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Feel cheap :-((187 Posts)
Well I did a silly thing and am feeling really down about it. Basically I've had a dreadful year with my mum dying and splitting up from my husband. I was just starting to get my equilibrium back - going out with friends and really beginning to enjoy life again.
Anyway on Friday it was my friends birthday and we went out as a big group. One of the guys in the group I got on really well with and we spent ages talking, dancing and just getting to know one another. He was so lovely - walking me to my cab and asking me to tact when I was home safe.
Anyway the next day he rung me and asked to take me out to lunch. We had a lovely time - talking, laughing and generally getting on like a house on fire. He was such a gentleman - always walking on the traffic side of the pavement etc. He dropped me home and we had a bit of a kiss.
Later that night he text me and after a few more texts and a phone call I agreed to go to his for dinner. Turned up and it was all candles and open fires. Put a cd on and it was my favourite song in the world. We both said it was like we had known each other forever.
Anyway one thing led to another and I stayed the night and we had sex. Only the third person I've slept with in my life.
Last night I went round to my friends who was also out on the Friday. I find out that after I left they pretty much did everything but sleep together.
Anyway I'd arranged to ring him that evening so told him that I had found out about Friday night. He point blank denied it and got really angry about it - saying she was stirring just because we had something potentially really good together - before practically putting the phone down on me.
I 100% believe her. Feel so cheap and used. Have never ever trusted someone enough to sleep with them that quickly. What a fool. Just really knocked my duck off.
Don't feel cheap why should you? These days it's ok for women to have and enjoy sex without judgement. Put it down to experience and carry on the fun of being single just stay safe and if you meet anyone you really feel is meaningful to you then make him wait a bit so you avoid getting hurt.
He was a free man who had an encounter with your friend before you.
He may truely like you, don't feel cheap.
And even if he doesn't, you enjoyed yourself thats nothing to be ashamed of.
Your friend is a stirrer though, as i don't get the relevence of her bringing it up considering they were not a item.
So if he'd been flirting with you all night on friday why did your friend get off with him the minute you left in a taxi?
Bit odd of her i'd say...
He was obviously casting his net wide... not the most romantic but not entirely awful behaviour either... you shagged him on the first date so you can't expect him to not be seeing anybody else around the same time. If you want exclusive rights then you need to date for long enough to have the 'exclusivity' conversation... but equally no reason to feel cheap.
I am assuming you are all three single????? How well did your friend know this man on the night of her birthday? Had she shown any prior interest in him? Had he shown any interest in her before you left in the cab?
Is it possible that he spent all evening with you but when you left may have felt that he might not hear from you again, you might not be interested. Maybe he was edging his bets.......not saying that is a good thing to do but isn't that just the sort of thing that men do.
However he obviously preferred you to your friend, he chased you for a date not her, just maybe your friend is jealous. You say he "practically" put the phone down on you.......if he was just a tart he would have put the phone down without even trying to make a defence.
For me it would depend how much I liked him and how trustworthy my friend was.
@Lf <wonders what the 'favourite song in the world' was>
You didn't by any chance phone him while you were round at your friend's, did you QT?
As soon as you said 'he was the perfect gentleman' I thought 'aye, aye'.
I'm really not a fan of 'perfect gentlemen' who open doors and light candles and walk on the outside of the pavement (because you are so vulnerable on your lady legs you might tootle into the road?).
I don't mean this in a political Millie Tant* way but it was always instinctual to me that if a man was ramping up the 'treating me like a laydee' stuff he a) just didn't see me as an equal to get to know and have a laugh with and b) he wanted very much to get into my knickers by flattery and trickery.
My dh of 17 years is very blokey (and I'm actually quite girlie!), but never thought or needed to put me on some sort of weird pedestal.
Overall though, you have been naive not to see the obvious signs of seduction. You need to grow a thicker skin and lighten up a bit. But you are NOT cheap.
You have to be old enough to get this Viz reference
Proud, I have said it on here before many times and I totally agree with you
beware the charming man
They do my head in. They are nearly always sexist nobbers and/or twats that fuck you up whilst treating you like a princess. Sod that.
Well said, AF.
It is actually a red flag.
I read the other day (beware of charming people): what sort of person would go to such lengths to develop an act, and to portray a certain vision?
Answer: someone with a lot to hide, and someone who is terrified you will reject the them once you find them out. Real people let you get to know them in your own time.
