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Gutted - My 'Wedding Day' is off.

(68 Posts)
bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 09:50:19

I feel so stupid for being upset when there are real problems going on in the world but would love some help to try and get my situation into perspective. 10 years ago my husband and I wanted to get married but we were extremely strapped financially so decided to simply go to a registry office and get married officially and then re-say our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We had 4 guests on the day (his family), (I don't have any family but I did want some of my friends but we agreed they could go to the proper wedding). I had no dress, bouquet, nothing. We did have a couple of photos taken but that was that.
We already had two children together so I was happy that we all had the same name and we felt like a proper family.
Every year I have asked my husband to acknowledge our wedding anniversary and he has refused until this year. Year 10 when we were supposed to be having a wedding day (v small still but better than nothing). He point blank refused but said we could go to Budapest for the weekend instead. We went and he was a nightmare. He smelt and dressed like a tramp. So much for a romantic weekend away.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year because he had been very verbally abusive and I told him that I wouldn't wear my ring until he stopped abusing me, and that I would wear it again when we said our vows again. He has mostly stopped being abusive but last night I tried to talk about our 'wedding day' to reassure him that I would be happy to keep it small he got really nasty and told me he had made a mistake getting married in the first place.
I guess I just wanted to feel special and loved for the day and now that's off and I feel stupid for being so tearful.
I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.
But I wish I didn't feel so gutted.
Thanks for letting me babble on....

tribpot Mon 03-Dec-12 13:49:22

What on earth would you want to celebrate on a 'wedding day' with this person?

MrsFlibble Mon 03-Dec-12 13:55:14

OP, Sounds like you signed up for servitude than a marriage, do you think your daughters will be grateful to you, for staying with a man who is a abusive?, what book did you read that says that for the DD's to have a dad, there has to be a marriage?,

Leave the man and be happy, your girls will benefit from it.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 03-Dec-12 13:59:20

Oh you sound so unhappy. You have been holding out for 10 years for this one day where you thought he would step up to the mark and make you feel loved.

10 years of waiting for one good day. No wonder you are upset. But I think you are focusing too much on the event and the day itself, while really your focus should be on the state of your marriage. Keep that ring off, and speak to womans aid.

OP I hope you get good advice from Women's Aid and it helps you leave this horrible man.

Reading what you have written is so so sad and heartbreaking.

You do not have to live your life like this. Your DDs will thank you if you leave him. They won't thank you if you stay.

JuliaScurr Mon 03-Dec-12 14:18:47

rightsofwomen.org

does what it says on the tin

sad
he turned out to be a git. sadly, many do. you'll find a better one smile
brew

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 14:27:52

I can't tell you how much you are all helping. Thank you Mulberries for sharing what you went through because that is exactly what I am going through and thinking.

ratbagcatbag Mon 03-Dec-12 14:39:22

With regards to you needing to be with him so he can be a dad, let me offer a different view. My DH was with his ex for a few years and the had a DS. Both my DH and his ex could really wind each other up, provoking each other for the argument. (I'm good friends with DH ex so she agrees she was as bad) it was never physical but lots of sniping nasty sarcasm, as a result they very rarely did stuff as a family anyway. They split ten years ago. My DH is an amazing dad, sees ds for 50% of week and now has a fab relationship with his ex. Both agree they didn't work but separately they both parent really well. I have a 14 yo DSS who's well balanced and happy which both parents agree wouldn't have happened if they'd stayed together as the relationship problems would have had a negative impact. It can work. oh and no nasty sniping either as both know the other will absolutely not tolerate it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 15:53:27

OP, it looks like you are very receptive to looking at your relationship without rose-tinted specs. Could you call a friend or two and get some great support in RL ?

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 16:56:53

I agree that to continue to push for The Big Day after all he has done to you, pretty much tells your dh that you will swallow whatever shit he flings at you and beg for more.

