Friend will not forgive me and I don't know how to get over it.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

Eight months ago I was in a very dark place as I realised I had made a big mistake with my relationship and decided to leave it - I acted really badly and I was generally a bit messed up. I was highly stressed and drinking a lot to get through it and in a moment of madness I text a friend I have known for 12 years a horrible message.

There was lots of factors as to why I did this. The man I was leaving is her friend and had turned to her after I had announced I was leaving him. I felt like she was on his side. As I felt everyone was on his side! I thought she was interfering etc. Some wires were crossed and I was told by someone else that she had told him a secret. But also I was angry because he hadn't bothered with her or spoken to her the entire time we were together and she was so angry with him - yet the second I left him she was by his side like nothing had happened. Lots of petty reasons. But mainly because I just think I snapped and she happened to have text me at that moment so got it in the neck.

I apologised moments afterwards realising my mistake. And she would not accept it. She never spoke to me again. I have apologised via text, facebook, email etc and even tried to get friends to speak to her but she just won't reply. A mutual friend spoke to her about it and fed back to me that she is 'done' - as in, not interested, just done.

My question is how do I get over this? It's 8 months later and I have moved on. My life is full, I have a baby on the way, a new partner and am in a new town (I left the old one to make it easier on ex and me). I should be able to just brush this off - but I can't get over it and I find I still have horrid nightmares about it even now.

I mean what else can I do? I have apologised multiple times. I don't know how to just let.it.go.

[Selks]

Well clearly she no longer wants to be friends with you and that is up to her. You now have to find a way to come to terms with that, rather than try to resurrect the friendship.
You're better off regarding it as a learning exercise to gain insight into your behaviour with the aim to prevent it happening again really.
You can't make her continue to be friends with you if she doesn't want to.

[deleted203]

You need to let it go and forgive yourself. She really isn't much of a friend if she is still 'grudge holding' after all this time. Your life is now good and you really don't need to clutter it with the baggage of your past, nor with people who are less than supportive of you. Try and look at it calmly and logically.

1 A friend of 12 years immediately rushed to the side of your ex to offer him support rather than you.

2 You sent a hasty message in the heat of the moment, but immediately apologised.

3 Since then you have apologised on numerous occasions but she is refusing to accept it.

4 She is unforgiving, unsupportive and uncaring of what you were going through.

Why would you want her back in your life? She doesn't sound like any kind of friend to me, and you sound like a good person. Instead of looking at the past through rose coloured spectacles and remembering your friendship try and focus on how badly she has (and is) letting you down and realise that you don't need this person in your life - she would add nothing of value to it. Good luck with your new partner, baby and life.

[squeakytoy]

You have to let it go. Its just one of those things and your life has moved on now.

[Greensleeves]

I sympathise I lost a dear friend in a very similar way when I was 20, I'm 35 now and it does still hurt.

How you get over it - well, you do because you have to. Accept that it really is over. Separate the guilt at what you did from the grief of losing her, because while the two are still intertwined you will just have a big ball of sadness which you can't get rid of. Forgive yourself. And then plough all that emotion into making other friends and doing a better job of it.

[schobe]

It does sound like she's his friend, not yours. On the whole (not in every case mind) friends get split up like belongings after a break up.

Sometimes this doesn't happen at the start but it gets that way eventually as fallings out happen and there is a perception of 'taking sides'.

You might want to consider getting some counselling to work out why you are so deeply affected by this. Are you a perfectionist? Do you find it hard to cope with if you have got something 'wrong'? You seem needy of external validation of the fact that 'it's ok, don't worry, you're not wrong any more'.

Sometimes people don't forgive us, even when we've just made a stupid mistake and are not generally bad people. That's just part of life and you can't force it.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

Thank you (you've set me off). I can accept that we won't be friends anymore as we are in separate towns and she is friends with my ex.
What I find unbearable is that she can't just say "ok, I accept your apology". After 100 sorrys to get nothing is like torture. It was 1 bad text - I didnt sleep with her bf! I find it hard to cope with the fact that someone out there hates me. I am living my life, expecting my first baby, getting on with life thinking I am ok - and then wake up after a night of God awful nightmares about her.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

I am definitely a perfectionist, have never ever fallen out with a friend before and have a need for everyone to like me. I know these issues - but don't know how to remedy them.

[Greensleeves]

Not being allowed to apologise properly and "make peace" was the thing that hurt me most too. It was the hook that stopped me from healing normally (and I can relate to the nightmares too).

But you need to give yourself permission to put it down now. YOU know that you apologised. You know she saw the apologies. You can't take responsibility for her not having it within herself to accept them.

I really feel for you, I remember how raw I felt when this happened to me (and sometimes still do, if I'm depressed about something else - it always rears its head as a "failure" in my life that I wasn't able to rectify)

You sent a nasty message. You didn't axe-murder her entire family. And you have apologised. You need to let yourself put it down. You don't need her compliance to do that, you can make the decision yourself.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

It just feels so sad to me - the whole thing makes me sad.

