she went back to work after maternity leave but they had been getting close to each other for about 18 months. I don't know what answers i am looking for we have been to relate even though my wife reluctantly agreed she says they were friendships that became more. My wife says it is all her and nothing thta i did but i or we must have done something for this to happen.None of it makes sense i don't know what to forgive because several things make me angry and upset but i am still here(GKW). My wife deals with it her way and moves on and i am struggling to figure out why it happened in the 1st place. She says she loves me and we have talked about having another child together but our sex life is a shambles. At the minute i feel more like a sperm donor than a loving husband. The best sex we had was the 6 months leading up to our wedding(timing) my wife became pregnant with our son a few months afterwards, gave my wife some space from sex because her body going through alot but she also distanced herself from me. Our son was born and we tried to have sex a few months after and she doesn't want me pleasuring her down there or near her breasts. She broke down a few months later saying her hormones were making her want to kill people and made me think she had got post -natal depression. My wife went back to work a month later and was becoming increasingly more distant and on my day off looking after our son my wife rings and asks me is it okay if she visits her friend in wherever, i act a bit miffed because i would like her to come home and spend time with me. This made the alarm bells tick, i broke down the next day at the in-laws when i dropped my son off and her mum asked her and she denied it.After that i had a nagging feeling in my gut and head and i had to get proof and i did (facebook,texts she started taking her phone bed with her) and that is when i confronted her.Sorry for warbling on i am a nice guy and wanting to do the best by my son.

[greeneyed]

I don't have any advice just wanted to say I'm very sorry for what's happened. Some wise posters will be along soon.

[Monty27]

Ugh eyes hurt, need paragraphs...

[squeakytoy]

thats a bit rude Monty..


OP, she has had two long term affairs in the three years that you have been married.. I would say she has no respect for you and there will be no happy ending to the relationship unfortunately.

Get out now.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

OP so you've known about both affairs for over a year now. Is she still seeing anyone else or is it in the past? I'm a bit confused over your post, are you trying to sound out whether to stay together or not?

Does your wife want to stay in the marriage? Do you? Neither of you sound very happy. You say you've been to Relate together did it help?

Marriages can survive affairs but it sounds like she has no real interest in this marriage to be honest.

[LDNmummy]

OP I am so sorry to hear that she did this while you were expecting a child. To me that is an even worse violation than if she had had an affair at any other time

I think you need to be really honest with yourself and decide where you want to go from here.

Personally I would leave.

How is your relationship with your child?

I agree that she doesn't have respect for you and you both sound very unhappy. Was she confirmed as having PND?

[Monty27]

Squeaky I wasn't being rude, I literally can't read it.

OP I haven't been able to read all of the thread but I would not stay with someone who has had one, let alone two, affiars.

[VoiceofUnreason]

haventacluedad - very, very sorry for you, to be treated as you have is appalling, disrespectful, lousy and every other word in the book. Don't know if you read much around here but if the situation was reversed and you were a wife talking about a husband who had cheated on you twice including while she was pregnant, the phrase you would read most would be "Leave The Bastard".

I heartily recommend, therefore, you "Leave The Bitch", preferably seeking custody of your son to bring him up in a safe and stable environment. He will pick up on all this unhappiness and in the long run be happier seeing parents on a separate basis than living with this.

[EdithWeston]

It sounds like you need time to consider what you want: do you want a reconciliation or are the fault lines too deep.

She has behaved despicably; you are not responsible for her choice to have these affairs. Whatever may have been wrong in you marriage, there is a choice to turn to your partner and either work it out or end it honestly. Choosing instead to be unfaithful, and make the repeated choice of deceit is hers and hers alone.

It is unreasonable of her to expect you to just "move on". Reconciliation and healing only works if you are both committed to it - and it can take years. She needs to take the role of healer: difficult, especially in the early days after discovery but vital if she wants to mend the marriage.

Do you need time apart for you to work out what her affairs mean, and whether you really can live with the pile of issues she appears to want to sweep under the carpet and leave unaddressed?

[VodkaJelly]

I couldnt forgive 1 affair, never mind 2 and I would probably wouldnt want to be married any more.

2 affairs and one lasting nearly 3 years, she isnt goint to stop there and will continue to hurt you.

