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Porn and lies

(136 Posts)
sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 16:28:37

I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage sad

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 05-Dec-12 09:47:36

Good luck OP.

Have to say though I notice how realistic you seem about his ability to give up porn - remember that the only thing that will motivate him at this stage is loss and he is still not really experiencing this isn't he?

sickofporn Wed 05-Dec-12 05:00:20

Thanks mnetters for your wonderful advice and support. It has really helped me to stay sane and focused. This isn't the sort of thing I can talk to anyone in RL about.

We have talked and rowed about this and I think he knows where he stands now but time will tell.

We are setting up open dns filters to protect every device in our home from porn. If DH gets bored of amazing real sex and ever wanted to indulge in porn again he would only have to go into my email to get the password. My accounts for everything (including mn) are always open and he knows how to get into my iPad which I leave at home when I am at work til late.

The original row we were having remains unresolved. But I am too shattered to argue anymore. No doubt it will rear it's ugly head again in the next few weeks so I may be back under my usual name.

ATouchOfStuffing Tue 04-Dec-12 14:43:00

Yes, he does sound as if he knows it is a big deal for you. I hope he does the maths and realises that lying to you again will be the nail in the coffin. If you are going to try trusting him again, it won't hurt to point this out clearly.

I agree with Charbon though that the lying is the problem here. He has a choice but you need to be clear what that choice is so that he can't change the boundaries (i.e but you didn't want sex that time so I thought it was OK) - make it clear and the rest is up to him.

Charbon Tue 04-Dec-12 14:39:36

I don't get the sense that he thinks porn is a big deal at all. I sense he thinks having rows about it and grief is a big deal, hence he lies about it. Self protection.

sickofporn Tue 04-Dec-12 14:32:28

Despite what he says I believe he knows that porn is a big deal otherwise he wouldn't have tried so hard to keep it from my knowledge all these years. He is only trying to minimise it now because I found out about it.

As for him saying he has never disrespected me, that's just words and bullshit - his actions have disrespected me and violated the intimacy of our relationship.

I believe him that he wants to stop purely because he wants to stay married to me. I am sure he must know that a lifetime with me and sex is better than without me and wanking over porn to his heart's content.

Charbon Tue 04-Dec-12 14:11:31

Yes I've met several men who've given up porn, but with very different reasons for doing so.

Some give it up because they are aware it's having an effect on their real lives, especially their sexual responses i.e an inability to orgasm through sex with a partner, erectile dysfunction; so the motive is self-protection.

Some give it up because their use of it is upsetting a partner and what was only an occasional habit isn't worth that; so the motive is partly self-protection to maintain a relationship that's important to them and partly care and love for a partner's feelings.

Some give it up because they start to find out about the porn industry and what happens within it. Once they start humanising the women who are abused in porn, they find it impossible to view it through the same lens as hitherto. So their motives are humanitarian and political.

It doesn't sound like your partner wants to give up porn or sees it as a problem. He also doesn't understand the concept of telling lies by omission. He seems to be saying it's no big deal and that you should get over yourself.

I'd have more respect for his stance if he told you directly that he doesn't see a problem with it and will continue to use porn. Instead it sounds like he's lying to you and has no intention of changing. He'll just hide it better to avoid a row. While he's got an absolute right to do what he wants, he hasn't got the right to lie to you about that.

What do you honestly think? Do you think he'll give up porn full stop?

ATouchOfStuffing Tue 04-Dec-12 13:52:58

Oh I hate that lying by omission bollocks. Not telling someone something you know they would want to know is just the same as lying. I had an ex that used to say, 'ah, but you didn't ask about that specific day...' etc etc. The criteria you had to fulfill to get an honest answer was akin to Mensa. Basically if I had known the answer I wouldn't have asked the question but I couldn't possibly know the question, which was his win-win. Don't entertain that idea, you will always feel you simply haven't asked the right thing and get more and more embroiled in figuring it out...

Ultimately it is a cheap quick fix he is after with porn. He wants relief ASAP and isn't patient enough to wait or whatever his justification is to himself. It is degrading for you when you are, presumably as you say, wanting sex and the one person who can give it to you is choosing to lie and use other women's bodies to satisfy his need and not yours. Considering he has already done this to you before and lied, I am not convinced, and think you should be wary of taking him at his word. He will know how to get around the security set up at home IMO.

sickofporn Tue 04-Dec-12 13:38:50

Can a man give up porn if his marriage depends on it? Has anyone known someone go from regular porn to no porn ever again? Is it possible he could miss porn in his life more than he would miss me and the DC?

I have told him I cannot live with porn in my life and I will be unable to live with him anymore if he cannot be trustworthy and respect me on this.

He denies that he has been disrespecting me by using porn, he said it's just a means to get off that is all. He denies ever lying to me too. He says he just didn't tell me stuff and that is not lying. hmm

He says he wants to work at our marriage. I am not sure at this moment that he is prepared to work hard enough. And he expects me to take everything at his word from now on! hmm

He has agreed to child filters at home to protect the DC from being fucked up by porn too.

Charbon Mon 03-Dec-12 12:50:14

I don't think resuming your sex life will make an iota of difference in the long term. As you say, this has happened before and your partner continued to use porn and lie to you about it. Given his responses to you last week about all men using porn (they do not) it's very unlikely he's going to stop and so any promises to the contrary are likely to be lies again.

I'd focus on you and not him.

You've said that the sex is never going to be good while he's using porn, so don't confuse quantity with quality. Just because you're having sex now doesn't necessarily mean that it's good sex and you know what the difference is.

