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ds and friends drink all the wine.. I get the blame!

(56 Posts)
bonhomiee Thu 29-Nov-12 22:13:23

Tonight I came home and it appears ds , 21 has been raiding the wine cupboard/rack when friends have been round, without asking.
One bottle, I do not know why, was in the vegetable rack!
dh shouts " Why are you letting ds drink all the wine, or did you drink it and hide bottles in the cupboard like your mother?" [my mother was a serious alcoholic and had to go into res care at a young age with memory/ brain problems]
I don't drink.
I never have.
Yesterday he blamed me for our dd considering taking out a student overdraft facility. I am sick and tired of being a scapegoat and blamed for anything which causes him stress and the absolute unfairness of his approach.
I have told him to stick it and stop offloading it all onto me when I am actually sorting out the problem while he does nothing.

After mn help I spoke to my friend who knows us both and she felt I should stay with him as he is basically a good person, although unsupportive.
How to deal with him?

ladyWordy Mon 17-Dec-12 00:25:30

Hey bonhomiee. brew

You sound like a lovely, conscientious person, and you have been treated very badly.

Everything you've said about your H is very typical of an abusive person. He wants you there so he can control and intimidate you, and get someone to run his home for free. There is no point in appealing to his better side, bon, this is the only side he's got.

I'm so sorry, I don't know how to help right now, but am here and listening.

bonhomiee Sun 16-Dec-12 23:43:59

He has destroyed me and I have lost my sense of self.

bonhomiee Sun 16-Dec-12 23:05:11

I don't know what the answer is here but today ds seemed to want me out of the house... I said I was doing xmas shopping and he kept asking when I was going to go..confused
I personally think it is becos when I am there dh argues and blames me for things. When I am not there I presume he is fine.
ds did not want me to go to the cinema. dh helpfully said tonight that it is because he is scared of my moods!!! Obviously I am unhappy with the situation as on this thread and have asked to separate, the reason for that being the way dh behaves towards me and blaming me and controlling the way everything has to be done. To show I am not a doormat and to try to give the opposite opinion I do contradict dh and try to stick up for myself. In a calm way I think but I feel so exasperated with everything maybe I am not calm? Or maybe dh is gaslighting me I don't know. I do know that he will not accept any blame or responsibility for anything and so by default that will all lie with me.

I think he has succeeded in showing ds he is the boss and if we split ds will want to be with dh as he is the one in charge of everything.
I can't express how heartbroken I feel at this manipulation and unhappy situation for ds. I don't know what to do as I am thinking whether ds will want to live most of the time with dh. I think dh is the sort of person who you try to agree with to make life easier. He is fine when things go his way and he is not in a mood.
dh has told me point blank he is "not going anywhere" and " not moving from this house" and I want to minimise trauma to ds ie try to avoid a horrifically acrimonious divorce. I think he will be happier with me although I do work long hours. I think I am being sidelined and put in my [inferior ] place.
Pleases help me find a way through. I keep appealing to dh better side but he just looked up at me and said "You can't control yourself and your moods and you can't see it". I said to him why does he carry on with the status quo when he doesn't have a good word to say about me. Why? I am willing to take criticism on board if I only knew dh was fair and truthful and has my best interests at heart.. but I don't.
It seems no one wants me in the family.
I do feel down ,moody and irritable and I do feel exasperated at being so misrepresented and manipulated. Maybe I am being more snappy than I have realised.

bonhomiee Wed 12-Dec-12 20:32:01

Last Christmas as a family

bonhomiee Thu 06-Dec-12 23:26:09

thankyou so much for comments

my BIG huge fear is that ds will say he wants to live with dh.

ladyWordy Thu 06-Dec-12 17:59:40

When you live with an angry, controlling person that you depend on, you learn to adapt to what they want. That’s what your son is doing, because for him there is no alternative. He can't leave.

ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.

This is a desperately stressful and exhausting life for a 10 year old to live. And you're living it too, bonhomiee! But you can save him, and you.

You can leave, and take your ds with you.

Imagine not having to hold your breath all day, and do everything right, or second-guess your H just to keep the peace. Or run around because he's angry about some trivial undone task, that is too much for trouble for him to do himself.

The relief would be enormous for both of you!

5hounds Thu 06-Dec-12 17:26:29

Just wanted to say how brave I think you are. My partner sounds like your dh he's 38 and im 25. I hope you manage to break free x

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Thu 06-Dec-12 17:07:17

Your Ds is being manipulated by your Dh and is also afraid to get on his wrong side by the sound of it. He goes along with what Dh says, agrees with everything and in turn cuts you out.
You Dh is a giant dick.