Maybe she thinks I shouldn't have left ex but I was unbelievably miserable and had no choice. And she agreed he was an arse before I left - and I have heard on the grapevine that he is now annoying the entire group I have left behind and they have had many disagreements - so I still don't get why a sorry from me isn't good enough.
I can't comprehend how you can disown someone after one mistake and just draw a line under it and decide you are over. My friend says "that's just what she's like". I want to just get over it and move on - but my subconscious just can't let it go - and it causes me stress.
Has she no heart?! I thought maybe me being pregnant she might have a little sympathy and say "it's ok" - I told her in one of my many apologies that I was so sorry and not resolving it was causing me stress and still - nothing.

[AllIWantForXmasIsJewels]

Odd that she was angry with him that he ignored her when he was with you and now is by his side. Does she fancy him?

[cozietoesie]

iamwhaticallpregnant

My instinct is that, if you've sent her all these texts and messages and she's not replied once - she's likely enjoying this. And if she's enjoying your discomfiture, she was not a real friend. (A real friend might have taken mortal offence but they would, I think, have written to you and explained that things were over - even if only a brief note.)

Sorry if it sounds harsh but I think that all you're doing now is feeding her.

You made a mistake, yes. Admit that to yourself (as you've done), forgive yourself and put it behind you. And have a great remainder of your pregnancy!

[Selks]

This is more about you than her. I don't mean that in a critical or unfriendly way.

[schobe]

No she actually sounds cruel. It wouldn't take much to say, look just forget about it, this has obviously got completely out of proportion for you.

I agree with Greensleeves, these things do rear their heads when we're particularly vulnerable (or hormonal!)

I remember not being able to sleep and spending hours planning how I would find the contact details for, and apologise profusely to, a boy I finished with when I was SIXTEEN. I wasn't even horrible to him really.

It made so much sense in the dead of night and when I was down about something else. I was displacing whatever was really the problem onto that, goodness knows why.

A few days afterwards, I actually had to laugh out loud at myself when I remembered my plan.

[CinnabarRed]

If I'd received so many messages from someone I'd fallen out with, I'd find it unnerving, to be honest with you. It would make me far less inclined to accept her apology, rather than more.

But I think schobe has it - she's his friend not yours.

[olgaga]

I agree with sowornout and AllIWant. Keep reading those posts.

Tell yourself, and any mutual friends too, that you are also "done" with it. You've apologised, that's all you can do. You've now moved on and have a lot to look forward to.

I don't know what you said, but it's clear you were in a relationship which was very, very bad for you - and you didn't feel supported by her. You've now left that relationship, and the second I left him she was by his side like nothing had happened.

She was keen to dump you - at the first excuse. You gave her that excuse. She obviously wasn't much of a friend anyway, and certainly not one worth keeping. I'm sure you feel you have let yourself down, you sound like a fundamentally nice person who doesn't want to hurt anyone. Yes it's nice to have an apology accepted, and no feeling of "unfinished business" hanging over you.

However, these things do happen. I still cringe with embarrassment occasionally when I remember things I did or said that I shouldn't have done decades ago (usually when I'd had far too much to drink). It's part of being a decent human being, and having a conscience. If you weren't so nice you wouldn't give a damn!

But you mustn't let it "take over", and make you this unhappy, for the sake of yourself and your baby. I would strongly advise you, if you aren't able to shake off this bad memory and these regrets, to speak to your MW or GP. It can be a sign of depression or PTSD.

[madeiracake]

Iam Clearly she has other reasons for wanting to defriend and this isn't really about your text at all. The cynical part of me thinks AllIWantforXmas is probably right, but it could be something else.

you made a mistake, but you apologised, she is now in the wrong not you. let it go.

[Anskabel]

No advice I'm afraid, but I thought I'd share as I can relate to your situation:

18 months ago I went through a horrific relationship breakup and hit rock bottom. I was glad to be out of the relationship, was but reeling from the appalling way my ex had treated me.

My best friend had always been the one I'd confided in throughout the relationship. She had a lot of issues herself and I went out of my way to help her - we were each others' rocks. I introduced her to my ex and they became friends through me - they worked in similar fields so had that in common, but she also saw his exasperating side and said she didn't know how I put up with him.

Two weeks before breaking up with my ex, I had a horrendous row with my friend and said some things I regretted (without going into too much detail, I had haywire pregnancy hormones at the time, ex was being abusive to me and in the middle of this she had a mental breakdown, decided to come and stay with us until she got better, was drinking too much and acting like a complete slag during this time and encouraged my ex to smoke again after he had finally managed to quit)

When I did leave my ex, miscarrying the baby, she didn't reach out to me, despite the fact I had apologised sincerely. Instead, she was a shoulder to cry on to my ex. Of course in his melodramatic way all she got to hear was his one-sided rant. I never asked her not to speak to him - all our other friends who saw what he'd done to me were smart enough to make their own choice to cut him off.

After a couple of months things calmed down enough for me to meet up with my friend, but the relationship wasn't the same - I no longer felt I could confide in her - how did I know it wouldn't get back to my ex?

