Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
OK. LETS GET THIS OFF OUR CHESTS .... if you COULD write a letter to the OW .....(130 Posts)
.... what would you say?
OK - I SHOULD STATE HERE THAT I HAVE NAME CHANGED FOR THIS ONE.
Now, yes, I know in RL this is a real NO NO - but my thinking is, hey, why dont we all offload on MN and get this out of our systems?
Personally, I just wouldnt go there, in real terms, if you see what I mean - I just wouldnt post that letter/send that email.
But boy oh boy it would be nice to just vent my feelings and basically just say piss off - but without the explitives! lol
(Im actually off to bed right now but I promise to add mine later this weekend)
So, come on everyone - VENT VENT VENT VENT
I've been thinking about this thread for a couple of days, wondering whether to post, going thru what the content of my 'letter' would look like, and then I read yogagirl17's post and realised that the last two paragraphs said it all for me really.....
They knew, they fucking knew that he was married with DC, but apparently I don't understand him, don't have sex with him am just after his wallet and think more of my horses than I do of him.....
"They were just two people who found each other for a brief time" That was said by one of the OW by the way, not DH.
ah, ain't it romantic...yuk!!!!
Now I thought I was a woman of the world etc but I'm really not as I had no idea that sites such as marital affairs and illicit encounters, existed. I had no idea that women would 'chat' to men online and if they liked the look of them then would invite them to their house, with their DC asleep upstairs, and have sex in their living rooms with these strangers.
Or that following a 'chat' they would meet at an Ibis or Premier Inn for sex the next day.
Will stop now as I'm going off on a tangent!! Have no idea how i would word a letter to that sort of OW, became words fail me...
Thanks OP and YG17!!
Hi distrusting, I guess like you I realise now how naive I actually was. I didnt think things like that happened in real life...not to nice, smart, normal people. I mean we're not exactly Jeremy Kyle fodder. What a learning curve this last year has been. It turns out it happens all the bloody time and it can happen to anyone. That makes me feel so sad. I'm glad if some of what I wrote helped you. X
Some of these women sound utterly, utterly vile, as human beings... They do not operate to a moral code that I recognise and some of them sound truly fucked up and even evil. Some of them sound like sad, rather pathetic tragedies waiting to happen.
But without one SINGLE exception, and bearing this /\ in mind... every last man posted about on this thread is far, far worse. WAY worse. Every single one of them. Don't think I'm not referring your ex-partner because he's not as bad as some of the others, because I am. Every last man posted about on here is worse than any of the OW.
Maybe it might be helpful to write an imaginary, cathartic letter to the real villains...
Somerset - I can't speak for anyone else but I know full well my XH is just as bad if not worse than the OW. He was the one who broke our marriage vows who lied to my face and to our children, who fucked someone else then came to bed with me....I know all that. But I've said all that a dozen times already. For me this was just a chance to express another bit of the story. I know it's not the whole picture.
Yeah, I know - and I totally get that it's cathartic, and that this thread allows you (one) to write and say what you think and feel as a way of releasing it, but never actually sending it. It's a 'safe' way of releasing the anger...
But at the end of the day, these men are scum and every single person is better off without someone like that in their lives, making them miserable, making them shells of their former selves, destroying their confidence and their happiness, turning them into paranoid wrecks, fucking up their kids and giving them a warped blueprint of what relationships are like.
Every single person is well-shot of these total losers. They are now some other numpty's problem. The OW's, in fact. Surely that's the most satisfying revenge.
Somerset - couldn't agree more
I agree with Somerset too buts st point out that I don't need to write a letter to ex, trust me when I say he got it face to face full guns blazing and continues to pay all these years later with his regrets and messed up relationships with his dc. He also lost his home,car and life a he knew it. Ow on the other hand got nothing apart from what she wanted (him to herself) and then continued to be an idiot long after when she realised I'd not put up a fight for him and continued to live my life with dignity.
