No affection, no sex, six mths pregnant - lost and upset

[EggsandBacon]

Hi,
I don't know where else to go as I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone in real life. I'm six mths pregnant with my second DC, been with my DH for eight years, and he is no longer showing me any affection or having sex. I feel completely rejected and humiliated in my attempts to get close to him.

Background is - he is quite an emotionally closed off person, but very kind underneath, just struggles to express himself. Before DC1 we would regularly have sex, his libido is greater than mine so often initiated by him, but I would always make an effort also. Since DC1 it has not been as regular as it is hard to get time together (we both work full time, and DC1 is a bad sleeper, so only time is really at bedtime). Now I am pregnant and have put on a lot of weight, I'm not sure if this is the problem or something else...

It has been a month since we last had sex, and that wasn't that successful. Since then I have kept trying to initiate it when we go to bed - cuddling up to him, etc. He just lies there, doesn't respond to me at all when I do it. Sometimes he has just mentioned being tired, and I've taken that as him saying 'not interested tonight'. This weekend I was desperate to initiate some sort of physical contact, as he doesn't even cuddle me or touch me. So each night I was trying to cuddle up to him. He gets into bed and immediately wraps the duvet round himself so it is hard for me to get close. Friday = 'tired'. Saturday I managed to get him a bit aroused I think but then he turned over and said he was tired and wanted to sleep. I cried quietly so he wouldn't know I was upset. Last night I gave him a hand job, he just lay there the whole time - yawning sometimes I think to tell me he wasn't interested, or maybe he was just lying back and enjoying it? He didn't say anything afterwards, just went to the bathroom and then got back into bed and turn onto his side away from me. I felt so humiliated, like it was really seedy or something.

I've asked him indirectly if anything is wrong, he just says no, it is hard to get him to even say that one word. He is fine talking if it is just about DC1, but I can't even get him to chat about anything else. I don't know what has happened for it to get like this, and now I'm scared I don't know how to turn it around (and I'm only going to get bigger and fatter and have less time and be more tired). I realise the only way to work it out is to have a conversation with him, but I can't seem to get him talking (although I've only been very indirect). Don't know if I should just leave it and hope for the best, but it feels like the longer this goes on the worse it will get.

So embarrassed. Please say nice things as I can't check this at home and I don't want to cry at work!! Pretending I've got something in my eye at the moment.

[mammadiggingdeep]

So sorry you're feeling so sad. I'm bit sure what to say to help but wanted to h

[mammadiggingdeep]

Sorry- bloody phone.

Wanted to hold your hand. Please know that it isn't anything you've done, or is wrong with you- it's his issues. How you get him to talk about them I don't know. Hopefully wiser mumsnetters will come along soon.....hang in there xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have to challenge him about this head on. Not 'what's wrong?' because that gets you nowhere. Instead give him both barrels about how you're feeling.... taken for granted, unloved, unwanted... and how his behaviour.... distant, contemptuous, monosyllabic, offensive (duvet wrapped around so you can't touch him - wtf???) ... is completely unacceptable. If he doesn't want to talk... ask him to leave for a time.

This is not yours to 'turn around' because the problem is not with you, it's him. He's acting like a twat.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... yawning during a hand-job? How demeaning!

[lookingfoxy]

Yes you definetly need to challenge this head on.
No more beating about the bush with 'are you alright', ask why he doesn't show you any affection anymore, why doesn't he want sex.
Be specific so he can't fob you off.
Sorry if sounds hard but you really need to ask.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Been thinking.....you use the words 'embarrassed' and 'humiliated'. You really shouldn't feel like that. His behavior is totally twatish! So you've put a bit of weight on, you're knackered, you can't perhaps be as energetic as you usually would- if that's the radon behind his change of attitude he should be the one who is embarrassed. Wrapping a duvet round himself?!?! He should defo be embarrassed. I agree- don't try to approach it in discussion terms- tell him what you've told us. Good luck x

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Does he watch a lot of internet porn? That's horribly addictive, and men start thinking that real women should behave like the ones on the porn websites

[lookingfoxy]

My EX used to wrap the duvet around himself as well and avoid sex, it is very embarrassing and humiliating.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Also, I totally understand where your coming from with the "yawning" whilst giving him a handjob.

