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Can we chat about our views on CASUAL SEX here?

(57 Posts)
whatacolddaytoday Sat 24-Nov-12 15:59:14

Background

I was brought up in a family with outwardly conservative/religious values. My husband was the first I had sex with and I thought this was the right thing to do. After we separated, I went out to "meet people" more than date. One night I got blind drunk and a young man I found attractive but thought was "too good for me" took me to his home after some making out, and we had lots of sex.

I thought of all the things I "thought" I knew about sex, and assumed I'd been "got". Good girls didn't, right, and men liked good girls?

He pursued me ardently, moved me into his house when my lease finished, took me on holiday after 2 months and confirmed that he wanted to marry me. We lived together for 2 years, then 2 months before we were due to "seal the deal", I wasn't happy in the relationship, so I left him. Since then I've probably slept with 300ish men?

And now

I have no STDs - I have occasionally taken a risk, but I get my arse up the clinic, get it tested, no problem. In exceptionally good health overall.

I won't pretend I've been smile all of my life. There have been long periods of extreme depression/longing for someone/loneliness/self doubt. But I can say I'm content with who I am, wouldn't change my past, and look forward to the future (I'm single, have an overdraft and rent). I have Buddhist/hippy tendencies, which I think has really made me peaceful smile For me having self esteem means more "being authentic and true to myself" rather than anything else.

I hate the "black and white" assumptions

... He's a bastard, or he's a "nice guy".

... A romantic/sex situation is "good" or "bad", not anything in between, or an opportunity for growth. It's good if you end up with a big white wedding, bad if you end up sitting on a Saturday, alone, posting on Mumsnet grin

... I'm either "the kind of woman you marry" or "the kind of woman you leave".

Fuck the fuck off that is all SO wrong, I don't live in the Daily Mail or in a Bridget Jones Diary.

It's designed to scare and guilt women - "if you do this, then you'll get the man and be HAPPY EVER AFTER but you MUST do this or you DESERVE to be lonely and unhappy".

It also ignores how WE feel about things, which is the main thing? I've been sat there in what looks on the outside to be "perfect relationship" - adoring man, pretty girl, expensive restaurant, and think THIS FEELS SHITE.

I hate the assumption that I MUST want commitment/marriage as I have a vagina

I've got rid of one husband and one fiance (not under the patio, I left them shock). Both were Oxbridge graduates, six figures by the time they were thirty, really liked me, kind of guys, IF that counts for anything.

I like being in love and I wouldn't say no to marriage/a serious relationship again but it would have to be "right" not just "marriage for the sake of it". I don't need general "commitment", thanks, I want to know it is that's committing to me, first.

I think sleeping around has made me a bit more picky? Not in terms of "taller and richer" but in terms of "it has to FEEL right".

What men think

I've left the bed of lovers who seem confused that I'm not paranoid about what THEY think about me? It's like "you do know I really like you, and want us to go out properly, and this isn't JUST sex". ASSUMING there is this hierarchy in which I'm going to feel "devalued" if he doesn't want to be in an "official relationship" with me.

THIS ANNOYS ME angry

A disclaimer

I'm cautious of being too callous about my own emotions and that of men. Being hard and unemotional is not the goal, here.

I had a stage where I was bed-hopping in a savage, "exploratory" way, to sort of check I "could" but I'm trying to be more "considerate" now.

I speak RP, dress in quite a feminine, classic way, so I think there often is this assumption that "a girl like me" wants stability and not rough sex with virtual strangers, so I get guys courting me assuming the sex is a "promise" that things will progress?

But I've been dismissive when a fellah got attached and sneered about them in the same tones that I felt women had been oppressed by?

It's easy to use language in this way "fuck buddy"/"used him"/"only good for one thing" etc. Or let them know they were just one of "many" confused

Or as a kind of ego boost - "ooh look at me, I'm dismissing the kind of man I'd have really wanted to go out with when I was younger"

Now these were perfectly nice, well meaning guys, looking for acceptance and consideration. They treated me pleasantly, as people. They didn't need to pay for the (alleged) sins of other men, or be used as emotional punch bags for my own issues and anger.

It's possible to meet your needs/desires whilst not being a TWAT, so that's my mindset now.

Another disclaimer

I'm happy to have a lover but can't feel sexy if there isn't some element of consideration in the fellah?

I internet date and love it, but I wouldn't, say, meet up with someone who wanted sex chat beforehand?

I don't need "I am your BOYFRIEND and I'm not going to leave you!" before sex. But I find part of the foreplay is the courtship and the seduction and the "will we won't we" psychological dance.

I find masculine protectiveness sexy. My summer lover took the lead in bed, took me out, made sure I was fed and looked after in the time we spent together, considerate of my schedule, reliable with contact, paid for flights when I came out to see him and hotels so we could have privacy. I felt turned on, relaxed, and empowered by that situation.