She upped the anti. Rang me at all hours, turned up at my door drunk (I looked after her and took hr home) went on FB to tell my ds's she was pg before thirst dad could, rang my dd who was 5 at the time, on Xmas day to slurr drunkenly that I was a bitch.
All this years later when I was re married and very happy.
So forgive me for reserving a little of my venom for her.
Ahhhhh a brilliant thread! I'm well shot of my emotionally abusive ex husband of 6 years. I've been with now husband for 8 years and we have a wonderful marriage, so ex is loooonnnnng in the past. I actually got to say my piece to the ow. I first wrote an 8 page letter to exH, which helped enormously in my recovery, one of the things he'd abuse me with was lack of blow jobs, so in it I asked him to consider why I would want to give blow jobs to a man with such a smelly cock? Haha, made him paranoid to let ow near him...
Because exH was such a nob to everyone, someone set up a Facebook page called "I hate xxx xxx" I discovered that the ow had been dumped by this point and had posted the following "as his EX-GIRLFRIEND I deserve to be on here more than anyone" so I counter posted "as his EX-WIFE I think I hold that trump card, what goes around comes around. Enough said" that put the skanky bitch in her place.
Aaaaand breathe. It felt fucking good. I was at rock bottom anyway, then I caught him cheating. I cannot describe in words the total humiliation and worthlessness I felt. It took me years to get anywhere close to rebuilding myself.
I am well shot if that looser. He has since tried to be friends, I told him to get fucked, my husband deserves better than that as do I.
Very cathartic, thanks!
My first ever message,mine was an emotional affair,still denied to this day,left after a year of finding out,have to say A BIG THANK YOU to her cos i coulda been there for another 15 years,now soooo happy in a wee flat with my dcs,happy days ..
" I cannot describe in words the total humiliation and worthlessness I felt. It took me years to get anywhere close to rebuilding myself."
Thank you so much for writing that. It makes me feel less of a loon.
Does anyone else feel competitive with the OW?
I could feel humiliated that he chose someone he was apparently only seeing for three months over me; his partner of 15 years, wife for 9 of those. Yes, she is younger than me, but she is shorter, fatter and not as attractive. They got engaged three months after he left too, even though I am only just filing for divorce now, almost six months later.
So I could feel humiliated, but it's the one emotion I haven't felt. I take the view that they have humiliated themselves by their disgusting, sickening behaviour. I have done nothing wrong and I can hold my head high. Sometimes, I wish I had got in there first and cheated on him. But if I had done that, I wouldn't be able to take the moral high ground.
"Does anyone else feel competitive with the OW?"
Nah, she wears leather trousers!
Seriously, she's clearly a horrible person and a useless mother. She's also not very bright.
I'm a decent person that tries my best to be kind and a good mother. I'd never, ever do what she's done. Like CremeEgg says, I can hold my head high knowing that I've done nothing wrong. And if DS ever asks when he's older, I can tell him the truth without feeling any shame about my behaviour. I bet the OW could not do that with her kids.
I kind of did at first - her facebook profile made her look sexy and glamorous and I felt like a fat, boring, frumpy mother in competition with this solvent, glam, single type
Turns out it was a very flattering photo cos when I saw her in RL she was fatter than me and very ordinary looking. I know that shouldn't have made me feel better but it did.
I should add that now I just think she's a dick...
I don't feel competitive. I wouldn't be her in a million years.
I met her once, whilst the affair was in full flow. I thanked her for being such a good friend to my husband. And she had the fucking nerve to HUG ME. And in that moment I felt like the smallest person in the world for being jealous and suspicious. But now I know that I am the one who can hold my head up and look my children in the eyes with a clear conscience. That's more than the two of them will ever be able to say.
I always new you were after my partner, it became obvious when my partner took his son to football and you were there in your boob exposing top and trakies with ur 5 children (from 5 different dads) and constantly letched across the pitch, ur boyfriend noticed to, we even had a chat about it. My partner left his phone one night when he went to get a takeaway, I lost my appetite when seen your nude photo so forwarded it to your partner and promptly emptyed takeaway on my partners head on his return and had the police remove him. Funnily enough your partner was booting you out to, oh dear.
