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I think I need to end my relationship.. But how?

(31 Posts)
DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:12:01

I posted a few weeks ago asking if it was possible to fall in love again. After being given some great advice I tried and tried but my feelings towards leaving the relationship are getting stronger.

I may have changed some details in previous thread as I didn't want to be "outed" but I don't care anymore.

We have been together for 5 and a half years, have a DD who is almost 1.

For a while now I have been doubting whether I am carrying on with the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I didn't want DD to be brought up in a broken family, I was and It has definitely had an affect on me.
Also know that if we did split I wouldn't see DD every day and the thought kills me. She is my whole life.

We also have a loan and credit card that we pay off jointly. It isn't going to be easy leaving but I don't feel like I can carry on anymore.

I feel like I love him as a brother/best friend and I do not want to have sex anymore. He isn't happy about this which obviously I don't blame him for.
He tells me he loves me and he still fancies me etc.

I really don't want to hurt him. I do love him but I'm not "in love" anymore.

I don't know what to do.. He knows there is a problem, we've had the talk so many times and agreed to try but I don't know if I have any try left in me.

I don't really know what I'm asking but I just needed to let it out. I feel like I'm ripping my whole family apart.
Should I just stay for the sake of DD?

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 10:19:34

I feel like I love him as a brother/best friend and I do not want to have sex anymore. He isn't happy about this which obviously I don't blame him for.

Have you a total decline in libido or is it just him that doesn't float your boat.

All relationships go through rocky patches and I'm all for looking for ways to repair a fundamentally sound relationship wherever possible.

Some will come on the thread and encourage you to leave to be true to yourself/find yourself and so forth. Some will tell you you are selfish and self centred.

Do you want to be without your partner? Or do you not want to be with anyone?

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:22:52

It's just him, I think. It's not a case of me wanting to be with anyone else though.

I jumped from one relationship to another so I haven't actually been single since I was 15.

I just feel like I need to find out who I really am.

I'm so confused.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 10:24:48

Unpack 'staying for the sake of' a little. What does it actually mean in practice? Two people who are staying together even though they are ill-suited for each other. One person struggling with feelings of love and affection that are not reciprocated. The other person struggling with just carrying on and the pretence of all being OK. In other words, you'd be effectively making your DD responsible for two people continuing to be miserable.

Personally, I think that's a big responsibility to put on little shoulders. She's too small to understand that today but at one day in the future when she asks you 'Mum & Dad, why did you waste all those years being so unhappy together?' and she gets the answer.. 'we chose to live that way for you'.... do you think she'll thank you for the sacrifice?

There is no good solution in these situations so the next best thing is the least bad solution. IMHO, when you're at the end of the road, it's to part company as amicably and constructively as possible, making your DC's happiness central to every subsequent decision you make.

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:31:05

Thank you for that Cogito, your post makes perfect sense. I never thought of it that way before.

I suppose if we did split now she would never know any different.

I have tried so hard but the feelings are just not there anymore.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 10:34:35

Does your partner know how unhappy you are?

My brother is a sage and wise old owl (wasn't so in his youth grin) as he quaintly puts it "The problem with going off to find yourself, is that you have to take yourself with you"

Think he has a point there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 10:36:15

Are you actually confused? You seem quite clear that you don't have any physical affection for your partner and your main sticking points are a) a loan and b) an aversion to your DD being raised by two parents separately rather than together. There's a lot of cultural/societal pressure on us as women to 'make a go of it' with relationships, especially where children are involved. A lot of conditioning that, unless something drastic happens like DV or infidelity (and even that's debatable), we should be able to work through problems, 'take the rough with the smooth', 'take the ups with the downs' and that we are irresponsible for wanting to be happy.

So work out what it is that's actually confusing you because that'll be the thing to resolve in order to stop prevaricating.

homeofhelp Sat 24-Nov-12 10:36:47

Staying for the sake of the children doesnt work. You will both end up resenting eachother. Can i ask why wouldnt you see dd? There is alot if help out there for single parants so dont be 100% sure you wont see dd. every chikd needs both parants but doesnt mean make you both misrable and dragged down. As long as you both put dds 1st and make it as painless as possible.

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:40:22

We have spoken about it but I agreed to try and makes things worse.
It just seems lately we are spending more time not talking to each other for some reason or another.

This morning he threw a strop because DD woke up at 6 and it was supposed to be his turn to get up. I told him not to worry I will go. He took that as me being "in a mood" and started shouting at me, got up anyway and sat down stairs for 2 hours then went into work. I feel like I'm looking after 2 children!!

grin that is so true! That really made me laugh, thank you.

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:44:41

I suppose I feel confused about whether my need to be alone is overshadowing the situation. What if I ed things and then realise I've made a huge mistake?

I agree, I feel like I need to put my own happiness on the back burner to keep up the pretence of being a perfect family unit.

I'm not worried about never seeing DD but I can't stand it if she stays at her grandparents for the night, never mind sharing childcare with Dp.
It may be unhealthy to an extent but I don't feel like I have anything else in my life other than DD and DP so I think when she would be with her dad I would be completely lost.

Sorry if I'm not explaining myself very well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 10:45:26

Be very clear. You're not looking after two children. Calling him a child suggests his behaviour is simply the result of arrested development and that he has no conscious choice in how he behaves towards you. You're actually looking after one baby and you're living with an aggressive, selfish, verbally abusive man. Confront the truth for what it is ....

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:49:25

I'll definitely say selfish. Bad tempered.. Doesn't take criticism well.
Even his Dad said to me that he is childish in a way that sometimes he forgets about his responsibilities and thinks its fine to not do his share cause he is playing on the playstation etc..

