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Sex once or twice a year.....for 10 years. My sex drive and my long-suffering dh.

(31 Posts)
HoorayForHollywood Sun 02-Dec-12 11:16:18

Have namechanged for this.

I just don't where to begin to fix this. I'm deeply embarrassed to admit it even here with a nc, but dh and I don't have a sex life at all, once or twice a year we make love, that's it. On one of those occasions I conceived dc2 now age 8.
I have NO sex drive whatsoever. I love dh very very very much and I really WANT to express that sexually but I have completely lost whatever it is that makes people want to have sex blush. I don't know how dh has managed through this time, I really don't. He loves me deeply and somehow that's held him here in a sexless marriage, plus his own parents divorced and he vowed never to put his own children through that, so I know that holds him here too. He stopped initiating sex years ago because he said the constant rejection is hurtful.
I keep thinking day after day after day I have to get my act together otherwise he will leave and he has every reason to. He didn't sign up to a sexless marriage. It isn't a loveless one, although I am rarely physically intimate either.
I think the cause may lie in my childhood, but I'm not sure. My mum had serious mental health problems which were largely untreated and I experienced physical (not sexual) and emotional abuse.
She killed herself 11 years ago and almost overnight, I stopped having sex with dh. I had a lot of counselling to come to terms with what she did and what I went through whilst she was alive. Dh and I also went to relate for couples counselling to deal with the fallout that her death caused.
But still no sex life and this is entirely down to me. Dh is endlessly patient about it and has somehow accepted this existence.
I had a long term relationship prior to dh and a few years into that, the sex disappeared, but that's because I fell out of love with him. He turned out to be pretty weird and was thoroughly disliked by all my family and friends who knew he wasn't right for me, but I was in denial about it for years and didn't get the courage up to end it for years until I just saw sense one day.
I don't know what to do, things cannot go on like this. How the hell do I get my sex drive back. I love dh, I'm sexually attracted to him still. What do I do?

Darkesteyes Wed 05-Dec-12 00:30:01

That is very true. Most of the time im dealing with it ok just carrying on with life and other times i go through a shaky weepy stage like i am at the moment.
I miss hugs physical touch and the intimacy rather than the sex act. I miss being loved and wanted so so much.
At the moment im finding it really hard to watch love scenes on tv too. At the same time i sometimes cant tear myself away. Its like picking a scab. It gets so confusing.

HoorayForHollywood Wed 05-Dec-12 01:10:09

SummerDad, my dh has talked about some of the feelings you describe.
He does know that I care about the way he feels about the situation. I get very emotional talking about it with him at times. He can see that it hurts that I am causing him sadness, unhappiness and a myriad of other negative things because of my problem. I've tried to think about if the situation was reversed, and I wonder if I would cope as dh has/does. I do think I should have faced this earlier, rather than hoping I'd wake up at some point with my sex drive restored. I've known I need professional help for some time but haven't wanted to face any more counselling, however different the form of counselling might be. That's been a massive barrier, I am very scared about more therapy situations, dh realises this, but I have realised I need to face up to more if I want to save my marriage.

Narked Wed 05-Dec-12 02:44:36

'She killed herself 11 years ago and almost overnight, I stopped having sex with dh.'

It's not something that's going to be resolved with gels or pushing yourself to have more sex. The block you have is emotional. I really think you need to get some professional help to deal with some of the things you've kept bottled up since your mother's death. It will hurt to address those feelings, but keeping them in is also hurting you.

NutellaNutter Wed 05-Dec-12 12:45:15

My dh and I are now in a sexless marriage. Luckily we both have very low sex drives, so it's not a problem. But I can see how it would be a problem if my dh had a high sex drive and I didn't.

Still, I don't see that I have a 'problem' as such, that needs 'fixing'. I am well into my 40s now and my sex drive has just dropped off as I've got older. I see myself now as a mostly asexual person. I am happy with that, and I don't want to go back to being the more sexual person that I was before. If my dh suddenly started wanting regular sex again I really don't know what I'd do.

SummerDad Wed 05-Dec-12 20:39:33

NutellaNutter Lucky you!

HoorayForHollywood Thu 06-Dec-12 00:46:43

Dh doesn't have a really high sex drive, just a normal one (I think, not sure I'm a great judge of normal hmm).
It's not fair on him, whatever the reason for my problem and his understanding. Fairness in a relationship is really important.

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