What finally put the nail in the coffin was her deceit - she'd been going to see my ex in the new city he'd moved to but had hidden the Facebook photographs and updates from me so I wouldn't find out. I did find out however and when I asked her why she felt the need to lie to me she couldn't give me a straight answer (100% sure wasn't because they liked each other in THAT way)

I've now been with my new man for 16 months, am blissfully happy with him and the split with my ex is long behind me. Like you, however, I still struggle to come to terms with the break up of my friendship. She was the closest female friend I ever had, and it's left a void in my life.

I hate myself for looking at her Facebook profile all the time (we're no longer friends on there, but her profile has no security) I despise myself for resenting the fact she looks happy with a new man, that she has seemingly left the chaos of her old life behind. It's like I want her to suffer for what she did to me, yet ironically I am the one suffering caught up in this negativity. I was working on my laptop in a cafe the other day, and in she walked with her new man, completely ignoring me. I hadn't expected to see her as they'd moved away from my area, so it unnerved me and I ended up walking out, unable to concentrate.

Thing is, I don't even want to be friends with her again. By all accounts I'm not the first girl she's had an intense friendship with, followed by a cataclysmic fallout (in fact, I'm about the fifth) yet for some reason I can't let this pain and anger go.

[Lavenderhoney]

Congratulations on your turning your life around. You did that without her, and if you were still friends, chances are she wouldnt fit in with you now anyway. She could cause you all sorts of problems.

You have done what you can. Delete her off your phone, fb, everything. Look forward. You have a new baby and hopefully a dp who loves you very much and might be hurt at your worrying about this woman who ignores you. She isn't worth your worry. Think nice thoughts and look forward to your baby:)

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

Thank you everyone. Everything you all say makes perfect sense. I havent bombarded her in a maniacal way. Probably 4 long apologies over 8 months spaced apart. Partner and mum just cant fathom why i would give it so much thought - but I just hate things hanging over my head and as she is in the cjrcle of friends i have had since school it's just hard to hear about her or have to take her into account if i plan a lunch or something.

I always suspected that she fancied him (although she's with someone else) and her ex alluded to them having 'something' we didnt know about. Which perhaps also prompted her to be the one i took my pain out on in that text.

The text wasnt even that bad - just sort of said i couldnt understand why she had forgiven him for everything so easily. So i agree that it's def not about that txt.

The thing is - if they both came out and said we are together it wouldnt bother mein the least as i feel literally nothing at all towards him and i made a big mistake ever getting together with him in the first place. A part of me would even be relieved because maybe it'd even the score and she could FINALLY forgive me.

To be honest I have never really liked her but have always been a friend - which makes it even more insane that i am so upset over it.

[StrawWars]

The problem, I think is this: "I find it hard to cope with the fact that someone out there hates me" I doubt she hates you, that takes a lot of effort. "To be honest I have never really liked her" - and she isn't keen on you, but I think she gives you much less headspace than you give her.

You've said yourself you don't like her. It's okay for someone to not like you. You don't have to "fix" it. You give her such power by seeking her approval in this way. Just accept you're not friends any more, and that that's okay - it doesn't mean you are a bad person.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

Yep you're right. I give everyone a lot more headspace than they give me - I always have done. I don't know why. Hate it about myself. She's sitting somewhere and probably literally hasnt thought of it or me for months - yet here I am on mumsnet still obsessing over it. I sometimes think a labotomy is the only option.

[TheLightPassenger]

Great advice from greensleeves and others. I do sympathise, I do get horribly obsessive over perceived rejection by others and/or friendships that go pear-shaped. As greensleeves says, try and focus your energies on what is within your control. And yes, absolutely forgive yourself. Ultimately time (and a new baby) will help you put this behind you.

[Xales]

First off you sent her a horrible message, now it is not so horrible.

She was his friend so was a shoulder for him when he needed. Many people can be angry with friends and willing to drop that when they are in need!

Then you never liked her!

You try an apology by various means and then get other people involved.

She must be completely obtuse if she has never picked up your opinions of her before.

It is none of your business if they had something before you got together, if she fancied him when you were together but didn't act on it or if they have got together since you left!

Leave her alone. She has made it clear you crossed a line and she does not want any contact.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

Wow Xales - that's made me feel fantastic. Thanks for that.
I said it was a horrible message but in myopinion not hideously horrible. For example I didnt swear or call her anything bad. On a scale of bad messages I dont think it was up there with the worst.
I think if she has had a previous relationship with/fancied or is now with my ex husband it is a little bit my business but as I said I would be alright with this.
I got a mutual friend involved because i was at the end of my rope.
Thanks for your message though - it really helped me get over it. I have left her
alone now but i hardly think im a bad person for trying to apologise to a friend after a mistake.

[Xales]

Sorry iam. I did not intend to make you feel bad.

I was just trying to show it from the other side.

Anything between them before or after your relationship still isn't even a little bit of your business. Even if she fancied him what is there to know about that either especially as you say he never contacted her while with you?

It really is a waste of your time and energies.