Hi ladies - thanks for your advice. No he hadnt shown any interest in her before I left - she was busy snogging a succession of guys in the club (think she got to about 8 and no we are not 15 though it may sound like it) He'd pretty much spent the whole evening talking and dancing with me and trying to kiss me (although I wouldn't kiss him back as I didn't know him - ironic given what happened subsequently!)
I haven't known her long only about two weeks - but she gave so many details about what they did that I don't think she could be making it up.
If there was nothing wrong with his behaviour then why did he deny it so vehemently?
Any chance you could get a new friendship group ?
This one sounds a bit shit
I don't know anyone that acts like 1) her 2) him after the age of about 21
Maybe because he's a lying sack of shit?
And I wouldn't give anyone, let alone someone I've known for two weeks such details, I'd be wondering what her intent was for telling you all that, certainly not a gesture of friendship.
Just maybe, he denied it so vehemently because he is telling the truth?
maybe he is denying it so vehemently because he wished it hadn't happened, he made a mistake and wished he hadn't got "friendly" with the other woman because he liked you (men are often contrary and confused) maybe he was a bit drunk and she preyed on him because she was jealous that he liked you?
Or maybe he is denying it because he can, he can waste some time convincing you it never happened because he has nothing better to do! and likes telling lies and preying on women.
Anyway, did you want to see him again? if you don't chalk it up to experience, it was fun while it lasted, move on.
Why did she give you so many details? She's the one I'd be avoiding tbh. Two weeks does not a friend make.
Either give him the benefit of the doubt or chalk it up to experience, enjoy having been wooed and move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Ps You are not cheap!!!
no but great minds think alike
If there was nothing wrong with his behaviour then why did he deny it so vehemently?
Maybe because he was telling the truth? It is possible.
At this point, both of them could have motives for lying. You said you were in a group, so ask some of the others what they saw happening that night. Preferably people who are not close friends of either of them.
To be honest, neither of them sound that great and I endorse what's been said about romantic and chivalrous charmers. But getting off with a bloke your new friend is clearly interested in is not a great recipe for friendship. Nor is lying about that in order to cause trouble, of course.
No thats the problem - I really really liked him. I suppose the other thing I should have mentioned was that I didn't realise until I got to his house was that he is a multi multi millionaire. I got a huge shock when I saw his house as he didn't give any indication of it during the evening or when we had lunch. Which made me like him even more.
Anyway apparently everyone else on the night out knew - and as my 'friend' was telling me what they got up to after I had left she kept going 'have you googled him yet - he has his own wiki page' etc etc.
To be honest if I hadn't liked him so much then I wouldn't be feeling so crap about what happened. And I genuinely believed he liked me - and usually I'm an ok judge of character
Just to clarify - it made me like him more that he hadnt gone on about it... Not because he was rich!
Are you sure your friend wasn't jealous and made up or exagerated what happened to put you off him? (It worked.) "saying she was stirring just because we had something potentially really good together" Maybe true?
Toffee that's what I want to think but I do get the impression she is telling the truth
Any Fucker - haha when I drove up it was a bit like the moment in pride and prejudice when Elizabeth sees pemberley for the first time!
A man who doesn't brag to get you into bed, who could so easily use his wealth to try and impress but doesn't, sounds fine to me.
A woman who snogs her way around a club, then stirs up mistrust because she is jealous of you isn't worth having as a friend. She wants all the attention on her and she sounds like a prima donna
What is the worst that could happen? can you not give him the benefit of the doubt
Bloody hell enjoy it!
Are you writing a Mills and Boon? It sounds like the plot of one. (evil "friend" "gorgeous multi millionaire", cheesy dancing in a club.
Not that I've ever read one..honest )
I feel like I've known you all my life' spoken on the first night is code for .'..nice jugs and I'm pretty sure we're dealing with the right number of holes here....right... enough of the chat...'
I agree with others...your new friend sounds like a bit of a bitch and like she rather enjoyed breaking the news that shed been there first. You can do without friends like that.
I'd say if you do feel a connection with a guy it's worth waiting to have sex esp if you do tend to give yourself a hard time afterwards.
But then if you're ok to have casual sex or the guy being a bit of a player then go for it. Theres no shame in having fun...just take care of yourself too.
Good guy will never hold against you the fact that you won't go to bed with him on first night. And good guy won't make you feel cheap if you do. But difficult to tell good ones apart from not so good ones that quickly.
Did you you tell this "friend" about your date before or after she told you what she got up to with him?
If she told you first, she is probably telling you the truth. If you told her first then
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