I once had a boyfriend who turned to take a sip of his cup of tea on the bedside table when I was giving him a blowjob - i dumped him shortly after, couldn't really explain to myself why i didn't like what he did, but i knew it wasn't right.

[EggsandBacon]

Demeaning was certainly the word. Ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed. I seem to be cultivating a talent for crying silently in bed.

I don't know how to time bringing up what's going on. I don't know if he even has noticed (he has had a bug on and off the last couple of weeks so I wondered if that was it - scraping the barrel a bit!!). He travels with work and will be away on and off for the next couple of weeks, so wondering whether to wait until he gets back. Or say something before he goes - or is that worse as then we're not together to work through it? We've never had to explicitly solve a problem before, normally problems just come to a head with him being angry/defensive/on the attack, and me just trying to fix it because I hate arguments or confrontation.

Or do I just leave it a bit longer - has only been 'bad' for three - four weeks (not that it has even been perfect as such, but I haven't been this worried/scared before), maybe things will improve with a bit more time.

I'm scared that confronting it will make it worse when perhaps it would've got better on its own, also scared that not confronting it will allow the situation to deteriorate to the point it can't be saved. Just feel like time is running out, only three months til DC2 arrives and then what?

I feel like he is behaving like I've done something wrong and I don't know what it is. Like maybe he is upset with me and is therefore not showing any affection. But when we text each other during the day, he is always saying positive things, e.g. 'let's have an evening out before Christmas', and ends them with kisses, so I think that means he's not upset with me?

Also embarrassed that after eight years I appear to still not know how to talk to my own husband, you'd have thought he'd be the one person I can be straight with, but I guess I'm afraid of upsetting him or making it worse. I considered writing to him on email about it, but it would be have to be at work, and it seems childish.

Thanks, not cried yet but have told work I have a cold hence the watery eyes.

[EggsandBacon]

Sorry, took so long to write that I x posted with everyone. Yes to the internet porn I think, that is an issue we have as he wants to do stuff that I'm either uncomfortable with or just don't have the energy for!! I guess I just need to confront this. Not sure when to do it as on weekdays I have to go to work the next day, and weekends are difficult with his work.

to hear that this has happened to people with exes - don't want him to be an ex - can't do the baby thing on my own. And can't believe it would come to that?

[maras2]

What an arragant pig,ignoring your attempts to make love.I feel so angry for you.I hate to say this,especially as you are pregnant,but do you think that there may be another woman?I so hope not but he does sound a bit suss.Hope to God that I'm wrong.

[Charbon]

Hmmm...

He's a porn user who travels away a lot for work.

Could an affair be a possibility, OP?

[EggsandBacon]

I did think about if it was another woman, but to be honest, the work travel is now few and far between (used to be more often) and I don't see how he'd have time to see anyone else at other times, as he rarely goes out apart from the very occasional work do, and even then he doesn't stay out late. So unless he was seeing someone on his lunchbreak, it doesn't seem logistically possible!! And besides, I don't think he'd actually do it.

I just keep coming back to the fact that this seems to be a recent development - I'm sure that even as recent as October I wasn't noticing it (certainly everything was normal in September). It is really just the last 3 weeks it has been noticeable. And then I wonder if perhaps it is my hormones and I am being over sensitive - perhaps he is stressed at work, he has had a bit of a bug, perhaps he is not sure how to react to my pregnant body. I'm trying to find temporary reasons you see, so I can say that this is temporary and we'll be ok. I don't want this to be a big deal, I want it to be not as bad as I feel right now. He can be very insensitive and often doesn't realise the way he behaves can be upsetting.

I think I will see how things are this week and then discuss at the weekend. I can't face coming into work if it turns out to be an awful conversation.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He can be very insensitive and often doesn't realise the way he behaves can be upsetting."

So tell him. "I'm upset and you're being insensitive". No more creeping about trying to initiate sex. No more yawny hand-jobs etc. No more insecure wondering if he doesn't like you because you've put on a few pounds.... of his baby!!! You're upset because you're being cold-shouldered. Stop looking for temporary excuses or ways to avoid the conversation. Demand some attention from Mr Insensitive

[Charbon]

It's precisely because you think this is a recent development - and he's got some away trips coming up - together with all the other behaviour, that I'd be suspicious about an affair. You'd be amazed how many people in affairs see eachother while they are meant to be at work - especially if both are in relationships. They take leave, invent fake business trips, schedule early departures from work or late starts. The changed behaviour you are describing is synonymous with a new affair. Please don't rule it out.

