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Worries about DH Christmas party - Advice please(58 Posts)
I know this is in comparison to most of these threads small fry but am really just after some advice/positive words!
Since the birth of our DD1 I have felt less attractive, interesting and basically confident about myself as anything other than a mum. I am trying to address this at the moment (just started some counselling and am looking/interviewing for jobs) but It has in the last few weeks been v tough. I had to have an operation on my cervix (nice) and have been bleeding pretty much non stop for 6 weeks which is annoying (and means no sex which makes me feel worse!). On top of that we've had endless colds and tummy bugs blah blah blah. Anyway because of this DH and I haven't spent much fun quality time together. It's been a hard slog although not been arguing or anything.
This weekend is his office Xmas party. It's a weekend away. I suddenly feel totally insecure about us and that he's going to start an affair with someone at work. Clearly he could do this at any time he wanted but for some reason because I know I won't see him for 48 hrs and I'll be home 'holding the baby' once again it's got my back up. He is a brilliant dad, can not fault him and mostly a good partner to me but sometimes I feel like we need to get some spark back. I think this is probably normal after a baby but I am becoming increasingly insecure and know that even though I don't want to I am starting to take it our on him. Last weekend I got upset as he said the whole weekend is just a big drunken thing which p*ssed me off as I feel upset he'd rather do that (with a lot of people he doesn't seem to interested in) than spend the weekend taking care of us when we have had a very tough few weeks. Saying that he works hard and I can see that the weekend will be fun and he will have no crying baby to get up for.
Can someone please tell me how they deal with situations like this? Ever felt you have lost your confidence/independence post baby? I used to be so different but now worry I have turned into a boring nagging mum.
It's not exactly a family friendly company he works for, is it? How many people could go off for a weekend like that? It's hardly something a lot of women with children could do. And if someone had a reputation for affairs, a weekend like that would be a nightmare for their partner.
He might have to go for networking reasons, to show willing, all sorts of stuff even if he is planning to leave, - he might still need the contacts or the other job might not be in the bag. I'm sure other the wives aren't so happy either. I'm quite surprised it doesn't include partners though, as it's a weekend. Do you know any of them? Pity the company doesn't think about the women/ men supporting them all year.
I agree with laqueen and others, my dh has things like this all the time and although I love being a sahm I have to make an effort for me. I love being at home and with the dc but I have to get out a bit. This is making him wobble slightly and fuss about babysitters/ money etc ( he works most evenings) so not before time. Maybe I will have my own thread soon
Morriszapp you are well smart
Well, it sounds to me like you're feeling very unhappy at the moment, and wants to punish your DH as a result. Not very fair, but understandable, I suppose.
You admit that you are the one deliberately pushing for an argument, yes?
If you want to take the advice of an experienced girlfriend/wife of more than 20 years, who is happily married to a bloke who thinks the sun shines out of her bum...I would smile gracefully, arrange several nice things to do with your GFs this weekend, tell your DH to have a fabulous time, tell him to come back when he is ready to (absolutely zero point in him coming home, only to sulk)...
...but, make it very clear that next weekend you get to do what you want to do. Whether that be waited on hand and foot by your DH, or wined and dined, or meeting up with friends. What you wants goes, okay?
I see soooooooooooooooo many relationship head down this path of petty sniping, and he said/she said, and hiden resentment and sulking, and just general nastiness. And, there's really no need.
Your DH gets what he wants this weekend. You get what you want next week. It's a Win/Win
Ah monkey mamma I feel the same about how you miss them (or just adult company!!) and they don't you so much. It's rubbish. I feel sorry for you still breast feeding (altho is the best thing!) but I know it restricts things even more. I don't have that problem and should count myself lucky to only be up once or twice but it still sucks! Can you ask him to get less drunk tonight or is that a no go?
