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Gutted - My 'Wedding Day' is off.

(68 Posts)
bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 09:50:19

I feel so stupid for being upset when there are real problems going on in the world but would love some help to try and get my situation into perspective. 10 years ago my husband and I wanted to get married but we were extremely strapped financially so decided to simply go to a registry office and get married officially and then re-say our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We had 4 guests on the day (his family), (I don't have any family but I did want some of my friends but we agreed they could go to the proper wedding). I had no dress, bouquet, nothing. We did have a couple of photos taken but that was that.
We already had two children together so I was happy that we all had the same name and we felt like a proper family.
Every year I have asked my husband to acknowledge our wedding anniversary and he has refused until this year. Year 10 when we were supposed to be having a wedding day (v small still but better than nothing). He point blank refused but said we could go to Budapest for the weekend instead. We went and he was a nightmare. He smelt and dressed like a tramp. So much for a romantic weekend away.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year because he had been very verbally abusive and I told him that I wouldn't wear my ring until he stopped abusing me, and that I would wear it again when we said our vows again. He has mostly stopped being abusive but last night I tried to talk about our 'wedding day' to reassure him that I would be happy to keep it small he got really nasty and told me he had made a mistake getting married in the first place.
I guess I just wanted to feel special and loved for the day and now that's off and I feel stupid for being so tearful.
I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.
But I wish I didn't feel so gutted.
Thanks for letting me babble on....

badguider Fri 21-Dec-12 22:52:28

Well done! Your example is so important for your DDs now - they need to learn that a woman should not tolerate being treated badly by a man. And if you do this then you will show them that.

bluetufty Fri 21-Dec-12 22:13:43

Thank you izzyizin smile

izzyizin Fri 14-Dec-12 22:39:42

Praise be and sing hallelujah! Long may the light burn bright for you.

bluetufty Fri 14-Dec-12 22:32:58

I wish you had asked for help GinSoakedMulberryLush because they were so helpful in both the practical terms e.g. These are your options and how they could support me through it all - going through solicitors etc., what the refuge would be like,making an emergency plan. They can't tell you what you should do, as in, 'you should get divorced', but they can help you think it through.

And then they were really understanding of what I was going through. The message I heard loud and clear was to take care of myself. And to recognise that even though I am being strong now, it wouldn't take much for me to crumble. I know that.

I have the 24 hour number and also the woman I spoke to gave me her mobile. They really were wonderful and I have rung them a couple of times since just to chat things through.
It is such a relief.

As for my husband, he is on a 'I'm being nice to you now' phase. But I am not going around that merry go round again! We have agreed to have a serious discussion in the new year, but I have been able to stand up to him since and he knows that I am not going to put up with any more rubbish from him.

And by the way, the wedding is the last thing on my mind now! I've seen the light smile

stuffitunderthebed Fri 14-Dec-12 06:38:31

How are you getting on OP? Still staying strong I hope?

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sun 09-Dec-12 09:57:11

@ bluetufty, what did WA tell you to do then? curious because I never had the courage to ask for their help, or identify myself as being somebody they would /could help and I regretthat now. So what did they say? practical / emotional?

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sun 09-Dec-12 09:55:24

Flogging, yeah, we've moved on from that...................

anonacfr Sun 09-Dec-12 07:24:55

Erm, have you actually read the whole thread? hmm

Floggingmolly Sat 08-Dec-12 20:36:37

Get a little perspective, fgs. Your marriage sounds like a crock of shit, and you're upset about your "Wedding Day"? hmm

bluetufty Sat 08-Dec-12 20:19:21

Oh my gosh, no I haven't had the physical aggression, but I have had that cup of tea thing too!!!

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sat 08-Dec-12 18:06:29

Good for you. Believe in your own right to call time. Do not be bullied into doing what suits him. March to the beat of your own drum. You tried (and you tried and you tried and you tried).

The pretending nothing happened is amazing. My x would kick down doors to get at me, and he even put his hands around my neck once and squeezed.... I was scared for a few seconds that he was going to lose control. But then, five minutes after the 'hands around my throat' incident, he made me a cup of tea and acted injured and aggrieved when I took it and poured it down the sink. He was cross with me because I rejected his cup of tea!!!!! You couldn't make it up.

I know you haven't mentioned physical aggression but the cycle of tension, explosion, 'conciliation', calmness is the same.

bluetufty Sat 08-Dec-12 16:29:45

Well thank you everyone for being there for me and my DD's. I did go to WA and they gave me such good advice and support. I have spent the last couple of days doing sorting out a plan of action and getting financial advice / solicitor etc.
It's made me feel a lot stronger.
I think you are all right in having that plan in place before I tell him, because I know that when I do, I will mean it. And he won't accept it. So I also have a 'going to a refuge' plan too.

As always when things get nasty they then go around in a circle because pretends that nothing has happened and denies ever saying anything.

It feels very different this time, because I feel that I have got to the stage that I don't want to stay on this roundabout any longer.
I'm still terrified about going through it all, but I know that slowly but surely will see both me and my girls out of this.

