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I will never understand the OW

(143 Posts)
chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 18:54:46

This weekend my children will meet the OW who was sleeping with my husband this time last year, while I was pregnant. I knew it would happen and it's a shit as I always knew it would be. That's not what this post is about though...

As a preamble to meeting them, I've received a charming letter through my solicitor stating that as they began their relationship AFTER we separated, and as she works with vulnerable children and is CRB checked, I should basically be thrilled that they are in her care (with XH of course). Because essentially they have been saintly to wait this long as my lovely DC are quite clearly going to benefit from having her in their lives.

What I can't get my head around is that OW is included in ALL correspondence my XH sends. Solicitors letters, emails etc. She reads the abusive ones to me and his own mother. She obviously knows that this hearts and flowers introduction to my DC is a load of twaddle, as she knew I was pg when she was having an affair with my XH. So how does she not twig that he's an absolute see you next tuesday with repugnant moral standards? Why would she want to build a life with a man like my ex? I know we all miss 'red flags' (I did when I married him after all!) but when someone is so clearly abusive and lies ALL the time even in legal documents, and you KNOW that they are lying, what bit of your brain has to be switched off to say "oh look, there's a keeper"?

Feel sick and low tonight sad

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 20:02:51

believe it or not, I am not allowed to name her in my divorce because my lawyer is signed up to a code of ethics for family law which apparently means she must do all she can to reduce conflict and promote an amicable and conciliatory approach. I've posted on this topic before. It's outrageous and wrong, but OW has her own lawyer and is adamant I'm not going to be able to claim costs from her so it would cost us all a lot of money and time to force them to admit she was the one he cheated with. Bloody ridiculous.

I'm on the freedom course now and I see him for the abusive a-hole he really is. She has the best to come .

fengirl1 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:03:13

Choco - in time your children will work out the truth as mine have. ('Haircuts' that took all day and I couldn't see what was happening fgs). You need say nothing (except vent on here of course). You are right, they have rewritten history but it will catch up with them in the end.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 20:06:40

that is OUTRAGEOUS choco. she shagged your husband but she gets to emerge with the moral highground, sending letters about her crb checked integrity. WOW. shock sad

HerriotsofFire Fri 30-Nov-12 20:15:21

Have you read this? www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
Might give some insight.

Violet77 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:16:09

Fuck, poor you, i'd want to kill them both.

Ultimately though he's a shit of the highest order and she's just a whore.

They will always be those things, they will lie and decieve each other and deserve each other. You need to let it go for your own sake, find someone you deserve who will love you.

Your children will know in time. Be thankful your shot of him, now screw him for every penny you can. The knives are out, go for it all.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 30-Nov-12 20:16:55

wine & more wine

It's bad enough they have to go to him, it's bad enough they have to meet her - but that letter would have me seeing RED. 'Lucky to have her in their lives'??? WTAF. They were far 'luckier' before she was involved in their lives, fucking their Dad when he was married with kids (well kid and one incubating!).

She shouldn't be allowed to work with vulnerable children - she certainly didn't think of your kids - bitch. And no, I'm not forgetting that he was the one that was married, he is the one who is mostly to 'blame' but all this shit in this letter has me spitting venom in her direction tonight!

winewine

... and breath - and that's just me <wry grin>

You have been brilliant through all of this, you will be fine, your kids will be fine because they have YOU.

I hope something bites the smug pair of gits firmly on the arse.

maleview70 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:21:02

It can be summed up in 11 words.....

When it comes to men, some women are just fucking stupid.

skyebluesapphire Fri 30-Nov-12 20:23:37

Hi Choco..... I know how infuriating this is for you and heartbreaking too.....

somebody put it to me that I should be glad that Mini Skye gets on well with OW as it means that she is happy when with XH. But of course my OW is not an obvious OW, just an emotional affair OW who is still with her H, so different circumstances to yours...

It annoys me though when MS comes home and says that she was bored and cold watching OW play netball.....

It is the lies that get to you isn't it. I think that your solicitor needs to reply that you know for a fact that they got together before your marriage breakup. It is stating a fact after all..... if they want to deny it legally, then they will be the ones in the wrong not yourself.. Its sickening that she is painting her self as whiter than white though... and a CRB check does not make you a nice person!

I think that in the meantime, all you can do is grit your teeth, if there is nothing legally that you can do to stop it.....

Just remind yourself, that whatever you are going through now, she will have to go through one day..... and by that point you will be free and happy

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 20:26:54

That's good! it's long but it's very good. I would suggest sending it to her but a bigger punishment would be to send it to her after they've split up.

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 20:28:43

yes, a crb check does indicate how many million addresses you've had and that you've managed not to get a record or a caution, but as we all know, lying and adultery aren't against the law.

FromEsme Fri 30-Nov-12 20:32:09

People lie to themselves, like arthritic said, it's doublethink. I'd say most of us do it to some extent, but some people, like this pair of knobs you are unfortunate enough to have in your lives, are just utterly blind and convince themselves they couldn't help it, they were in luuuurve.