Don't be that woman.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 18:04:41

It's great to be getting such helpful advice here especially regarding the children. That has been my greatest fear that they will be damaged by a split and it will be my fault. But from what you are all saying it can also be a good thing to separate.

I know deep down he's not going to change and he's not going to take separating easily, which is why I'm going to keep my appointment with Women's Aid on Thursday and get some support.
I'm pretty isolated where I am and something tells me I'm going to need as much help as I can get.
Thanks everyone.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 03-Dec-12 18:24:45

I hope they can help you. I'm glad you are looking into how to get help and have taken on board how damaging this current situation is, to you and your girls.

JuliaScurr Tue 04-Dec-12 12:52:36

blutufty come back and tell us how you get on smile

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 12:56:36

good for you. I found it so hard to break up. it was like a court case. He just wouldn't accept it. It was like i had no right to be the one to make that decision. in his head, he could have made it for both of us, but me make a decision taht affected him!?! no way. so he tried to bully me back. and then he send a puny box of chocolates and tried to be nice for a while, and then he couldn't keep that up for long so then he got angry with me that i wouldn't just forget about it all and give him anothr chance. how dare I ?

So make sure you are flanked by WA

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 13:02:46

ps i advise that when you tell him it's over, don't say (for example) "it's because of the time you called me a cunt" because what happens then is,,, he will respond 'but you deserved it because....

Stick, as much as is possible to what can't be argued with.

I don't want this relationship any more. I don't want to share my future with you. The atmosphere is dreadful. I am miserable. I can't live with you any more.

Make it about YOU, but things that can't be argued with. If he says "what the fuck do you mean you don't want this relationship, you're the one who wanted to get married you're the one who blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. ' RESIST the temptation to get caught up in too much explanation.

If he believes that you still feel you need his 'approval' to end the relationship you will be going round in circles for hours. That's how it was for me. I spent months asking for his permission to end things. then finally left with two kids and a rucksack and he forgets what went before it!! he only remembers me abducting the children (his language).

So, keep it simple. I want out. This is over. The TOTAL opposite of what you might be dying to try and make him understand. I think as women we want people/men (x partners) to understand that we didn't end something on a whim. But I think you'd be wasting your breath looking for his understanding or approval. You don't need it and that is the whole point!

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer Tue 04-Dec-12 13:15:50

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. I just wanted to tell you that I left my first husband after our marriage became untenable. My two children were 9 and 7 when we split. It was difficult emotionally for them in the beginning, but they came through with professional assistance and tonnes of support through family and friends. Now, in their teens both of them continue to have a relationship with their father. Divorce is painful but staying together with my first husband would have been a disaster for all involved.
I am thinking about you..good luck in whatever decision you make..

Lueji Tue 04-Dec-12 13:30:17

Fully agree with Mu1berries.

Do not discuss separating. Or the specific reasons.
Tell him it's going to happen.

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 13:40:55

Just adding, instead of "the atmosphere is dreadful" say "I find the atmosphere dreadful".

Think about the few phrases you are going to use that spell it out loud and loud and yet can't be argued with.

I feel the atmosphere is terrible
I dont want this anymore
I don't love you
I want to end this.

All about you. NO criticism of him to make him even MORE defensive.

AgathaF Tue 04-Dec-12 14:50:05

Please don't stay with this abusive excuse for a man, and especially don't stay for your daughters' sake. They are learning that adult relationships are abusive and unequal.

If this was one of your daughters, experiencing an unhappy life with a man who was verbally abusive, who refused to celebrate their life together etc, what would you say to her? Would you say "stay and put up with it" or would you say "leave and be happy"? It's an easy one to answer, I think.

