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Husband had a lap dance....?!?

(595 Posts)
Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 01:55:08

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

LadyWidmerpool Sat 01-Dec-12 09:58:47

OP your husband ought to be willing to discuss things with you and it's not on for him to get annoyed when you raise this. Every relationship is different with different expectations and that's fine but both partners need to be on the same page about what is acceptable. And you can't be if you can't discuss things openly. Try to keep calm. Also with regard to your feelings about your body - remember what a miraculous thing it has done in carrying your baby and giving birth (in whatever way.) You might never look the same again but every stretch mark is a badge of honour. Your husband ought to feel the same. Congratulations on your baby.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 10:09:08

Thank you all so much, I didn't expect quite the response!!

I think thru reading everything you've all said I think it's the hurt of him not telling me, as I say we've always been very honest, on his work Christmas parties in the past when girls have come onto him he told me straight away and told me how he had dismissed them and reassures me how much he loved me which although peeved at girls cos they knew he had a gf, I respected this cos he told me! Him not telling me just makes me think there's more to it or that he was really enjoying it and doesnt want to admit that. He said his reasons for not telling me was that in the following weeks we were getting married and he isn't want me upset in the lead up to this, which I can see his reasons for, and then I guess when would have been right to tell me after that?!? I dunno I guess some responses will be that be knows he did wrong otherwise there wouldn't have been a problem telling me, or as I discussed before would I have been as bothered if he had of just been honest at the time?

He is a really loving caring husband and I really want to get past this, I think it's just that I've seen this other side to him which I really didn't think existed, but then I think maybe I have been naive and guess the pictures they're sending is just a boy thing to do?! I'm probably in the wrong anyway for looking at his phone in the first place?!

I think I'm gonna have to have a chat with him and hope he doesn't dismiss the conversation, if I just tell him what's hurt me and take it from there. We have a beautiful son now and I don't want to ruin any time with him in his first few weeks so really want to get past this sooner rather than later. I hope he'll be honest and tell me things straight, even if he was to say yeah she was hot and it was exciting for him, but......(and follow it with is reasons why he's not still thinking about it, or wanting to go back and that he's happy with plain old wobbly bellied me!).

We'll see how that one goes!! Thanks again everyone xxx

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 10:20:40

Just to add about the texts as I was busy writing while other comments were going up, they've of famous people, usually pics of daily mail or such like where their boobs are hanging out etc! Comments have been fairly boyish to some degree, but dare I say it as I know there will be a response, but he has said things like 'yeah mate I've got that in the spank bank', ugh that wasn't nice to write or read at the time! :-( we've always had a good sexual relationship, especially when TTC (!!!), that worried me that I'm not satisfying him and that when he has resorted to this he's not even thinking of me!? I should just stop checking his phone, what the eyes don't see the heart don't grieve about!?

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 10:25:25

" on his work Christmas parties in the past when girls have come onto him he told me straight away and told me how he had dismissed them and reassures me how much he loved me which although peeved at girls cos they knew he had a gf, I respected this cos he told me!"

Eugh

He really sounds like a creep.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 10:28:53

He sounds very unappealing.

When you say "boyish" do you mean objectionable sexist behaviour normally displayed by total losers?

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 10:38:40

You have been together over eleven years, married for over three and have a lovely baby. Before reading those texts were you happy? Is he a good husband and father? Is he loving and attentive? If the answers to my questions are 'yes' then take on board the advice the majority of posters have given. AThing, whilst we are all entitled to our opinion, I really don't see how repeatedly calling the OP's husband a 'creep' and a 'loser' etc is helpful. Do you have any advice for her regarding how she feels about her current situation?

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 10:45:16

My advice is that now that the lapdance has tipped her off to the kind of man she married, she should wake up and smell the misogynist and not go back to sleep pretending that this is a decent man.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 10:49:45

Fair enough.

SackGirl Sat 01-Dec-12 10:56:59

I don't think you are over-reacting, or naive - I think it's pure filth men thinking they can be in a loving relationship and then disrespect their partner like that. A lot of men use the excuse 'everyone does it' which seems to them to be a reason/justification to hurt their partner, disrespect them and basically treat them as doormats.
A lot of women say 'I trust my partner so it's okay' ... Which I have never understood - They are basically implying that if you trust your partner then you would let them get off to other women because afterall 'boys will be boys' but I'm sorry that's just ridiculous. What about self respect? I don't want to be with someone who cares that little about my feelings. Whether you trust them or not isn't the issue. The issue is them being pigs!!
It seems like today's society enforces the fact that men NEED to do this for their sanity, when really they are just being greedy arses.
Tell him NOT all men do it (and anyone that thinks all men are like that need a reality check and maybe a new partner) A lot of men do of course, but there are some decent real men out there.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 10:58:25

Stuffit, yeah the answers to the questions would be yes. I think it is useful having Athings opinion too tho actually because in my mind in response to the comments I'm thinking, no he's not like that, of all my friends partners hes always been the most kind, thoughtful and caring one, one of my best friends long term boyfriend left her in town once and my hubby insisted rather than her get a cab on her own that we drive her home with added an hour to our journey but he said if the situation was reversed and I was in town on my own he would want to make sure I got home safe, her bf was just miserable and didn't want to hang around and wait another hour or so, selfish bugger that he is!!

