Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh called me a fucking cunt.

(49 Posts)
sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 11:53:58

Yesterday. He was getting ready to leave for London for work yesterday..(He stays in london Mon-thursday sometimes leaving sunday night) So he was in a mood because he hates going on a sunday.
He was in upstairs bathroom and I was outside on landing ironing his shirt. DD aged 12 was coming up the stairs and he shouted at her to go get him mouthwash from down stairs bathroom. She asked him where abouts it was...He shouted "Just open your eyes and look" As he was standing next to me nearly burst my eardrum.

I turned to him and calmly said "please dont shout, she is asking because its dark in the bathroom"..(lights broke)

He glared at me and stormed back in the bathroom shouthing "fucking cunt"

DD Shouted up the stairs "dont say that to mum" and DH poked head round door glaring at me and said to me "you just cant help yourself can you"

He got in shower..i finished ironing shirt and pretended to dd that i was fine. We sat in car in silence on way to train station. I felt relief when he got out and dd and I chatted happily all the way home.
But I cant stop thinking about it and hearing the nasty way he said it. He has called me that maybe twice before in our 20 years together.
I have had no apology, no text, no email, iam not even going to pick up if he calls me this week.
Please be gentle..feeling fragile today...Am I over reacting to THAT word?

I'm sorry he's acting this way to you, I know exactly how awful it is to be subjected to. My husband is a controlling bully who is always right, never been wrong in his life either. I am stupid, don't think things through, ask idiotic questions, and fuck up constantly. And recently I was called a fuckig cunt, fuckig twat and pathetic excuse for a mother.

My divorce will be final on Wednesday morning. I highly encourage you to rethink your situation and whether you believe it can change. If you think it can, that's wonderful and work hard at it with him. If you don't, don't waste another minute of your precious life with someone that doesn't appreciate or respect you. Life is too short to be this miserable.

Why on earth would you pretend to your DD that it was ok? It's not ok! It's not ok when he calls you idiot either.

You don't need an apology. You need to sort out your marriage. If he won't stop verbally abusing you then seriously think about why you are staying in this relationship. No one deserves to be treated like this.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 20:30:18

What an arse he is. Don't put up with this any longer. He's doing it in front of your child now. He is teaching her that this is how men treat their wifes and you putting up with it validates that. I just know you want a better marriage and relationship than this for your Dd when she grows up.

Mollydoggerson Mon 03-Dec-12 15:39:54

Emotional abuse

I would text back 'Why would I wish to subject myself or dd to any further verbal abuse? We would both be happy to have some respite and perhaps you could stay in London this weekend.'

sallyanne this is verbal abuse.

Which is classified as domestic abuse.

Some people are surprised to hear that. Did you know that verbal abuse is bad, and people shouldn't do it? Specifically, the way he speaks to you is bad, and he shouldn't speak to you like that? You don't deserve it. It is wrong and he is a bad person.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 14:24:35

His text reminds me of my ex, who in the morning after he did something nasty (can't remember what it was), asked me to prepare his breakfast (which I had never done, unless it was cooked and for both, and not even his mum used to do).
It's like they want to know if they managed to put you down enough.

He got a WTF look and a not a chance reply.

Our marriage didn't last much after those events.

It's up to you if you want to carry on and accept his nasty behaviour towards you.

rockinaroundthebadtasteflump Mon 03-Dec-12 14:15:36

Agree with others that you need much more than just an apology. And sadly it is telling of how much he controls you that you are scared of saying " No I dont" because it could 'get his back up'.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 03-Dec-12 14:13:30

Put-downs and name-calling are abuse.

You also describe him as a bully, and a man who always has to be right - hallmarks of abuse. Abuse is about control and domination.

The only thing you can do is educate yourself (here is a good start) and surround yourself with support: friends you can talk to, GP, therapist for counselling if you feel confused and ground down and would like to talk through your feelings and options with a neutral profesisonal, Women's Aid for a friendly listening ear and advice, solicitor if you want to start exploring your legal and financial options for getting out...

He won't change, nor will he accept responsibility for his own behaviour. You need to decide when enough is enough for you. And how best to protect your daughter.

KristinaM Mon 03-Dec-12 14:10:57

Im sorry, but your marriage needs more than an apology

Do you want to stay with him Sally?