Op, don't have anything helpful to say really but your post has really spoken to me today. my oH has two Christmas parties, one was Weds and he was steaming drunk at the end of it (so I got no help that evening, through the night - ds 10mo still wakes 3 or 4 times a night, and wants bfing, the only way to cut down the feeds is if oh settles him, if I try he just wants milk. So with oh in bed drunk/hungover I was bfing our 10mo four times in the night! Argh! Sore boobs as well as knackered. also then no help in the morning with breakfast etc) and the next party is tonight so am expecting the same thing again tonight/tomorrow. I thought last night he would at least make the dinner (I do all the cooking normally) or offer to bath ds while I had a bit of time off, but no jo whatsoever even when I said this was what I ws hoping for.
It does help that as I'm still bfing, there won't be any parties, nights out etc for me for a while. Let alone getting pissed! I do have mum friends but haven't seen them for ages because ds has had a virus for the last 5 weeks and I don't want to pass it to their babies. (I've had it too so am feeling really shitty anyway).
In some ways it isn't that I need oh's help so much, it's that I miss him and don't feel like he misses me :-(
Sorry for woefully non-constructive post but it feels better to have got it off my chest!!
I've felt just like you OP, and I feel your pain. You say you love being a mum, but in the early days, I actually hated it, and resented every second DP spent out of the house, even for work.
What made things ok was getting DS on a bottle so that we could be proper 'equal parents', then getting a calendar and writing stuff on it.
The other thing that made it better was DS getting a bit bigger, and a bit less hard work!
I think of it as a pennies in the bank system. I love weekends away on my own, so I don't moan too much about DPs hobbies, as long as it's kept fair and equal.
I was in a very bad place when DS was a wee baby, I became obsessed with getting out on my own, I saw it as an unattainable luxury that I would never have again. Of course, I can have it again. In fact, I usually find now that I prefer to stay in - it was losing the choice element that did for me.
If you're generally ok, not depressed etc, then I say suck it up for now. You'll be 'owed one' big time, and when it comes the time to cash it in, you'll be glad you did. If you've had a hen night already, then you don't have too much to worry about?
If you think you might be depressed, well, come back and we'll help you.
Thanks for all the advice! It is interesting to hear so many different opinions. He just called me and was feeling rather upset about it all. We had a good hat where I explained that I feel backed into a corner that I would be 'stopping his fun' by asking to come home. He assured me he really doesn't mind. I think he would prefer I did it whilst he's away because it gives him an 'excuse' to leave rather than him dropping out at the last minute. We discussed the fact that I need to do more stuff so that when he does he doesn't feel guilty/I don't resent him so that's positive. He told me he would 100% rather be with us on Sunday but I know that he will just be hungover and useless so I'll either ask him to come back tomorrow if I feel the need/have a bad night with DD or just let him stay and owe me my own weekend away soon.
"Thanks I'mnotcute good to know other people have the same feelings it's all about how you deal with them I guess! When he is away how do you make yourself feel better about it?"
Wherever possible I arrange other company for us. He's away at the moment and my mum is here. Obviously he needs to communicate to you how long he'll be away so you can make plans! Are there any little indulgences you can treat yourself to while he's away eg chocolate or nice wine?
I also have a few special things I do with the dcs when it's just us, like eat tea in front of the tv for once then all get in our pjs straight after (so that if it's a bad evening I'm ready to just climb into bed with 10 month old ds when I need to).
And I look forward to him getting home so I can hand them over!
Dont forget its not just building "me" time into your lives
Family time when your all have fun together is vital.
I don't see the weekend thing is the real issue here.
The problem seems to be that you don't have your own time out / hobbies etc that give you a break.
BUT - those things don't happen on their own - you have to make them happen.
Find something you enjoy or have done in the past and get doing it again - why does being a mum stop you?
It's important to still do things where you are identified as you not as Little Fred's mum.
The solution is not to stop your partner / H doing stuff that will only bring resentment, but is to do things yourself and just because you are married does not mean you have to do everything together.
