Salbertina, I've also spoken with you on other threads, sorry to hear how difficult you are finding this right now. You have every right to grieve the loss of the parents you never had, and I think it's very healthy that you recognise that this is what is causing you so much angst. It means you have an opportunity to break the cycle, and reset your boundaries on your own terms. It's painful though, isn't it? And so sad. I think the other thing that we might be grieving is the loss of all those years which we spent blaming ourselves - I can't help but wonder how different my life might have been if my parents had show me unconditional love and support....
I'm also having to come to terms with the fact that my parents just do not see how their attitude towards me while I was growing up, has had a direct impact on how we relate to each other now. I had been avoiding them since I split from DH, about a month ago, when they told me I'd broken their hearts by leaving my marriage. But I dropped round last weekend and could tell my mother was about to burst, and burst she did. Among the nasty comments and self-absorbed ranting, was the revelation from my dad that all my mum ever wanted was a "normal" daughter who took her out to lunch and shopping etc. I stayed adult as much as I could, and replied that I was well aware that our relationship wasn't normal (so, so tempting to say that I didn't have a normal mum either, but that would just feed the troll), but that if we wanted to improve things we would both have t work hard at that. She simply said she had done all she could. So that's a no to working on our relationship then.
So I came away with evidence, in my mind, that she still does not see me as a worthwhile person with valid opinions. She has absolutely no concept of the fact that her parenting of me is at fault here, and I'm pretty sure that she never will have. She simply sees me as an obstacle to be got round so she can keep in contact with her only grandchildren. Ain't happening, unless I bring them round and stay with them the whole time. She wouldn't be able to stop herself from making inappropriate comments about me to them.
And then we have the guilt, of minimising contact with people in their late 70s, leaving them sad and lonely :(. It's shit, isn't it?
Sorry to rant. I typed all this out into a notebook last weekend and thought I'd dealt with some of my feelings, but reading this thread this morning triggered it again. Thanks for the opportunity for some more catharsis, it's obviously still needed!
I'm also having therapy at the moment, interesting to hear that psychotherapy is working better for you than CBT. Not a fan of CBT myself, but my therapist is a straightforward person-centred counsellor, and that's working well for me. Just to be able to sit in a room and say all these things without being told that what I'm feeling is wrong, or invalid, works wonders for me. Gosh, imagine having had that for the last 40 years?
Anyway, lots of strength to you all - I wish none of us were in this position, but at least we are all doing something positive about it, and that's what we need to hang on to in the darker moments x