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Was he Mr Right then, but not Mr Right now?

(21 Posts)
Theala Fri 07-Dec-12 09:30:50

Such as when I had a splitting headache - he wouldn't walk to the shop to get me tablets.

* I do start to wonder if my standards are just too high for any guy to live up to!*

Eh, no. Dump and move on without a backwards glance, OP. And maybe try being by yourself for a while before you get involved with anyone else. It's ok to be alone.

Scarey123 Thu 06-Dec-12 16:27:35

Thank you carlywurly - I would have never considered even starting a relationship had I have known this before I met him. And at the end of it and after such horrible break ups previously, I do start to wonder if my standards are just too high for any guy to live up to!

But hearing it hear does help me get my head out of the clouds.

carlywurly Thu 06-Dec-12 16:20:39

Seriously?? Why is there any shred of doubt that you should dump him - he sounds awful. Set your standards way higher than this for next time when you're properly ready.

Scarey123 Thu 06-Dec-12 16:12:29

I've just found out that he has joined various dating sites in the last few days - one called www.localslags.com. And - he has arranged to go out with another woman in a couple of weeks.

I know I ended it with him before, be we were supposed to be seeing if there was a future.

And I know it is me saying he isn't right for me - but I now feel really sick and hurt... I don't understand these feelings at all!!

God - relationships!!!!!

Scarey123 Thu 06-Dec-12 16:00:03

I feel sick and tearful already!!! WHY!!???

I hate this feeling :-(

It is hard Scarey - I have been there blush , but I think you'll be proud of yourself if you 'do the right thing' by you and him.

Scarey123 Thu 06-Dec-12 14:38:28

Thanks all. Bit of a mixed bag but it's been really interesting listening to you.

I do think I am being unfair on him yes. And I know I should properly end it.

I'll tell him this weekend - and buy a dog!

Thanks all
xxx

Conflugenglugen Wed 05-Dec-12 19:14:00

That would be hurtful to wait until after Christmas because you feel lonely, OP.

And I think that's the point: you don't want to be lonely, and that is how you both came together in the first place. Your grief when you broke up last week is not so much to do with the ending of this relationship as it is to do with the near certainty that you did not work through the pain of your marriage ending. No relationship is going to stand a chance until you deal with that first.

suburbophobe Wed 05-Dec-12 17:48:33

Oh, don't hold him on just to have someone for Xmas Eve.
That's cruel.

If your DDs don't like him and he won't take care of you when you're ill, why on earth prolong the agony?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 05-Dec-12 17:41:03

But i can sort of understand what the OP is saying, sometimes if you do the ripping off plaster end, you run back again. Weening isn't the worst way.

You really spend time with people you are about to dump 'because its christmas'? Blimey.

joblot Wed 05-Dec-12 17:11:42

Well I think it's fine to stay in something a while longer- this is a bobbins time of year if you're single. Everyone asks 'what are you doing for xmas' and it's awful having to say 'oh fuck all actually, but I'm so pleased youre having a fabulous family time. Enjoy!'

Grrr. So yeah, do whatever you want scarey123

AlexanderS Wed 05-Dec-12 16:41:00

Why spend a single day more with somebody you know deep down you don't want to be with? It's like pulling off a plaster - you're better to get on with and rip it off than peel it off slowly. Dump him today so you can start getting over him.

I agree with Thisisaeuphemism that it's not very fair on him either.

Um, i don't think what you are doing is very nice. It's not cheating but it's using him, isn't it. I don't get 'for obvious reasons' you might leave it til after xmas. What are the reasons?
You are attached to him, sure, but you don't respect him much. Why don't you let him move on to be with someone who likes him?

Scarey123 Wed 05-Dec-12 16:19:04

Hi everyone.. Well, the fact that you're all saying pretty much the same thing says it all really.

For obvious reasons, I might leave ending it completely until after Xmas. Don't particularly want to be on my own Christmas eve although I have already told him I want Xmas day on my own with the girls. I suppose I'm weening myself off him gradually.