I'm sorry you have to deal with their shit. They sound hideous.

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 20:36:03

I'm taking the moral high ground and going for a child-centred response. Which means that of course they can spend time with the children as long as it's mindful of their age appropriate needs etc. There is no point withholding contact when it's my DS who will suffer and it just makes me look vengeful, so yet again I'll be sucking up the shit they spew at me.

BUT I am also asking my solicitor to send a forceful reminder of the facts and will be blasting them for inappropriate and ridiculously late communication (my sol received their letter at lunch time today, instructing me about their plans for contact tomorrow - so much for time to think and reply!!). They will be left in no doubt of the utter contempt in which I hold them both.

Herriots I'm enjoying your link smile will have to save it and send it to her for Christmas. Giftwrapped of course, on a post-it note, stuck inside the cover of "Stepmonster" for her to mull over her future life.

hanikam Fri 30-Nov-12 20:44:05

Get her to come on mumsnet (don't give her your screen name obv) and she will be enlightened to wiles of men.

(or don't, and laugh when her relationship breaks down in the future...muwahah!)

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 20:53:01

wow just finished the 'you think you are special' article. It was actually written about my ex. I do actually feel better. I know he's a horrible sack of turds and I'm going to have to keep doing a damn good job with my boys to make sure they grow up as loving and fabulous and funny and sweet - and respectful and kind and empathetic and strong - as I know they can be. I actually feel grateful after reading that, that he's gone.

plutocrap Fri 30-Nov-12 20:57:41

What exactly is the point of such ridiculous and untrue (and irrelevant) boasts? If there are no legal grounds on which to deny contact, they are just antagonising you. Can your solicitor note that, perhaps asking for irrelevant comments (you can scarcely call it information) to be set aside as they do not "reduce conflict and blah blah blah"?

HerriotsofFire Fri 30-Nov-12 21:01:58

Choc, that link helped me immensely when i needed to make some sense of a similar situation. Glad it helped.

Nevergrowingup Fri 30-Nov-12 21:15:01

This is the time when you will have to dig into your reserves not to be side-tracked by these idiots. Of course they have to use the lawyer's letters to try and validate their lies - 'oh, look its in the lawyer's letter, it MUST be true' .

People running away from the truth will sell their souls to the devil to try and erase the lies they have told. Morality left their building a long time ago and I agree with everyone who suggests that you only respond to factual mistakes and anything which creates more upset for your DCs.

It certainly sounds as though your EXH and OW have devised (in their minds) a plausible story. Don't think that everyone believes them. Anything that is made to sound so 'perfect' has a man with a red flag walking in front of it. Remember that you have done nothing wrong and never feel that you are answerable to them. A dignified silence speaks volumes next to lies wrapped up in a legal letter. I think their lawyers saw them coming wink

[handholdy wine and chocolates for choco]

at the end of the day, my love, he's a cock of the highest turdliness, and she's no better. You are the moral lodestone for your lovely, lovely boys, and YOU are going to see that it won't take them long before they work out what's what.

[great big pregnant hugs]

Viviennemary Fri 30-Nov-12 21:38:05

I would hate this and would think of her as the lowlife that she is. And I'm afraid I wouldn't be telling any lies about their relationship re when it started. In fact I might even consider sending her mother a letter telling the sorry truth.

50shadesofgreyhair Fri 30-Nov-12 21:42:18

OP - I know how you feel, but take heart from this:

Me: 'How could she mum, how could she? She's a woman and she knowingly went into an affair with a married man and a father of four...she should be punished for this for the rest of her life.." (This was a week after I kicked him out, after 22 years of marriage).
Mum: 'Oh she's being punished my love...don't you worry...she's got him'

Love my mum x

arthriticfingers Fri 30-Nov-12 21:45:30

Long live 50shades' mum!

Mu1berries Fri 30-Nov-12 21:50:44

I know it sounds a bit unnecessarily bitter (who me!? as if !!) but what another poster said about you being the children's main moral compass struck a chord. I am really glad that my children won't be as mean and as controlling as the last three generations of his family have been. This is going to be the first generation to fall a bit further from the tree. I'm so relieved.

50shadesofgreyhair Fri 30-Nov-12 21:55:29

Thanks Arthriticsmile Mum takes after her mum, who's best advice ever (at 92 years young) was: "Tell him you wouldn't have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold."

We're a feisty lot, the women in our family! x

Smudging Fri 30-Nov-12 22:02:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 22:35:18

thank you oh wise MNetters. Just got my teeny DS back to bed. I am glad to be reminded that for all the fake happy family nonsense ex-twunt and OW want to manufacture, it's me who will be the moral lodestone smile twunts family are a mixed bag, some lovely, some utterly fucked up. But my boys will have a great deal less of that shite than they would have done had he stayed.

I wouldn't have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold either grin. Hurrah for feisty women!

Am going to bed but no doubt will be back to rant and weep update tomorrow. Thanks for the handholding x

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