So basically your husband gets quite a lot of free time where he gets to do what he wants (without having to worry about childcare). It is good that he makes it up to you but that means that family time is quite reduced. Would you say that you both get the same amount of free time where you get to do what you want without having to care for your child?
Although the answer to that question doesn't detract from the fact he is being unreasonable about this weekend especially as you have recently had an operation and you have all been under the weather.
If you know that your H will be happy for you to go away for a child-free jolly with your mates next weekend then let him enjoy this one. If his idea of your leisure time is you getting to meet a friend for coffee in town one afternoon once a month, while he has regular weekend jollies, then there is a problem.
Being a parent does not mean that you can't have fun any more, but it does mean that you have to balance your time a little better, and both mother and father should have the same amount of child-free, chore-free leisure time every week.
I think you need to be really explicit in what you have planned/are thinking. so you say you had planned a lovely day out on Sunday etc - had you communicated that to your OH? Or is he expected to mind read it? Did you take into account the fact that he would probably be hung over and knackered?
I have had similar issues with OH, and now we write everything on a calendar with times on it - if it isn't on the calendar, it isn't happening! If I really want us to do something, I TELL him well in advance - I find men just aren't as good at the whole thinking of everybody else thing - massive generalisation, I know, and I know some are great at it, but if you are married to one who isn't great at it, you need to be realistic about it.
I also think you need to make more time for you and find a hobby/go out once a week for you, and stick to it as rigidly as he does. I ended up in a similar situation with OH who does a martial art and football every week, and goes to them religiously - I resented him for it initially, but then realised he was fully supportive of me going out, I just had to TELL him. So now I go out to a choir once a week and usually one night a week with friends/Mum etc and just go - regardless of whether he has had a bad day, LO is grumpy, house is a mess etc etc.
finally, there are some industries where employees would be expected to attend weekend dos like this.
It can be hard when under pressure for anyone, but your dh should say no under these circumstances really.
There is plenty of time for work weekends once your baby is older and not so 24/7s. You rest is priority after all you have been through.
I think it is odd for anyone with a young family to be going to a (drunken or not) workdo that takes All Weekend! My Dh has always said no tot these things without even thinking about it, once we had babies.
It is also sad that you feel guilty for not being a wanton sex goddess, for his benefit, but....what is HE doing to make YOu feel better? Does he offer to give you a massage, spoil you? tell you how sorry he is you are going through all the cervix stuff, how he still fancies you? Has he planned a night out for just the 2 of you?
Sorry, but I don t think the problem lies with YOU at all.
and why exactly didn't he tell you in the beginning it's two nights?
OP, one night is a compromise, a weekend on the piss is something a single childless man can do, ie not yours!! Tell him one day stay the night, travel back next day, lunch timeish, then he can take over while you effectively have the day off, in bedroom with loads of chocolate and magazines!!!
Totally agree that there's pressure from work BUt he plans to leave his job early next yr anyway so I don't see why that matters. But I know he hates feeling like the odd one out.
I think what you are going through is very, very common. Nobody tells you just how much time baby takes up.
Even in the evening when your exhausted, get baby asleep, sit down to finally watch that film and.... Waaaahhh! Baby awake. Its just so hard to lose the guaranteed time to yourself. Its frustrating and exhausting.
You both need that " me" time and to get it you must, must talk very openly.
To be fair to your dh though he might be under a lot of pressure from his work to go and is afraid it will make him look less committed if he leaves early.My DH has a high pressured job and his sometimes forced to go to dinners after work etc. They make out their is a choice but deep down you know there isn't much choice is just expected and you will be frowned upon.
Thanks I'mnotcute good to know other people have the same feelings it's all about how you deal with them I guess! When he is away how do you make yourself feel better about it?
I mean that on weekends / evenings he overall does more stuff. He's in a band for example but I am supportive of this as he loves it and will make up for time when he's busy by giving me some time off. Also it's only once or twice a month and I find it an attractive quality in him.
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