What you don't no is my partner is abusive, violent and forced me into sexual stuff, he is secretly gay! But I don't mind you done me a favour I am now very happy, iv heard your not and my ex cheated on you with a man! Kalmas a bitch
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I know it wasn't one sided. I know he flirted heavily with you. I don't and never will know what was in those texts that you sent each other for months. But I know that he felt he had to delete them, even though I'd never been jealous or looked at his phone.
I know that he was lying to me. I'm pretty sure he must have been lying to you too. I'm sure he must have made out that I was some kind of awful critical sexless dragon. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or our relationship was perfect. We had very young children, busy lives and little sleep. But it wasn't that bad either.
I'm sure your attention boosted his ego, made him feel respected and important. And I'm sure I didn't do that because I was so taken up with looking after our children. But if he'd told me how he was feeling, I'd have worked on things.
You knew he was married, knew he had young children, you even met us all - and spent all the time flirting with him and mothering one of our children, whilst I looked after the other one and was stuck talking to complete strangers. Did you think I didn't notice?
You weren't the cause of our problems, but you made them so much worse. They went from something small, to something awful. You see, flirting with you changed him. He started having this secret life. Telling you how awful I was made him dissatisfied at home, stressed because he was hiding things, shutting me out. He stopped sharing even day to day things because he was trying to hide his emotional affair with you.
One thing I thought was in your favour was that when you mt me you avoided me, couldn't meet my eyes. When he told you I'd said something nice about you to him (it wasn't to be shared, but he told me later he'd told you), it seemed to make you think. As I found out later, that's when things started to taper off and you got a boyfriend.
So that's why I can't understand why you wouldn't leave him alone. When I did look at the phone records and saw all the texts, when he told you he was cutting off contact, you didn't respect his decision. When you heard that our marriage was in difficulty, you texted him again, pretending to be his friend, there for him if he needed you.
You're not his friend. You crossed way over that line. I know he was fool enough to want to believe you, but you and I know better. And he's worked that out now too. You're competitive, you want what someone else has, you don't want him.
I know he emailed you saying he'll be back in touch. I found it. I believe we're now in a place where he truly won't, but even if he does, know this: you're second best. Know this too: I love him, flaws and all. But if he does it again, he'll lose me and our children and the house and the respect of all those around him. He'll be broke, he'll be unhappy missing our children and he'll miss me, including the sex.
Find your own sense of happiness. Happiness that comes from loving who you are and not trying to find your worth in whoever finds you attractive. You won't be young forever and you have so much potential. So please stop trying to have what isn't yours and grow up.
Ooh that felt good!
The fantasies I've been having about phoning her at work and giving her an earful, or emailing her entire department, including her boss...
Any woman who becomes the OW while knowing that man is taken in nothing but a dirty whore. My opinion, doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
Fidelia, good letter! Sorry you had to go through all that though.
Ladies the only thing I can say about this thread is that, for many of you, finding out about an affair was probably the best thing to happen because your husbands sound vile!! and you certainly deserve better!
Who wants a husband who wets the bed after drink? Who wants a husband who is bullying and manipulative? Doesn't pay his way? Doesn't get involved in family life? If these things you are telling the OW about your DH are true then you are most certainly better off without them!
Mine now would be one word only....
He did to her what he did to me.
I'm glad I never told her what I thought of her at the time. I came close but resisted and kept my dignity intact.
And yes she knew he was in a long term relationship with a 3 year old son and a baby on the way but she wanted him, pursued him and got him. She even tried to tell him to get a paternity test for DS2 as she wasn't sure he was the father . You only have to look at DS2 to see the resemblance but it was a way of getting him to mistrust me which lead to him leaving.
Don't get me wrong I hated him as much or even more than her at the time but SHE should have had the morals to stay well away. He has since apologised, he is a good dad and 10 years on I'm over it now and happier with DP than I ever was with him. OW however is still single, miserable and from what I hear very very fat ha!!!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.