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Sharing naked pictures taken and shared without someone's permission in order to bully them

(162 Posts)
Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 08:55:37

Haven't name changed because I don't want to undermine ability to advise.

Also, am not interested in advice which tells me I am wrong to be upset about this or this is a small issue I shouldn't be making it into a big one because it is pointless given I have a different opinion which I am not going to change. What I want is a bit of support/advice with thinking this through in the context of me feeling it is wrong.

Dh's best friend visiting last night. Something weird going on between him and I anyway; on Thursday he texted me (not uncommon) asking what I was up to, I replied I was tired and stressed, the house was a mess and I was avoiding it in the bath and contemplating drinking a half drunk old bottle of wine which might be vinegar by now. Cue a whole night of pestering to send him a picture of me in the bath indirectly. This kind of thing is not uncommon, he's quite like this (Pervy) fairly indiscriminately when he has been drinking.

Last night it was a bit like he was trying extra hard to be a sexist prick, telling me repeatedly i wouldn't be interested in things because i was female and asking dh's opinion about stuff because he was a man. At one point he got out his phone and was laughing that he had a picture of a woman half naked on it to show dh. He does this kind of thing fairly often too - trying to give dh porn (will not have it in the house where we have 4 small children). I am seriously anti-porn; they both know this so I was already hmm

He went on to say the photo had been taken without permission by the woman's ex and when they split distributed round the school she used to work in causing her to leave her job and move away, the kids in her new school got hold of the photo and distributed it, crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.

I feel angry and sad for this woman, I told him it was really really inappropriate, his reaction was "so what? She's over 16..."

My dh was joining in with my expression that it was wrong at this point so friend says "so you don't want to see it then?" Dh says "well I didn't say that!" and giggles so then friend holds the phone up and dh looks and friend bangs on about the photo.

At this point I had not had a drink because I had a cold. I have been trying to be kinder to dh recently so have been going to things with his friends (they aren't my friends or people I particularly like but he normally wants me to come when he meets them all), cooking nice food for him, trying not to rant about politics or put things on the TV that he hates etc that day I had been cooking a curry and stuffed parathas and cleaning the whole house from top to bottom/sorting out our bedroom so it would be nice for him (us) when he came home. I also have a stinking cold and by 8.30 when we sat down I was knackered but had lemsip rather than going to bed because friend was coming round. This just felt like a slap in the face from him.

At that point I felt I had a choice between making my feelings known or having a drink so I would be able to continue to be friendly. One of the things that stresses dh out is when I argue moral points like this with his friends so I am trying to bite my lip.

So all night I pretended to be friendly and casual and this morning I am angry at myself for allowing myself to a. Be changed and b. be walked all over like some bastarding doormat when I'm trying really hard to be kind.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sat 24-Nov-12 09:39:34

Sorry, I thought you were texting him back. So you just said I'm in the bath and then he just kept texting you? Ok.

Btw, I don't do banning of friends either, I do avoidance.

So, what are you going to do next time?

Lovingfreedom Sat 24-Nov-12 09:40:44

Stop texting him for a start. Why are you frequently texting someone you don't even like and who is disrespectful to you?
What happened to the woman in the pic is terrible but tbh by the time it gets to your DH it is 'a woman in the pic' and I think most blokes would have a look, even if they agree that it's totally out of order to take the pic and circulate it.

amarylisnightandday Sat 24-Nov-12 09:41:48

Couple of years back I could have written the whole op. I used to think it was exp friends that were the problem. I was deluded. It was just him. He chose to keep that company.
The not liking you argue a moral point thing was a huge, huge issue in my marriage. I didn't even especially want ecp to stand up for me I just wanted to state my feelings without fear of retribution sad.

The friend is no friend and your dh needs to decide who his alliance is with. Someone who treats you like that is not a supportive friend.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sat 24-Nov-12 09:42:17

Gosh, this thread is fast moving! I keep x-posting.

Yes, no contact with friend and avoidance is good.

Not sure about husband though.

Lovingfreedom Sat 24-Nov-12 09:42:54

Sorry - cross posted... yeah just cool it with the friend. If he's decent he'll get the message and start behaving.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:45:49

Often text him because dh is at work during the day so he arranges things trough me and he has been nice for years, we'd become friends during that period and he is dh's best friend of 23 years +. I met him separately to dh too and liked him before that and then he was an idiot and I wrote him off before giving him another chance (which he has now buggered up).

joblot Sat 24-Nov-12 09:46:29

On another note, did your h appreciate all the effort you made cooking and cleaning?

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 09:47:36

If my dh looked at that type of picture on a mates phone in front of me he'd be shown the door alongside his friend.
Even idiots who visit lap dancers or strip clubs don't do do in front if their wives fgs.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:49:27

Was expecting people to say "oh FFS men look at tits get over it" hence the disclaimer.

Should add dh doesn't mention discomfort at my ranting (it is ranting) or ask me not to do it. He actually has no real input into the relationship where his needs/feelings are concerned and so I have to guess and try things to prevent him getting upset. This is one thing I was trying.

Last night was feeling a bit like get at offred night though with both of them making snide comments about my politics/ranting <- has not ever happened before.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:50:58

Joblot - yes he did, he's always really grateful and appreciative about that and also a lot of the time it is him that does the cleaning while I cook which is why I made a special effort to do it all while he was at work so we could relax when he came home. We're having a stressful time ATM.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:51:49

If he is upset he doesn't mention it either btw, just eventually does something passive aggressive when it all builds up.

glastocat Sat 24-Nov-12 09:53:10

I would be livid. I would think less of my husband if he had a look, knowing the poor woman hadn't given permission, but I would be disgusted at both of them.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 09:53:47

Ledkr - that's why I feel angry with myself because I feel that's what I should have done and now having not done it deliberately I don't know where to go from here. All the children are up and we can't talk argue until later.

