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I feel like my husband uses me when ever HE wants sex

(22 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 07-Dec-12 11:11:39

You'd be very welcome to come and lurk or post on the emotional abuse support thread. There are a few of us regulars on there, all at different stages, but some at least with situations that will be familiar to you.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 10:01:54

From the outset you've been saying 'I'm confused' and I hope the list above has helped to clarify your situation and make you much less confused. What you do next, of course, is up to you. The choices are roughly - a) remaining in an abusive, damaging relationship with the expectation of no change in the foreseeable future b) making a fresh start for yourself and your children as an independent woman, c) making your husband admit that he is in the wrong and forcing him to change his behaviour.

a) should be intolerable, c) is usually pie in the sky.... most people would say b) is the only reasonable outcome.

20092012 Fri 07-Dec-12 09:06:27

Well yes a lot of the above I have or I am experiencing...hmm

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 08:02:19

From Womens Aid. What are the signs of domestic violence?

- Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
- Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
- Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
- Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
- Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
- Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
- Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
- Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
- Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

What is the official definition of domestic violence?

The Government defines domestic violence as "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality." This includes issues of concern to black and minority ethnic (BME) communities such as so called 'honour killings'.

If you are experiencing or have experienced any of the above then you are in an abusive relationship.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 07:51:54

"My kids love their dad and I don't want to hurt them by breaking up with him as i know it will! "

And your kids love you .... and nothing harms a child more than seeing their mother being mistreated and feeling powerless to do anything about it. Abuse isn't just about being hit across the face - and even though that has stopped, he has crossed a line and will easily cross it again. If you can't speak to him without being shouted down, if you stay silent rather than risk a confrontation, if your opinion is treated with contempt, if you are being used for sex.... then you are still a victim of Domestic Abuse, your behaviour is being manipulated, your self-esteem is being crushed, and your children will be drinking all this in and thinking this is normal. When your sons grow up, this is how they will treat their wives....

Break the cycle for your kids' sake, if not for yours.

20092012 Fri 07-Dec-12 07:43:20

No he didn't stop hitting me at the time he carried on but so did i my Sister came to stop it! And like I said he hit me when i was pregnant there were no children then this was 3 years ago! I understand what you are saying thanku for the link but ther isn't domestic violence involved anymore! Most conversations seem to turn into a arguments but that is not the kind of environment I want my kids pr for myself to grow up in! I want to feel loved at times. also i think I've distant myself from him thinking its best not to say anything because we will only argue! And communication is everything. I've tried talking to him about sorting our relationship out as I don't know how long I can go on like this but he will jus say everything is fine! Or maybe change for a week and back to his normal self!! The person who has sent a link above ( sorry can't remember name) I can't click on the link thank you all for comments

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 22:14:20

Zombiemum:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1602769-End-my-18-year-arranged-marriage

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 22:09:29

I have not been hit. Leaving that aside, I would say that there are similarities between my marriage and yours. I have often wondered about arranged marriages, because I feel like I didn't really know my h when I married him. (I may have thought I did.) I think arranged marriages can work well: it's possible to fall in love later, or just for the love to grow. But only if you're both treating each other well.

I have felt trapped in my marriage for years, because I felt God wanted me to honour my commitment. My h treats me as insignificant, gives me very little attention, except if he wants something. At one point, I remember becoming exasperated because he wouldn't even drag his eyes away from the computer screen to have a conversation with me: he expected me to talk while he continued typing! I have tried so many things over the years (13 of them), but he won't change and sees no need to, anyway.

I'm planning to leave him now. I've finally realised that his behaviour is emotionally abusive. It's been a long road, and I'm not far down it yet! The dcs are another reason I fought the idea of leaving, but I will make sure that I do all I can to facilitate their relationship with their father. Maybe they will even see more of him? He often dismisses them, too, unless he wants them for something (like to show off to his friends what a good dad he is).

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 22:09:06

The only time I feel my husband gives me attention is when he wants sex - me too...

There was a great poster in your sich and she was really feisty and planning her freedom. I will go and look for her, I can't remember her name.

mcmooncup Thu 06-Dec-12 22:08:27

Oh dear 20092012, your relationship sounds quite horrific.
You feel like a sexual slave.
He hits you (a 'break' of 2 years does not mean he has stopped)

Your happiness is deeply tied up with your children's developing sense of happiness so that is not a reason to stay with this man. Children who have grown up in an abusive marriage can be hugely damaged - affecting every part of their life, growth and development. Please read this to try and understand the effect you may have on your children by not leaving this relationship. You will be unable to hide abuse from them however much you may wish to, and "sacrifice yourself". You also sacrifice them.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 21:59:33

And did he stop, in shock maybe, when you hit him? He didn't get angry, hit again? Yup, you're right; I don't value his promise much! wink How long ago was that? Seven months?