I can scratch some of the boyish comments off as I can see then for what they are, harmless banter between boys! The spank bank comment hurt the most, wish I'd never bloody looked at his phone!!!

SackGirl Sat 01-Dec-12 10:58:59

and Athing... i personally agree with you - Who do these pigs think they are? A woman who has beared his child for 9 months, then gone through labour for the new life that they will both enjoy and he's oggling women in pictures - Get a grip and grow up he's a married man not a 14 year old boy

dequoisagitil Sat 01-Dec-12 10:59:16

I don't think it's particularly wrong to look through your dh's phone - I think it's normal to be able to use each other's phones & email etc. Don't get caught up in the 'wrongness' of what you did.

I do think you've been obsessing about this lap-dance and perhaps once things have settled down hormonally, you'll feel less worried about it.

That said, I do not like your dh's dismissive response and I really hate the picture swapping - it's ugly, sexist behaviour. Is he a man or a teenager?

SackGirl Sat 01-Dec-12 11:01:09

I'm not saying its enough to break up over Hitchy - but I wouldnt lay down and say 'ok I accept it' if he is that nice, he will respect that you don't want him to do it, it's not a neccessity and so he can stop it, if it doesn't bring anything important to his life and brings upset to you why would he continue to do it if he is so lovely?

Kaluki Sat 01-Dec-12 11:11:53

aThing - I think you are projecting a bit here and not actually helping the OP.
OP I think this is more about your own insecurities than about your DHs stag night. It's understandable to feel like you don't measure up to these images of women on his phone after having given birth just 6 weeks ago but your body has given your DH a beautiful baby and none of those other women could even come close to that. The pictures are superficial images and so is the memory of the stag night. It's not real life.
Don't let this cloud your relationship, if your DH is a good husband in every other way and you believe he loves you (you know him we dont after all!) then you should let this go and stop comparing yourself to these other women.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 11:16:22

"harmless banter between boys!"

He's a married man with a child, not a boy.

But if you think his sexism is harmless, enjoy your life.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 11:18:19

Hmm maybe I should say something about the picture swapping, if just assumed its a guy thing to do and tried not to let that part get to me, I've just taken it as immature boy behaviour (he's 31 tho now!!) but I don't like it either.

It's probably all my hormones and being so tired, babs is only 6 weeks old and I did have a rough time afterwards (blood transfusion and kept in for a week to recover!) so I'm still probably just on a low from that! sad

dequoisagitil Sat 01-Dec-12 11:22:59

I was trying to remember what the picture swapping reminds me of, and it's Beavis & Butthead-type stuff. Hurrrr-hurrrr-hurrr. hmm

At 31, he ought to know better than that.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 11:26:59

Just to be clear. My DP had a lapdance and was unfaithful on his stag do. Hence 'DP' as opposed to 'DH'. A serious breach of trust, a deal-breaker for many. We chose to stay together and treat it as the god-awful mistake it was. However, he does not trade pictures, comments or any sexist and misogynistic behaviour of any kind with friends. He never ever comments upon women's physicality other than mine. He makes me feel loved, secure and treasured. Your life OP, you know what you are and are not comfortable with. Make your views known, make your decisions and stick by them. Your husband needs to live up to your expectations and I hope that he does. I reiterate my best wishes to you.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 11:28:45

Omg, it's true they are like beavis and butthead!!!
Not good! Lol!

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 11:30:45

If you do say something about the picture swapping, don't go with

"Oh, I'm so insecure, it makes me feel terrible about my body."

Try:

"Do you know what is really unsexy? A 31 year old man with a "spank bank" he fills up with his friend's help."

badinage Sat 01-Dec-12 11:44:09

Let's focus on the facts here and not what other men have done and said and what other posters are prepared to put up with in men.

He lied. You 'jokingly' asked him not to go to strip clubs on his stag and he said he wasn't into that sort of thing.

When forced to admit it, he came out with the usual bollocks about 'having' to have a private dance because he was the stag, pointing out that his mate was worse and had two.

The texts to his mate don't back up this story about an unwilling stag.

Which is hardly surprising because like every story you read on here about men's bad behaviour, according to them it was always someone else's fault; their mates, other women overstepping their boundaries, their partners. And their partners fall for these stories about pressurising mates, wanton women on the loose and worse still, look inwards and wonder if their appearance is to blame.

His response has not been to apologise for it, but to claim amnesia about the evening and then to ridicule his wife for being 'silly'.

Meanwhile he is swapping pictures of women to wank over.

This is the real him OP. Not this image you have of him as a chivalrous hero who respects women.

If you join in with this 'boys will be boys' crap without stopping to question it, or why your husband lies to you and then ridicules you for being upset about it, more fool you.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 12:02:22

Thanks stuffit, much appreciated x

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 12:06:36

You're welcome. Sorry if I made your thread 'all about me', was just trying to provide some context and hoped my experiences could help you in some way. If only to make you think.

perceptionreality Sat 01-Dec-12 12:11:27

'they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc.'

Seriously, how old is he? 15??

You need to tell him how hurt you are about the lap dance and tell him as far as you are concerned it crosses a lie in your marriage and he's not to do it again if he wants your marriage to work out. You are feeling vulnerable, there is not a woman who doesn't after the arrival of a baby. He needs to respect you and make you feel respected and valued and at the moment he isn't doing that.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 13:14:40

Athing that made me laugh re the spank bank, really puts it in perspective!!

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