Bumpsadaisie Mon 03-Dec-12 14:08:29

Stop playing around with "ignoring" him etc.

Tell him loud and clear that his behaviour was revolting, you will not stand for it, he ought to be ashamed of himself and it is certainly not "business as usual" in your relationship until such time as he makes amends.

schobe Mon 03-Dec-12 14:08:19

You're even scared of sending that response in case it 'gets his back up'.

This is worse than you think you know. Most of us don't have to live that way.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 03-Dec-12 14:07:02

He sounds like a spoilt child who gets the rest of the family pussyfooting around him because he feels so hard done to about having to work.

You were ironing his shirt. Your DD was doing an errand for him. He spoke to you both in a disgusting way.

If my DH called me a fucking cunt in front of my DD while I was ironing his shirt I would have gone absolutely mental.

DH always apologises like an adult if he has been snappy and unreasonable. You ought to expect the same.

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 14:04:47

I have replied "no I dont" to his text. Iam taking a chance, that could get his back up..but I dont want to just sweep this under the carpet. I want to address that I need to have a proper apology.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 14:04:09

I'd reply saying, I don't know why you would want to spend a weekend with a cunt like me.

Or just No.

He is asking if "you" want to see, and a "cheap" weekend.
Oh, the romance...

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 14:01:11

He texted..Do i want to see if there is a cheap weekend away we can all go on before christmas?..(not totallyout of the blue we had talked about this saturday.) I take it he is going with the carry on as normal and pretend it didnt happen tactic? I havent replied...just cried. Am I really not even worth an apology? Iam not even surprised. It was either this tactic or blaming me and being angry with me. because he is never at fault.

sallyanne

So why do you stay within this?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you with him?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, her dad is certainly imparting damaging lessons on relationships to this young person. He is neither a good dad nor a decent husband.

This is not the role model you really want her to emulate when she is herself an adult is it?. It is not your fault he is emotionally abusive but you do not have to prolong your own miseries by remaining with someone like this. Such men do not change; he regards you as a lesser person.

i think ignoring him this week is a good idea... and its good that he's away as you can use this time to think things through.

there is no way i would be with a guy that called me names, put me down and was rude and disrespectful towards me. that is not what a marriage/relationship is about. and that word... ugh... just no! i hate it!

i think you really need to think about what you want. whether you are happy to continue living with his behaviour and put downs or whether you want a change either with or without him.

one thing that would worry me though is if he treats your daughter the same way... or whether you're worried that he might one day start on her as well. its not just you that is being affected, its her too. and fair play to her for sticking up for you too. have you spoken to her at all about how she feels about his behaviour? might be worth having a talk with her, it might make decision making a bit easier

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 12:52:03

Sorry, cross-post. I think you need to hear what he has to say and address it. Leaving the discussion for a day or two will not make it easier and you need to confront him on this.

Sallyingforth Mon 03-Dec-12 12:51:54

I would send him a text: "I don't want to hear anything from you except an apology to DD and myself."

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 12:49:47

That is completely unacceptable behaviour OP, talking to you like that is bad enough, the 'idiot' comments etc, but to speak like that in front of your daughter is awful. He should have immediately apologised to you and to her.

I don't think keeping quiet is good enough - you need to tell him he can't talk to you like that. Your daughter needs to get the message that talking like that to anyone (but especially a wife, mother etc) is absolutely not ok. From the sound of it, the next tirade could be directed towards her and then what would you do?

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:46:12

He just called my mobile. I ignored. Dont feel ready to hear anything he has to say. and dont want him to just carry on like it didnt happen.

What a nasty piece of work. And you stay with him why?

I'd have ironed a big hole in his shirt, or maybe in his brain!

Ephiny Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:45

I don't think you're over-reacting. What a vile and aggressive way to speak to you, and even more horrible that he'd do it in front of a child.

If it was a case of saying something he didn't mean in the heat of the moment and under stress, there should be massive apologies and trying to make it up to you and promise it won't happen again. The fact that he makes out it's your fault is not good.

rockinaroundthebadtasteflump Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:45

Are you a roofer by trade then OP? hmm

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical violence. Do you have a support network around you, ie friends, family who know the situation and you can talk to about it?

ouryve Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:03

He might not be hitting you, but really, I can't say enough, that IS no way to live, sallyanne. He might not be violent, but the way he's treating you IS abusive.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now