Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

(256 Posts)
Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:23:56

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.

I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

Dear Owl
You don't need to do anything right away. Gather your thoughts. Try try try to get some sleep, ensure you eat something and take care of basics first. Then, personally, I would wait a bit, and talk to DP. It's just so tricky to know when it is the truth you are hearing. In your shoes, I would ask my best friend's help, she is calm, no-nonsense and loves me. Big unmumsnetty hug.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sun 25-Nov-12 04:29:24

sad

I'm sorry!

The fact that he's shown no remorse shows that he's probably moved on.

If not (and he apologises properly) could you forgive him?

ktef Sun 25-Nov-12 04:32:16

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you are right to have got out and got yourself some space. How did he react when you left?

Strawhatpirate Sun 25-Nov-12 04:33:23

I don't know what to say wine try and get some rest so you have a clear head. Then later on collect your DS and have a really nice day out together. Unfortunately I think that the only thing H is sorry about is being caught.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:34:02

Thank you littlemiss, I feel full if adrenaline but shattered I would love to sleep.

He has said sorry but yes there was an unbelievable lack of heartfeltness about it. If he's moved on then why couldn't he speak to me about it instead of doing this?

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:36:37

Ktef, he wanted to know where I was going, TBH I didn't really know at the time so I told him I needed to get out. He said I was being silly and should just sleep in our sons room. I don't know what he will think when Im not there in the morning.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:39:29

Even though my priority is DS Straw, Im afraid that Im not feeling strong enough to put on a brave face for DS tomorrow. My mum was very emotional and highly strung when I was growing up, I've always wanted to be a strong mu to DS, but I'm not sure I can do it.

Wankarella Sun 25-Nov-12 04:40:44

I have to go soon but I couldn't let this just hang here, I'm sorry to read this, it's terrible that his excuse is 'not been getting it on'... I think if I were you I would have rather-ed have heard 'I drank way too much'.

Do you know if this is the first time? Have you had any reason to suspect him before you were told by someone, I don't think you will get a lot of sleep tonight but try rest some and think of what to do tomorrow, was he devastated when you walked out? Did he say he was going to leave?

This need not be the end of your relationship you can over-come this but it takes two and he needs to work at it more than you right now, I know you will be feeling terrible and hurting badly (been there) try get some rest and go back tomorrow and sit down and have a proper talk when you are calmer, ask for more details other than 'we're not getting it on' as that's no excuse to be kissing someone else, I think you need to find out if it was just an kiss or something more and then talk it all out, tell him you need him to be brutally honest with you and no lies. Don't think so far ahead about your boy. No-one had left yet, you have just took some time out for breathing space.

Take care I will check back tomorrow and hopefully someone else will come along with some advice,do try rest though, I know it may seem impossible as you head will be reeling but try to push those thoughts to the back of you mind and concentrate on your breathing, every time your brain hits a bad thought tell yourself to think about your breathing, I used to do this and it worked and let me get some rest/sleep for a while.

Once again I am so sorry but try not to think too far ahead right now, you need to have more information before you can decide what you want to do from here in!

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:46:59

Thank you wankerella, I've always trusted him in the past, because I thought he just wouldn't do this to me. I've nothing specific that I'm suspicious of but if he can do this in a pub which is local to us then god only knows what else he is capable of. It sounds like he hadnt met her before, snogging in a pub fgs, we're not teenagers anymore. My trust feels shattered.

Strawhatpirate Sun 25-Nov-12 04:50:03

Do you think your Mum could keep DS for a bit longer? Then you could get some headspace and some proper rest.

Yes to everything Wankarella said! Breathing is a great focus point for you right now. You mind must be (mine would be) running wild with thoughts, and that's not usually helpful. Try to focus on what is relevant only. Your DS can handle a few days of mummy not being in the best mood, if having him around will help to distract you at least partially.

Whatever happens next (and FWIW I agree that this does not, as things stand, have to be the end of your relationship) your DP must not be left under the impression that this was just a minor error that's okay. He will need to be totally honest to you and himself, as to how he could allow that to happen, and respond as he did to your questions, and he should earn your trust again. My heart aches for you, and I really hope that this man will see sense and do everything possible to fix this mess he created.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:54:54

I'm sure mum would happily keep DS straw but I would need to make up SN excuse, which would probably be transparent to her and I don't think I want her to know. I will give it some thought though.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 04:58:25

Thank you littlemiss, I was shocked that he didn't seem to want to fight for our relationship. He kept asking me what I was going to do, wether I want to make it work and referring back to the thing that had caused us to fall out recently.

I'm beginning to have a horrible suspicion that he's really not a very nice mansad.

lotsofcheese Sun 25-Nov-12 05:14:36

You poor thing! I have a feeling there's more to your DP's story than meets the eye.

Could you tell your mum you're not well? Eg d&v bug? Asking her to keep him for longer will give you more breathing space.

Really sorry you're going through this x

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 05:14:44

Sounds to me like he did it to punish you or to force the responsibility for the decision (to work on it or not), onto you when he had already made his decision.

I can see how you would feel that way. From what you described here he sounds ridiculously selfish. I'm very much hoping that this is not who he normally is, and that he will have a good think, realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and fight for his wife and son tomorrow.

But if he doesn't, or even if he does, but you decide that you can't be with him anymore, please don't be embarrassed to tell a few trustworthy people in RL. You need the support. Perhaps the honest friend who told you is a good starting point, as she already knows, and cares enough to risk the 'shoot the messenger' situation.

