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New 'boyfriend' is married and has two children WWYD?

(123 Posts)
MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 09:26:38

Hello,

I broke up nearly two months ago with my fiancée (He hid the fact that he was 280k in debt etc.) and although I thought it wouldnt happen so quickly I met somebody new a few weeks ago. Everything is great, however he never wants to meet me at the weekend as he says he is busy. But he told me yesterday that he is married with two children but they are separated and only live together for the children's sake. Just to explain: he has a flat in Central London and I assumed it was his 'bachelor' pad but at the weekend he lives with his family in Surrey.

I really like this guy but I am not sure if I should believe him. I wonder if I should ask him if I can speak to his wife. I feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. If I was his wife I surely wouldn't want to spend the weekends with him while during the week he sleeps is with his new girlfriend.

WWYD?

Sorry for spelling but quickly tipping from iPad.

expatinscotland Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:17

DUMP! One of the oldest lines in the book, we're separated but together, for the kids, of course.

Yeah, right.

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:24

I'm trying as hard as I can see what exactly could present anyone with a dilemma here, OP.

Nope. Sorry. Just not seeing it.

izzyizin Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:53

There's no way this married man is going to allow you to speak to his wife, and if an approving female voice calls you in relation to him you can be reassured it'll be an actress or some woman doing him a favour.

You're not very good at picking men, are you?

This is another one for the bin and once you've dumped him you're best advised to rethink what it is you look for in your relationshps and what makes you vulnerable to chancers and opportunists.

Given your emotional neediness, jumping into bed with men within a very short time of meeting them is NOT a good idea. Get to know them thoroughly and meet their friends/family before you embark on sexual relationships with what are effectively strangers.

pinkyredrose Fri 23-Nov-12 09:44:17

OP 'together for the childrens sake' is the oldest line in the book.

What would happen if you called him at home and his wife answered?

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 09:47:49

A few months before he left my ex suggested this sort of set up, move me and kids to France actually when he got a small place during the week close to work. I said no, he left soon after. I think a lot of men want their family and someone to shag on the side.

Cut him out.

I remember the poor Rich guy, where do you meet these men?

DowagersHump Fri 23-Nov-12 09:50:55

I would ditch him because I wouldn't want to have an affair with a married father of two which is what you're doing

Redstockingswillstopsanta Fri 23-Nov-12 09:51:14

Run away as fast as you can,you need to sort out your head from your last relationship before you can see clearly with a new relationship,you know this is going to end really badly ,don't set yourself up for more pain.

You knew your old relationship was wrong,so you know this isn't right,have you thought this might be a rebound relationship,good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 23-Nov-12 09:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 09:55:32

If he was telling the truth, the family only live in Surrey, I can't see any reason why he wouldn't see the kids and commute?
You choose liars, time to step back and think about why this keeps happening.
I would be sincerely amazed if he's on the level sad

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 10:00:00

I think, as an honest person yourself, and (I think, from what you said before) having a family you can trust, you perhaps don't realise just how many people simply lie through their teeth to get what they want. I remember wondering why fellow pupils in my primary school didn't believe some things I told them, and then discovering with quite a shock that it was because they said a lot of things that were just made up. It was an even bigger shock when I realised a surprising number of adults never grow out of it!

I would pretty much bet my bottom dollar that this guy has a perfectly nice, loving wife, who regrets how little she sees of her husband during the week, but accepts that he works really hard for the family and, if it takes the burden of commuting off him, that's a reasonable sacrifice. Meanwhile he is looking for a bedwarmer during the week, the word "separated" in this context meaning "too far to pop back for a shag if I feel horny in the night", with connotations of "what the wife doesn't find out won't hurt her".

Run away, run away, and get cynical!

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 10:02:09

Ask to speck to his wife just for the fun of it and see him sqiurm like the worm he is lol

Throw him back he is a bad apple and run.

alexrider Fri 23-Nov-12 10:02:52

I haven't read the whole thread but...

My 'D'H did this to me. I was living in France with the DCs and he was living in his flat in London and coming back to us at the weekends, except the weekends when he told me he had to work and was really going out with a new group of mates. He met another woman, never told me about it, until he decided that life with her was more fun that with me so dumped me with a quick phone call.

I found out later that he had been registered on internet dating sites and all sorts. He was definitely looking for extra marital fun.

I would walk away, I'm glad to see the back of my husband, he was crap in bed and a useless husband, and I'm much happier without him, but my DCs miss him and he's definitely put them on the back burner. Even if you can have a relationship with a married man and not think about his wife, then give his children a thought. Mine are beyond confused as to why daddy isn't interested anymore.

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 10:07:00

scaevola

Thats exactly what I think.

I can't understand why you'd want to be with anyone less than two months after splitting with a fiance.

SoupDragon Fri 23-Nov-12 10:09:22

He has lied.
He is still lying.
Run for the hills!

AgathaF Fri 23-Nov-12 10:10:01

Walk away. Whilst you're at it, threaten to tell his wife if you ever hear he is doing the same thing again.

FellatioNelson Fri 23-Nov-12 10:10:28

It is entirely possible that it is true and that they have come to one of those very civilized arrangements where they agree to effectively separate and turn a blind eye to what they other does, whilst maintaining a degree of normality for appearances sake for the benefit of the children, or because to formally split would be financially disastrous.

However, it could also be complete bollocks and his poor wife might no nothing about it at all. I would try to find out a bit more if I were you.

FellatioNelson Fri 23-Nov-12 10:11:13

know, not no.

McBuckers Fri 23-Nov-12 10:11:55

I think my husband told his OW that we were separated and just living together for the children (judging by the things he says now). It was news to me!

Even if they really are separated and just living together because of the children would you be happy with just a Monday to Friday relationship?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 23-Nov-12 10:13:48

Even if it is true what on earth do you want to saddle yourself with all that for?

EuroShagmore Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:00

I think you are the OW. Sorry.

frantic51 Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:45

In my dim and distant past when I was young and beautiful grin I found myself in a similar situation. Two months into a relationship with a, "separated" guy I found that he was still going back to his wife and children in Wales most weekends and that his wife was blissfully unaware of her, "separated" state! hmm I walked away immediately. It took him a matter of weeks to replace me with another young woman, much more gullible. He eventually did leave his wife and married my replacement and then did exactly the same thing to her eight years later! Run, OP, run!

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:07

I always think those couples on TV looking for a town and country pad, are doing so due to the husband wants to have his cake and eat it.

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:48

Walk away. Don't be the mistress. Think of his wife and kids.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:49

Kick him to kerb!

And then give yourself a little breathing space to recover from this and breaking up with your fiance.

I'm all for making hay while the sun shines and I appreciate that time isn't everything when it comes to meeting the right person, but no-one needs to deal with this kind of a crap on top of the breakdown of a (presumably) long term, serious relationship.

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