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Very sorry to hear this, don't bring another child into this will you while you and your wife are struggling with this.

If you want to stay married she has to be honest and transparent with you and put 100% into rebuilding trust. At the same time you need to forgive your wife - not to forget or dismiss what did or didn't take place, but to work on your relationship.

If you can't see any future with her, plan ahead.

You can look into where you'd stand should you seek divorce, you could be primary carer for your son.

I am sorry to say this but does your wife show any real love for you? Words are cheap but simply existing in the same house is not really a marriage is it.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

" My wife deals with it her way and moves on and i am struggling "

Of course she's moved on. She has no respect for you whatsoever and she thinks you'll forgive anything, no matter how badly she treats you, because you're a gullible mug. It's all very well saying 'it's all me' but she isn't making a special effort to restore your trust in her. Talk is cheap.... actions speak louder than words.

It was a mistake to involve her parents because this is between the pair of you to resolve, not them. Now it's all out in the open, however, your choices are rather more restricted. I'd suggest you separate rather than carry on flogging this particular dead horse. Some time apart may make it easier to decide what to do next.

How to do the best for your son. As he is just a baby, he needs to be with his mother. But you can set up your own home for him, share the parenting 50/50 and of course make sure he is looked after financially. But don't let him grow up thinking what you're experiencing is in any way acceptable.... set a good example.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Cogito - gonna call you on that one: "as he is just a baby, he needs to be with his mother". Are fathers completely incapable of looking after babies??

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Where did I say 'completely incapable'??? ... I recommended 50/50 parenting but the reality for children under 2 is that the mother is usually allocated the role of primary carer

[VoiceofUnreason]

Cogito - I didn't say you did use those words, I was asking you a question because as a bloke half the time when those sorts of statements are made a lot of people feel there is an implication behind it.

What the baby NEEDS is a secure, stable, happy environment. That is NOT automatically with the mother in every instance. In this case, this woman MAY be incapable at present of providing a stable home environment because she is either too busy off having affairs with other men or possibly some mental health/PND issues.

[cronullansw]

SWT.

LTBitch.......

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

'As a bloke' even you should realise that mothers have a unique place in the lives of very small children and that the courts generally agree with that view unless there are some very specific reasons to believe otherwise.

[raskolnikov]

She's treating you like a mug, OP. At the time when you two should have been intimately involved in the pregnancy and birth, she was having an affair...

She's shown that she has no respect for you over several years and that won't change. How could you ever trust her again?

Also, please don't bring another baby into this sad situation.

[AndLauraPalmerInAPearTree]

Leave the bitch.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Cogito - I don't dispute what courts say and I am well aware that mothers tend to get custody. Every mother is unique. Every father is unique. My point is still valid. The baby NEEDS a stable home and loving environment and that does NOT automatically mean the mother.

End of.

[Wallison]

Oh you poor thing. She has treated you very badly and it really sounds as though she doesn't respect either you or your marriage. From what you say on here I would advise you to leave her, but there may be things that I don't know about so it's difficult to provide a definitive answer. Even if you do leave her, it doesn't mean that you need to stop seeing your son; you can co-parent and still play an active and involved role in his life, whether you are with his mother or not.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

Do you want to stay with someone who isn't prepared to be faithful to you?

How would she feel if you had an affair?

It's just a horrible thing to do - pretend to the person that you are with that you are in a monogamous relationship with them and then shag around.

Someone who has had two affairs is likely to have a third, and a forth... do you want a lifetime of that?

Oh, and they will ALWAYS come up with reasons why it's not their fault. There's a bloody script.

[startlife]

Poor you - it sounds awful and you must feel as if the last few years have been a lie.

My DH's ex was similar she had multiple affairs and never took responsibility. After the marriage ended she remarried and did the same to her 2nd husband. My DH can't figure out whey he spent so long tolerating her behaviour - once he left the relationship her abusive behaviour was so clear.I doubt your wife will change an nothing you can do will 'fix' her.

Do not have another baby. You can be happy again, with someone who values you.

[wheredidiputit]

Do you know for certain if the baby yours, I would have a DNA test done to be sure. I would also suggest you go to STI clinic to be checked yourself.