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 22:22:03

i mean live with dh sorry <tired>
night all

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 22:15:41

well its not that bad, but it makes me wonder whether ds is manipulated by dh or just doesn't want to get on the wrong side of him [ I feel like that} or if ds actually prefers to be with ds .... ergo if we split ds would be either v unhappy or horror of horrors would choose to live with ds

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 19:33:46

very sad tonight.
I wanted to attend a local function today.. very popular, I have not been able to go last three years due to work. The whole of the local area attends.
I put it on the calendar, asked ds if he wanted to go and told dh. Partly as I am working over the whole weekend and will not be around.

Somehow dh took over this event and told ds yesterday "He will take him". I said fine I would also try to get back on time or follow on.
I rang before setting off from work and told ds I would be back soon and would follow down if they had set off... ds replied" You don't really have to follow us down " sad

I know this is because ds feels ifhe doesn't go along with what dh says, hewill maybe get angry. He told me this at the weekend, that he tries to do his best and agree with dad or he gets cross. He also knows dh may be argumentative or more cross if I am there.
I am angry and upset. It is all so unfair.
It is pointless speaking to dh... he will think its great.
I just have to suck it up now. Bugger

I drove down to it and could not park easily or see them and just came back home.

Any ideas welcome

fosterdream Wed 05-Dec-12 16:57:21

How are you doing today? What a bastard!

bonhomiee Tue 04-Dec-12 19:42:22

thanks smile

LadyMercy Tue 04-Dec-12 13:47:45

Bonny, he's making nice now because you are starting to dig your heels in. As soon as he thinks he is back in the good books he will feel safe enough to revert to his normal behaviour.

Try and be kind to yourself, have a lie in, or do something that makes you happy to recharge your batteries. Just don't back down.

Feckthehalls Mon 03-Dec-12 23:25:47

it is utterly draining to live in limbo in a relationship you know is dead, isn't it?
sad

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 20:56:17

He is helpful tonight hmm and bought a new TV as well as putting up the tree.
Just carries on, with the most head in sand attitude ever
Trying to move on but exhausted

I would see a Solicitor sooner rather than later. Christmas is but two days after all and he could well make that time miserable for you.

Do not prolong this agony for yourself.

January is by far the Solicitors busiest month.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 13:24:25

I am a bit worried about his response when I tell him it really is over. I am so sad about this but I need to focus on how I know I am right. He seems v volatile ATM . I am going to go thru solicitor after Christmas. I am worried about paying for ds at uni next year too.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:40:48

wise words. I can only presume he has to blame me because he can't cope with the alternative.
I am NOT going to feel sorry for him.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:37:52

I feel a little bit scared as well as sad.. he has a bad temper.I also know he doesn't lose his temper at work. I wonder how he will take the news and I presume he has seen my lack of wedding rings.

aprilrain Mon 03-Dec-12 00:35:49

I think you're seeing your H through new eyes having taken on board the comments on this thread.

He may also sense that you're not buying into his bullshit any longer and is desperately trying to put you back in your place - the appeaser, the ruffle-smoother, the problem-solver and scapegoat of all ills.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:15:50

Am feeling a little unhappy and unsettled and thought I would post before going to sleep.
This am dh was in a real temper over ds1 borrowing something on the back of having drunk the wine.. he had not spoken to him properly about it befroe tho I did but today just got into a real temper about it and was shouting and swearing trying to get him out of bed. ds 2 friend was here. ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.
I spoke to dh and told him ds 2 must be scared of him or at least was excessively trying to please him and I thought this very wrong. He replied it was my fault he lost his temper as I " wound him up about ds1 going to uni ".
I have heard it all now and am really quite shocked... I wonder if he is going to have some sort of breakdown??? I don't feel scared but I feel a bit wary

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:13:05

Am feeling a little unhappy and unsettled and thought I would post before going to sleep.
This am dh was in a real temper over ds1 borrowing something on the back of having drunk the wine.. he had not spoken to him properly about it befroe tho I did but today just got into a real temper about it and was shouting and swearing trying to get him out of bed. ds 2 friend was here. ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.
I spoke to dh and told him ds 2 must be scared of him or at least was excessively trying to please him and I thought this very wrong. He replied it was my fault he lost his temper as I " wound him up about ds1 going to uni ".
I have heard it all now and am really quite shocked... I wonder if he is going to have some sort of breakdown??? I don't feel scared but I feel a bit wary

Feckbox Sun 02-Dec-12 22:12:43

wink x

bonhomiee Sun 02-Dec-12 21:28:26

bonny, I like that too smile

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