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ds and friends drink all the wine.. I get the blame!

(56 Posts)
bonhomiee Thu 29-Nov-12 22:13:23

Tonight I came home and it appears ds , 21 has been raiding the wine cupboard/rack when friends have been round, without asking.
One bottle, I do not know why, was in the vegetable rack!
dh shouts " Why are you letting ds drink all the wine, or did you drink it and hide bottles in the cupboard like your mother?" [my mother was a serious alcoholic and had to go into res care at a young age with memory/ brain problems]
I don't drink.
I never have.
Yesterday he blamed me for our dd considering taking out a student overdraft facility. I am sick and tired of being a scapegoat and blamed for anything which causes him stress and the absolute unfairness of his approach.
I have told him to stick it and stop offloading it all onto me when I am actually sorting out the problem while he does nothing.

After mn help I spoke to my friend who knows us both and she felt I should stay with him as he is basically a good person, although unsupportive.
How to deal with him?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Sun 02-Dec-12 07:43:15

You don't deserve this.

and your son doesn't deserve to grow up thinking that THIS is how to treat his wife one day.

And any future wife/partner sure as HELL doesn't deserve it!

Please consider finding a way out.

There's no reason on earth you should have to live like this.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 02-Dec-12 10:00:45

What a cruel man. Can you imagine living like this for another 30-40 years? Can you imagine what sort of relationship your DS thinks is normal?
You don't have to live like this.

bonhomiee Sun 02-Dec-12 17:09:42

Its all becomimg clear now. Its sad because now I am panicking that I should have left before, since my worst fears are right.. he is behaving so badly and is a massive control freak.
Now we are doing the Christmas tree, always has to be done his way or there is an almighty fuss. I just took something out of the christmas box a little poem my dd wrote to me 10 yrs ago saying I love you.... he is not happy I have taken it from the box but am sticking to my guns

Feckbox Sun 02-Dec-12 19:58:25

bonny, you are on the road to freedom. Don't turn back x

MushroomSoup Sun 02-Dec-12 20:01:12

You're going to become fabulous again!

bonhomiee Sun 02-Dec-12 21:24:10

like. :-)
btw I took my rings off. first time ever.

bonhomiee Sun 02-Dec-12 21:28:26

bonny, I like that too smile

Feckbox Sun 02-Dec-12 22:12:43

wink x

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:13:05

Am feeling a little unhappy and unsettled and thought I would post before going to sleep.
This am dh was in a real temper over ds1 borrowing something on the back of having drunk the wine.. he had not spoken to him properly about it befroe tho I did but today just got into a real temper about it and was shouting and swearing trying to get him out of bed. ds 2 friend was here. ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.
I spoke to dh and told him ds 2 must be scared of him or at least was excessively trying to please him and I thought this very wrong. He replied it was my fault he lost his temper as I " wound him up about ds1 going to uni ".
I have heard it all now and am really quite shocked... I wonder if he is going to have some sort of breakdown??? I don't feel scared but I feel a bit wary

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:15:50

Am feeling a little unhappy and unsettled and thought I would post before going to sleep.
This am dh was in a real temper over ds1 borrowing something on the back of having drunk the wine.. he had not spoken to him properly about it befroe tho I did but today just got into a real temper about it and was shouting and swearing trying to get him out of bed. ds 2 friend was here. ds2 I noticed the rest of the day was trying to second guess dh and was agreeing with him over everything asap. I find this v sad and can only conclude he desperately wants to stay in his good books.
I spoke to dh and told him ds 2 must be scared of him or at least was excessively trying to please him and I thought this very wrong. He replied it was my fault he lost his temper as I " wound him up about ds1 going to uni ".
I have heard it all now and am really quite shocked... I wonder if he is going to have some sort of breakdown??? I don't feel scared but I feel a bit wary

aprilrain Mon 03-Dec-12 00:35:49

I think you're seeing your H through new eyes having taken on board the comments on this thread.

He may also sense that you're not buying into his bullshit any longer and is desperately trying to put you back in your place - the appeaser, the ruffle-smoother, the problem-solver and scapegoat of all ills.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:37:52

I feel a little bit scared as well as sad.. he has a bad temper.I also know he doesn't lose his temper at work. I wonder how he will take the news and I presume he has seen my lack of wedding rings.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 00:40:48

wise words. I can only presume he has to blame me because he can't cope with the alternative.
I am NOT going to feel sorry for him.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 13:24:25

I am a bit worried about his response when I tell him it really is over. I am so sad about this but I need to focus on how I know I am right. He seems v volatile ATM . I am going to go thru solicitor after Christmas. I am worried about paying for ds at uni next year too.

I would see a Solicitor sooner rather than later. Christmas is but two days after all and he could well make that time miserable for you.

Do not prolong this agony for yourself.

January is by far the Solicitors busiest month.

bonhomiee Mon 03-Dec-12 20:56:17

He is helpful tonight hmm and bought a new TV as well as putting up the tree.
Just carries on, with the most head in sand attitude ever
Trying to move on but exhausted

Feckthehalls Mon 03-Dec-12 23:25:47

it is utterly draining to live in limbo in a relationship you know is dead, isn't it?
sad

LadyMercy Tue 04-Dec-12 13:47:45

Bonny, he's making nice now because you are starting to dig your heels in. As soon as he thinks he is back in the good books he will feel safe enough to revert to his normal behaviour.

Try and be kind to yourself, have a lie in, or do something that makes you happy to recharge your batteries. Just don't back down.

bonhomiee Tue 04-Dec-12 19:42:22

thanks smile

fosterdream Wed 05-Dec-12 16:57:21

How are you doing today? What a bastard!

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 19:33:46

very sad tonight.
I wanted to attend a local function today.. very popular, I have not been able to go last three years due to work. The whole of the local area attends.
I put it on the calendar, asked ds if he wanted to go and told dh. Partly as I am working over the whole weekend and will not be around.

Somehow dh took over this event and told ds yesterday "He will take him". I said fine I would also try to get back on time or follow on.
I rang before setting off from work and told ds I would be back soon and would follow down if they had set off... ds replied" You don't really have to follow us down " sad

I know this is because ds feels ifhe doesn't go along with what dh says, hewill maybe get angry. He told me this at the weekend, that he tries to do his best and agree with dad or he gets cross. He also knows dh may be argumentative or more cross if I am there.
I am angry and upset. It is all so unfair.
It is pointless speaking to dh... he will think its great.
I just have to suck it up now. Bugger

I drove down to it and could not park easily or see them and just came back home.

Any ideas welcome

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 22:15:41

well its not that bad, but it makes me wonder whether ds is manipulated by dh or just doesn't want to get on the wrong side of him [ I feel like that} or if ds actually prefers to be with ds .... ergo if we split ds would be either v unhappy or horror of horrors would choose to live with ds

bonhomiee Wed 05-Dec-12 22:22:03

i mean live with dh sorry <tired>
night all

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Thu 06-Dec-12 17:07:17

Your Ds is being manipulated by your Dh and is also afraid to get on his wrong side by the sound of it. He goes along with what Dh says, agrees with everything and in turn cuts you out.
You Dh is a giant dick.

5hounds Thu 06-Dec-12 17:26:29

Just wanted to say how brave I think you are. My partner sounds like your dh he's 38 and im 25. I hope you manage to break free x

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