Leverette Sat 24-Nov-12 09:59:16

He actually has no real input into the relationship where his needs/feelings are concerned and so I have to guess and try things to prevent him getting upset

How can you actually get to know someone if they don't communicate their needs/feelings? You mean he doesn't communicate them in an adult way but strops or kicks off or whinges when you then get something wrong because you're not a mind reader?

Last night was feeling a bit like get at offred night though with both of them making snide comments about my politics/ranting <- has not ever happened before.

The 'friend' is clearly a bully towards women, as revealed by his words and actions re woman in photo. Joblot said something pertinent about people who enjoy others' suffering. And your H joined in. Utterly charming hmm

HandbagCrab Sat 24-Nov-12 10:00:54

Oh offred sad You give such excellent measured advice to others, I wish you could be as kind to yourself.

You spent the day cooking and cleaning. Your dh comes home with his mate. You feel ill but make an effort to spend time with him. You are deliberately excluded, put down because you're female, feel unable to express your opinion. Then in front of you your dh says he wants to look at what I'd consider to be an image of abuse. Knowing this poor woman's back story, he still wants to see her tits.

If another poster put this what would you say? Does your dh know about the sexual harassment? If not, why not?

In my opinion a good man wouldn't be friends with people like this. If he insisted in keeping a passin acquaintance with them, he wouldn't bring them to the house to disrespect his wife. A good man wouldn't want to look at this pic because of its origins, and wouldn't want to look at porn with his mates in front of his wife. It's phenomenally disrespectful. if I'd spent the day cooking and cleaning to make the house a nicer environment for my family I'd expect praise and love from my dh, not belittlement.

If he truly is a good man he should be strong enough to stand up to his mates on behalf of his wife and the mother of his children and even this poor woman who he doesnt know who has had her life fucked through this shitty behaviour.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 10:01:41

No, he doesn't kick off. He doesn't mention anything, even when asked because his mum raised him to think men are not interesting to women and women don't want to know anything about them. He tries to ignore/avoid things that piss him off and eventually they build up and he'll snap and do something selfish that is mean.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 10:02:18

Pointless having an arguement over it. State you point "X is a perve, he asked for pictures of me in the bath, I don't feel comfortable with him in my house". End of discussion.

Your husband sounds very weak.

O/T this woman in the photos? Is it a 'real' person? by that I mean is it someone on the peripherals of your social circle or is it a 'stock' photo from 'readers wives' that is circulating? Is it an urban myth? Or is it a real story is what I'm driving at.

crazily so did the teachers and even though he left the school in July, even he got texted it.

This bloke is a teacher? Oh joy of joys.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 10:02:39

Handbag - I know sad

shinyblackgrape Sat 24-Nov-12 10:05:13

This is awful. My DH has got one friend who can get a bit drunk and loud and obnoxious. DH just tends to see him in boys' nights out - fair enough.

But I know as a fact that if any of Dzh's friends ever sent me a text asking fir a naked photo, DH woukd never speak to them again.

You do not have to put up with this shit just to appease Dh and make an effort and it is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to. Tell DH he can continue to see this man (if he must) but he is not coming in to your house and you are not meeting him out with. Ignore anymore texts he ever sends you and do not respond.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 10:06:00

It isn't readers wives thing. He used to live and work in London I have never met any of his workmates or been to his school and don't know anyone involved even superficially and neither does dh. His old school is the school she moved to to get away from the pic but it has followed her.

Dh knows about the perving. I don't keep secrets from him.

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 10:07:30

Offred it's never too late. Wait till kids not about and then tell him he should never ever behave like that Again and if he does he will see a different side to you and you will really embarrass him.
Tell him the mate needs to stay away for a bit until he can aplogise for bringing such vile stuff into your and the children's home.
Failing that tell him he asked for naked pictures of you,see how funny he finds that.

Offred Sat 24-Nov-12 10:08:48

Dh, doesn't show or admit to being bothered by the perving btw but that's no indication of his real feelings.

Do feel a bit conned having only just realised dh has been covering up his feelings for our whole relationship and marriage without me really fully realising.

shinyblackgrape Sat 24-Nov-12 10:08:58

Just seen your other post. Do. It be acting as social secretary for this pair.

Hopefully if you don't facilitate meeting, then it will happen less.

You need to have a very frank discussion with your DH and point out to him that this is completely unaceptable and it's sad you are having to actually point this out to him. Your husband. The father of your children.

Do not let him derail the conversation or treat this as a joke. Use the broken record technique.

Leverette Sat 24-Nov-12 10:09:25

Everything Handbag said.

If he hasn't processed the view of himself that his mother left him with, he will continue to act out rather than function as a mature, thoughtful adult. The danger is that he will make/take opportunities to feel powerful (often in sly secretive ways or with 'ganging up').

Has he ever had any therapy?

Offred, I've seen that you've given posters on here good advice - what would you say to me if I had written your OP?

It sounds like a situation I'd have found myself with my first husband - that the friend was trying to provoke you and your DH was putting his friend's feelings above your own so that maybe you felt a bit ganged up on but were trying to keep the peace for your DH's sake.

I understand that you're cross with yourself now. I would be too. I guess you need to have a think about how much of yourself you're willing to suppress in order to keep things between you and your DH on an even keel, especially as you say you're having a stressful time.

It's not easy, I know. Can your DH say or do anything to make you feel better? If the answer is no, then I'd be wondering if I could sustain this relationship long term.

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