Well done for being proactive and contacting WA. I really hope they offer you support and help. Might be a good idea to book a free half hour with a solicitor or two also.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 07:39:05

when's the apt with WA? is it today? I hope you feel better after bluetufty. You are probably in the habit of minimising his hbehaviour, but be really honest and break the habit of a decade when you tell them what it's REALLY like.

bluetufty Wed 05-Dec-12 12:04:13

Thank you again everyone for being there for me. The past couple of days have been dreadful. I tried to discuss things with him, but he wouldn't listen and got annoyed because I was dragging things up. Then yesterday he pretended that everything was fine again and was being nice.
That always happens. And I keep quiet because I just want some peace.
But then today it all set off again, because I stood up for myself.
I know I minimise his behaviour and I really appreciate the suggestions from you on how to talk with him (Mulberries you are spot on!)
My appointment with WA is tomorrow morning.
I know that I can't possibly carry on feeling this horrid.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Dec-12 12:31:31

Well done tufty for recognising what needs to be done and squaring up to do it. He has clearly told you that he regrets getting married in the first place, so what you are doing is being the one strong and brave enough to do something about it at last. Time to see a solicitor to talk through practical stuff too, as Agatha suggests. You've been hoping for more from the marriage for so long, be prepared for feeling regret for 'what might have been' - but as you say, you don't have that, and you can't carry on as you are. Keep posting! X

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:32:21

yes, go along with that. Just keep your own thoughts private and go into 'put up and shut up' mode'.

There's nothing to 'discuss' as in a discussion that wiill lead to an issue being resolved. I think you know now that things can't be resolved. You have spent ten years trying to resolve things and it hasn't worked up 'til now.

The decision to end things is yours, you have the power to make that decision. Whether he listens or not is out of your hands, whether he believes you mean it or not is out of your hands. But your decision to call time on the relationship is not something he can 'discuss' you out of.

After you've talked to WA and they've advised you a bit more I hope you will feel better. They have exit plans and exit strategies...

I'll be checking in tomorrow afternoon to see how your appointment with WA goes. I hpe they make you feel better. I know that sick feeling. I remember it well. Adrenaline, fight before the flight! Channel it! That energy is yours. YOu've wasted so much energy for a decade trying to 'manage' him, his moods, trying to look on the bright side........... Once you get past the agro and the adjustment and the bullshit life is going to be so much easier. x

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 12:41:16

Good luck, op. I'm really proud of you for seeing this through (sorry, I know that's daft cos we've never met, but you sound v brave and your daughters will be proud of you)

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:43:24

ps read this so that you believe it grin

"I bluetufty (say your real name!) do not need MrBluetufty's approval to end this relationship. I don't need his permission to end this relationship. I don't need his understanding to end this relationship' I don't need his blessing to end this relationship'. It is my absolute right to end a relationship that makes me unhappy."

Please humour me here and read that out loud to yourself (saying your own name!). Read and do it FIVE TIMES! HUMOUR ME HERE PLEASE.

Then, when you've done that, practise saying out loud in your head what you will say to him when you tell him it's over. Imagine him responding and imagine yourself NOT justifying, explaining, defending your decision.

Get your own stock phrases that can't be argued with.

Read these out.

I do not want this marriage anymore.
I want this relationship to end.
I want to live apart.

Pick your own (things that can't be argued with, no criticism of him, make it all about you). And repeat them in your head.

Visualise yourself resisting that habit of defending your decision. He is not your boss. He can't tear up your resignation!!! This is a decision that you can make on your own.

What he thinks of you is none of your business from now on. You don't need to waste your energy trying to make him understand.

brew + biscuit apologies if I've gone overboard here, but this is the way I wish I'd handled it. I only learnt how to deal with my x after I left him. I know now though! and luckily I don't give a fuck what he thinks of me. He can think I am Satan Katona if he likes. dont.care.

Now read it again, rinse and repeat!

Lueji Wed 05-Dec-12 14:44:04

I'd also say that once you decide and tell him you want to separate, don't just leave it like that.
Start discussing arrangements, give him your solicitor contact (or mediator), and start the ball rolling.
Otherwise you'll be waiting for him to agree to a separation and I bet he simply won't.

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