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Porn and lies

(136 Posts)
sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 16:28:37

I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage sad

Itwillendinsmiles Wed 28-Nov-12 16:44:57

Re. home computers you can surely have password protected accounts for each of you?

And his 'phone can be password protected? Your DC don't need to use that?

I don't see that blocking your DH's access is the answer to saving your marriage (he has free choice... and I'm not sure you 'blocking' his access is fair or reasonable) but protecting your DCs seems straightforward and logical.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 16:47:27

It's not your responsibility to block porn. You are not your husband's conscience, his prison guard or his parent. The only person who can change your husband's behaviour is himself. If he has no intention of stopping with his habit, it is not your problem to resolve... it is his.

Place the responsibility very firmly on his shoulders, not yours. Set a severe consequence for failure and follow through.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 28-Nov-12 16:47:47

I don't think you can stop him from accessing porn. Only he can do that. If he wants to.

If you have to police his behaviour, then either he is not worthy of your trust, or you are no longer willing to give him your trust. Either option spells a doomed relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 16:48:36

BTW Why do you have to 'save your marriage'.... are you the one doing their level best to destroy it?

vintageviolets Wed 28-Nov-12 16:49:28

He would probably get another phone on the sly anyway, sorry op.

Apocalypto Wed 28-Nov-12 16:52:08

If you block his porn access, how will you know whether he's stopped looking at porn because he wanted to, or whether he's stopped because you blocked his access?

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 28-Nov-12 16:52:44

You can't block it.

There's ways, of course, to make it more difficult. Child protection programs on the computer and his phone, etc. But he'd quickly learn how to break them, and it's very easy.

You would have better results by stopping him using the computer or his phone at all. But even then he'll probably just use works computers (you'd be surprised how many people do!) or a friends laptop, or buy a laptop or tablet, and a new phone, or use a friends phone. And eventually he'd need access to a phone or computer again, and he'd access porn, and you'd be back to the beginning.

It's very similar to alcoholics. You can hide the alcohol (by god I've tried, my childhood was spent hiding alcohol, knives, food, medication) but you can't stop them getting more, or drinking it out, or using someone elses'. He'll just get sneakier, and you'll see less. He has to want to do it himself. And saying that he can't is a cop-out. He can. It's him that makes him type it in, and it's him that looks at it, and it's him that responds to it. He can stop, and he can get help to stop from his GP if he needs a support network, but you can't make him.

If this is marriage breaking already and he hasn't stopped, I don't fancy his chances. It sounds like he just doesn't care enough to want to stop. He either doesn't believe you'll walk, or he doesn't care.

If you did this he would access porn somewhere else. What you are proposing is not going to work as you would be forever vigilant. No trust - no relationship.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. They likely sense your unhappiness even if you do not openly express your discontent towards their Dad. Its no relationship model for them to follow.

Where are his consequences for his actions?. Do you really want to save your marriage seeing as he is trashing it completely by his actions?. What is HE doing to save his marriage, two people make a marriage work and it is impossible for one person to save an ailing marriage.

Servalan Wed 28-Nov-12 16:55:05

I totally understand where you are coming from - unfortunately, there are some people out there who for whatever reason are frightened of intimacy and can only engage with sex by detaching from a personal relationship and by objectifying people. I'm not saying that all porn users do that - but I certainly know a few that do.

That being said, since your DH is a grown up, he has to take responsibility for his own actions. Taking control by blocking his access to porn is like fixing cracks in the wall using sellotape. He will find somewhere else to access the porn. It won't stop the underlying issues that are making him use porn as a substitute for a close, intimate relationship. This is what he needs to deal with.

At the same time, it is absolutely right for you to set boundaries of what you are prepared to accept within your relationship and be firm on that

In the meantime, I understand about needing to protect your DC from seeing images, and maybe that can be done with passwording - unfortunately I'm a technical dunce and cannot advise on that.

Unfortunately it does sound as if in this instance the cause needs to be dealt with by your DH rather than just dealing with the symptom

Good luck

ecclesvet Wed 28-Nov-12 17:09:05

It isn't your place to do this. If you want to do it to keep the kids from it, fine, but they aren't the ones searching for porn. Using child filters to keep your husband away from porn (and whether that's even a problem is a whole other thread) is bizarre. You need couples counselling, not Internet blocking software.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 17:18:26

Thanks for replying. I understand what you are saying about the trust thing. I have tried it. I first found porn on my pc by accident 5 years ago. I was really shocked as I did not think he was the type to disrespect women and his marriage. He tried to tell me he was only using it for a couple of months, I found out it was at least 8 months then. He was really sorry and said he would never use it again. He has always known how I feel about porn. He tried to blame me by saying I refused him sex (I don't remember this I seem to have a higher sex drive than him)

I have never checked up on him ever. I suspected because he never wants to have sex with me and I was frustrated. I just called his bluff last night during a row about something else and told him I know he is wanking to porn again and he said "Newsflash ALL men look at porn" I had NO idea that he thought this. I am really hurt. This morning before he went to work he told me he would stop the porn.

