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A Sex Question......

(400 Posts)
moonblushtomato Fri 23-Nov-12 22:18:40

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

spoonyfucker Sat 24-Nov-12 11:46:35

Amanda - good point.

ClippedPhoenix - I'm a man. Do you want to casually call me a wanker too ? Don't even wait for any rational explanation of my point of view - just go for it !

Projecting your own situation onto someone else, making assumptions and then lashing out is, after all, the foundation of counselling.

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 24-Nov-12 12:00:27

No it doesn't Amanda.

But your situation is not the OP's.

It's perfectly valid to ask the OP questions to explore why her DH is more keen on having sex than she is.

Particularly in a context where most women do more housework than most men (where they both live in heteronormative monogamous set-ups) and so it's one of the most likely causes.

OP can examine if that might be the case and if not, can move on to other causes.

Which might just be something as simple as libido etc., but it's perfectly reasonable to explore common causes.

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 12:09:38

No Amanda of course not but if I wanted more sex dh I'd do a lot more than have a chat grin he'd soon perk up ha ha

AmandaCooper Sat 24-Nov-12 12:20:23

ledkr that's just offensive.

Fastidia that's not what I'm challenging - it was the "men who make pronouncements like this think..." - it's a generalisation and not based on anything in the OP.

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 12:23:52

Offensive? To say I'd seduce my own damn husband? Please explain

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 12:24:20

the thing is, Amanda, do you think that women come to this board when their relationships are still healthy ?

that they come ask perfect strangers for advice when it is still possible to talk to their partners in a constructive and fair-minded way ?

or is it much more likely they have tried all that and it isn't working, for some reason ?

OP hasn't told us any more..in fact she has told us very little at all. So, people put their own spin on it to fill that void. Of which you are just as guilty as the next poster.

AmandaCooper Sat 24-Nov-12 12:27:20

The implication being that if I behaved differently he would "perk up" without any need for discussion.

AmandaCooper Sat 24-Nov-12 12:30:26

No AF I acknowledged in my first post that in the context of this thread on the Relationships board there was likely to be some back story. That does not justify "all men who say they want more sex think their wives are domestic appliances" (I paraphrase). I haven't generalised, I've just offered an alternative view - having already said it probably doesn't apply in the OP's case.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 24-Nov-12 12:34:20

I think perhaps that's an assumption AF. Some women will come on here with healthy relationships. Relationships can be challenging, it doesn't mean they are always unhealthy. Some posters come on here with dreadful partners, but certainly not all.
I occasionally say to my husband I'd like us to have more sex but sometimes life just gets in the way. Doesn't mean my relationship is unhealthy.

We do have to be careful not to make assumptions or generalisations.

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 12:35:02

I'm still not sure why that's offensive ,that's exactly what I meant btw I believe the best way to a healthy sex life is more actions less chat. Make no apology for that sorry. It's always worked for us. Dh has just finished nights so not seen him al week. Intend to have a really nice evening together tonight dinner wine and a catch up. I feel that will lead to a natural conclusion.

AmandaCooper Sat 24-Nov-12 12:41:58

What so do I need better dinner? Better wine? What are you doing right that I'm doing wrong?

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 12:46:42

We need op to come back, don't we ? smile

Xenia Sat 24-Nov-12 12:49:10

I suspect it's more about differences in how much people of either sex want it than just the dinners etc If AC wants more and she doesn't get it look at what is causing that. Is he over weight? Does he drink a lot? Is he working too long hours?

Xenia Sat 24-Nov-12 12:50:24

There is always the Woody Allen film quotes on this too...

ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST
How often do you sleep together?

ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST
Do you have sex often?

ALVY
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

ANNIE
Constantly! I'd say three times a week.
Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have
sex.

ledkr Sat 24-Nov-12 12:58:17

Never said you were doing it wrong I said what I had found to be more effective in my opinion. If you prefer to ask for it then do so. And not better wine or food just setting a romantic mood when not the norm with 5 dc and full time jobs or is that offensive too?
I find the idea of a sit down chat about sex a little cold v the old fashioned way.
Blimey

AmandaCooper Sat 24-Nov-12 12:58:34

That's exactly it, it's just mismatched libido. It can be challenging and occasionally it can help to talk it through, even if that doesn't result in more/less sex it can keep the relationship strong. People reading this thread shouldn't be afraid to communicate their needs, as long as they do it in a sensitive way.

Kundry Sat 24-Nov-12 13:19:51

Amanda I think you've hit on the answer in that you acknowledge that some couples will have mismatched libidos and the normal thing to do would be to talk about it, think about reasons (one person doing too much and being tired, changes in libido after children for example) and see what they can change or compromise on. Which is what you are doing.

However someone wheedling on about once a week not being enough when the other partner is dealing with babies, breastfeeding, doing all the housework is not a likely way to improve the situation. But over and over again, someone posts on here that their DH thinks that whinging whilst grabbing their breasts or suggesting a BJ is the way to communicate. Or worse, having a go while they are asleep. It's depressing and says a lot about the DH in question.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 24-Nov-12 17:04:19

But we don't know what the OP's H is doing. SHe hasn't been back. The way the OP was worded could imply that the H is concerned about whether they are within the 'normal' range of sexual behaviour (some people worry an awful lot about this). or he could be worrying that she's gone off him as she's less keen on sex.

And people do sometimes post on this board, not because they are in despair, but because they want to know more about a subject - they joined MN and got loads of useful advice on nappies and Greggs sausage rolls and sleb gossip, so they are in the habit of going 'Hoy! MN Hivemind! What do you reckon?' about anything that occurs to them.

GhostShip Sat 24-Nov-12 17:09:15

I have said to DH before now that I would like us to have more sex; he has said he's too tired. Does this imply I think he's some kind of domestic sex appliance who's there to serve me sexually and/or that I don't pull my weight in the partnership?

Me too. It was only yesterday I said I'd like more sex! It doesn't mean I see him as an object only there to suit my sexual needs confused

sllloooomee Sat 24-Nov-12 17:26:26

DH and I have sex about 3-4 times a week, but he will also wake me up by having sex with me. Sometimes he gets horny in the night, so will take my night pants down and do it!

so we usually have to a few more times then that!

Xenia Sat 24-Nov-12 17:29:16

Do women wear pants in bed? You learn something every day on mumsnet.

GhostShip Sat 24-Nov-12 17:29:57

I think she means PJ bottoms?

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 17:31:02

slllllloooooomee, I don't like the sound of your husband

GhostShip Sat 24-Nov-12 17:33:01

My abusive ex used to do that to me. I was on medication which meant I slept heavily. The only time I'd know about it is when he'd be bragging to his mates about 'shagging her in her sleep' sad

sllloooomee Sat 24-Nov-12 17:35:55

i do know about it, but only because it wakes me up. sorry, yes i ment pj bottoms!!

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