There was "love and caring", not "we want to marry each other and BE OFFICIAL" love and caring, but a feeling of tenderness and making each other comfortable. I'd be after this again. I don't find last minute "I want to come over to yours for a fuck" attractive.

ANY OTHER PERSPECTIVES? smile

Mintyy Sat 24-Nov-12 16:01:09

That's nice dear. Am happy if you're happy.

CaptainBarnaclesDaddyman Sat 24-Nov-12 16:03:14

It's much better than formal sex. Wearing black tie is rather restrictive during foreplay.

BeerTricksPott3r Sat 24-Nov-12 16:06:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErikNorseman Sat 24-Nov-12 17:24:24

Umm
Sex is good
Sex with someone you just like the look/smell/hair of can be awesome but so is sex when you really deeply like/love them. It's all good (except when it's not)

BOFingSanta Sat 24-Nov-12 17:30:17

It's got it all, hasn't it, BeerTricks? Italics, underlining, bold, block capitals, nice use of paragraphs...I'm still not sure what the question is though.

MinnieBar Sat 24-Nov-12 17:33:14

I have a cold, so my attention span is shot today, but I think I lost sight of whatever the point might have been ten minutes ago. Sorry.

BeerTricksPott3r Sat 24-Nov-12 17:33:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 17:35:47

That sounds great.

And ?

TwllBach Sat 24-Nov-12 17:36:46

I saw the thread title and was coming on to flex my muscles and talk about self esteem and how I've never met a girl (myself included) that has slept with a lot of casual partners and not had terrible self esteem, but then I read the OP and couldn't remember what I had to say...

FermezLaBouche Sat 24-Nov-12 17:38:18

As someone hugely disillusioned with relationships and not enough time to go out and "meet nice people," the people I've built up casual sexual relationships mean a lot to me. I don't know anyone I want in my life permanently but hate going long periods without a good shag.

Your OP must have taken you AGES!

MrsWolowitz Sat 24-Nov-12 17:41:12

That's nice OP.

I've only had sex with my DH and that's nice too.

I don't understand the issue.

<bit fick>

AngelWreakinHavoc Sat 24-Nov-12 17:41:53

I didnt want to read and run so I didnt read now I'm running!

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 17:43:55

I saw your post on another thread, OP

I see what you are trying to do. I think you will find that the vast majority of MN'ers are more tolerant than you think about casual sex, however, if both parties (or plural) are free to do so...and there isn't some poor sap sat at home being shat all over.

Any judgment you will see here is for when somebody is getting hurt.

glastocat Sat 24-Nov-12 17:44:54

Good for you dear.

SoleSource Sat 24-Nov-12 18:30:04

I am about to try and get tbe bus driver on my non existant four poster.

Each to their own!

As long as you're not hurting anyone then shag away...

Casual sex, semi-formal sex, formal sex (does one use titles?) ...

- bottom line: enthusiastic consent and no cheating = good stuff! Everyone have fun! In fact, everyone have some for me, as I'm very pregnant and so bloody tired. But I remember being quite a fan of sex, back in the day...

I don't know if there's a MN party line, but I've always been a fan of the kind of sex where everyone knows what's going on and everyone's keen. So: yes to casual if both parties want casual, no to casual if one is super-in-love with t'other, who's not that bothered. It's just good manners.

FellatioNelson Sat 24-Nov-12 18:48:12

beertricks that made me roar very loudly indeed. grin

Mintyy Sat 24-Nov-12 18:53:17

Me too Beertricks! But, ya know, while I can be a bit of a pendant, I'm not all that bothered about underlinings and subheadings so if you decided you wanted to share the entire history of your sex life I'm all ears grin.

Wishfulmakeupping Sat 24-Nov-12 18:57:01

Each to their own, as long as both are single then get on with it. Don't think the problem is women judging women as much as men judging women- men always the first to call the woman a slag/whore whatever when they feel slighted.

Sorry, I got bored halfway through, it felt like a presentation at school.

But well done on the presentation. Very nice.

BTW I've only ever shagged my husband, I really don't like the thought of random sticky wicks. It makes me a bit queasy. You know like that advert where the womans been touching raw chicken then leaves those germ ridden handprints everywhere?

Meh.

IAmSoFuckingRock Sat 24-Nov-12 18:59:51

that's the spirit sole! grin

FellatioNelson Sat 24-Nov-12 19:00:26

You see that's one of the main things I love about MN. That was a quintessential MN thing, in my book. Nowhere else would a post like the OP get a response like that. And what's more, we all totally get where Beer is coming from.

FellatioNelson Sat 24-Nov-12 19:01:47

I have shagged a nice, middle-sized amount of people.

That's all. Just saying.

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