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 10:53:25

I suspect you have nothing in your life besides your partner simply because you have your partner. By which I mean that your feelings of obligation towards him have prevented you from developing other friendships and relationships. (And I'm guessing he doesn't encourage this either) Your ambition to have a 'perfect family unit' because of your own upbringing mean you have been seeing what you want to see rather than facing the reality of your situation. Also, because you've been with someone or other since age 15 you have never developed as an independent adult.

None of these things are your fault but they are keeping you irrationally trapped and sapping your confidence. Even if you don't end the relationship you would benefit from spreading your wings and developing personally. Things like making new friends, picking up a hobby or interest that takes you out of the home, getting a job, travelling, learning a new skill.... all normal things that other people do.... would show you that you could cope independently and this may spur you on to act.

EdithWeston Sat 24-Nov-12 10:54:20

"So work out what it is that's actually confusing you because that'll be the thing to resolve in order to stop prevaricating".

Hear, hear.

Have you confided in a trusted friend, or considered seeing a counsellor? Not with the expectation necessarily of fixing the marriage, but to have a sounding board to help you discover what you really want. For once you have clarity of purpose, your decisions will be easier.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 10:54:22

"Bad tempered.. Doesn't take criticism well. "

I would call that a 'bully'.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 24-Nov-12 10:54:47

My parents stayed together for the sake of us. I'm glad they did, on reflection (but only because I wouldn't have wanted to live in a house with only my mother) but it does mean when it came down to it, they never actually got round to splitting up. Now they are in their late sixties and rattle round in the house ignoring and resenting each other. It's painful to watch sad

It's a difficult one. But ultimately you have to think of your own happiness. Your daughter is still very little, so the time to do it is now, I think.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 10:55:35

I think, if I were living with someone who I knew didn't want to sleep with me, talk to me and had frozen me out, I might just fall into online gaming to have someone to talk to about common interests.

He tells me he loves me and he still fancies me etc.

Seems he's given up on trying to make it work as he's getting not affection by return.

Come and hop back on my pseudo psychiartists couch grin

Is is the monotony of everyday life thats grinding you down? work, house, kids - it gets to everyone at some point and you think "there must be more to life than this"

What attracted you to him in the first instance? Does he still have those qualities?

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:59:59

Cogito, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's not that he stops me from building new friendships but I don't think I've felt the need to.
And reading what you've said has also made me realise that this all come to a head not long after I started a new job in may. I hadn't worked for 18 months before had due to redundancy, pregnancies and having DD.

I have spoken to my Mum about things, and she has said I need to work out what's best for me. But as I said before a lot of it is blinded by DD.

That's really sad Ariel sad

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 11:04:37

Honestly, I act like everything is fine. Still kiss and hug him but when sex came up last night I froze. I just couldn't do it. I sound like an arsehole.

What attracted me to him in the beginning was that he was the polar opposite to my ex. Very good looking and really just someone completely different to myself aswell. (I was into grunge and he was into football and rap music basically)
We worked really well for many years but it seems now we have just merged into one person half the time and then hate each other for the other half. It's really strange.

catquestioner Sat 24-Nov-12 11:08:58

Hi op,

I just wanted to add...
I split with exh when ds was 9 months old and things really have turned out fine. I grieved for along time for the family life I wanted for ds (and me too really) but it does pass and you become content as a family of 2.

Ds is 5 now and see's his Dad every weekend for one night (so I still get to spend one wkend day with him) and his Dad comes for tea once a week too and puts ds to bed etc.

I'm not going to claim it has been easy, but my life is so much better now and ds has parents that are happy and fulfilled in their lives.

Good luck, and whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself too because you deserve to be happy aswell.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 11:09:01

"his all come to a head not long after I started a new job in may."

That would make sense. Many men find even a hint of independence a threat.

I'm glad you're working, meeting people and getting out and about. As you're still not sure whether it's genuinely over or not, while you're working out what's best for you, try to find an interest/sport/activity that you can engage in on a regular basis. Something that you enjoy - maybe something you enjoyed pre-motherhood. Otherwise life can become a tedious round of work, household chores and taking care of a baby.... you need a little time to yourself as well and it prevents you being 100% reliant on your partner. Again, it's an opportunity to interact with others, boost your confidence and work out if your situation is normal or not.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 11:12:35

In a good relationship, people will grow and develop different interests whilst the relationship its self evolves to allow that.

I think you do need to spread you wings a bit - your life seems to revolve round your family, which isn't healthy for you (it is for some, but you want different things) as you want something different.

This has lept out - What if I ed things and then realise I've made a huge mistake? that's a risk you have to work out whether it's worth taking. Only you can decide whether you can have a happy life with your DH or whether it is irrepairable. But it isn't fair to him if you aren't totally committed to a life together. You cannot keep his as a reserve incase things go pear shaped.

As I said first off, I'm all for looking for ways to repair a fundamentally sound relationship - the question is, how do you get rid of the feeling of melancholy in your life? I haven't got those answers, only you have them within you.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 11:13:34

That would make sense. Many men find even a hint of independence a threat.

and many women become disaffected with the humdrum of home life when they get out in the big wide world.

DeathCab Sat 24-Nov-12 11:19:53

Thank you for all your replies. I am taking it all in.

Thank you cat questioner, its good to hear stories of these situations working out well.

I'm not sure if he sees it as a threat as he was panicking that I wouldn't find a Job and we wouldn't be able to pay the bills. He is glad that I am in work.

I think aswell cause I work with people my own age or a few years younger, I see how much fun they are having and I wonder if I'm missing out. I suppose to a certain extent I feel like my life is over at 25.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 24-Nov-12 11:24:21

Newsflash Ophelia... Women are half of the 'big wide world' and are not confined to home and hearth. We are not pathetic ingenues, blinking in awe or sent into a spin just because we're exposed to the wonderful world of men. hmm

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