I really do appreciate all the comments. I'm going to keep coming back to the post to remind myself that I can do this smile

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Fri 07-Dec-12 07:31:48

hope you're ok bluetufty, if for some reason you didn't get to the apt, don't worry! don't feel you can't come back and update us!

stuffitunderthebed Thu 06-Dec-12 17:52:03

Hope appointment went well. Get out whilst you and your DDs are still young enough to forge a new and happy future without a man who just doesn't care enough. Good luck OP.

BerylStreep Thu 06-Dec-12 17:42:30

Hey Bluetufty, I just want to say how horrid your DH sounds. I'm so glad you are thinking about taking control of your life.

I would just add one thing, make sure you have your ducks in a row before you tell him the marriage is over. This means seeing solicitor and WA beforehand, and formulating a plan. The temptation is that when you make the decision for yourself, you may want to tell him straight away, before you have plans in place.

Mu1berries Thu 06-Dec-12 16:40:53

How did you get on this morning bluetufty?

greenrabbits Thu 06-Dec-12 12:58:35

You do NOT have to stay married! Just wanted to add my voice.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 19:32:48

yeah, get the ball rolling. the first time i left my x (and went back :-[ blush fool fool fool ) he then used to refer to my "tinpot parade". He'd promised all sorts to 'win' me back, and then later refered to that as my tinpot parade. grrr.

so yeah, lawyer up. wine

Lueji Wed 05-Dec-12 14:44:04

I'd also say that once you decide and tell him you want to separate, don't just leave it like that.
Start discussing arrangements, give him your solicitor contact (or mediator), and start the ball rolling.
Otherwise you'll be waiting for him to agree to a separation and I bet he simply won't.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:43:24

ps read this so that you believe it grin

"I bluetufty (say your real name!) do not need MrBluetufty's approval to end this relationship. I don't need his permission to end this relationship. I don't need his understanding to end this relationship' I don't need his blessing to end this relationship'. It is my absolute right to end a relationship that makes me unhappy."

Please humour me here and read that out loud to yourself (saying your own name!). Read and do it FIVE TIMES! HUMOUR ME HERE PLEASE.

Then, when you've done that, practise saying out loud in your head what you will say to him when you tell him it's over. Imagine him responding and imagine yourself NOT justifying, explaining, defending your decision.

Get your own stock phrases that can't be argued with.

Read these out.

I do not want this marriage anymore.
I want this relationship to end.
I want to live apart.

Pick your own (things that can't be argued with, no criticism of him, make it all about you). And repeat them in your head.

Visualise yourself resisting that habit of defending your decision. He is not your boss. He can't tear up your resignation!!! This is a decision that you can make on your own.

What he thinks of you is none of your business from now on. You don't need to waste your energy trying to make him understand.

brew + biscuit apologies if I've gone overboard here, but this is the way I wish I'd handled it. I only learnt how to deal with my x after I left him. I know now though! and luckily I don't give a fuck what he thinks of me. He can think I am Satan Katona if he likes. dont.care.

Now read it again, rinse and repeat!

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 12:41:16

Good luck, op. I'm really proud of you for seeing this through (sorry, I know that's daft cos we've never met, but you sound v brave and your daughters will be proud of you)

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:32:21

yes, go along with that. Just keep your own thoughts private and go into 'put up and shut up' mode'.

There's nothing to 'discuss' as in a discussion that wiill lead to an issue being resolved. I think you know now that things can't be resolved. You have spent ten years trying to resolve things and it hasn't worked up 'til now.

The decision to end things is yours, you have the power to make that decision. Whether he listens or not is out of your hands, whether he believes you mean it or not is out of your hands. But your decision to call time on the relationship is not something he can 'discuss' you out of.

After you've talked to WA and they've advised you a bit more I hope you will feel better. They have exit plans and exit strategies...

I'll be checking in tomorrow afternoon to see how your appointment with WA goes. I hpe they make you feel better. I know that sick feeling. I remember it well. Adrenaline, fight before the flight! Channel it! That energy is yours. YOu've wasted so much energy for a decade trying to 'manage' him, his moods, trying to look on the bright side........... Once you get past the agro and the adjustment and the bullshit life is going to be so much easier. x

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Dec-12 12:31:31

Well done tufty for recognising what needs to be done and squaring up to do it. He has clearly told you that he regrets getting married in the first place, so what you are doing is being the one strong and brave enough to do something about it at last. Time to see a solicitor to talk through practical stuff too, as Agatha suggests. You've been hoping for more from the marriage for so long, be prepared for feeling regret for 'what might have been' - but as you say, you don't have that, and you can't carry on as you are. Keep posting! X

bluetufty Wed 05-Dec-12 12:04:13

Thank you again everyone for being there for me. The past couple of days have been dreadful. I tried to discuss things with him, but he wouldn't listen and got annoyed because I was dragging things up. Then yesterday he pretended that everything was fine again and was being nice.
That always happens. And I keep quiet because I just want some peace.
But then today it all set off again, because I stood up for myself.
I know I minimise his behaviour and I really appreciate the suggestions from you on how to talk with him (Mulberries you are spot on!)
My appointment with WA is tomorrow morning.
I know that I can't possibly carry on feeling this horrid.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 07:39:05

when's the apt with WA? is it today? I hope you feel better after bluetufty. You are probably in the habit of minimising his hbehaviour, but be really honest and break the habit of a decade when you tell them what it's REALLY like.

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