20092012 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:57:04

The hitting stopped because I would actually hot him back and not jus sit there and take it! After my son was born He promised he wouldn't hit me . I know what you are saying! That's why I have come on here as I am very confused I don't know what to do!

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 21:44:06

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling confused. It's very sad to be in a relationship where you've tried all you can to improve things, but your dp is inflexible. You say you won't consider breaking up as the dcs would be hurt. May I gently suggest that seeing their mother being treated as insignificant by their father could well hurt them? How will they respond to it? They will probably think this is normal, they may think less of you themselves, they may try to stick up for you against their Daddy. These are all unhealthy family dynamics. You say he won't change. So when they are teenagers, will they still see his same disregard for you? Will they come to expect to treat their girlfriends in the same way?

I'm sorry to sound so negative. One more very sad question - how do you know the hitting has stopped?

SummerDad Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:52

20092012 It does not sound silly at all, I am stuck in my relationship for the very same reason. So, yeah people do get used by other people !!!

20092012 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:48

Yes in the past he has hit me when I was 6 months pregnant and few other times before but thankfully that has all stopped now

20092012 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:24:33

My kids love their dad and I don't want to hurt them by breaking up with him as i know it will! and it might sound silly but I would actually sacrifice my happiness for theirs! I would have defo split with him if we didn't have children together but there is a lot to think about my eldest is only 3 and my other son is 7 months! Iv been with him 5 years now,

SummerDad Thu 06-Dec-12 12:49:54

20092012 I can understand and somewhat relate to how hard it could be to break from a non-functional relationship in certain cultures. Being a dad, I feel stuck in a relationship for totally different reasons and I know how frustrating it could be to put up with all this. Depending on what sort of cultural set up you come from, you really need to do something about resolving this issue, may be to discuss it with your close family members, they can be able to give you more practical advice.

Movergirl Thu 06-Dec-12 11:22:54

I agree that you shouldn't stay in a marriage/ relationship if you are sure that there is no way forward. But it can be really difficult to leave and it is a massive decision.
20092012, are you sure he won't change? And if you are sure, are you in a position at the moment to be financially independent etc.? If not, can you take steps now to put yourself in a stronger position- and will doing so change the dynamics of the relationship anyway- maybe in a positive way?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 06-Dec-12 11:16:27

"I feel I have to stay with him as we have two children"

This makes a lot of people feel 'kind of stuck'. Unfortunately, if you've decided up front that you have to stay together then you've put yourself in a really weak position. You can't threaten to leave because you know and they know that you're not serious. So there are you are, voluntarily trapped in a bad relationship, and he has no incentive whatsoever to treat you any better.

A man who only pays attention to you when he wants sex is a really lousy human being. If he's used you to get into the country he's dishonest. If he uses you 'in many ways' that you are not stating, does that mean he is also abusive? Your children are learning from your example that this is how men should treat women. Women are sex-toys, cooks, cleaners or good for the Home Office... and to be used ignored the rest of the time. Is that what you want them to learn? He is happy with the arrangement so you're quite right - he is not going to change. The only person who you can change is yourself

So free yourself. Forget 'I feel I have to stay with him' and give yourself some options. Talk to people who can tell you your rights in the event of a divorce e.g. solicitors, Womens Aid or CAB. Find out how life could be as an independent woman. Then make a decision based on solid information ..... not on some outdated idea of obligation just because you're married.

dequoisagitil Thu 06-Dec-12 11:15:32

If you want to end the marriage, you can. It is soul-destroying to have sex with someone who you don't want to be with and to be in a relationship that gives you nothing, but takes a lot from you.

Your children would adapt to a new reality. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness or peace of mind to be a good parent.

Movergirl Thu 06-Dec-12 11:06:57

That sounds tough. And upsetting. We all need to feel wanted to feel good about ourselves and the relationship How long have you been with him?

20092012 Wed 05-Dec-12 22:49:10

Hi has anyone been or even in a relationship and think there kind of stuck in it? I want people's opinions as I'm very confused I am in a relationship where I have had enough! The only time I feel my husband gives me attention is when he wants sex,Iv told him how it makes me feel many times and I know our relationship won't ever change I feel I have to stay with him as we have two children, I had a arranged marriage and feel I have been used by him in many ways and mainly to come into this country, I'm so confused,

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