Is that cheating? wink

Scarey123 Wed 05-Dec-12 16:16:48

Hi everyone.. Well, the fact that you're all saying pretty much the same thing says it all really.

For obvious reasons, I might leave ending it completely until after Xmas. Don't particularly want to be on my own Christmas eve although I have already told him I want Xmas day on my own with the girls. I suppose I'm weening myself off him gradually.

Is that cheating? wink

ladyWordy Tue 04-Dec-12 18:01:38

No, that feeling is not love - I'm not sure what it is, but attachment is the best word I can come up with right now.

For example: I don't think I'm alone in having split up from someone who treated me quite badly, in a relationship which had no future. But after a month I still wanted this man. It wasn't possible to get in touch with him, thank goodness, but I can't believe how much it hurt and that I even wanted him back.

If your relationship has no future, this pain and distress is just something you have to get through, later if not now. The best cure is another man wink.

One important point though.

When I had a splitting headache - he wouldn't walk to the shop to get me tablets <-- that is not a small thing. That is an indicator of someone who doesn't care about you, or your wellbeing. Also, your daughters don't like him. Not a good sign.

smallnotfaraway Tue 04-Dec-12 17:59:17

"My 2DD's don't like him and didn't like him being around"

...is reason enough to let go.

Don't lower your standards - being kind when you don't feel well should be second nature to someone who loves you.

You know in your heart what kind of a relationship you'd like and what kind of a person you'd like it with, and this guy doesn't seem to fit the bill. He is not the only man available on this planet, you know!

Wishing you a bit more happiness in your future. smile

ClippedPhoenix Tue 04-Dec-12 17:53:26

From what you've said he's the for-now guy.

What would do it for me is the fact that the kids don't like him.

Let it go OP.

Whodhavem Tue 04-Dec-12 17:45:55

I'm sorry to hear this but you clearly have aspirations above his and want better things. Everyone finds it hard to move on at first but it's Upto you in the end. If dd don't want to be around him and by the sounds you don't so really follow your heart. You only live once and there are loads of great guys out there.
I would personally go hunting.

Scarey123 Tue 04-Dec-12 16:50:35

Hi all.

I feel so childish and immature asking for advice on this!

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 18 months. We both met because our DD's were good friends at school and we had both recently gone through long-term marriage break ups. So, we got together with the kids a few times and developed a friendship, which turned into more!

It was very intense as we were both still hurting from our previous break ups.

I had reservations about having a relationship with him from the start. He had been a lovely friend, and the sex was amazing!! But (without being too much of a snob), his standards were much lower than mine. He doesn't really care what he wears, he doesn't care really where he lives, he doesn't have 'nice' things (not necessarily expensive) and he drives around in an old banger of a car that is always dirty. He took me out to meet his friends a couple of times and firstly, I would never have normally gone to the type of pub he took me to and secondly, his friends were people I would not normally really be friends with. Just nothing in common! I sound so shallow :-(

But, we were very close and the intimacy was lovely.

As time went on, problems crept in with things. My 2DD's don't like him and didn't like him being around so I asked him to move out and I started spending much more time with my girls on their own.

My feelings of us wanting different things (and me thinking I wouldn't get what i want from life whilst being with him) got stronger so I ended it properly a week and a half ago. I didn't really feel like he cared for me that much - or would be willing to do things for me that other people had. Such as when I had a splitting headache - he wouldn't walk to the shop to get me tablets. Such a small thing I know..

But as soon as I ended it with him, I felt completely heartbroken. I cried solidly for hours, felt rubbish, could see no happy future and basically, couldn't hold back from getting in touch with him and meeting up. I met him last night and we discussed giving it another shot which he now thinks we are going to do. Problem is, there's still this nagging feeling that I don't want to - but I cant seem to let him go!!

Is this feeling Love? Should I stay with him and work on the things that bother me and try to compromise?

Thanks - honest answers welcome!
Clare
x

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