Toddle Sun 25-Nov-12 05:20:05

I'm not the best with words so someone else will come along during the day with much better advice but I'm up for the rest of the day if you just want to chat, keep you occupied.

Could you maybe ask your mum and say that somethings come up but you don't want to talk about it at the moment? Maybe wouldn't work if you think she will try to get it out of you.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 05:42:56

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Tears flowing now, which I guess is not always a bad thing.

I'm sad for me but whatever happens I will have to deal with it, I always do. But our son is such a lovely little chap, Im so proud if him and I know he would be devastated if his dad wasn't around. It breaks my heart to think of how confused and upset he would feel.i have tried do hard to give him a strong stable home and it's all crumbling around me.

FloralWellies Sun 25-Nov-12 05:46:20

I would be furious and upset too, but I also agree that I would try and do my best to keep my marriage together.

You need to speak to him, but you need to be rested, so text your mum and ask if she can keep your DS, just say you've been up all night with a bug so need to catch up on sleep or something and will have phone on silent.

Then to get yourself to sleep, try doing some stretches, I find that if you release the physical tension in your body, your mind soon follows. Also some breathing i learnt in my yoga class really helps.

Concentrate on your breathing, all through your nose. Breathe in to your chest and out through your belly.

In breath count up to 4, then breathe out, 8 (out breath longer than in breath) X 3

then in 5, out 10 x3
in6, out12 X3

keep going to your maximum and do 6 breaths then breath normally. Usually the concentrating on your breathing will distract your mind enough for it to switch off

ErikNorseman Sun 25-Nov-12 07:14:07

The instinct, when you have been cheated on, is often to 'fight for your relationship' and that is not a wrong instinct- it's ok to decide that you hope and wish to get past it. However, if 'fighting' actually means 'settling' for a half assed apology with a huge dollop of blame thrown in, some lack of responsibility and not much remorse, then you are on a hiding to nothing (personal experience and obsessive reading of the relationship board taught me that)
He may have to feel what he risked losing in a real way. And I'm not talking about playing games with him - I mean you need to demand and expect real remorse and examination of why and how he chose to cheat on you, and a genuine commitment to never doing it again. And if you don't get that, chances are he will do it again next time he's pissed off with you/the opportunity arises. If you can't live with that then you need to tell him so.

Owlfright Sun 25-Nov-12 07:50:17

Thanks Erik, I understand where you are coming from. Last night his remorse was sadly pretty weak.

I've spent a sleepiness night here and will head off home soon.

This has knocked the stuffing out of me, I don't know what to do if his apology remains weak and he keeps blaming me.

I'm afraid if I ask him to leave he won't come back. He is very very stubborn. We had a big row when DS was 6 months old, in sleep deprived anger I told him if he didn't help out more he should leave. He packed his bags and didn't come back for 6 months (continued to see DS though). When he came back he admitted he had been stubborn and stupid, but that was nearly the end of our relationship.

I wonder if he actually wants to be together it not. When I ask him, he turns the question back at me. Last night I kept saying that until I found out what he'd done I really really wanted to work at things, but he refused to accept that.

Good morning owl and so sorry about your dreadful night.

Firstly PLEASE do not try to drive anywhere without having some sleep. It is dangerous and unnecessary.
Second, please phone your mother and tell her the truth. Not necessarily the whole truth, but enough so that she will look after your DS for today. "DH and I are having some problems at the moment and we need to spend some time working them out" don't feel you have to answer detailed questions.

Then DIGNITY is your friend.
Do not beg for anything.
HE is the one who should be begging, apologizing, talking to you about how bad he feels.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

Don't be sidetracked by anything that he says that translates to 'you made me do it' that is NEVER valid. We have free will.

If you are feeling very brave you could say "is this your way of ending our marriage?' because then you would KNOW then answer one way or another.

DO NOT BEG
DIGNITY
We are always here for you to talk to

CleansLate Sun 25-Nov-12 08:03:57

He can still be a part of your son's life without being your partner. Massive MN cliche here but it's a cliche because it's true - best thing you can give your DS is an upbringing where he sees functional adult relationships modelled.

I know it's the internet and it's dangerous to judge on a few words.

But his act - doing this somewhere so close to you, where I'd assume there's a good chance people who knew you/him would be, and then throwing your previous issue back in your face and asking you what YOU are going to do about his cheating...

it seems hostile, to me. I'd want to know why he'd done it.

shinyblackgrape Sun 25-Nov-12 08:08:23

You poor thing. I'm really sorry about this

I was once in a similarish situation pre DH and my Dad gave me some very good advice which was that I didn't need to be reactive and make a decision right away. And it was up to me to make a decision. It wasn't just for ex-boyfriend.

My head was spinning for days and I couldn't sleep. I remember the pure relief if actually thinking that I could park things for a bit to wait and see what happened.

I would go home now and talk to P. It sounds to me like this isn't a total deal breaker for you. Therefore, if he is suitably remorseful, you could work this out.

If he's not, then I would ask him to leave for a bit before you have one last chance at resuming talking. I know you'll be very concerned about DS but you could say that his dad is working away for a week.

I'm going to be really honest and say that I'm a bit concerned that he seems to be so blasé about this. I'm wondering if he has moved on and away from your relationship in his head? However, I don't know him and it might be that this is his "game" face. However, he'll need to let that down if you're to sort this out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now