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I don't feel the same way about him anymore!

(173 Posts)
marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:13:48

I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.

I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.

The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 23:05:28

All I can say is he just convinced me, you can judge me all u like for that perhaps I deserve it but I just don't feel like I want to explain myself any more, I'm in the situation and now its time to get out. anyfucker its not dismissing your input I'm sure you mean well. I just don't want to defend myself anymore I just want to get out, and I'm trying to think of ways to keep strong and not be weak and go back because if I'm not ready for whats coming I may well do that and be moaning on here in another month, I'm trying to recognise my weaknesses and do something about it!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 25-Nov-12 23:07:58

Why do you think he was able to talk you round the previous times you tried to end it?

What are you getting out of this relationship that a part of you feels is worth the abuse?

(I am asking this seriously, M, in case this helps you sort issues out in your mind and feel less panicky; I'm not having a go at you.)

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 23:13:54

if you see judgement all around you...you will fail in your attempts to detach from him

seriously

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 23:18:15

ok I'm trying to think........
He is just VERY convincing, I've NEVER known anyone like him, he even convinced my friend I was over reacting and being over sensitive, over analysing etc etc. She very nearly turned against me until she realised herself what he had done. I started to believe it in the end too. He told me I needed help as I was soooo sensitive. He also said the things I wanted to hear such as he wants to be a family unit, he wants whats best for us and be there for the children. Also he would apologise for making me feel the way he did, he didn't do it intentionally etc. I wanted to believe him I guess.

I am getting nothing out of the relationship other than someone to call upon when there is trouble, someone to rely on however he hasn't been reliable and has been a complete arsehole when I have needed him. There's only so much a person can take. I'm trying to think what good things there have been, there must of been something to make me want to musn't there????? confused myself :-(

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 23:25:03

this is what they do it is very convincing

they can draw in all your friends and family

LemonDrizzled Sun 25-Nov-12 23:37:30

You might find some of the support you are looking for on The EA Support thread
There are a friendly bunch there who are all somewhere on the path out of an abusive relationship to life on the other side.
They will understand the spaghetti head that these twisty bastards can induce and how that stops you from thinking clearly.
Also the links are very helpful in knowing your enemy.

All good wishes to you OP

And in time you will see that AFs advice is worth 10 times the rest even if it is strong medicine to swallow

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 23:44:37

Thank you Lemon I will take a look x

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 23:47:38

that is a great thread

skyebluesapphire Mon 26-Nov-12 00:00:30

please contact Womens Aid, they will help you to deal with this and to escape from it as well.

You know that everyone is talking sense, you really cant stay there any longer than necessary

ninjasquirrel Mon 26-Nov-12 07:28:17

One thing you learn by reading these boards is that all these bastards work to a script. So there are lots of women on here who've successfully got out of of relationships with men just like him. He's not as clever or unique as he thinks he is!

ninjasquirrel Mon 26-Nov-12 07:29:20

The flip side of that is once you are out for God's sake don't hook up with the same type again.

iloveweetos Mon 26-Nov-12 07:41:59

Hugs!
Op I agree with any fucker. Didn't see anything wrong with her post tbh, hit the nail on the head IMO.
Any fucker don't be put off giving advice xxx

JustFabulous Mon 26-Nov-12 07:56:09

He is only convincing because you let him be.

Just because he is doesn't mean you have to stay.

No one is going to empathise about you staying with a twat when you should be thinking of your children.

If you said I am seeing a man, I need to leave him but don't know how too then people will help. Making excuses and minimising things is going to get you nowhere.

You managed to "just" find a freedom programme so maybe you could manage to just change your locks to start with. You could do it today, it wouldn't cost very much and it would go a long way to keeping him out of your home. Get a chain fitted too and a bolt.

joblot Mon 26-Nov-12 08:15:47

I think now's the time to talk to real life friends, you've mentioned one who knows what he's like. It's hard but talk to her and get support. Remember this is a forum- you will get people telling you their opinions just as you would in real life. Sift through and use what helps for you at this point

marvelousM Mon 26-Nov-12 09:40:50

Thanks everyone for your advice, some of you have helped more than you know to spur me on. Some comments have made me very emotional, ashamed and not had a good effect but I appreciate what people are trying to do I really do. However I'd rather be left alone now to deal with it or I will find support somewhere else, as some comments I just find too much so maybe mumsnet isn't for me like someone said but I will look around at the various threads and see what I find. Thanks again x

chickpeanow Mon 26-Nov-12 09:55:42

Nooooooo!!! MarvellousM this fills me with horror - I really hope that you get out of this shortly with minimal damage.

Please do though. You take care. Come back!

It's great you don't live with him. A good start.

Can you, as has been suggested, change the locks on YOUR home, and text/say to him I have come to the end of the road with this relationship now, it's over.

It has only been about a year and so there's no need to rake over the whole business. Just say it's over and that's it.

Be firm.

Good luck

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 26-Nov-12 10:28:33

The message is hard to hear. It is overwhelming to have one's world rocked like this. I understand it makes you emotional, and that you want to resist what you are reading here.

Yes, it's hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially one that you have normalised and grown to depend on. Yes, it means admitting that you are in an abusive situation, and accepting that only you can get yourself out of it: he won't stop abusing you just because it's the right and good thing to do; there is no magical solution to make him be a better person, and there is no magical way to make the splitting up painless. And you will have to face the frightening prospect of doing all of this on your own, and then being on your own with no lover and partner afterward, at least for a while. It is very, very frightening stuff to face up to.

But these things are far less damaging to you than remaining with such a man. And you CAN do it. And you deserve a better life than the one you are living now.

TisILeclerc Mon 26-Nov-12 10:33:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marvelousM Mon 26-Nov-12 15:00:08

Well I've told him its over. I don't love him anymore etc. The shouting and vile texts have begun :-( not from me I hasten to add!

SweetSeraphim Mon 26-Nov-12 15:40:42

You've been marvellous, marvelous grin

I know it's hard, love. But this is not a good man, truly. Try and stay strong x

SweetSeraphim Mon 26-Nov-12 15:41:20

And tell him if he keeps harassing you, you'll call the police. And mean it.

Lovingfreedom Mon 26-Nov-12 15:53:52

No-one called you stupid. You are the only one who used that word, or indeed that sentiment. There are lots of women on this board who thought they wouldn't cope, but did. Ok every situation is slightly different...but there are similarlities. That's why it helps to test out ideas and get support from other posters on this board.

Your DP sounds awful and I agree...why wait til Christmas when you can do it now. Do it whenever it suits you. The Christmas presents are not a reason for not taking action you need and want to take..they might be an excuse.

I split from my husband about this time last year. I thought about waiting until after Xmas too. I didn't though and was pleased I didn't. Xmas was emotional but ended up being really enjoyable. Kids were fine. He is their Dad. We both saw them but at different times. If in your case he's not their dad then you can decide whether or not he would see them at Xmas at all.

aufaniae Mon 26-Nov-12 16:01:31

Well done Marvelous smile

Have you got anyone in RL who can support you? Could you ask a friend to come and stay with you for a few days perhaps?

aufaniae Mon 26-Nov-12 16:02:17

"And tell him if he keeps harassing you, you'll call the police. And mean it."

Yes, absolutely. If he makes you feel scared, call the police, that's what they're there for.

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