Am I right to feel unhappy about this ?

[Marsbarcheesecake]

Am 45 & have been with boyfriend (47) for 21 months. Get on great - never had a cross word. I was married to a very controlling man for 20 yrs but finally got out 3yrs ago. Boyfriend married way too young wife cheated on him with his then best friend & he's spent the last 16yrs shagging around & avoiding relationships. We just clicked - neither of us knew what we wanted but we did know what we didn't want !! We've been on holiday together twice & met each other's children & families and it's lovely.
But there's a fly in the ointment .... his best friend has recently split from his girlfriend (from hell !) of 7yrs & is trying to 'get his toe back in the water' on the dating scene. Boyfriend & I have been very supportive during split & have just set him up on match.com (technophobe !) but he's constantly nagging my boyfriend to go on boys night out because boyfriend is such an 'expert with women' (don't like to disillusion either of them that shagging around does not make you an expert on women ... just on shagging !!). So at the wkend boyfriend tells me he's promised to go out with him this Saturday (usually one of our nights together).
Now this isn't a trust issue with me - I trust him completely. He often works away 2/3 days a week & we've both been away with our own friends since being together. And I don't have a problem with him going out with his friends & of course it's not like I expect him to never talk to another woman. It's just that the whole purpose of this night out is to meet women & boyfriend actually said friend stands a better chance of meeting someone if he's with him !! Add to this that said friend flirts outrageously with me whenever I see him (in front of boyfriend) and often makes remarks about boyfriends 'past' and I just feel seriously uncomfortable.
I don't want this to be the cause of our first argument but I need to try and explain how I feel- which I guess is basically that his friend does not respect our relationship and that I feel offended by the premise of the whole evening.
Thoughts please.

[squeakytoy]

I cant really see too much of a problem with this. I have single mates, I am married, but we go on nights out, she pulls, I could, but I dont because I am married... he isnt asking your BF to cheat on you, just help him to get chatting to someone.

Chatting to others is not cheating.

[Djembe]

It's a really big test of your trust, tbh! I'd be a bit peed off if my partner did this, but I also know that it would be totally unreasonable of me to say anything. Your role here is unfortunately to smile magnanimously and crack jokes about what an expert he must be. The more laid-back about it you appear to be, the better. He needs to know you trust him implicitly. Can you arrange to do something fun that night yourself to keep your mind occupied and stop you worrying?

[Marsbarcheesecake]

Yes Adverse on the pull in pubs then prob on to club. The three of us went out with some other friends a few weeks ago with the same intent - we even got him talking to a woman & he asked for her number but then never called her ??!

Thanks squeaky toy - perhaps you're right ... purpose of post was to get some perspective.

[Charbon]

Rather than the 'girlfriend from hell' she sounds like a remarkably sensible woman to ditch this loser.....

Assuming he is also 47-ish, going out on the pull where he's expecting your partner to attract women and run distraction on the ones he's less interested in while he moves in for the kill, makes him sound like a total knobhead. When added to him flirting with you and joking about your partner's sexual past, it's not a pretty picture.

If your partner is prepared to flirt with other women and act as wingman to this idiot, then I'd make a judgement about that. It's not about mistrust as much as disrespect towards you if he openly flirts with women in a club and deceit of them too to waste their time with someone who is unavailable. His friend isn't asking your partner to 'chat' to other women, he's asking him to 'chat them up' after all.

You are perfectly reasonable in feeling uncomfortable about it and if you do, you should say something.

[Feckbox]

it's not a big deal, so long as your BF is happy to go.

In my single days when you met blokes in pubs and stuff you quite quickly found out who was single and who was available not.

[Feckbox]

Like squeaky, I sometimes go out with my single ( on the pull) friend.
I don't much like it but she's my friend and I love her and want to help her out.

I have never been remotely tempted !!

[homeofhelp]

i dont see the problem at all. he is going to go out with his friend who wants to go on the pull. maybe his friend is more confident when your boyfriend is around. you trust your boyfriend so there is really no problem at all your boyfriend had his fun before he met you so its out of his system so to speak. his friend may not be ready to say good bye to one night stands because he hasnt met the right person unlike your boyfriend. just tell him to have a fun evening and you have a night in with your friends or go out with your friends if you can.

[dequoisagitil]

If the friend makes you uncomfortable with his flirting, stomp on it. You don't have to go along with it or laugh it off, just give him a Paddington bear stare or say something crushing. (You might forewarn your bloke that you are going to do this). You should not put up with behaviour that makes you feel uneasy or creeped out.

As for the night out, hmm - I'd go out with the girls and meet up with bf at the end of the night.

[Charbon]

But the OP does feel unhappy about this and wants to know if her feelings are valid and whether she's entitled to express them.

The answer to that, regardless of whether other posters would feel the same, is surely that her feelings are as valid as anyone else's and that it's better to express them honestly to a partner instead of pretending that she feels fine about the premise of this evening out, therefore projecting a falsehood?

[Djembe]

I'd say Charbon that her feelings Re definitely valid and I sympathise. But that's not the same as then having the right to 'express' her feelings by making her partner feel guilty for going out, iyswim. I have all sorts of feelings about people doing things I don't like - I don't always express those feelings

[ArtVandelay]

This friend sounds deluded. He'd be a f*ck load better off joining a normal activity and meeting men and women in a dignified and respectful way. Honestly, men that treat 'women' as some homogenous mass to be treat with imaginary 'techniques' really boil my piss. He sounds like a dinosaur, an old dinosaur lumbering round nightclubs. Stamp out that flirting with you. It's completely disrepectful and obviously feeds his delusion. Your boyfriend sounds a bit deluded too, about his magical ways with the ladies.

[ArtVandelay]

And the friend would probably be over the moon if you two split up so, bear that in mind while you are dealing with this stuff. He is not really a friend of the relationship.