And while I would encourage you to raise grievances about what is in the public domain e.g. his recent behaviour and the lack of sex, affection and interest - I'd advise against asking him if there is anyone else. If he was going to admit that, he would do so in this conversation but there's very little chance of that.

Instead, I'd listen very carefully to what he says are his reasons - and then having asked for changes, see if he puts these into action. Meanwhile, be vigilant about any signs of an affair e.g. attachment to his phone, vagueness about his movements (especially in relation to the upcoming trips) and any sense that he is being secretive about what's really going on.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I was going to say affair - the lack of affection, the porn, the work trips away (and probably lunchtimes/secret afternoons off work) are all red flags.

Is he possessive with his phone/laptop?

[Nomorepain]

Hate to say it but this sounds so much like my situation it is unbelievable. My stbexh cheated on me when I was pregnant - their behaviour is identical. Believe me they find a way to make time for the ow!! I think you need to have an honest discussion with your husband. And be prepared to not like what you might find out.

Make sure you have got some support somewhere in the shape of family or friends. Look after yourself, dd and your baby. You will get through this xx

[MadameOneSword]

Before jumping to the he's having an affair stage try talking to him, don't let people put ideas in up your head OP, chances are you're already hormonal and emotional at your stage so please please don't read these posts and go oh crap, he's shagging someone else!

My dh didn't enjoy sex while I was more heavily pg, i didn't agree with him but he had his reasons!

Please talk to him, youve had 8 years of marriage surely you could bring this up. If not directly, use the I've got this friend technique!

[GetAllTheThings]

OP, having young babies can be unsettling for some men ( I speak as one ) when it comes to sex. And despite what a lot of Mother and Baby magazines say not all men are comfortable having sex with a pregnant dp / dw. I wasn't and there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. So I internalized it and worried that if I showed affection my then dp would think I was leading her on.

I know that sounds terrible, and I was affectionate but just at times when it couldn't lead to sex.

I'd also say, and I appologise in advance, but a lot of weight gain can be a turn off. 

He may be struggling with his feelings about all of this and feel guilty knowing you want sex when he's lost his libedo and finds it hard to express his feelings.

You're right in that the longer you leave it the worse it'll get.

But the only way you're going to fix this is, as said, tell him how you are feeling and hopefully find out what's going on with him.

[MadameOneSword]

See listen to this guy ^ well done for talking some sense!

Dh said he found it creepy that baby was there and was scared he/she would know what we were up to he said he would do it with dd1 or 2 I the same room so it wasn't okay with dc3

It really hurt at first but I have no worries that all will return to normal

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

Do you think he's fightened of pressuring you or hurting the baby?

[EdithWeston]

Some men do get a bit weird about penetrative ex if they think the baby is watching, or dream up misplaced ideas of what is 'suitable' during pregnancy.

But I'd have expected that to be ruefully admitted, turned into a joke even. And it doesn't even begin to cover the (far more worrying) withdrawal of affection.

You do need to tackle this. Yes, an affair is a possibility (possibly a recently ended one), but it's not the only one. Something is bothering him, and I do think it would be wrong to let this slide.

Can you explore what's up without being confrontational?

[Charbon]

I really don't think that an irrational fear of damaging an unborn baby, lack of desire for a pregnant woman - or indeed anything at all - excuses yawning during sexual activity and then retreating in silence while your frustrated wife goes without even a hug or a kiss, let alone a reciprocal orgasm. The OP also says that he has stopped engaging about anything other than their child and is giving the impression that she has done something wrong.

It's depressing that some posters like to find all sorts of excuses for men's lousy behaviour towards their partners. I hope the OP won't join them in accepting this sort of treatment.

[MadameOneSword]

So you're perfectly willing to accuse this man of an affair knowing only the information you have above! Please!

I'm not saying what he is doing is right but there's a big step between that and him cheating, projecting your own possible maltreatment onto someone else's situation isn't helpful. This may be an absolute shock but not all men are lousy.

No one suggested she should accept it, but we did suggest she talk to him without going in all guns blazing, I'm sorry but unless you have absolute proof you have no right to accuse this man of an affair, and it's wrong to out those ideas In a fragile woman's mind!

Im not looking to start an argument, so we shall have to agree to disagree