So really it's decision time. Like I said in my other post, you either decide that this is your lot and you put up with it, or you decide that you want something different for yourself and your children. Don't think for one minute that someone different is unavailable. Contrary to what he's told you, there are lots of men who don't use porn and their sexual performance is therefore unthreatened by it.

Faced with the loss of his private relationship versus the loss of his cyber one with porn, your partner might well make changes. But he won't if he thinks that he can lie repeatedly to you, deprive you of a satisfying sex life and still you'll stay with him.

There will be absolutely no incentive to change.

sickofporn

I hope things will work out for you both. I hope you will consider some kind of counselling which will deal with the (separate, but related) lack-of-sex issue: if you are members of a church you can get these things (which might have the effect of scaring the bejeezus out of your husband) for free.

ATouchOfStuffing

By the same token, one could say "Women just see shoes and handbags" rather than the exploited and sweated labour that produce them.

But that, like your comment, would be rendered worthless by its gross oversimplification.

sickofporn Mon 03-Dec-12 03:20:11

Thanks all. I need to have a good talk with him as this is a huge weight on me and I have not had a night's sleep for the 6th night now. I am going to ask for honesty but I am now terrified of what I will learn about him. I'm scared I won't believe him or trust him anymore. We are bonding physically now and that is a start smile but I remember we have been here before. There have been so many lies and I know I can't live with being treated like a fool for the rest of my life.

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 22:58:30

I know someone whose H was addicted to porn. The thing about porn is that it is very addictive, and it burns out the pleasure centre part of the brain. Also because it objectifies women he gets further and further 'away'.

He can no longer get erections, IN HIS THIRTIES. He stopped wanting proper sex (and even then it was all acting out stuff, not proper intimacy, she would have to get tied up etc) years before.

It was meeting that couple (who are now divorced), which opened my eyes to porn not being 'harmless' etc.

OP, put your foot down and instill serious consequences, like separation, him losing his family, him having to join an addiction group. Save your H with your own strength, seriously.

ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 20:22:45

1) When your argument ends up at "can you disprove it?", you're on shaky ground, and

2) your link doesn't say anything about the porn industry trying to find out what women liked in porn, just that there was a conference in 1998, which is true.

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 20:10:43

You don't think that the porn industry would have spent a bit of money finding out what women would like to see in porn?
Can you disprove the link?

ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 20:06:10

That's not a source, that's an unsourced assertion by a website trying to sell filtering software. Do you have an actual source, from a journal/book/etc?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 19:46:09
ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 19:39:38

Got any source for that, ATouch?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 19:33:02

Toad I think you will find women take porn a lot more seriously than men. Women tend to consider the woman, her upbringing, the men's state of mind, control issues, power issues, safety issues, need issues and a whole lot more. Men just see body parts.

20092012

Most people prefer not to talk about a thing when they know or suspect their comments aren't going to be taken seriously.

sickofporn Sun 02-Dec-12 10:28:55

You have all given me a lot to think about. Maybe his excuses for not wanting sex with me were genuine, I'm sure they were many of the times. He told me last Wednesday he stop the porn. We are enjoying sex together again, we do not want to be without each other. I think he knows how much he hurt me when he admitted it on Tuesday night. And I don't want to be lied to anymore.
But I still want child filters to block porn from our home. My dh doesn't know this yet but I have been googling porn for the very first time blush and I am horrified the stuff that is available and at how easy it is for anyone to watch it. I'm considering asking my DH to install the child filter software at home to protect our dc, surely that is a reasonable thing to ask him to do?

LaLaGabby Sun 02-Dec-12 08:49:56

I think the point several people are trying to make here is that looking at porn and not wanting to have sex are two separate things, unlike what the OP has suggested.

If your bottom line is that you don't want him to look at porn, you might find out that he still doesn't want to have sex with you. This is something that you might have to 'suck up', in the sense that you have right to demand honesty from your partner, but not the right to demand sex. Or you might have to try and solve that problem, separately from the porn issue.

On the other hand, if what you want is to have a sex life with your husband, you need to talk to him about this and decide what you are both going to do. 'Not watching porn' could be an ultimatum, but 'having sex again' is something that you need to be on the same side for. Even if one person is at fault, doesn't mean it's that person's problem to fix alone.

Of course, you might consider both of these to be lines in the sand. That's fair enough. But they still are separate (if related) issues and don't have one single solution.

20092012 Sun 02-Dec-12 07:54:24

I'm having this same problem with my husband but like the majority of the people on here I would agree and say it isn't your job to block his Mobil computer etc as that would not mean he will stop watching it, in your eyes maybe buy then he will find other ways of watching it because when something has been taken off you you kind of want it more! I would personally not do that anyway I have told him exactly how I feel and the rest is down to him, if that's the kind of things his into it's the temptation of just clicking a few buttons now a days, what I'm trying to say is it's so easy to access and he needs know how you feel and trust himself not to watch it and also prove himself to you! I often think its probably my fault he watches it assume I'm not satisfying him enough but when you ask them anything about the topic I think they would rather not talk about it! Pricks! Lol

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 07:34:09

Cogito gives the best advice of all: "It's not your responsibility to block porn. You are not your husband's conscience, his prison guard or his parent. The only person who can change your husband's behaviour is himself. If he has no intention of stopping with his habit, it is not your problem to resolve... it is his.

Place the responsibility very firmly on his shoulders, not yours. Set a severe consequence for failure and follow through."

Sorry, this is out of your control and you do not have a marriage. You are dealing with an addiction and you need to act accordingly. You are going to have to start thinking separation, sorry. Read Lundy Bancroft.

"Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending.

Not seen one yet."

You won't see one, because a man who complained of such a faux male-fantasy would get no sympathy from other men, let alone women.

More obviously, why would you expect a man to complain on Mumsnet of all places?

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