Hatpin Wed 28-Nov-12 17:22:44

There are only two guaranteed way to stop your H from accessing porn in your home. One is for him to choose to stop doing it, the other is for him not to be in the home anymore.

If him doing it is a dealbreaker for you, why are you trying to save your marriage?

Surely its either stop the dealbreaking activity, or the deal is over?

Letsmakecookies Wed 28-Nov-12 17:24:29

I totally get where you are coming from, a debate on whether porn is ethical or not aside, my xh preferred porn to sex and it is utterly humiliating and soul destroying.

As with alcohol abuse, overspending and any other behaviour which has the potential to cause relationship damage, the only thing you can do is decide where your boundaries lie, set them down firmly and follow through with the consequences. In my case that is what I eventually did (actually not for porn but other things) and I am so relieved. I think that is the only word to describe it. I had been suffering for so long in a relationship that was being damaged by behaviour I could just not live with, together with many promises of change and us 'wanting the same thing', that the day he left I felt the most enormous relief.

You cannot stop him, but you can stop putting up with it and let him decide what action to take.

I would actually, from my own experiences, debate that couples counselling is perhaps not the right avenue, but individual counselling would be better. Until he admits that perhaps he has a problem, through perhaps individual counselling, what is the point. You don't need to sit in a room and come to a mutual agreement on what you personally can or can't live with with the help of a 'judge'. That is joyously and with great difficulty all your own responsibility. You need to decide it for yourself, perhaps with a therapist if you feel you need to talk to someone about it.

Letsmakecookies Wed 28-Nov-12 17:25:34

All men may or may not look at porn, but not all men refuse sex as they prefer porn.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 28-Nov-12 17:25:47

He doesn't sound like he cares sad

The "All men watch porn" line has been disproved about a million times by now, and it wouldn't matter even if it hadn't. Would he follow "all men" off a cliff?

Blaming you for his porn usage is also not on.

I think he owes you a big apology. He was so disrespectful. Then you have to give him a chance to stop using porn, and hope that he does. Blocking it won't help because you won't know if he's tried, or if he's using it elsewhere. You need to know that mentally he has stopped, and he values your relationship enough to stop.

I'm not surprised you are hurt sad

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 17:28:45

Child filters for your husband? Marriage over

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 17:28:47

Thanks everyone, I am going to meet him from work now. Will check back later tonight.

Why doesn't your DH want to have sex with you?
Why does he prefer to use porn than have sex with you?

How do you know that porn use is the real issue here, rather than your lack of sex life (which if dealt with might stop the porn use)?

As an aside, why do your DCs need protecting? Is he viewing illegal porn / viewing it when they are around?

HairyGrotter Wed 28-Nov-12 17:49:54

My ex was a porn addict, he asked me to find out ways of blocking his access to it, I left him. It's like me saying "Oh, I'll give up smoking but everyone around me isn't allowed to smoke". No, he has to WANT to give it up, and it's up to HIM to do so.

I would remove him from the home till he makes his decision, his family or his addiction.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 28-Nov-12 18:19:44

I agree with those who say its HIM who has to make the choice between porn and his marriage/family life.

You can't cure or control him.

Your best chance of saving the marriage is LOSS. This means telling him to give you space and time to process your thoughts about what you want to do about your future given that he has checked out of the marriage.

prh47bridge Wed 28-Nov-12 18:38:48

All men do not look at porn. Most men do. Most do not prefer porn to sex.

I'm afraid there is no way you can block porn completely. The software used to block such things generally relies on lists of known porn websites. If he visits a porn site that is not known to the software it won't block him. And it generally isn't that difficult for someone with a little bit of computer knowledge to turn the porn blocking software off.

You/he should be taking steps to make sure your children aren't exposed to porn. That could be as simple as making sure he uses a password protected account.

If your sex life was good would his porn usage still be an issue? I doubt his porn usage would stop completely even if your sex life was wonderful but it would probably diminish.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 20:09:56

Our sex life will never be wonderful if he is using porn. It is also very hard for me to want him at the moment like I did before knowing that he has been looking at other women whilst getting off. I told him that maybe I should try having a search for big cocks on the Internet for me to wank over, but I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men. I made vows to him on my wedding day. Being faithful to him should make me feel good. But he has hurt me by wanking over other women. And yes they are real women not imaginary.

vintageviolets Wed 28-Nov-12 20:14:56

Porn can be accessed via a Playstation 3 & WiFi
<bitter experience when I saw the PS3 history on the t.v screen>

There are probably lots of other ways as well.

ecclesvet Wed 28-Nov-12 20:53:09

"Our sex life will never be wonderful if he is using porn"

Well then you have a chicken and egg situation, because he isn't likely to stop using porn if he has an unsatisfying sex life.

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